# How much of a raise would you give/share with your SO? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 21, 2011, 10:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452 "2011-03-21T10:12:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2011, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/41 "2011-03-22T20:15:54Z")
I’m over the chickens and the stone-butt stuff; I’m just hoping we’re privy to the, “My wife left me and I can’t figure out why” conversation. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2011, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/42 "2011-03-22T21:04:20Z")
I am another one who doesn’t worry about the income (it just all goes in the pot) but manages my expenses. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2011, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/43 "2011-03-24T10:03:44Z")
Sorry for the late reply. Thanks to those who tried to help me. FO (rather than FU, which means 'fuck you," but instead I mean “fuck off”) to those who misunderstood my original posts and assume I’m some sort of wife beater/serial killer/pornographer/something else that shows their ignorance. > [@panache45](#): > > The OP makes it sound like your SO is a paid employee, or someone who gets a stipend or allowance. Is there any other kind? She is not a housewife, which is the only other option after your choices. > [@Rebo](#): > > The OP doesn’t make much sense to me. > > Sorry. Gratz? > [@Nava](#): > > It simply happens to be inverted by gender to what I’m more used to seeing, maybe more extreme, but in the end it depends on how different the two partners are about money and its handling. > [@jtgain](#): > > I could see the point of the OP if you are talking about a dating relationship, but in a marriage everything is both of yours anyways. The backstory is that I have psychological issues that I am working with a professional to address. Her story is that she has psychological issues that she refuses to have a professional address. Long story short: I have done bad things, she has done bad things, but we’ve talked about them and worked through them. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Perhaps there’s a miscommunication between “giving” (as in the title) and “spending on”, as suggested by the study **Superhal** mentions in post #13? [Cite.](http://www.amazon.com/Quest-Listening-Speaking-Level-2nd/dp/007326962X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1300960259&sr=8-1) > [@suranyi](#): > > Yeah, I’m not sure I understand the OP’s question. > > In any case, all income received by me or my wife goes into our family’s community money pile, out of which we pay our bills, and out of which comes our savings, etc. > > 20% of our savings, divided equally (so 10% each), goes into individual “blow” accounts that we can each spend as we like without asking the other’s permission. Therefore, if you got a raise, you would share 20%? Ty. > [@Mrs.Cake](#): > > Maybe better to think of it as a “found money” situation, like when I get a holiday bonus at work and my husband doesn’t? Raises just go into the general household account. > > We generally split the found money - half goes to something useful and mutually beneficial like savings, house repair, paying off a bill. The other half get split in half for each of us to do what we want. So the answer would be 25%. > > On the other hand, my husband gets overtime and holiday pay which I, being salaried, do not. In most cases he keeps that in his own account as spending money, having more expensive hobbies than me. Since I handle all the household accounts this helps him not to feel like he is on an allowance, and I can budget from household for my own walking-around cash. Ah, this is the case I was looking for. Thank you for responding. > [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > It would depend on how much she’d broken the rules regarding defrosting chickens throughout the year, I’m sure > [@Enderw24](#): > > Oh my god. It is the same guy. > > Superhal, seriously, we’re all dying to know. Did you ever just ask your wife why she thawed the chickens? > [@overlyverbose](#): > > In response to the OP, our money is just that - our combined money. Reported. Thanks for trying though. > [@Alessan](#): > > We don’t have money - we have income, and we have expenses. If the income column grows bigger, we may increase the expenses column, and we may not. It depends on whether there’s something we want to pay for. Interesting idea, ty. 🙂 > [@Moonlitherial](#): > > I don’t think this is what you meant but I felt the urge to respond anyway 😉 > > One of the keys to our ability to turn our finances around was the creation of separate accounts. When all purchases came out of our joint account and we discussed each one - neither of us wanted to say no to the other. So what generally ended up happening was he would want a new computer. I would say yes and then start looking for something I sort of wanted to spend an equivilent amount on. I would want a weekend away with the girls. He would say yes and buy a new golf club while I was gone. > > Now we each have our own account that our allowance goes into twice a month. We each spend less and yet rarely do we feel we’re depriving ourselves. He’s been going back and forth over whether to get a gun for the PS3 for about 3 weeks now. In the past I would have felt that his hesitation was only due to money and would probably have just bought it for him since he’s mentioned it so many times. Now I know he’s got the money and he can buy it if he wants so there’s no pressure for me to give permission and he doesn’t feel compelled to buy it just because I’ve said yes. > > The answer to the OP btw is 0. We’ve agreed that we have more than sufficient money for our needs and any bonus, raise or other windfall is going directly to debt reduction this year and savings/retirement as soon as we’re debt free. Thank you, that is the kind of honesty I was looking for when I started this thread. 