# How much do you owe a long-estranged parent? (kind of long) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Tags:** movies\ **Created:** [February 8, 2024, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315 "2024-02-08T17:48:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2024, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/41 "2024-02-09T18:50:52Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > So she didn’t have either of their addresses when her mother died, and apparently it had been so long that she no longer really thought of either of them being ‘family’ to her. (Maybe that counts as her ‘abandoning’ them?) Seems to me it was more them abandoning her than her abandoning them. If her father had bothered to update her with new addresses when they moved, she would have had the addresses. > [@mjmartin](#): > > > [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > > > Apparently the only way Bob was able to contact her now was that her real first name is very rare plus he was able to find some older contact info via searching the internet after tracking down records from when she’d sold her mother’s old house. > > Any small ounce of sympathy I had for the brother went right out the window with this sentence. I Yeah. I had been assuming that there had been some at least minimal contact with the brother all along, and that therefore that might be a relationship worth saving. He wasn’t responsible for the lack of contact when he was a minor; but he is responsible for it since he became an adult. The internet has existed for quite a while now. He didn’t bother trying to hunt up his sister until he wanted money? I mean, I can see his reacting to the realization that his father is dying by deciding that after all these years he wants to get in touch with his sister, whether to tell her about the state his father’s in or because it made him want to renew other family connections. But that’s not a conversation that would start with, or reasonably move rapidly into, ‘you should pay for his care.’ it really does seem that the only motivation here is the money. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/42 "2024-02-10T00:04:17Z")
Yeah. Fuck Bob AND the old man. ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/43 "2024-02-10T00:15:41Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > Yeah. I had been assuming that there had been some at least minimal contact with the brother all along, and that therefore that might be a relationship worth saving. He wasn’t responsible for the lack of contact when he was a minor; but he is responsible for it since he became an adult. The internet has existed for quite a while now. He didn’t bother trying to hunt up his sister until he wanted money? Yes indeed. Pulling this quote from the original OP might help explain this: “Bob is now the manager of one store in a national chain. He is divorced, and recently remarried a much younger women with two mid-teen stepchildren. The wife doesn’t work.” My wild guess here is that the recent new wife with the two children was pushing Bob to find the money to care for his father elsewhere. I think it’s possible that the new wife is behind this, and absent her “advice”, Bob would never have bothered to try to track down Letty in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/44 "2024-02-10T00:37:08Z")
Totally agree with **Euphonious\_Polemic** ; these were also my first thoughts. The new wife doesn’t want to be forced to _gasp_ work outside the home and probably doesn’t understand the full history of why Letty and Bob are estranged. “Don’t you have a sister? What’s she doing about your father? She’s his child, too. Why should you be the only one paying? Find your sister and make her pay!” - - - Ok, that might be making a hundred and three assumptions, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if it’s not pretty close to the mark. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/45 "2024-02-10T07:07:42Z")
I’d also pin this on the brother. If he’s been out of contact all these years she has no obligation to him either. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/46 "2024-02-10T07:33:35Z")
Nah, fuck 'em all Letty. ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/47 "2024-02-10T07:42:26Z")
> [@Salem](#): > > Ok, that might be making a hundred and three assumptions, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if it’s not pretty close to the mark. I was thinking along the same lines, and I can’t even fault the new wife. She only has Bob’s point of view on the family history, and of course it’s going to be different than Letty’s. So Bob is probably trying to placate his wife at least as much as actually expecting Letty to contribute, though he won’t turn down any money. Bob may be completely in the wrong here (and I think he is), but he’s also in a tough spot. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/48 "2024-02-10T09:58:07Z")
The most help I might give would be to research a better Medicare facility. But they don’t get another penny from me. . . I mean her. She owes that man nothing. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/49 "2024-02-10T12:15:30Z")
Just say, ‘Sorry, I can’t help you out.’ And leave it at that. Literally not another word. It’s also possible that Bob has zero to lose by asking, so why wouldn’t he? Instigated by the new wife or not, he’s giving it his best shot, making inquiries. Don’t overthink it, don’t get invested or, dither over how to proceed. Just say no, sorry. And let it be. If, they persist in contacting you, and implying you ought to help, you owe them exactly a second, ‘Again, sorry, but I cannot help.’ Ignore any and all further contact like it never happened. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/50 "2024-02-10T14:15:27Z")
