# How much honesty should there be in a marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 21, 2013, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781 "2013-08-21T07:29:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/21 "2013-08-21T09:55:30Z")
BTW lately I’ve been feeling guilty about what I’ve been up to so I overcompensate a bit and feel more affectionate towards my wife… ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/22 "2013-08-21T10:05:40Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > BTW I believe that there are stages in life where people are learning boundaries… so initially they might have some inappropriate behaviour… I’ve found that a lot of the naughty kids at school ended up having good skills with people and/or women… by testing boundaries people can learn how to be more interesting and controversial. BTW with my wife we joke a lot sexually. I started life very shy and at the 4th year of university I finally started to act boldly… though it resulted in a manic episode. Sandra might think that’s oversharing but it is an important stage in my life. Mental illness has a lot of stigma. I’ve lost years of my life due to mental illness. Being able to share things here makes me feel less ashamed of myself and more self-confident. Self-confidence seems to be attractive to my wife. Being attractive to my wife is important so that she does a lot of the initiating sexually. I could easily say more on that subject. Actually no, this post isn’t over-sharing. That’s why I asked you if you understood what the term means. Over-sharing isn’t as simply as sharing too much information, it’s more about sharing \*\*inappropriate \*\*information. And what is appropriate in one setting is not necessarily appropriate in another. There’s nothing in your post there that’s inappropriate to share on this message board. Statements like ‘I fingered my wife’ (which I recollect from another thread) are over-sharing because that level of information about your sexual experiences with your wife are not appropriate to share on this message board. And now to comment on your post… I agree that people can learn by testing boundaries. But people can also learn by observing what happens to other people when they test boundaries. So you don’t have to learn everything by experiencing it first-hand. You can observe a person’s behaviour, and you can observe how other people react to that person’s behaviour, and learn from the reaction as to whether that behaviour is appropriate or not. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/23 "2013-08-21T10:16:20Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > …Statements like ‘I fingered my wife’ (which I recollect from another thread) are over-sharing because that level of information about your sexual experiences with your wife are not appropriate to share on this message board. I never received a warning from a moderator… though I agree that it is a controversial thing to say. BTW when I was a teenager I was clueless about sexual things. My “friend” once asked me to ask a girl whether she’d give a certain celebrity a head job. She seemed to be shocked - then the guy asked me if I even knew what a head job is. I’ve had a history of just doing what people told me to do. Maybe my recent behavior of talking quite freely is from my history of reading introspective self-help books and going to psychologists/doctors. > [@](#): > > …You can observe a person’s behaviour, and you can observe how other people react to that person’s behaviour, and learn from the reaction as to whether that behaviour is appropriate or not. But there are lots of different consequences for similar behaviors. Anyway like I said I didn’t get any warning… I don’t regret mentioning it. Well I guess I could have said we had digital sex or some more technical term… ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/24 "2013-08-21T10:18:22Z")
I guess I could have said that I know she doesn’t have a penis because I’ve “checked”. (rather than saying how I checked) ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/25 "2013-08-21T10:20:17Z")
> [@](#): > > …You can observe a person’s behaviour, and you can observe how other people react to that person’s behaviour, and learn from the reaction as to whether that behaviour is appropriate or not. I haven’t observed anyone on this messageboard talk about sex with their wife… but that doesn’t prove it is inappropriate. Intuitively it might seem inappropriate… ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/26 "2013-08-21T10:21:11Z")
There is a difference between “socially inappropriate” and “against the rules of this message board”. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/27 "2013-08-21T10:24:34Z")
What is socially inappropriate depends on the person. For some people a lot of swearing is inappropriate. For some people talking about religion or politics is inappropriate. On “Sex and the City” they apparently talk explicitly about their sex lives… ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/28 "2013-08-21T10:29:12Z")
