# How many ways can we say male masterbation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 16, 2000, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831 "2000-03-16T17:03:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![aha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eada6e/32.png) [@aha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aha)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/1 "2000-03-16T17:03:00Z")
Here’s my contribution: Pumping the Bishop * * * Yours truly, aha ---
**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/2 "2000-03-16T17:06:00Z")
Spanking the monkey. * * * “I thought: opera, how hard can it be? Songs. Pretty girls dancing. Nice scenery. Lots of people handing over cash. Got to be better than the cut-throat world of yoghurt, I thought.” - Seldom Bucket ---
**Author:** ![kknick34](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a698b9/32.png) [@kknick34](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kknick34)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/3 "2000-03-16T17:11:00Z")
Cuffing the Bishop Clown Boxing Waxing the Dolphin I was at a George Carlin show were he came up with at least 50 ways to say male masterbation, but could only come up with 3 ways say female masterbation ---
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/4 "2000-03-16T17:31:00Z")
Pull over. Do you know why I stopped you? Exactly. I’m going to let you off with a warning. On your journey. Don’t let me catch you again. It’s “masturbation.” ---
**Author:** ![Crystalguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dbc845/32.png) [@Crystalguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crystalguy)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/5 "2000-03-16T17:34:00Z")
And we all know what it is and how to do it. So why do we have to have some alternate name for it? ---
**Author:** ![Chrome\_Toaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Chrome\_Toaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chrome_Toaster)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/6 "2000-03-16T17:37:00Z")
Like “Floggin’ the Dog”? ---
**Author:** ![aha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eada6e/32.png) [@aha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aha)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/7 "2000-03-16T17:46:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by WallyM7: > \*\*Pull over. > > Do you know why I stopped you? Exactly. > > I’m going to let you off with a warning. On your journey. Don’t let me catch you again. > > It’s “masturbation.”\*\* Thanks Walley and glad you are feeling ok! * * * Yours truly, aha ---
**Author:** ![aha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eada6e/32.png) [@aha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aha)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/8 "2000-03-16T17:48:00Z")
oh and another contribution: Lopin the mule * * * Yours truly, aha ---
**Author:** ![Rollin\_a\_Bone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/49beb7/32.png) [@Rollin\_a\_Bone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rollin_a_Bone)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/9 "2000-03-16T17:52:00Z")
“dating the palm sisters” ---
**Author:** ![WIGGUM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ce7236/32.png) [@WIGGUM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WIGGUM)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/10 "2000-03-16T17:53:00Z")
“Pull Over” I thought for a minute that was Wally’s contribution to the OP. Wackin’ Off ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/11 "2000-03-17T06:08:00Z")
beating the meat, yanking the crank, slamming the ham, whipping the willy… ---
**Author:** ![Wicked\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/2acd7d/32.png) [@Wicked\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wicked_Blue)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/12 "2000-03-17T06:19:00Z")
Gettin’ jizzy wit it. 🙂 Rose * * * I told you not to be stupid, you moron. ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/13 "2000-03-17T06:57:00Z")
Having a tug of war with cyclops. Dating Rosy Palm and her five sisters. Pullin’ pud. * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/14 "2000-03-16T19:11:00Z")