🙂 > [@jsgoddess](#): > > This makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks. 🙂 > [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > I try to decouple my income from my expenses as much as possible. > > I buy the things I need (and some more things that I want), and save all the rest. If I get a raise, or have some found money, The “all the rest” pile just gets bigger. Thanks. 🙂 > [@Markxxx](#): > > Evidently in the old days it was common for the husband to get the raise and not tell the wife, then he had an extra two dollars to spend on beer or \ a “lady of the evening” Thanks. 🙂 > [@Prelude\_to\_Fascination](#): > > I just got a 17% raise, and we have a joint checking account. So we both get 100% of it. No. If you share it equally, you each get 50%. > [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I predict this is going to get a, “Dude, stop stalking me, I already dealt with the chickens, why are you so obsessed with misunderstanding me” post from the OP. Want to call my next Powerball numbers? 😃 > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’m over the chickens and the stone-butt stuff; I’m just hoping we’re privy to the, “My wife left me and I can’t figure out why” conversation. Reported. Nah, j/k. I like you. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2011, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/44 "2011-03-24T11:13:37Z")
I don’t get the chicken references at all. Color me ignorant. I, too, can only make sense of the OPer’s question if I think of it as a bonus instead of a raise. Because a raise isn’t usually a huge lump sum of money, but rather a modest increase in each paycheck. I can definitely see myself thinking that I’ll just go ahead and get that iPad I’ve always wanted were I to get a $2,000 bonus. I wouldn’t do the same thing were I to get a $2000 RAISE because that’d be akin to extracting out $48.15 of each paycheck to put towards an iPad. IMO, all regular pay should go towards common expenses. That includes raises, even if it means increasing the amount you put in savings or the vacation fund. Bonuses are a tad different. My husband gets them often. Large ones, we usually discuss how they’re spent. Smaller ones are usually directed towards house expenses (e.g. a new roof - woo hoo!) or college for the kids. He’ll occasionally get himself something completely frivolous (e.g. a nicer car than he’d have gotten otherwise or a flat screen) but those frivolities are few and far between. Inheritances, on the other hand, we don’t discuss. I consider them to be 100% controlled by the recipient. My husband got a fairly substantial inheritance when we were first married. I considered that money to be his then and still consider it his now. Yes, I’ve benefitted indirectly from it over the years, but I’d have been perfectly fine had he gone out and spent every cent on something completely frivolous and just for him – like a ranch in Wyoming. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2011, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/45 "2011-03-24T11:33:35Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > I don’t get the chicken references at all. Color me ignorant. The chicken references are to [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=598782). One of those that doesn’t go at all the way the OP expected. [This one](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=596509) gives context. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2011, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/46 "2011-03-24T11:35:03Z")
If I received a bonus/raise or my husband received one all the money would go into a common pot. Wanting a little splurge would have nothing to do with who actually earned the money. It’s both ours. If it was a small splurge (couple hundred dollars) we’d just do it. Large splurges we don’t do much anyway, but we would discuss it together. Who actually earned the money doesn’t change how we handle the bills/savings/luxuries one iota. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2011, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/47 "2011-03-24T13:20:56Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > The chicken references are to [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=598782). One of those that doesn’t go at all the way the OP expected. [This one](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=596509) gives context. Thank you. I’m a bit amazed that Superhal has been married for 12 years. It seemed like such a newlywed OP to me. Mr. Pundit and I held separate checking accounts for about a year or so after we were married. But gradually we mingled our money together. Now it would seem odd to have separate accounts. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2011, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/48 "2011-03-24T13:35:50Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Is there any other kind? She is not a housewife, which is the only other option after your choices. So you think of your wife as a paid employee? Suddenly things start to make a whole lot more sense. > [@](#): > > Reported. Thanks for trying though. You reported me for that? Seriously? For THAT? Awesome! Maybe we can now get a moderator in here to ask you about those chickens. Seriously…did you just ask your wife? Sorry. Paid employee? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2011, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/49 "2011-03-24T13:39:11Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > So you think of your wife as a paid employee? Suddenly things start to make a whole lot more sense. I read his response to mean that his wife is an employee (of a company, not Superhal) and gets paid. I could be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/50 "2011-03-25T19:35:02Z")
