# How should I reply to this petty, petty complaint? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 29, 2009, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050 "2009-05-29T17:30:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SiXSwordS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/49beb7/32.png) [@SiXSwordS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SiXSwordS)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/21 "2009-05-29T18:06:49Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Hmm. I suppose I could program Word’s auto-correct feature to change the word “nitwit” to her name … I’d have the experience of frequently calling her “nitwit” without the repercussions. 😃 Unless you mistype nitwit: noxiousdouchebagwhorewannabe. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/22 "2009-05-29T18:07:40Z")
“Please feel free to run your team as you see fit. But please give me the same consideration.” ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/23 "2009-05-29T18:23:48Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > This is my fault. I wasn’t asking for serious advice on how to response, as I intend to ignore her. I was looking for amusing responses whiich I won’t use. Hence “maximum vituperation.” I thought I _was_ being amusing! It requires a sarcastic tone. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/24 "2009-05-29T18:29:42Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Keeping with the SDMB theme, walk into her area, drop trou, and scream “WOO! I AM MASTURBATING LIKE A MOTHERFUCK!” And then run nekked through her team meeting. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/25 "2009-05-29T18:31:14Z")
Print out a side-by-side comparison of your team’s performance and hers. Then wrap this printout around your fist and _punch her in the fucking teeth_. Sorry, not terribly vituperative, is it. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/26 "2009-05-29T18:39:19Z")
Create a fake user on Facebook, and befriend her. Make yourself a gorgeous, rich man, and tell her how she is your soul mate. Send her flowers at work. Tell her you have to meet her, and arrange for her to meet you at the train station (airport could work, but train station is traditional). Tell her to wear a yellow carnation so you’ll recognize her. Make the time “your train arrives” lunch time on the last Friday of the month. That Friday call in sick. Wear a fake mustache, a seersucker suit, and a straw boater, and meet her at the train station. Speak with an accent. Wine her and dine her. Take her on a gondola ride. Point out the biplane overhead with the trailer that asks her to marry you. Produce a diamond ring. Then beat her senseless with a tire iron. ---
**Author:** ![Claire\_Beauchamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ec9cab/32.png) [@Claire\_Beauchamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claire_Beauchamp)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/27 "2009-05-29T18:39:47Z")
You could go all Dr. Phil on her … “And how’s that working out for you?” ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/28 "2009-05-29T19:07:10Z")
I’m typically a fan of brutal honesty, myself. Tell her that is the pettiest, stupidest complaint you have _ever_ heard, and that you only bring in lunch when your team is exceeding both the productivity and the sales goals by a statistically significant margin. _If_ you had people who weren’t meeting goals, you would follow her example of issuing write-ups. But you don’t, so she can suck it. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/29 "2009-05-29T19:08:09Z")
Is this the same twit you were nattering about a few months ago? The one that wanted to split up a fantastically productive team? I lost track of that thread and am too lazy to find it again. How did that work out? ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/30 "2009-05-29T19:08:32Z")
Take a dump on her desk. And then set it on fire. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/31 "2009-05-29T19:09:13Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Keeping with the SDMB theme, walk into her area, drop trou, and scream “WOO! I AM MASTURBATING LIKE A MOTHERFUCK!” You could put a Thurburian twist on it, and make sure she’s alone when you do it. Make sure you have an airtight alibi, though. That way when she files a complaint, she’ll look crazy, and they’ll haul her off to the funny farm. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/32 "2009-05-29T19:10:45Z")
And… Tell her that you would be doing write-ups, but everyone is exceeding their goals. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/33 "2009-05-29T19:23:19Z")
“If the lunches irritate you, I hope you never find out how much sex I’m having with all of them.” ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/34 "2009-05-29T19:26:44Z")
When she’s leaving for the day, stop her in her car and offer her a pressed ham. Then moon her while pressing your buttcheeks against the window. Then offer her a pressed ham with gravy. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/35 "2009-05-29T19:44:15Z")
Email her “But if I do things the way you do then my teams numbers will suck too.” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/36 "2009-05-29T19:49:48Z")
> [@Projammer](#): > > Is this the same twit you were nattering about a few months ago? The one that wanted to split up a fantastically productive team? > > I lost track of that thread and am too lazy to find it again. How did that work out? The very same twit. But I wasn’t NATTERING. I was BITCHING. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/37 "2009-05-29T19:54:08Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > Lots of good options here - just don’t take the passive-aggressive route. Oh, come on, passive-aggressive can be fun, too! “Thank you very much for your email congratulating my team on exceeding our productivity goals. Of course I would be flattered if you chose to adopt some of my methods, and I wish you the best of luck in increasing your team’s productivity to match mine. Please feel free to email me whenever you need management tips - we’re a management TEAM, after all! :):):)” You MUST include multiple smilies for maximum infuriation effect. ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/38 "2009-05-29T19:55:45Z")
Invite the folks that she writes up to your lunches. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/39 "2009-05-29T19:58:33Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Oh, come on, passive-aggressive can be fun, too! > > “Thank you very much for your email congratulating my team on exceeding our productivity goals. Of course I would be flattered if you chose to adopt some of my methods, and I wish you the best of luck in increasing your team’s productivity to match mine. Please feel free to email me whenever you need management tips - we’re a management TEAM, after all! :):):)” > > You MUST include multiple smilies for maximum infuriation effect. Of course, I’m not going to actually respond to her, as I hate her so that the only reason it doesn’t endanger my immortal soul is that I don’t have one. But if I were going to break my rule on never interacting with her unless absolutely necessary, I’d go with this one. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2009, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050/40 "2009-05-29T20:02:12Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Get your team kazoos. Then when the numbers come in and your team produces higher numbers than hers they can all play their kazoos and march around the office and into her space in a self-congratulatory parade. When she gets offended tell her they liked this idea better than the lunch thing anyway. Or a big bell for every sale - “Another one for Skald’s team!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-i-reply-to-this-petty-petty-complaint/498050.md?page=3)