# How Porn Movies Have Ruined My Life **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 14, 2000, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155 "2000-11-14T14:59:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/1 "2000-11-14T14:59:56Z")
It’s true. Porn has ruined my enjoyment of life and scarred my psyche. Here’s how: Not once have I gotten a hummer as part of a job interview. Never has a female pizza delivery person brought some pizza and agreed to accept sex as a tip. Neither do the ones who work for UPS or FedEx. None of my female neighbors have popped by to model their new lingerie for me or trade sex for a cup of sugar. Not one of my girlfriends has brought one of her girlfriends home to “try something new.” Never. This one really irritates me. None of my female co-workers are up for a quickie in the storage room. In fact, they seemed shocked at the suggestion. Some of those positions really aren’t that comfortable. Some of them downright hurt. For years I had an inferiority complex until I learned those guys in the movies - that’s not your average size. And most importantly – Women do _ **not** _ get turned on when you just whip it out for them. Stupid porn movies. Totally unrealistic. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/2 "2000-11-14T15:03:58Z")
Crunchy - did it ever occur to you that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’re playing the wrong background music when the pizza delivery girl shows up? These things don’t just happen, ya know - ya gotta set the mood!! Sheesh! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/3 "2000-11-14T15:08:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > \*\*Crunchy - did it ever occur to you that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’re playing the wrong background music when the pizza delivery girl shows up? \*\* Is there something wrong with [Ray Stevens](http://www.raystevens.com/)? Gitarzan, The Streak, Ahab the Arab, Gidget the Midget – these are all _classics_! ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/4 "2000-11-14T15:11:33Z")
As a result of the afforementioned pizza delivery experiment, I always have something with a sleazy saxophone playing over a funky bass guitar, and at least one guitar track involving gratuitous use of a wah-wah pedal on the stereo everytime I order a pizza. Still, it dosent work. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/5 "2000-11-14T15:13:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > \*\*Crunchy - did it ever occur to you that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’re playing the wrong background music when the pizza delivery girl shows up? These things don’t just happen, ya know - ya gotta set the mood!! > > Sheesh! \*\* Hey FairyChatMom, how’s it going _Bom chicka bom bom_ looks like you need a “hard drive” _doon chickity bom ba_ ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/6 "2000-11-14T15:15:00Z")
It’s also rather embarrassing when you have the proper mood music and lighting, dressed in a silk kimono and boxers, only to open the door and find a guy there. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/7 "2000-11-14T15:18:26Z")
Obviously, you haven’t perfected porn star dialog, a guaranteed turn-on for all women. Next time you order a pizza try something like this. Hi pizza delivery ? Iwouldliketoorder a large sausage – (long pause) heheh – pizza. (don’t wait long enough for them to actually say anything before hanging up.) And, as noted, don’t forget the cheesy music. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/8 "2000-11-14T15:18:52Z")
Why? Go for it - act amorous and Mrs-Robinsonish. Either you’ll get a new experience, or he’ll leave you the pizza and run without getting paid. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/9 "2000-11-14T15:21:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by xizor \* > \*\*Hey FairyChatMom, how’s it going > _Bom chicka bom bom_ > looks like you need a “hard drive” > _doon chickity bom ba_ \*\* I do declare, you know how to turn a girl’s head!!! \ ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/10 "2000-11-14T15:22:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > \*\*Either you’ll get a new experience, or he’ll leave you the pizza and run without getting paid. \*\* Sex or free pizza? Talk about a win-win situation! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/11 "2000-11-14T15:28:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by xizor \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > > \*\*Either you’ll get a new experience, or he’ll leave you the pizza and run without getting paid. \*\* > > Sex or free pizza? Talk about a win-win situation! \*\* It may be win-win for you, **xizor** , but I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. . . ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/12 "2000-11-14T15:32:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\*It may be win-win for you, **xizor** , but I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. . . > \*\* I’m not gay either, but I’ll risk it for free pizza 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/13 "2000-11-14T15:35:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > \*\*I do declare, you know how to turn a girl’s head!!! > > \ \*\* You turn more than heads with the way you look baby! But speaking of head… _Bom chicka na na na, chickity do wah bowh_ ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/14 "2000-11-14T15:41:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by xizor \* > \*\*I’m not gay either, but I’ll risk it for free pizza 🙂 \*\* I don’t know why, but this just struck me as one of the funniest lines I’ve read in a while. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/15 "2000-11-14T16:04:29Z")
I may have posted this once before, but the only porn I’ve ever seen is Deep Throat, and my most vivid memory is the theme song: “…Don’t get your goat Don’t rock the boat That’s all she wrote Deep Throat…” Hubby figured out REAL fast that I didn’t find porn conducive to seduction!! [hijack] One childless evening, I lit the candles in the bedroom and hubby put a stack of classical CDs in the player. We were enjoying ourselves. In case you’ve ever wondered, the 1812 Overture is a real mood-breaker!! [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![ReservoirDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8edcca/32.png) [@ReservoirDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReservoirDog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/16 "2000-11-14T16:18:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > \*\*In case you’ve ever wondered, the 1812 Overture is a real mood-breaker!! \*\* Oh, I don’t know. If you can time things just right with that bit with the cannons going off… ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/17 "2000-11-14T16:36:37Z")
Crunchy, check your e-mail… I sent you some music to play the next time you order a pizza! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/18 "2000-11-14T16:39:14Z")
Thanks **Twisty**. Now why do you think it is though that everyone latched on to that one statment about the pizza delivery girl? Is it possible I have tapped into some universal, but unspoken fantasy here? ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/19 "2000-11-14T16:44:00Z")
Come to think of it, I’ve never even had a female deliver me pizza, let alone have sex with me while doing it. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2000, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155/20 "2000-11-14T16:44:29Z")
Sex is like pizza. even bad pizza is still pizza. no, I think its because most of the porn plots involve pizza delivery guys/gals more so than UPN or FedEx. That being said, My dream profession would involve me saying “I’m here to clean the pool” quite a lot. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-porn-movies-have-ruined-my-life/41155.md?page=2)