# How should I meet introverted women? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 16, 2009, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357 "2009-09-16T20:39:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/21 "2009-09-17T16:19:15Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Yet, after I’ve spent the duration of a party mingling and telling hysterically funny jokes and making boatloads of new friends, I am mentally whipped. I have to go home, cut off the phone, and refuse to speak to other humans for a couple of days. I need “me” time to recover from all that friendliness. Absolutely. My roommate and I are an interesting contrast. She’s an extrovert. She likes being around people, she likes having a lot of friends, she’s always wanting to talk or play. But she’s an aspie (formally diagnosed), and so she has to be ‘on’ when being social, which can get tiresome. I, on the other hand, am a natural introvert. I don’t suffer from Asperger’s, I get along decently with most people, and I can be very friendly and charming when I need to be (my favorite job was working the ticket booth at the university’s fine arts theater and meeting and greeting everyone coming in for the show). But in order to do that, I have to be ‘on’ just as much as my roommate does, and it’s exhausting. Hell, I get tired after talking on the phone or Skype for a while. Social interaction just tires me. Frankly, the internet is a godsend, as I can control exactly how much interaction I have at a given time. Going back to the OP, I’ll third or fourth the suggestion for OKCupid. The internet is the most likely place you’re going to find introverts actually reaching out to other people, precisely because it’s easier to control interaction. ---
**Author:** ![Picard\_Kills\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/dec6dc/32.png) [@Picard\_Kills\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Picard_Kills_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/22 "2009-09-17T16:35:09Z")
> [@AudreyK](#): > > With no snark intended whatsoever, I don’t think you really get the introvert thing. My apologies. It appears that I don’t. It was my understanding that introverted people were more on the shy side, and enjoyed social gatherings with fewer people than being in large crowds, as was suggested in the OP. And for the record, the bathroom suggestion was not meant to be taken seriously.:smack: ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2009, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/23 "2009-09-17T19:59:25Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Can I clarify something? > > Introvert ≠ shy or antisocial. Extrovert ≠ Life of the party. > > The words _introvert_ and _extrovert_ generally refer to the method from which people derive their energy. Extroverts are energized by being around a lot of people. Introverts are exhausted by being around a lot of people. Introverts require alone time in order to recharge. Extroverts require social situations, with lots of people, in order to recharge and generally get really edgy with too much solo time. I feel a need to also add that it isn’t an and/or thing. It’s more of a continuum and where you fall can change a bit over time. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/24 "2009-09-18T02:43:08Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Can I clarify something? > > Introvert ≠ shy or antisocial. Extrovert ≠ Life of the party. > > The words _introvert_ and _extrovert_ generally refer to the method from which people derive their energy. Extroverts are energized by being around a lot of people. Introverts are exhausted by being around a lot of people. Introverts require alone time in order to recharge. Extroverts require social situations, with lots of people, in order to recharge and generally get really edgy with too much solo time. > > It is perfectly possible to be friendly and outgoing _and_ introverted. Because I am that person – and I bet a lot of you are, too. I am not shy. I am not reticent. I am not afraid to voice my opinion. I am not reserved. I am most certainly not clingy and needy, thankyouverymuch. > > Yet, after I’ve spent the duration of a party mingling and telling hysterically funny jokes and making boatloads of new friends, I am mentally whipped. I have to go home, cut off the phone, and refuse to speak to other humans for a couple of days. I need “me” time to recover from all that friendliness. I will turn down about every 4th or 5th social invitation if I have been extra social in the past few days and am simply not feeling up for another gathering with a lot of people. > > In regard to the OP, you mentioned the Poetry Club. So you’ve answered your own question. Go join it. Go hang at the library on a Friday or Saturday night when everyone else is partying. Or go to the party and then wander the perimeter. Talk to everyone who is skulking about in the dark corners (that’s always where I find my friends). This. A thousand billion times this. I am an introvert. I haven’t had a real chance to recharge in days. A friend of mine whom I care a lot about and been wanting to talk to for awhile is online now on msn and I can’t be assed to stop appearing offline and chat with her. I miss her but without some down time the thought of chatting her up right now makes me feel very run down. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/25 "2009-09-18T03:38:11Z")
