# How should I make my apartment seem pretentious? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 19, 2009, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495 "2009-07-19T01:08:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2009, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/101 "2009-07-22T19:47:58Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > For the sake of economicality, though, you should not actually purchase expensive wines. Root around behind exclusive restaurants and steal the empty bottles of THEIR expensive wines and then fill them with cheap shit from the nearest store, stuff that comes in boxes or tetra packs. Even cheaper is to take half-consumed bottles of wine from parties and mix them all together if need be. Most of your guests will never know the difference and will just assume you know what you’re talking about. When the wine tastes like turpentine and french fries they’ll just assume the problem is on their end. > > For maximum pretentiousness, however, there’s nothing better than \*\*pulling out a wine from your own private label. \*\* And while actually having your own vineyard is expensive, Photoshop and a good printer are cheap. Make your own labels and claim the wine is from your family’s estate in either France or Italy, depending on the swarthiness of your complexion (if you’re African or Asian or something like that, claim it’s a Sonoma winery.) Make sure you come up with an elaborate backstory about your family’s winery, with a lot of name-dropping. Always include Ernest Hemingway in the backstory. The label should look like something that was originally typeset in 1842 and hasn’t changed since. If anyone says they’re never heard of it explain that the vineyard produces wine solely for your extended family’s use. Again, it is sufficient to put $12/gallon wine into the bottles you’ve glued your phony labels onto. > > The right food is also necessary. Never serve your guests food that people actually enjoy, like roast beef, chicken, hamburgers, turkey, or tasty snacks like potato chips or veggies and dip. Oooo…you’re good! ---
**Author:** ![Chum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3ab097/32.png) [@Chum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chum)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/102 "2009-07-22T20:51:54Z")
This is the best thread I’ve seen in a long time. > [@Cazzle](#): > > Bring back the cravat. Amass large collection. Display prominently. > > Props to Australian Masterchef’s Matt Preston for inspiration. > “I’ve learned that people think wearing a cravat is pretentious, but I say “Au contraire”.” – Matt Preston. Thank you for this fantastic quote, and for actually making me laugh out loud. The idea of a cravat is hilarious all by itself. I think I might start wearing them. If a female wears a cravat in an attempt to be self-awarely, ironcially pretentious, is that meta or _actually_ pretentious? I recommend that if asked what you do for a living, you say something like, “Oh, a bit of this and that.” When pressed further, talk about your film that’s currently in post-production, being rotoscoped. When asked to summarize the plot, say that it’s really difficult to describe in words because it draws on your deep understanding of metaphysics. So difficult to describe in words, in fact, that your initial medium of choice - _le livre_ - proved itself too limited in dimension to properly express themes so recondite. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2009, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/103 "2009-07-22T23:47:25Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Even if you’re the Pope? 🙂 I’m sure the Pope has better things to do with his time than read the adventures of Asterix & Obelix in Latin, but even if it wasn’t automatically Pretentious, it’d certainly be Showing Off. 😉 > [@Telperion](#): > > I’d agree, hanging weapons on the wall is more on the tacky side. To be really pretentious you need to get an “antique” armour display and point out to visitors that it belonged to your ancestor Humberto who was beheaded in 1548 for his role in the rebellion against the grand duke of Floggenheim. Provided none of your friends are given to such bourgeois intellectual pursuits such as “Reading Popular Fiction” or “Modern(ish) History” then you can also have some fun by casually mentioning that the sword hanging over the fireplace belonged (or so you are reliably informed, from a seller of the highest integrity and trustworthiness) to none other than Sir Harry Flashman VC, or that your great-great grandfather brought the Ivory for your Victorian chess set (you _have_ got an antique chess set prominently set up in mid-game somewhere in your living room, right?) from none other than Alan Quatermain himself. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/104 "2009-07-24T03:01:54Z")
