# How should one ask a woman to socialize with you w/o it sounding like a date **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 18, 2004, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453 "2004-08-18T20:51:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/21 "2004-08-19T03:25:47Z")
I have found this thread to be - surprisingly - fantastically amusing. “Don’t use the coupon man.” “I’m gonna use it!” “For the love of all that is good and holy, put down the coupon.” “I swear I’m gonna use it, you just watch.” etc. Fantastic stuff! By the way, don’t use the coupon. _sigh_ I’m bored and lonely and home all alone. I wish I had coupons. ---
**Author:** ![Walton\_Firm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/45deac/32.png) [@Walton\_Firm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walton_Firm)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/22 "2004-08-19T03:30:05Z")
So, did you invite the boyfriend or not? Because, to be frank, even _I_ am slowly starting to doubt the purity of your motives, and her bf might just be somewhat less inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt than we are… ---
**Author:** ![Atticus\_Finch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/23 "2004-08-19T03:57:54Z")
What did your email say, if you don’t mind us asking? Did you mention the coupons? Did you invite the boyfriend? ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/24 "2004-08-19T04:05:48Z")
If he doesn’t want to date her and she doesn’t want to date him, why in holy hell would she care at all if he had coupons? Not all women are as shallow as the other posters in this thread seem to make them out to be. I wouldn’t even think twice about that. I invite friends out to dinner all the time because I’ve got buy one get one stuff. It’s called living in a college town and being penniless and hungry. Good for you WC, I hope you made a new friend. ---
**Author:** ![Chairman\_Pow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Chairman\_Pow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chairman_Pow)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/25 "2004-08-19T04:12:36Z")
> [@Wesley Clark](#): > > I also have some ‘buy one get one free’ deal coupons for a restaurant in town I want to use and I need someone to go with. Dude, no matter what it looks like when you ask her out, if you pull this one at your first get together, it definitely won’t be a date by the end of the evening. Whatever happened ot asking people to study? ---
**Author:** ![Spezza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Spezza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spezza)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/26 "2004-08-19T04:13:05Z")
**Wes** , and everybody else, I have a rule concerning boy/girl friendships which, so far I’ve never experienced has never proven to be wrong. If a boy/girl friendship develops its genesis is enviably the result of one party having a physical (or intellectual) attraction to the other. This is not to say that a friendship may develop, but that the cause of the friendship developing in the first place is natural carnal desires. All of my (platonic) girlfriends have resulted from either myself having been attracted to them or them to me. This theory has also been presented to many other people and has always held to be the true. If you do ask her out, the boyfriend will definitely feel jealous; at some level as it would just be natural. My advice would be to casually bring up the fact you have coupons for a restaurant you’ve never been to sometime you are together at the laundry mat. Inquire if she can recommend it, and if she cannot then invite her along to try it with you. Best of luck bud. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/27 "2004-08-19T04:14:42Z")
> [@Atticus Finch](#): > > What did your email say, if you don’t mind us asking? Did you mention the coupons? Did you invite the boyfriend? hey (Person) its (Me). I have a proposition for you. I have some ‘buy one lunch buffet get one free’ coupons for pizza queen, over on south walnut and i want to see what their pizza is like (i’ve never had pizza there). I want to try them out and since i have a buy one get one free coupon i’d rather bring someone else with me and the people i’d reguarly go with aren’t in town or don’t want to go. Besides this is a good chance to meet new people as we haven’t really gotten a chance to talk outside of the laundromat. I have two buy one get one free coupons so if you want to bring your boyfriend and another friend you can. They have the lunch buffet from 11-2 everyday of the week. Let me know if you’re interested, i’m free most days of the week this week (until maybe monday). ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/28 "2004-08-19T04:22:36Z")