_Because they aren’t pets. If they don’t love you, you should let it go._ Very cute, but that’s not what I meant by “keeping them.” The quote in question stated: _Introverted women are clingy and possessive. Once they have a man, they want to stop looking._ I interpreted that as meaning that once an introverted woman has found someone she loves and wants to be with, she stops looking. To me, that is normal. That is how this stuff has worked forever; of course, the man has to think the same way about the woman. I didn’t read the quote as saying that the man did not return the love. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/26 "2009-09-18T13:16:47Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Can I clarify something? > > Introvert ≠ shy or antisocial. Extrovert ≠ Life of the party. > > The words _introvert_ and _extrovert_ generally refer to the method from which people derive their energy. Extroverts are energized by being around a lot of people. Introverts are exhausted by being around a lot of people. Introverts require alone time in order to recharge. Extroverts require social situations, with lots of people, in order to recharge and generally get really edgy with too much solo time. > > It is perfectly possible to be friendly and outgoing _and_ introverted. Because I am that person – and I bet a lot of you are, too. I am not shy. I am not reticent. I am not afraid to voice my opinion. I am not reserved. I am most certainly not clingy and needy, thankyouverymuch. > > Yet, after I’ve spent the duration of a party mingling and telling hysterically funny jokes and making boatloads of new friends, I am mentally whipped. I have to go home, cut off the phone, and refuse to speak to other humans for a couple of days. I need “me” time to recover from all that friendliness. I will turn down about every 4th or 5th social invitation if I have been extra social in the past few days and am simply not feeling up for another gathering with a lot of people. Thank you for saying all this better than I could. I wanted to shorten it, but it’s just too good. I would, however, like to add that not all “frat parties” (we call them fraternities here) are drunken brawls. I am in a sorority and went to many dozens of fraternity parties when I was in college, and only a few of them could have been considered what you are thinking of. The rest were regular parties, where you dance and flirt and talk about movies and food and sports and books. Many people didn’t drink at all, and today even less so. The OP might like to consider joining a fraternity. You don’t have to be a party boy. ---
**Author:** ![Transistor\_Rhythm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@Transistor\_Rhythm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Transistor_Rhythm)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/27 "2009-09-18T14:29:16Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > I would, however, like to add that not all “frat parties” (we call them fraternities here) are drunken brawls. I am in a sorority and went to many dozens of fraternity parties when I was in college, and only a few of them could have been considered what you are thinking of. The rest were regular parties, where you dance and flirt and talk about movies and food and sports and books. Many people didn’t drink at all, and today even less so. The OP might like to consider joining a fraternity. You don’t have to be a party boy. Anyone I’ve known who’s ever insisted on this was the type of person that would have a name like “Sigma Girl.” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/28 "2009-09-18T14:59:24Z")
On what did I insist? ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/29 "2009-09-18T17:15:53Z")
> [@GilaB](#): > > I am also an introvert, with similar preferences to yours. And yet I’m happily married to an extrovert. (I gave him the excellent essay [Caring for Your Introvert](http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch) to help him understand me.) We make it work, mostly by both of us agreeing that it’s fine if he goes to parties and such without me, or if I go home much earlier than him when I’ve had enough. This sounds blatantly obvious, but people seem to expect that couples will always socialize together, and are surprised to see one of us without the other. My husband also had to overcome his initial sense that I was being a drag by not accompanying him, but he’s gotten over that. Don’t discard extroverts out of hand. I strongly agree. I’m quite introverted (but NOT shy!), and dated someone who was similarly introverted for a brief time. It was awful. We hardly ever talked to one another. Every other woman I’ve dated was at least somewhat extraverted, and the connection was far better. I second Gila’s comments. ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/30 "2009-09-18T17:18:52Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > The OP might like to consider joining a fraternity. You don’t have to be a party boy. But why would an introvert want to do this, particularly if his goal is to meet an introverted woman? There are going to be fewer introverts in the fraternity/sorority world than in almost any other situation. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/31 "2009-09-18T18:03:48Z")
To meet women like me? 'Cept I’m taken, of course. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/32 "2009-09-18T20:50:20Z")
I am an introvert, but I have no problem with crowds, parties, or group conversations. I have partaken in them many times - but I much prefer being alone, or perhaps with one person. Social interaction isn’t scary or difficult for me - I work with the public, and I know how to turn on the charm. It’s just tiring, and not my favorite way to spend my time. I think the OP is confusing introversion with social anxiety a bit. Introversion isn’t shyness, although plenty of introverts are shy - but so are many extroverts! Anyway, the internet is a good place to meet introverts/homebodies/party-haters - usually you can put it right out there that you are looking to meet someone with these characteristics. Aside from that, joining a real life group/club for an interest you would like to share with an SO is a good idea. There is really no reason to look specifically for an ‘introvert’ in my opinion. You don’t have to share everything with an SO… let them go out and be social if they like it, you can still enjoy time alone together as long as you have good chemistry and at least a couple things in common (not interests necessarily, but there has to be some consensus on life philosophies). My boyfriend is not a true introvert, he would rather be with at least one person than by himself, but he is a homebody mostly (no, we don’t talk a lot, I like it that way). We spend a lot of time by ourselves at home, but he also goes out with friends that I don’t share, it’s not problem. ---
