# How many dates does it take to know if you have chemistry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 18, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424 "2010-02-18T02:34:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/61 "2010-02-18T23:34:33Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Do you feel chemistry before the date, or are you hoping that it will happen on the date? 'Cause it’s far more likely that you’ll feel chemistry electronically and then none in person than the other way around. > > Since chemistry works in both directions: Could it be that some of this lack of chemistry is because they guys aren’t attracted to you once they meet you. If one party is definitely not interested, a lack of chemistry that both parties feel is usually the result. > > Why might a guy not be attracted to you in person? Are the pictures you share recent? Do they accurately represent your looks, including your weight? Are you misrepresenting yourself in any way on your profile? Is there something that you are being honest about but could be misunderstood as a misrepresentation? > > How do you dress and present yourself on a date? Do you wear pretty feminine clothes and nice shoes? Do you wear makeup and do something with your hair? Well, I think I look pretty good when I get all gussied up for a date 🙂 And that includes hair, perfume, little black dress, nice high heels, etc. It is like a job interview, after all 🙂 There will be plenty of time, if there is a later, for him to see me in my grungy sweats with my hair in a ponytail. I don’t know, most of the men I have met have asked me for a second date; I am usually the one who says no. Are they just being polite? Or trying to see if any chemistry develops on the second date? Maybe. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/62 "2010-02-19T00:59:04Z")
I used to date on okcupid. I went on three dates and there was one guy I was mildly interested in, but there wasn’t any strong chemistry with any of them. (The third guy, it was more of a “I SHOULD be interested in this guy what the hell’s the matter with me?” thing.) All three of them asked me for a second date. The third guy was the only one I met more than once. As for chemistry, to me chemistry is not a lightening bolt kind of thing, and has nothing to do with whether I actually end up liking them, being friends with them, or wanting to sleep with them. It’s more a potential thing - can I potentially see myself sleeping with this person? I have grown to like people I didn’t initially - even become good friends with them - but in my experience, chemistry is either there or it isn’t. When I was younger I dated a few guys I had no chemistry with, but that I liked well enough, with the expectation that chemistry would eventually happen if we just got to know each other better. Didn’t work for me. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/63 "2010-02-19T01:14:13Z")
Oh, those questions weren’t directed at you, **DC**. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/64 "2010-02-19T01:57:35Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > I don’t know, most of the men I have met have asked me for a second date; I am usually the one who says no. Are they just being polite? Or trying to see if any chemistry develops on the second date? Maybe. They were trying to have sex with you. Incidentally, they may also have liked you as a person. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/65 "2010-02-19T02:37:42Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > (Yep, I’ll bet I’ll get flamed for this stuff. Oh well.) No, flaming is for people who are actively offensive, not those who are merely incorrect. 😉 You’re right that you should make an effort to look nice, but I really think it should be about 10% nicer than you look 75% of the time. If a dress and lipstick is within that 10%, go for it. But if you only wear a dress when somebody gets married or buried, it does you no good at all to attract a guy who’s only into you when you do the girly-girl thing. That’s just wasting everybody’s time. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/66 "2010-02-19T14:16:14Z")
> [@Giltathriel](#): > > Out of curiosity, how often do you people have chemistry with online dates? I’ve met 17 guys via okcupid and wasn’t compelled to have more than 2-3 dates with any of them. Is that typical? Seems like this could take forever. As an OKCupid user myself, I just went and looked up my past history on there for a standard of comparison. I’ve sent maybe 30 messages to people on there, probably received half that many. Nine of those turned into a conversation via e-mail/IM. Three of those turned into dates. So far only one turned into a six month-ish relationship. So by some measures you’re doing better than me overall, you just haven’t converted one to a relationship yet. 🙂 As an aside, if you’re in the same Happy Valley I am (and I’m pretty sure you are, let’s say, because I’m pretty sure you have showed up in browsing on there :p), then I wish you luck–it seems like it’s a pretty sparse area for dating. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/67 "2010-02-19T14:30:17Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > So by some measures you’re doing better than me overall, you just haven’t converted one to a relationship yet. 🙂 You’re 1/3. She’s 0/17. How is she doing better? ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/68 "2010-02-19T16:02:12Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > You’re 1/3. She’s 0/17. How is she doing better? That’s one way of looking at it, but you could also consider that I’m 3/30 and she’s 17/(unknown), but 17 \> 3. Or you could consider that I’m 1/30 and she’s 0/17, which means she’s got another 13 dates to end up better off. It might be an outlook problem–what I’m trying to say is the fact she’s getting a relatively high amount of first actual dates is an indication that she’s getting opportunities to test for chemistry, which to me is the best predictor of long-term success in online dating. Aside: Here I thought I was doing good by refraining from tossing a “How YOU doin’?” on there. 😉 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/69 "2010-02-19T16:38:58Z")
UPDATE: I went on another “first meeting” last night. I read all of your comments the last two days, and took them to heart; I tried to go into this meeting with an open mind. Well, I think we have a winner. Very nice guy, intelligent, well-spoken, funny, interesting. Not “Wow” handsome, but pleasant looking, and obviously takes care of himself. We had drinks at the bar, then he asked me if I had eaten. I was honest and told him that I usually suggest just meeting for a drink in case we don’t like each other, we have an “out” 😉 And he laughed, and said we could split the check if I felt better about that. We ended up just having appetizers at the bar. We talked for about 3 ½ hours. We concluded at the end that we were both interested in getting together again. It’s funny, when you get to that point, it’s awkward. If I’m not interested, it’s hard to say to someone’s face, “Yeah, no, not interested”, especially if he is obviously interested. But I WAS interested, but I was not sure if he was (or if he was just being polite), and I didn’t want to put him on the spot. No “love at first sight” stuff, no hearts and stars shooting out of my eyes, but he was interesting and intelligent enough that I would like to see him again to see if it could go anywhere. But he did say that he wanted to see me again, and I agreed. I guess this is what’s supposed to happen? ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/70 "2010-02-19T17:12:11Z")