I think the problem is really that some of your relationship threads are very hard for people to categorize, they can’t tell whether it is sincere or humorous and it makes them uncomfortable. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/29 "2013-08-21T10:35:27Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > What is socially inappropriate depends on the person. For some people a lot of swearing is inappropriate. For some people talking about religion or politics is inappropriate. On “Sex and the City” they apparently talk explicitly about their sex lives… Well, social appropriateness is way more complex than that. It’s not just about the person, it’s about the location, the setting, stuff that has happened in the past, a whole bunch of things. For example, I might have a ‘girls night in’ and invite some female friends over to drink wine and watch movies. Our conversation later in the evening might turn to sex and we might be quite graphic in what we say (probably accompanied by a lot of giggling). However, take those same female friends, put them in a restaurant and that sort of conversation is definitely not appropriate. As grude has alluded to, when you say something inappropriate for this message board, people don’t know how to respond. They don’t know if you are being deliberately inappropriate to be funny or offensive, or whether you are being accidentally inappropriate. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/30 "2013-08-21T11:04:56Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I could easily say more on that subject. Please, do. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/31 "2013-08-21T11:18:43Z")
Absolute honesty is essential for a marriage, and that honesty comes easily if you trust and respect your partner. Work on the trust and respect part and report back to us. (For the record, none of us really give a fuck what exactly you do with your wife. However, your comments on that aspect of your relationship clearly show that you do not respect her and makes us wonder why you bother to remain married. Marriage, ideally, is a partnership of equals. You do not demonstrate enough respect for your wife to treat her as an equal, and so you appear to us to have a sham marriage.) ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/32 "2013-08-21T11:39:22Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > You do not demonstrate enough respect for your wife to treat her as an equal I just thought I’d highlight this. You come across as having married her out of a combination of pity and the conviction that you couldn’t do any better. I always feel really sorry for her based on how you talk about her. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/33 "2013-08-21T11:42:30Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Absolute honesty is essential for a marriage _Except_ for Vegas. What happens there, stays there. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/34 "2013-08-21T11:44:27Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > On “Sex and the City” they apparently talk explicitly about their sex lives… I have it on the best authority that they are reading from scripts, but do go on… ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/35 "2013-08-21T11:48:56Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > _Except_ for Vegas. What happens there, stays there. That goes without saying. Respect and trust includes both knowing when to keep your goddamn mouth shut and when to not ask because you won’t like the answer. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/36 "2013-08-21T14:15:22Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I guess I could have said that I know she doesn’t have a penis because I’ve “checked”. (rather than saying how I checked) When your wife says “I have a penis” you do not need at any point to tell us you’ve checked. That is the assumption. The only reason you need to tell us is if you haven’t checked. “My wife says she has a penis. She always makes me have sex in the dark, from behind. She never lets me touch her down there. Is there cause for worry?” We assume you’ve been having sex with her and have already verified. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/37 "2013-08-21T15:37:38Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Should there be total honesty in a marriage? Or should you hide some things… e.g. if you used a bit of porn, or have an attraction towards a friend or celebrity… or find some aspect of your partner’s appearance not so attractive… BTW complete and total honesty is the only way for a marriage to last. I’ve asked my parents and grandparents and other people I know who have been married for a long time what was the secret to staying together and they all say complete and total honesty. > [@JohnClay](#): > > BTW if my wife asks me what I’ve been doing on the internet I often just tell her one minor thing I’ve been doing or say what I’ve been doing in the past… BTW you should just tell you wife what you are doing on the internet. BTW you need to be honest with each other so when you are looking at some hot and sexy man on man action just tell her because as a woman she will probably want to watch too and then you two can have a hobby to share and thus will grow closer to each other and learn to love each other more. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/38 "2013-08-21T15:39:59Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > BTW complete and total honesty is the only way for a marriage to last. Not when honesty comes at the expense of courtesy. You don’t have to mention every little thing that bugs you. You don’t have to tell your wife the ways in which she repulses you. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/39 "2013-08-21T16:08:53Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Not when honesty comes at the expense of courtesy. You don’t have to mention every little thing that bugs you. You don’t have to tell your wife the ways in which she repulses you. You are presupposing that\*\* Drunky Smurf \*\*is trying to help **JohnClay**. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781/40 "2013-08-21T18:33:12Z")
Tact and lies are not the same thing. Refraining from mentioning my boyfriend’s bad morning breath is not a lie. If I didn’t refrain, I’d be telling the truth, but I’d also be an asshole. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-honesty-should-there-be-in-a-marriage/666781.md?page=3)