# How many seals can a lone chimpanzee take on, unarmed? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 1, 2011, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822 "2011-09-01T04:01:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/1 "2011-09-01T04:01:25Z")
or Gurkhas or clones of your favourite martial artist? can the MMA fight against the chimpanzee’s ancient art of face-tearing and eye-gouging? ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/2 "2011-09-01T04:19:01Z")
Leopard seals will mess you up. Elephant seals can just roll over and crush with 6,600 lbs. And they don’t have visible scrotums to chew off. As far as martial artists, [John Miller](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxkr4wS7XqY) (who?) can turn the chimp powers against them. Gouging starts at the end, but don’t fast forward - you’re watching cinema history! ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/3 "2011-09-01T04:57:43Z")
[Threads](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=569914&highlight=chimp) you might find [entertaining](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=588905&highlight=chimp). ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/4 "2011-09-01T11:27:51Z")
Chimps cannot swim, so the seals have a distinct advantage. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/5 "2011-09-01T11:42:50Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Chimps cannot swim, so the seals have a distinct advantage. Actually, I understand that _some_ chimps can - in fact, some can outperform human Olympic swimmers. Most however have no clue and sink like rocks. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/6 "2011-09-01T11:51:56Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > Actually, I understand that _some_ chimps can - in fact, some can outperform human Olympic swimmers. Most however have no clue and sink like rocks. First person who gives SCUBA gear to a chimp is on my hit list. They are too much like us – I don’t trust the bastards. (I also have a standing policy of killing any raccoons I see knapping flint. If those little beggers figure out how to make tools we are all screwed.) ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/7 "2011-09-01T11:55:35Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > (I also have a standing policy of killing any raccoons I see knapping flint. If those little beggers figure out how to make tools we are all screwed.) Now that there is a scary thought. Thanks, **Dr. Fi** for adding to my nightmares. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/8 "2011-09-01T12:10:54Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > Now that there is a scary thought. Thanks, **Dr. Fi** for adding to my nightmares. I try my best. It is good to see one’s efforts recognized. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/9 "2011-09-01T12:37:30Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > [Threads](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=569914&highlight=chimp) you might find [entertaining](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=588905&highlight=chimp). There seems to be some fascination among 'Dopers about the combat prowess of an enraged Chimp. I confess, I am one of these 'Dopers. I have no idea why. It’s not like I’d find a bear taking on a lion particularly interesting…However if you put that bear up against a Chimp I’d be glued to the screen… ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/10 "2011-09-01T12:51:16Z")
I bet Masutatsu Oyama could have beaten a chimpanzee. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/11 "2011-09-01T13:10:38Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > There seems to be some fascination among 'Dopers about the combat prowess of an enraged Chimp. > > I confess, I am one of these 'Dopers. > > I have no idea why. It’s not like I’d find a bear taking on a lion particularly interesting…However if you put that bear up against a Chimp I’d be glued to the screen… It’s not just us - the Perfect Master [led the way](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2/can-a-90-lb-chimp-clobber-a-full-grown-man) in 1976. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/12 "2011-09-01T16:09:57Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Chimps cannot swim, so the seals have a distinct advantage. Seal vs chimp in the jungle ends very differently, of course. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/13 "2011-09-01T16:20:53Z")
> [@Cecil](#): > > … A 165-pound man, by comparison, could manage a one-handed pull of about 210 pounds. Even more frightening, a female chimp, weighing a mere 135 pounds and going by the name of Suzette, checked in with a one-handed pull of 1,260 pounds. … > [@PlainJain](#): > > [Threads](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=569914&highlight=chimp) you might find … oh how could i have forgotten the awesomeness of the standing dual intersect shockwave attack!? the consensus in both threads was that the chimp wins in a 1v1. with the recent interest in Gurkhas and Navy Seals (“1 vs 40 bandits!”, “not if they attacked all at once!”), i was wondering how many unarmed men it will take to defeat an enraged shrimp. ---
**Author:** ![docnyt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@docnyt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/docnyt)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/14 "2011-09-01T16:23:27Z")
The trunk monkey can on take all of Seal Team 6. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/15 "2011-09-01T16:23:33Z")
> [@shijinn](#): > > oh how could i have forgotten the awesomeness of the standing dual intersect shockwave attack!? > > the consensus in both threads was that the chimp wins in a 1v1. with the recent interest in Gurkhas and Navy Seals (“1 vs 40 bandits!”, “not if they attacked all at once!”), i was wondering how many unarmed men it will take to defeat an enraged shrimp. Mantis shrimp, krill or prawn? ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/16 "2011-09-01T17:20:45Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Mantis shrimp, krill or prawn? I think I could take on a shrimpanzee hybrid. After all, he may be all muscle but he’ll only be about 6 inches tall, tops, and will have to stay in the water. On the other hand I could get very unlucky and be facing 200 lbs. of enraged muscular primate with 8 arms (and 2 legs) and an exoskeleton. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/17 "2011-09-01T18:28:31Z")
Two seals can take him, if they both punch him in the head from opposite directions at the same time. It’s his only weak spot! ---
**Author:** ![JoelUpchurch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f05b48/32.png) [@JoelUpchurch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoelUpchurch)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2011, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/18 "2011-09-01T19:13:57Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > (I also have a standing policy of killing any raccoons I see knapping flint. If those little beggers figure out how to make tools we are all screwed.) Flint? They are probably harvesting credit card numbers from your trash right now. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-seals-can-a-lone-chimpanzee-take-on-unarmed/594822/19 "2011-09-02T00:01:31Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Mantis shrimp, krill or prawn? Shrimp are pansies. Mantis shrimp, on the other hand, are not shrimp despite the name, but are godless killing machines. Truly one of the most interesting and terrifying animals (that are not parasites).