# How many ways can we say male masterbation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 16, 2000, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831 "2000-03-16T17:03:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Daniel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Daniel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daniel)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/21 "2000-03-16T20:54:00Z")
“typing with one hand” ---
**Author:** ![Guy\_Incognito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guy_incognito/32/3920_2.png) [@Guy\_Incognito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guy_Incognito)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/22 "2000-03-16T21:07:00Z")
In a political vein (ha!): Shaking hands with the president Phoning the Czar * * * “It’s only common sense, There are no accidents 'round here.” ---
**Author:** ![NothingMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b77776/32.png) [@NothingMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NothingMan)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/23 "2000-03-16T21:07:00Z")
Sheesh H8 you are scaring the normal people with that stuff. Seriously, find a woman - I am worried about you - seriously. Oh, and you forgot one : “wrestling with Jimmy” (thanks to Weezer). Good gravy man. ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/24 "2000-03-16T21:32:00Z")
Aha, before you genuflect, I got the same list via email months ago. Oh, and my contribution: roughing up the suspect * * * “Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known” - Michel Gyquem de Montaigne ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/25 "2000-03-16T21:33:00Z")
Midnight Carpet Feeding ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/26 "2000-03-16T23:29:00Z")
[http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~werdna/alliteration.html](http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~werdna/alliteration.html) For the religious-minded. – Sylence * * * “Excuse me, are you reading Torah and eating crayons?” ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2000, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/27 "2000-03-16T23:48:00Z")
“Pat the Robertson” * * * Gamera is really neat, he is full of turtle meat, we’ve been eating Gam-er-aaaa… ---
**Author:** ![Sweet\_Basil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4bbf92/32.png) [@Sweet\_Basil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sweet_Basil)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/28 "2000-03-17T00:46:00Z")
How about “obscure the skewer” or, for sex, “introduce her to your producer” I love those… ## Sweet Basil Didn’t get voted for a damn thing! (thanks guys…) ---
**Author:** ![RoboDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bbe5ce/32.png) [@RoboDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoboDude)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/29 "2000-03-17T01:52:00Z")
Here’s something you might want to hear: [http://www.laughnet.net/archive/multi/macarena.wav](http://www.laughnet.net/archive/multi/macarena.wav) * * * Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/30 "2000-03-17T02:07:00Z")
Slappin’ the big-nosed rasta-man. ---
**Author:** ![Lawrence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/2bfe46/32.png) [@Lawrence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lawrence)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/31 "2000-03-17T02:46:00Z")
Do the hand shandy. Make Percy puke. Date Five-Fingers Mary. Commit self-pollution. Turn on the hose. Make vanilla pudding. ---
**Author:** ![Major\_Feelgud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3be4f8/32.png) [@Major\_Feelgud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Major_Feelgud)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/32 "2000-03-17T04:27:00Z")
Fuck me, H8\_2\_W8, you’re good. (That’s a pun in case you didn’t get it.) ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/33 "2000-03-17T04:38:00Z")
H8, **WOW!!** Now I’m worried about any sheep in your neighborhood… * * * Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/34 "2000-03-17T04:59:00Z")
‘Buying the Optometrist a new house.’ ‘Disciplining the monkey.’ ‘Polishing the flagpole.’ ‘Thinking.’ * * * _Eschew Obfuscation_ ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/35 "2000-03-17T07:21:00Z")
This was the subject of a George Carlin monlogue a few years back. I was fortunate enough to see him perform it live. I expect that’s where the e-mail list comes from. ---
**Author:** ![H8\_2\_W8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c77e96/32.png) [@H8\_2\_W8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/H8_2_W8)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/36 "2000-03-17T12:55:00Z")
Wow, I didn’t think I’d get so many responses from a simple cut & paste I found on a humor website. As a practical joke on a co-worker, I did one time print that list out with the header “Jerry’s To Do List” and put check marks next to 50 or 60 of the euphemisms. I then left if in the bathroom stall for others to find. Come to think of it, I also requested a Victoria’s Secret catalog sent to the same guy, delivered to our office, but entered the name “Jerry D. Wanker” for the mailing label. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Cool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecb155/32.png) [@Joe\_Cool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Cool)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/37 "2000-03-17T16:49:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by H8\_2\_W8: > **377 ways: > _LOTS of cuttage_ > Damn, my arm is tired (from typing).** You have issues. ## I like to call it “running for president” As in, “I’m getting tired of hearing about how al gore and george bush are running for president.” ## Oh, what’s that? So now you say life sucks? Well 99% of it’s what you make of it… So if your life sucks, YOU suck! Joe\_Cool ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/38 "2000-03-17T17:18:00Z")
My personal favorite term is only sorta-kinda on that list. In honor of our former Surgeon General, who was blacklisted for daring to suggest that masturbation be part of sex ed: Jostlin’ the Elder. * * * This post brought to you by the US Department of Overprotective Paternalism. ---
**Author:** ![Satchmo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/satchmo/32/4223_2.png) [@Satchmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satchmo)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2000, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/39 "2000-03-18T06:58:00Z")
I’ve always liked the phrase: “Discussing the Irish Situation” I think from an old SNL parody of Casey Kassem by Dana Carvey. * * * What do you want for Christmas, Crow? I want to decide who lives and who dies! ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2000, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831/40 "2000-03-17T19:08:00Z")
The sound of one hand clapping. * * * When all else fails, ask Cecil. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-ways-can-we-say-male-masterbation/14831.md?page=1)