Slappin’ the salami. Beatin’ the meat. (female)Knocking the little man out of the boat. * * * Mike Mulligan had a steam shovel, a beautiful red steam shovel. Her name was Mary Anne. ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/15 "2000-03-16T19:12:00Z")
Sorry RTF, brain fart… ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/16 "2000-03-16T19:16:00Z")
377 ways: 1 Michael Mastersonbation 2 Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel 3 Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior 4 Audition the finger puppets 5 Audition your hand puppet 6 Backstroke roulette 7 Bash the candle 8 Battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love 9 Be your own best friend 10 Beat off 11 Beat the Bishop 12 Beat the bologna 13 Beat the dummy 14 Beat the meat 15 Beat the pud 16 Beat the stick 17 Beat up your date 18 Beef tips stroking off 19 Bleed the weed 20 Blow your load 21 Blow your own horn 22 Bludgeon the beefsteak 23 Bop the bippy 24 Bop the bologna 25 Bop the bonzo 26 Box the Jesuit 27 Box with Richard 28 Buff the banana 29 Bugger your hand 30 Burp the baby 31 Burp the worm 32 Butter the corn 33 Caning the vandal 34 Charm the snake 35 Check for testicular cancer 36 Cheese off 37 Choke Kojak 38 Choke the chicken 39 Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come 40 Clamp the pipe 41 Clean your rifle 42 Clear the snorkel 43 Climb the tree 44 Closet Frisbee 45 Come into your own 46 Cook the cream of cock 47 Corral your tadpole 48 Couch hockey for one 49 Crank the love pump 50 Crank the shank 51 Crimp the wire 52 Crown the king 53 Cuddle the kielbasa 54 Cuff the carrot 55 Daisy-chaining 56 Date Miss Michigan 57 Date Mrs. Palmer and Her five daughters 58 Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters 59 Defrosting the fridge 60 Diddle 61 Digital penile oscillation 62 Do It Your Way 63 Do handiwork 64 Do the White Knuckler 65 Do the janitor thing 66 Drain the monster 67 Dry humping the ottoman 68 Electing the President 69 Engage in safe sex 70 Exercise one’s right 71 Feed the ducks 72 Fiddle the flesh flute 73 Fist fuck 74 Fist your mister 75 Five knuckle shuffle 76 Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump 77 Flick your Bic 78 Fling your phallus 79 Flip the Bishop 80 Flog the Bishop 81 Flog the dog 82 Flog the dolphin 83 Flog the dong 84 Flog the hog 85 Flog the log 86 Flog the mule 87 Fly fishing 88 Fondle your flagpole 89 Free Willy 90 Friggit 91 Frost the pastries 92 Gallop the antelope 93 Gallop the old lizard 94 Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion 95 Get a date with Slick Mittens 96 Get chafed 97 Get off 98 Get the German soldier marching 99 Get to know yourself 100 Get your pole varnished 101 Give it a tug 102 Give your low five 103 Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh 104 Go blind 105 Go on a date with Fisty Palmer 106 Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela 107 Go the blow 108 Goose the gherkin 109 Grease the pipe 110 Hack the hog 111 Hand job 112 Hand shandy 113 Hard labor 114 Have one off the wrist 115 Hitchhike to heaven 116 Hitchhike underneath the big top 117 Hold the Bishop 118 Hold the sausage hostage 119 Hone the cone 120 Honk your horn 121 Hug the hog 122 Human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT 123 Hump your hose 124 Jack hammer 125 Jack off 126 Jazz yourself 127 Jerk 128 Jerk Jamby 129 Jerk it 130 Jerk off 131 Jerk the gherkin 132 Jizzlob 133 JocelynEldering 134 Kick your roommate out for five to ten minutes to “call your parents” 135 Look for ticks 136 Lope the mule 137 Love the muppet 138 Love’s labors lost 139 Make a foreskin cone 140 Make instant pudding 141 Make the bald man puke 142 Making soup 143 Mangle the midget 144 Manipulate the mango 145 Manual labor 146 Manual override 147 Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock 148 Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters 149 Milk the Lizard 150 Milk the cow 151 Milk the moose 152 Milk the self 153 Milking the lizard 154 Mount a corporal and four 155 Much goo about nothing 156 Nerk your throbber 157 Null the void 158 Oil the glove 159 Onan’s olympics 160 One gun salute 161 One man band 162 One-night-stand with yourself 163 Pack your palm 164 Paddle the pickle 165 Paint the ceiling 166 Paint the pickle 167 Palm the calm 168 Peel