I think you should mention to Letty how unusual it is for Dopers to be virtually unanimous on something! ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/51 "2024-02-10T14:55:51Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > Yeah. I had been assuming that there had been some at least minimal contact with the brother all along, and that therefore that might be a relationship worth saving. He wasn’t responsible for the lack of contact when he was a minor; but he is responsible for it since he became an adult. The internet has existed for quite a while now. He didn’t bother trying to hunt up his sister until he wanted money? You had this right from the beginning. I don’t know why I thought there might be a sunny side to this street. There so rarely is. > [@thorny\_locust](#): > > I mean, I can see his reacting to the realization that his father is dying by deciding that after all these years he wants to get in touch with his sister, whether to tell her about the state his father’s in or because it made him want to renew other family connections. But that’s not a conversation that would start with, or reasonably move rapidly into, ‘you should pay for his care.’ it really does seem that the only motivation here is the money. It looks like that is the heart of the story. He’s just trying to take the pressure off himself. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/52 "2024-02-10T15:09:16Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > I think you should mention to Letty how unusual it is for Dopers to be virtually unanimous on something! I know, right? Every Doper cat herding in the same direction? Practically unheard-of! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/53 "2024-02-10T15:38:16Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > Like, she was the “lucky one” and her brother got the short end of the stick, for no fault of his own. Well, certainly some things are beyond the brother’s control, like the father getting dementia or losing his job. OTOH, no one held a gun to his head and forced him to marry a much younger woman and put her children through college. That is a decision he made. His wife sounds certainly capable of working. Taking out college loans is an option as well. I don’t know if the sister should or should not help out, but maybe he should make plans as if she didn’t exist then if she does help, bonus for everyone! I know the heart wants what the heart wants and you can’t put a price on love…yet here we are. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/54 "2024-02-10T15:38:21Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > The internet has existed for quite a while now. He didn’t bother trying to hunt up his sister until he wanted money? Even if he’s been searching for her for 25 years, he still shouldn’t be looking for money from her. And she definitely has no obligation to the father . But there are a few people (not relatives ) I’ve been trying to find for years - and I didn’t find them until I subscribed to a genealogy site last year. Some turned out to be on Facebook , but not under their full real name , or the name I knew them by. Think Donna Jo Catz, when Catz refers to their pets and I knew them as Donna Anderson. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/55 "2024-02-10T16:03:06Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > The only reason to mention that was to contrast with cases of children who had much worse parents who should have no difficulty with a decision like this. I had much worse parents and I still struggle with the guilt that I’ve abandoned them. I’ve learned to accept that guilt is part of the trauma, it will always be with me, and since Letty’s Dad effectively abandoned her, I call that loss a trauma. Since the OP is grappling with what to say to Letty, I would say: _the guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong._ It’s just another shitty part of being abandoned or abused by a parent. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/56 "2024-02-10T16:18:38Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > Even if he’s been searching for her for 25 years, he still shouldn’t be looking for money from her. And she definitely has no obligation to the father . But there are a few people (not relatives ) I’ve been trying to find for years - and I didn’t find them until I subscribed to a genealogy site last year. Some turned out to be on Facebook , but not under their full real name , or the name I knew them by. Think Donna Jo Catz, when Catz refers to their pets and I knew them as Donna Anderson. OK, that’s fair; and “Letty” might well have taken her husband’s name, and has been married long enough to have grandchildren. But I still think that, as you implied, that’s a conversation that should go like, ‘I’ve been hunting for you for years and I finally found you!’; not like ‘I’ve found you and you need to pay for Dad’s nursing home.’ > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I would say: _the guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong._ I think that’s a really good way to put it. And it applies to other situations also – people sometimes feel guilty because they didn’t stop somebody from going somewhere and that person got in an unforeseeable car accident, for instance. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/57 "2024-02-10T16:28:57Z")
I understand that. I carry a lot of pointless and unexplainable guilt. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2024, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315/58 "2024-02-10T17:22:56Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > A nice card and good wishes on the appropriate occasions. He’s earned a birthday card on his 11th year in the nursing home. As adults we are responsible for supporting our children to the best of our abilities. We are also responsible for our own retirement so that we don’t become burdens to our children. So I would list the order as follows: 1. Children 2. Retirement 3. Parent’s support I don’t know what the difference is between the 2 medical facilities but at least the person is under some type of certified medical care. Any financial support should not be at the expense of personal liability for one’s self and that includes any unforeseen family emergencies that may come up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-do-you-owe-a-long-estranged-parent-kind-of-long/997315.md?page=2)