**Author:** ![Tucknrollgrampa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f475e1/32.png) [@Tucknrollgrampa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tucknrollgrampa)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/33 "2009-12-02T03:48:54Z")
> [@Estilicon](#): > > With all do respect, you are not introverted you are an snob 🙂 No, what he described is introversion characteristics. Introverts love deep meaningful conversations. They love to chew on thoughts for a bit and let them simmer. One-on-one (or small group) tend to be a more proper setting. Big events of people is over stimulating to a introvert. Yes, some do and may like it but are drained of energy after a bit. Introverts are wired to be stimulated differently than extroverts. They get their pleasure internally and anything externally can overload them if too much. All I’m saying is if you enjoy huge events over small get-togethers, you’re not an introvert… ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/34 "2009-12-02T04:17:26Z")
I am a moderate extrovert married to an extreme introvert. On the Myers-Briggs, they practically have to add on to the end of the scale for him. You will probably hate this advice, but I would suggest regularly asking out the quieter women you encounter. Don’t push for a Big Date, just make a point of inviting them to coffee or to eat with you on campus or to study. Because introverted women are very unlikely to initiate contact with you. They will also rarely really put their personality out there in group settings for you to realize you have a lot in common (or not). Most of these girls won’t get asked out a lot, since if they are of average looks they’ll be easily overlooked, and introvert + smokin’ hot often comes across as intimidating. In sum, I say get in the habit of asking quiet women out for little things in familiar, comfortable settings. Otherwise you might fall prey to an extrovert, like my husband did, and have to put up with our chatter for the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/35 "2009-12-02T16:39:52Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > The quote in question stated: _Introverted women are clingy and possessive. Once they have a man, they want to stop looking._ I interpreted that as meaning that once an introverted woman has found someone she loves and wants to be with, she stops looking. To me, that is normal. You don’t keep looking for a job when you have one that you’re satisfied with, do you? Or keep looking for a toaster oven when you’ve just bought a new one? So why would you keep looking for an SO if you have one you’re happy with? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/36 "2009-12-02T17:55:46Z")
Perhaps you should try dating verted women. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/37 "2009-12-02T18:40:05Z")
> [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](#): > > I am a moderate extrovert married to an extreme introvert. On the Myers-Briggs, they practically have to add on to the end of the scale for him. > > You will probably hate this advice, but I would suggest regularly asking out the quieter women you encounter. Don’t push for a Big Date, just make a point of inviting them to coffee or to eat with you on campus or to study. Because introverted women are very unlikely to initiate contact with you. They will also rarely really put their personality out there in group settings for you to realize you have a lot in common (or not). Most of these girls won’t get asked out a lot, since if they are of average looks they’ll be easily overlooked, and introvert + smokin’ hot often comes across as intimidating. In sum, I say get in the habit of asking quiet women out for little things in familiar, comfortable settings. > > Otherwise you might fall prey to an extrovert, like my husband did, and have to put up with our chatter for the rest of your life. Poor **Ms. Attack** married me, so she has to put up with me telling her how much I adore her all the time, and live in a place with people and children and dogs instead of the monastic cell of which I suspect she fantasizes. She should go for a beer with **Mister Spry** , they could talk about how hellish it is…oh, wait, that’s not gonna work. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/38 "2009-12-02T19:04:02Z")
My ex-gf (well, I’ve had several, but this was the longest relationship) was what I’d call an extreme introvert. I was definitely the outgoing one of the two, and I was (and am to a degree) like how you described yourself. We got together because we were friends since grade 2, both being introverts we had a hard time finding other friends, let alone partners. My recommendation would be if you have any females that you’re just friends with, they’d be more comfortable with you than a strange introverted girl, and would be more willing to date. (This advice didn’t work for me though, while she was a great friend in my life, she didn’t make as good a romantic partner. And, it’s hard to go from a romantic relationship back to just friends, it’s like trying to unscramble scrambled eggs. I _really_ hope YMMV, as I’ve heard of similar situations that have worked, just not mine.) ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/39 "2009-12-02T19:14:07Z")
Yes for OKCupid! It’s how me and my SO met and it’s free. If you are looking for another site, you might check out SweetonGeeks (Not that all introverts = geeks, before someone hurts me. Just that you are looking for someone “nerdy”) ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357/40 "2009-12-03T01:11:51Z")
Bith Shuffle - I know well the area around the UW. There are many churches in the area, and the suggestion to try them is a good one. Also, campus libraries and off-campus bookstores are good because the introverts have to get their books in order to stay home and read them. Check out the blank journal sections, because they spend endless hours writing in their journals. Sometimes they do their writing in coffeeshops. I often see single women reading at lunchtime in the U restaurants, esp. Indian lunch buffets. Video stores are also good, and Scarecrow Video is a good place for meeting your peers. Try the Grand Illusion theater and coffeeshop. Or Seven Gables. The Safeway in the U-district is a good pickup place - introverts have to come out to buy food. ASUW Experimental College classes are good; there’s one on book collecting, many on literature, writing, yoga, meditation, etc. You should be noticing plenty of women in your classes. You’ll have to make the first move, though. Ask them questions about the class and the homework. Be persistent. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-meet-introverted-women/510357.md?page=3)