I thought of a couple of other things. DO NOT play golf. It is much too plebian and trashy these days. Choose your sports carefully. A good everyday sport is crochet (see the movie Heathers). The ultimate sport for your purposes is falconry. You probably won’t ever meet anyone else that does it. Have someone take the photos and display them prominently in your apartment. ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/105 "2009-07-24T04:16:23Z")
> [@Tortuga](#): > > You need one of these [Keep Calm and Carry On](http://www.keepcalmandcarryon.com/products/keep-calm-and-carry-on-poster) signs. Oh, how I LOATHE “Keep Calm and Carry On”. I harbour a fervent desire to print one with some sort of cherry bomb or anarchy sign in place of the crown, and the text edited to “Kick Ass and Carry On.” Which, I think, would be even more pretentious. But less ghastly and twee. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/106 "2009-07-24T11:30:55Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I thought of a couple of other things. DO NOT play golf. It is much too plebian and trashy these days. Choose your sports carefully. A good everyday sport is crochet (see the movie Heathers). Err…croquet? For me, there are different ways to be pretentious: 1. I know people you don’t, 2. I have things you don’t, 3. I know things you don’t, 4. I have visited places you haven’t, and so on. Cover all those bases. When you serve food, be sure to use a full table setting. Serve escargot just so they’ll be confused about which fork to use, for instance…avoid starting in on yours because they may copy your fork selection. Their ignorance will reveal itself. Ditto on the wine glass, water glass, etc. Naturally you regale them with the story of how you bought those escargot forks and tongs the first…no, it was the third…time you visited Paris. At a little antique shop because they didn’t have anything you liked in the hoidy toidy places. I think if you can make them afraid to ask questions, you win. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/107 "2009-07-24T12:00:31Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Damn, there’s a lot of good suggestions. I was just going to suggest shopping at IKEA, personally. 😃 The people we bought our house from were so pretentious they pronouced it “AH-KAYA”. While they were giving us the walk through my with asked if they would leave the kitchen island butcher block. The woman snootily replied “Yes, well… you see…we bought that special order at the AH-KAYA and we …blah …blah …blah”. I almost spit the water I was drinking right there in her face! The best part was when she mentioned being from B.C. so I mentioned I had a sister in Vancouver. Whoa! She gets extremely indignant says “Well…we are from VICTORIA” like I’ve just insulted the queen. We liked the house but it was way overpriced so we gave a conditional verbal offer about 40 thousand less than asking. It took three months but they eventually called us. We got the house but they took the island with them. Pricks! As for being pretentious, I’d go with bare white walls with track lighting accenting nothing and the mandatory hardwood floors. In the middle of the room have one black rectangular obelisk with a Bakelite bowl on it. That’s it! When you have people over insist they bring their own dishes, glasses, etc. and have them take them home after. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/108 "2009-07-24T13:14:57Z")
In [Absolutely Fabulous](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXumyShhj60&feature=related), Eddie expects a visit from terminally pretentious friends. She flashes back to a memory of their chilly, minimalist flat as she contemplates the flaws of her own place. (Which most of us would consider fairly pretentious.) (I love YoutTube!) ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/109 "2009-07-24T13:57:27Z")
> [@Sparky812](#): > > The people we bought our house from were so pretentious they pronouced it “AH-KAYA”. :eek: Wait a minute! Is Ikea considered _upscale_ where you are? Here, it’s the standard Modernist store of refuge for students and families with not a lot of budget. It’s a ritual for the new student, just moved out of the parents’ house, to go to Ikea and buy bookshelves. 🙂 People in Toronto who want to be pretentious try for the Old English Lord look: Victorian or Tudor. If they want to be Modernist and pretentious, they shop at designer boutiques in Yorkville (or that Art Shoppe place if they don’t have the budget). ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/110 "2009-07-24T16:05:52Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > :eek: Wait a minute! Is Ikea considered _upscale_ where you are? Here, it’s the standard Modernist store of refuge for students and families with not a lot of budget. It’s a ritual for the new student, just moved out of the parents’ house, to go to Ikea and buy bookshelves. 