Sure, why not? Hope it goes in a direction you really enjoy. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/71 "2010-02-19T17:39:47Z")
Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/72 "2010-02-19T17:49:46Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > No, flaming is for people who are actively offensive, not those who are merely incorrect. 😉 You’re right that you should make an effort to look nice, but I really think it should be about 10% nicer than you look 75% of the time. If a dress and lipstick is within that 10%, go for it. But if you only wear a dress when somebody gets married or buried, it does you no good at all to attract a guy who’s only into you when you do the girly-girl thing. That’s just wasting everybody’s time. That’s about exactly where I always aimed when doing online dating. I don’t normally wear make-up or worry about my hair; for the first date, I’d make sure my hair was styled a little, and put eyeshadow and lipstick on. I’d wear a fancy version of my usual t-shirt and comfortable pants. For those of you questioning your success, I have a question for you to ponder - are you sure you know what _you’re_ looking for? Are you sure you’re going after people who will give you what you’re aiming for? I don’t mean this as a criticism, but people can get caught up in what they’re supposed to do instead of what they want to do. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/73 "2010-02-19T17:53:00Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > UPDATE: I went on another “first meeting” last night. I read all of your comments the last two days, and took them to heart; I tried to go into this meeting with an open mind. > > Well, I think we have a winner. > > Very nice guy, intelligent, well-spoken, funny, interesting. Not “Wow” handsome, but pleasant looking, and obviously takes care of himself.\But I WAS interested, but I was not sure if he was (or if he was just being polite), and I didn’t want to put him on the spot. No “love at first sight” stuff, no hearts and stars shooting out of my eyes, but he was interesting and intelligent enough that I would like to see him again to see if it could go anywhere. But he did say that he wanted to see me again, and I agreed. I guess this is what’s supposed to happen? Well, outside of Hollywood, that’s about as good as it gets. 🙂 I mean that in it’s a really good thing way, not a settling way, by the way. If you know what I mean, and I hope you do, because I’m confusing myself at this point. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/74 "2010-02-19T17:56:16Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > No “love at first sight” stuff, no hearts and stars shooting out of my eyes, but he was interesting and intelligent enough that I would like to see him again to see if it could go anywhere. Yes, yes, but does he make you want to remove your pants? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/75 "2010-02-19T18:08:15Z")
Well, he spilled his manhattan on them. ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/76 "2010-02-19T18:11:19Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Yes, yes, but does he make you want to remove your pants? LOL! You know, believe it or not, MOL, I thought about you and this exact question while he and I were talking last night. On other “first meetings”, my thought has always been, “Heck no”. But with this guy, I thought, “Hmmm, maybe eventually.” Is that the beginning of chemistry? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/77 "2010-02-19T18:13:02Z")
Not if he’s a gynecologist. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/78 "2010-02-19T18:47:08Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > LOL! You know, believe it or not, MOL, I thought about you and this exact question while he and I were talking last night. On other “first meetings”, my thought has always been, “Heck no”. But with this guy, I thought, “Hmmm, maybe eventually.” Is that the beginning of chemistry? Oh, I’d say so. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/79 "2010-02-19T18:55:11Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > LOL! You know, believe it or not, MOL, I thought about you and this exact question while he and I were talking last night. Ha ha, awesome! 🙂 > [@](#): > > On other “first meetings”, my thought has always been, “Heck no”. But with this guy, I thought, “Hmmm, maybe eventually.” Is that the beginning of chemistry? Well “Heck no” is definitely not chemistry, but liking a guy and seeing him as someone with pantsless potential is a good start. You don’t have to be burning with lust, and I would be pleased as punch with a guy who I think is cute, look forward to seeing again, and could see us making clothes-off magic together. ---
**Author:** ![Sudo\_Intellectual](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sudo\_Intellectual](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sudo_Intellectual)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/80 "2010-02-19T19:46:38Z")
I have to agree with the one for Chemistry, and more for compatability. I think if you have to talk yourself into it, then it’s a pretty good sign that it isn’t right. I spent a good two years doing the online dating thing. I met a lot of wonderful people, had some great first dates, and some good second or third dates. There was one guy that I met, on paper he was everything. We had similar interests, great conversations, he was attractive, employed, he was a really sweet caring guy. I just felt zero chemistry. I mean ZERO. We went out and would have a great time but I dreaded the end of the date as I had no desire to even kiss the man, much less anything else he may or may not expect. I tried to convince myself that I was just afraid of a good thing. (I may be somewhat of a commitmentaphobe). I kept going out with him, even kept having that good night kiss (although nothing else) for probably 5 or 6 dates. I finally came to the realization that it wasn’t something that was going to go away. There was no chemistry and although he was a great guy, he wasn’t the great guy for me. The guy I’m dating now, I knew the second that I met him that I wanted to kiss him. It took us 3 dates to get to that point but that pull, it’s not something that can be faked and I don’t think it should be. Now, 5 months later I’m finding all the other ways in which we are compatible. But again, those wouldn’t have mattered had I not had that first gut tug when I met him. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424.md?page=5)