# How should a waitress best deal with customers who mistake friendliness for flirtation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 21, 2020, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305 "2020-02-21T15:47:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2020, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/41 "2020-02-25T19:39:34Z")
> [@tricoteuse](#): > > And yes some of the waitresses flirt a bit especially with older male customers but it’s affectionate rather than romantic if that makes sense. When I started teaching, I was told that the girls will flirt with you, not because they are interested, but because it’s safe: they can flirt knowing you won’t respond. Sometimes they like the way it makes them feel (adult, generous): more often, they’re just practicing. Now that I’ve got personal experience, I don’t think that is entirely true: sometimes your students flirt with you because they do want you to respond (I was also told what would happen to me if I responded to those cases). But I still think there is truth in the original instruction: sometimes people flirt with you only because they think it’s safe to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2020, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/42 "2020-02-25T20:51:11Z")
> [@tricoteuse](#): > > It sounds like Ron needs a pitcher of ice water “accidentally” dumped into his lap. Or a fresh pot of hot coffee. Or a bucket of pissed off rattlesnakes. I’ve never been a waitress but I’ve worked enough customer service jobs to know that there are lots of jerks like him out therewho think they can get away with harassing or hitting on a woman at work because she is required to be nice to customers. > > Unfortunately most managers don’t really care if the underlings are miserable as long as the customer is happy. About all you can do is ask another server to take your place and hope the guy doesn’t make a scene when he doesn’t get “his” waitress. > > I get the impression that Skald is talking about a local place that he has been going to for a long time. If you spend much time in places like that you see that regular customers are treated more warmly than average joes. They have their favorite waitresses and they talk and joke, and usually the waitress knows what they’re going to order right off the bat. And yes some of the waitresses flirt a bit especially with older male customers but it’s affectionate rather than romantic if that makes sense. I would call the kind of flirting you are referring to “playful” more than anything else. playful, in the sense that it is not actually meant to entice the other person into a date/kiss/whatever, but is basically a game of wordplaY. Not that that is what happens between me and Becca. I have been flirted with by waitresses; for example, my current girlfriend is a waitress in her day job, And she used to flirt seriously with me quite a bit before we started going out. (I did not ask her out at work, though.) Becca is simply a very competent and friendly person. Because of her competence, she anticipates the special needs I will have that a sighted customer will not; as a result, she gets a bigger tip than her coworkers do when they wait on me. Because she is friendly, she offered me the aforementioned rides in her car when we chance to encounter one another outside the café. those were not for tips; it was just being a good person. When I could drive, I would offer acquaintances rides if they seemed to need them. Probably the closest Becca has ever come to even playful flirting with me was this morning when I requested something other than my usual. She affected a gasp and said “Oh my God! Did you have surgery to remove the stick from your ass?” ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2020, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/43 "2020-02-25T21:25:50Z")
My understanding is that some waitresses flirt to get bigger tips. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2020, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/44 "2020-02-26T21:32:24Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > (Or waiters, I suppose, though I won’t pretend to think that men & boys are as likely to encounter this difficulty as women & girls.) I’ve never heard that it was a difficulty, but I can certainly affirm that some friendly good looking young male waiters do get girls making uninvited passes at them, even when they aren’t overtly flirting. It seems like the experience of having an attentive young man doing what you ask just triggers that kind of response in some women. ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2020, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/45 "2020-02-26T22:07:46Z")
OP, you seem like a great guy, and I would be surprised if Becca doesn’t genuinely like you as more than just a customer, even if she’s not interested in you sexually. I used to wait tables and tend bar, and I had a lot of regulars for whom I cared deeply. I cried when I found out one of them had died, and I still think about her. I still think about all of them, actually, all these years later. Anyway, in answer to your question, yes, there are casual ways of brushing off overly flirty customers, but it sounds like Ron took the creep factor to a level where the manager should be involved. She shouldn’t have to wait on him if he comes in again, and he should be asked to leave if he approaches her anyway. I used to get a lot of flirtation from middle-aged and older men as a teenager working at Ruby’s (you know, the burger joint where the waitresses dress like vintage candy stripers?) But for the most part, they were playful about it, rather than creepy. I knew some of them came in mainly to talk to pretty girls, but as long as they didn’t try to touch me, or monopolize my time, or ask me out, I didn’t mind. There were some creepers, though, and I’m glad management always had our backs. That’s not always the case in restaurants. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/46 "2020-02-27T00:06:07Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > My understanding is that some waitresses flirt to get bigger tips. That seems like victim-blaming to me. if Becca, the person in the anecdote starting this thread, we’re going to flirt with a customer to get better tips, isn’t it more likely that it would be the regular who verifiably does not feel flirted with? and that the person who attributed her kindness to being sexually forthcoming is more likely at fault in making her feel harassed? > [@Esprise\_Me](#): > > I would be surprised if Becca doesn’t genuinely like you as more than just a customer, even if she’s not interested in you sexually. After this past weekend I am pretty sure that’s true. She volunteered to give me a ride Sunday for a fairly important errand because she overheard a conversation about it. but that doesn’t mean I anticipate us moving to a romantic relationship or that either of us wants it. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/47 "2020-02-27T00:16:47Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > That seems like victim-blaming to me. if Becca, the person in the anecdote starting this thread, we’re going to flirt with a customer to get better tips, isn’t it more likely that it would be the regular who verifiably does not feel flirted with? and that the person who attributed her kindness to being sexually forthcoming is more likely at fault in making her feel harassed? Perhaps a better way to say what **PastTense** was saying would be, it’s been shown that certain behaviors -smiling, remembering names, light physical contact, not setting the customer on fire- have a tendency to encourage customers to leave larger tips. A waitress might do these behaviors deliberately with the intent of getting larger tips. Some of these behaviors are the same as behaviors used while flirting, so one could interpret the situation as engaging in flirting behavior to get larger tips. (And when somebody _does_ interpret things this way, things usually go poorly.) ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/48 "2020-02-27T00:23:03Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > “No secret, it’s the meat. Don’t skimp on the meat. I’ve got a real good eye for prime meat.” Raoul, is that you? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/49 "2020-02-27T00:39:09Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > Perhaps a better way to say what **PastTense** was saying would be, it’s been shown that certain behaviors -smiling, remembering names, light physical contact, not setting the customer on fire- have a tendency to encourage customers to leave larger tips. A waitress might do these behaviors deliberately with the intent of getting larger tips. Some of these behaviors are the same as behaviors used while flirting, so one could interpret the situation as engaging in flirting behavior to get larger tips. (And when somebody _does_ interpret things this way, things usually go poorly.) If we grant all that, I still think that the onus has to be on the (usually male) customer to recognize the difference. Particularly since, according to a number of people propounding this hypothesis in the thread, the quasi-flirtatious behavior is being directed at middle-aged men. if you are past 40 — hell, 30 — you should have acquired enough life experience to distinguish between niceness and come –hitherness. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/50 "2020-02-27T00:43:25Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > If we grant all that, I still think that the onus has to be on the (usually male) customer to recognize the difference. Particularly since, according to a number of people propounding this hypothesis in the thread, the quasi-flirtatious behavior is being directed at middle-aged men. if you are past 40 — hell, 30 — you should have acquired enough life experience to distinguish between niceness and come –hitherness. I personally have acquired enough life experience to _forget_ trying to recognize the difference - it doesn’t matter if they sit next to me and snuggle close, I’m not going to assume anything about romance until they smack me with a physical mallet with “I love you, idiot” written on it. And they’d have to hit me twice for me to be sure. Because there is no way in hell I’m going to make perilous/absurd assumptions and make presumptions based on them. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/51 "2020-02-27T00:55:13Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > If we grant all that, I still think that the onus has to be on the (usually male) customer to recognize the difference. Particularly since, according to a number of people propounding this hypothesis in the thread, the quasi-flirtatious behavior is being directed at middle-aged men. if you are past 40 — hell, 30 — you should have acquired enough life experience to distinguish between niceness and come –hitherness. No matter how worldly-wise, refined, or experienced you are[sup]\*[/sup], > [@](#): > > Hope Springs Eternal. And, as a world-renowned psychologist[sup]\*\*[/sup] once said, > [@](#): > > A little harmless flirtation is what reinforces our sexual identity. - Alexander Pope, ca. 1732 \*\* Dr. Joyce Brothers, ca. _Taxi._ ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305/52 "2020-02-27T01:02:20Z")
Never mind, dupe post due to server timeouts. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-a-waitress-best-deal-with-customers-who-mistake-friendliness-for-flirtation/848305.md?page=2)