🙂 > > People in Toronto who want to be pretentious try for the Old English Lord look: Victorian or Tudor. If they want to be Modernist and pretentious, they shop at designer boutiques in Yorkville (or that Art Shoppe place if they don’t have the budget). That’s why it was so funny! For a split second I thought it was some boutique shop, then I realized she meant IKEA! In Ottawa, the pretentious ones flock to the “antique” and independant boutiques in the Glebe and Old(e) Ottawa South. Most are DINKs, quasi-eco-yuppies, and helicopter parents. But mostly pricks and NIMBY whiners. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/111 "2009-07-24T17:46:48Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Ah, but if you just say this, you miss a chance at extra pretentiousness. Say the vineyard produces wine solely for your family’s use _except_ for \ who just _must_ have his case every year, and you’re willing to humor him/her. > > (I can’t think of a really good famous person for this, though. Anyone?) Booby Phlegm … I mean Bobby Flay … he is enough of a jackass that I would make him the butt of this type of joke=) ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/112 "2009-07-24T17:53:13Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Is midevil more pretentious than totally evil? I’m definitely sure it’s more pretentious than Resident Evil. > > Which brings me to, either you have a good place to stash away your gaming stuff out of sight or you turn half the living room into The Games Room: a minimum of two consoles, 6’-tall speakers, etc. If you have the money to throw at them, there’s some [computer](http://www.alienware.com/) [brands](http://www.voodoopc.com/) out there which charge extra for pretentiousness. Actually I have the HP firebird … and a 26" flatscreen monitor i didn’t realize they were pretentious … I just like playing all 3 of my EVE online accounts at the same time 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/113 "2009-07-24T17:53:36Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Err…croquet? No, no. Full-contact crochet. Great sport for needling your opponents, then tying them up when they become emotional and lose it. The world championship is quite the spectacle. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/114 "2009-07-24T17:55:56Z")
> [@The\_Scrivener](#): > > Fun 'n games with [old, castoff] architectural blueprints: > > – Casually tack up on a study wall, because you just happen to admire them or were studying that style or architect, or find a detail interesting, or were contemplating commissioning the construction of a home or vacation home in a similar vein, or were considering hiring the same architect who drew this one… > > – If you secure a large quantity of blueprint sheets, use them in combination with the “cover all your books with uniform white or brown paper” idea for your architectural/history/etc. library. hmmm, I think we have about 3 seabags of charts that mrAru’s sub was going to throw away, I had been thinking of papering the bathroom walls with them. Not sure but I think they are the atlantic coast of the US from Groton to Kings Bay I am sure that naval charts could be used in some pretentious manner =) ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/115 "2009-07-24T18:22:03Z")
After my mom passes I will have the perfect pretentious goodies for a small home office. I even know the room in the house I want to buy where I will set up my pretentiosness 😃 I am going to be inheriting a bunch of great furniture … [bow armed morris chair](http://www.stickley.com/OurProducts_Details.cfm?id=1425&Collection=Mission&cat1=88&view=all&view=complex&finish=) that belonged to my paternal grandfather, original leather is still pristine and was originally bought in 1922 [original 1903 desk chair](http://www.stickley.com/OurProducts_Details.cfm?id=1386&Collection=Mission&cat1=91&view=all&view=complex&finish=)from my great grandfather and a stickly roll top desk that was a match to the office chair, both from G’grandfathers personal office. I also have an original tiffany lamp and a barristers bookcase, all original to my greatgrandfathers home office. The only thing that I dont have from his office is the persian carpet … it got zorched in the fire that partially fried my parents house. I even have this hideous painting in the 1950s modern style , thickly laid on grey tones of paint looking like archaic city walls, and a red cord dangling. I have the wierd feeling it is a Peter Hayward for some reason. I also have some of those similar styled street scenes of Greenwich Village also from the mid 50s I picked up at a garage sale. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2009, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495/116 "2009-07-24T18:56:33Z")
Red vinyl couch, with a dalmatian laying on it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-make-my-apartment-seem-pretentious/503495.md?page=5)