some chilis 169 Peel the banana 170 Perform diagnostics on your ManTool 171 Pet the lizard 172 Pip the pumpkin 173 Play Uno 174 Play a little five-on-one 175 Play a one stringed guitar 176 Play five against one 177 Play in a one-man show 178 Play peek-a-boo 179 Play pocket pinball 180 Play pocket pool 181 Play tag with the pink torpedo 182 Play the skin flute 183 Play tug-o-war with Cyclops 184 Play with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys) 185 Playing the one-stringed melody 186 Please your pisser 187 Plunk your twanger 188 Polish Percy in your palm 189 Polish the Rocket 190 Polish the family jewels 191 Polish the helmet 192 Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter 193 Polish the rocket 194 Polish the sword 195 Pound off 196 Pound the bald-headed moose 197 Pound the pud 198 Pound your flounder 199 Pound your pud 200 Prepare the carrot 201 Prime the pump 202 Pull off 203 Pull rank 204 Pull the bologna pony 205 Pull the carrot 206 Pull the cord 207 Pull the goalie 208 Pull the pole 209 Pull the Pope 210 Pull the pud 211 Pull your own leg 212 Pull your prick 213 Pull your taffy 214 Pump the python 215 Pump the stump 216 Punch the clown 217 Punch the munchkin 218 Punish Percy in your palm 219 Ram the ham 220 Relieve tension 221 Ride the great white knuckler 222 Roll your own 223 Romeo and Himself 224 Rope the pony 225 Rope the Pope 226 Rub off 227 Rub one out 228 Rub the pink eraser 229 Run off a batch by hand 230 Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights 231 Safest sex 232 Sand wood 233 Scour the tower of power 234 Scratch the itch 235 Secret handshake 236 Self abuse 237 Self-induced penile regurgitation 238 Sex with someone you really love 239 Shag 240 Shake hands with Abe Lincoln 241 Shake hands with Yul Brynner 242 Shake hands with the midget 243 Shake hands with the unemployed 244 Shake hands with your John Thomas 245 Shake hands with your wife’s best friend 246 Shake the sauce 247 Shake the sausage 248 Shake the snake 249 Shaling the snake 250 Shellac the shillelagh 251 Shemp the hog 252 Shift gears 253 Shine the helmet 254 Shine your pole 255 Shoot for the moon 256 Shoot putty at the moon 257 Shoot the airplane 258 Shuck your corn 259 Slakin’ the bacon 260 Slam the ham 261 Slam the salami 262 Slam the salmon 263 Slam the spam 264 Slap high fives with Yul Brynner 265 Slap it 266 Slap pappy 267 Slap the carrot 268 Slap the clown 269 Slap the donkey 270 Slap the pud 271 Slap the purple headed yogurt pistol 272 Slap the salami 273 Sling the jelly 274 Smack off 275 Smack the salami 276 Snap the monkey 277 Snap the rubber 278 Snap the whip 279 Solo flight 280 Solo marathon 281 Solo sex 282 Spank Frank (or Elvis) 283 Spank the Bishop 284 Spank the frank 285 Spank the monkey 286 Spank the salami 287 Spank the wank 288 Squeeze the cheese 289 Squeeze the juice 290 Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube 291 Squeeze your cheese-dog 292 Stinky pinky 293 Stir the batter 294 Stir the yogurt 295 Strain the main vein 296 Stroke it 297 Stroke off 298 Stroke the carrot 299 Stroke the dog 300 Stroke the mole 301 Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko 302 Stroke the satin-headed serpent 303 Stroke your poker 304 S ---
**Author:** ![psycat90](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@psycat90](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psycat90)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/17 "2000-03-16T19:30:00Z")
Sure, H2. * * * I like it here-can I stay? And do you have a vacancy for a Back-scrubber? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/18 "2000-03-16T19:54:00Z")
H2 - It looks like your social calender is booked up for the next twenty years… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![aha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eada6e/32.png) [@aha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aha)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/19 "2000-03-16T20:07:00Z")
H2 That is truly amazing…I am shaking my head in amazment right now. * * * Yours truly, aha ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/20 "2000-03-16T20:16:00Z")
“The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver”? “Romeo and Himself”?!? ## Buh HAHAHA! You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831.md?page=2)