50%. We pool our incomes, pay our joint bills, and split the remainder in half. We agreed to do that no matter who made more, or even if one of us is not working. I don’t think there’s a universal correct answer for this. What works for one couple will not work for all couples. But the key is that it’s working for both of you. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/51 "2011-03-25T19:44:49Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > \ > Reported. > > Nah, j/k. I like you. Whew, that’s a relief. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/52 "2011-03-25T20:01:14Z")
My husband and I keep separate accounts, so the technical (and short) answer is 0%. However, if I get a raise, I make sure he knows about it, and how much money I’m making now, and if he gets a raise, he does the same. We do our taxes together, so it’s not like the extra money can be _hidden_, unless he’s (or I’m) hiding it from the IRS also, which we’re not talented enough to do. As far as what the raise _goes towards_ … Mine usually goes straight into our “invisible savings account,” and his usually go towards auto-paying another one of our regular monthly debts or payments. That’s seemed to work well so far. I don’t get holiday bonus pay, but he sometimes does, and sometimes gets a bonus for a spate of really frenzied work. Those MOST OFTEN go into the kitty for something fun that we’re saving up for - like a planned future vacation or a rowing machine, to use past examples. If there are pressing debts or payments that have to be made, then we kiss it sadly goodbye and pay off what needs to be taken care of. I don’t think I would MIND if he spent his bonus on something that more directly benefited only him, but I doubt he would think to do so, as most of the things he enjoys are things that I enjoy also. He’d have to really work at it to buy/do something with it that was just for him. I have to say, the idea of a “salary” or a “stipend” as a _set percentage_ taken from the breadwinner’s paycheck seems a little archaic (and kindof insulting) to me. If husband and I went to a single-income family, then I would expect that household stuff and our individual personal stuff would get taken care of as we had the money to do it (just like we do now, without equations or percentages to monitor) regardless of who is actually earning the money at work. HOWEVER, if the OP’s SO has money hangups, then maybe that’s the way that needs to work to keep a rein on spending. Who knows. All I can say is that given my personal married experience, if my husband tried to assign me a percentage stipend of his income, he’d get a frying pan to the head pronto. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/53 "2011-03-25T21:00:25Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Therefore, if you got a raise, you would share 20%? Ty. No, the way it works is: If I get a raise, 80% goes into our joint account. 10% goes into my account, 10% goes into her account. We each essentially get 50%, considering that each of us owns half of the joint account, so to speak. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452/54 "2011-03-26T05:07:25Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Thank you. I’m a bit amazed that Superhal has been married for 12 years. Hmm. I suppose you are also amazed by many things. Did you also know that the sun rises in the east 99.99% of the time? > [@Enderw24](#): > > Suddenly things start to make a whole lot more sense. Wow, really? > [@Lasciel](#): > > My husband and I keep separate accounts, so the technical (and short) answer is 0%. > > However, if I get a raise, I make sure he knows about it, and how much money I’m making now, and if he gets a raise, he does the same. We do our taxes together, so it’s not like the extra money can be _hidden_, unless he’s (or I’m) hiding it from the IRS also, which we’re not talented enough to do. > > As far as what the raise _goes towards_ … Mine usually goes straight into our “invisible savings account,” and his usually go towards auto-paying another one of our regular monthly debts or payments. > > That’s seemed to work well so far. > > I don’t get holiday bonus pay, but he sometimes does, and sometimes gets a bonus for a spate of really frenzied work. Those MOST OFTEN go into the kitty for something fun that we’re saving up for - like a planned future vacation or a rowing machine, to use past examples. If there are pressing debts or payments that have to be made, then we kiss it sadly goodbye and pay off what needs to be taken care of. > > I don’t think I would MIND if he spent his bonus on something that more directly benefited only him, but I doubt he would think to do so, as most of the things he enjoys are things that I enjoy also. He’d have to really work at it to buy/do something with it that was just for him. > I have to say, the idea of a “salary” or a “stipend” as a _set percentage_ taken from the breadwinner’s paycheck seems a little archaic (and kindof insulting) to me. If husband and I went to a single-income family, then I would expect that household stuff and our individual personal stuff would get taken care of as we had the money to do it (just like we do now, without equations or percentages to monitor) regardless of who is actually earning the money at work. > > HOWEVER, if the OP’s SO has money hangups, then maybe that’s the way that needs to work to keep a rein on spending. Who knows. All I can say is that given my personal married experience, if my husband tried to assign me a percentage stipend of his income, he’d get a frying pan to the head pronto. 🆒 Thanks for the honest response. 😃 > [@suranyi](#): > > No, the way it works is: If I get a raise, 80% goes into our joint account. 10% goes into my account, 10% goes into her account. We each essentially get 50%, considering that each of us owns half of the joint account, so to speak. Hmm. No. Maybe there’s a misunderstanding? I meant how much would you spend and/or give to your spouse. In this case: If X% is equally shared, it’s 50% regardless of the amount shared. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-much-of-a-raise-would-you-give-share-with-your-so/575452.md?page=2)