> [@Carbonear](#): > > Maybe, but… dude. It’s shooting yourself in the foot to ignore the fact that, most women – not all, maybe not this one in particular, but most – are going to be… uh, somewhat unimpressed by your thriftiness. If you ignore the “rules” just because you think they are silly, you will miss out. 'Struth. > > It will never hurt to maintain the polite fiction that the _only_ reason you want to spend time with someone is because she is interesting and fun to be around. You close no doors by saving the coupon for later. On the other hand, you may regret it if this otherwise cool person happens to be a little bit insulted when you tell her you wouldn’t bother inviting her to dinner, except that you got this really good deal on pizza, so how 'bout it? > > Speaking as a woman, it probably wouldn’t bother me if someone used a coupon at dinner if they were discreet about it, or even a bit sheepish. Especially if they were a student/legitimately broke, it might even be flattering in that “aw, they really tried to find a way they could take me out” way. But making the coupon the basis of the invitation? Uh, no thanks. > > (P.S. It would be an _unbelievably_ bad idea to say to her, “I already invited three people and none of them would come.” Believe it.) > > Here’s hoping for a favorable response from her, but take it into consideration next time, yeah? It’s not about how much money you spend, it’s about why you are inviting her at all. “I don’t want to waste this coupon” is _never_ a good reason. Yeah I know its a bad idea to tell her ‘you’re the 4th person I’d ask’. But I did let that slip in a way. Ah well. My motive wasn’t to waste a coupon, I just figure since for $1 extra two people can eat I should invite someone to go with me. Why spend $6 for myself when for $7 two people can go? That is why i’m asking people. LMAO. Seinfeld should’ve done an episode on this subject. George could spend 30 minutes worrying if he should use a coupon or not and debate all points of view. The reason i’m asking this girl is because she struck me as pretty mature and down to earth. I don’t think she’d care about a coupon. She is poor too. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/29 "2004-08-19T04:25:50Z")
PS i’ve made 1402 posts, and intent to make another 5000 or so more before I get bored on SDMB, but I want to be remembered as the guy with the coupon. That should be the first thing people think of when Wesley Clark comes to mind. ---
**Author:** ![leenmi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f1d935/32.png) [@leenmi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leenmi)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/30 "2004-08-19T04:29:42Z")
I wish you luck, **Wes** , but “proposition” is even worse than coupons. just sayin’ and I don’t mean to imply that all women are shallow. They do like to feel special, though. All people do. And telling her that when you think of dinner, you think of other people first, second, third and then her fourth because, hey, it’s free… not so special **Spezza** is right. And if you want to hear it put much more succinctly, let Billy Crystal tell you. Go rent _When Harry Met Sally_. Someone you know is bound to have a Blockbuster coupon 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/31 "2004-08-19T04:32:25Z")
> [@FilmGeek](#): > > If he doesn’t want to date her and she doesn’t want to date him, why in holy hell would she care at all if he had coupons? Not all women are as shallow as the other posters in this thread seem to make them out to be. I wouldn’t even think twice about that. > > I invite friends out to dinner all the time because I’ve got buy one get one stuff. It’s called living in a college town and being penniless and hungry. > > Good for you WC, I hope you made a new friend. It all goes back to caveman days. The cavemen who had the ‘buy one squirrel get one free’ coupons proved they were incompetent hunters and unable to survive in the harsh terrain without a string of coupons to carry them through life. The truly competent hunters caught all the squirrels and elk they needed, they didn’t need coupons to feed their families. I have inherited these genes and women can spot them as a sign of weakness. Luckily in conjunction with my oversensitive neurosis I can also be largely indifferent to social convention. This is one of those times. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/32 "2004-08-19T04:34:16Z")
> [@leenmi](#): > > Someone you know is bound to have a Blockbuster coupon 😉 I have 13 blockbuster coupons, I just rented Lord of the Rings 3 today. But I can understand about the whole ‘I just need someone/anyone to go with me and everyone I wanted to go with said no so I’m asking you’ thing. Hopefully she won’t take it that way. ---
**Author:** ![CBEscapee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@CBEscapee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CBEscapee)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/33 "2004-08-19T04:37:39Z")
You’re making it all too complicated and involved. Why don’t you just say “I’m hungry, are you? wanna go get a pizza, my treat?” And then let it go where it goes. You don’t have to do any explaining and she probably doesn’t want to her any explanations. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. ---
**Author:** ![KP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a9adbd/32.png) [@KP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/34 "2004-08-19T04:49:25Z")
I’ve said exactly that MANY times: “I have this coupon for this place. You want to come with me to check it out?” I love trying new places, and a coupon (especially to a place I’ve heard good things about) is very often the thing that moves it to the top of the list. Heck, I used to buy coupon books just for the impetus to try new places. My motives for inviting the ladies have varied, and the evenings have ranged from life-changingly good to “this will be a funny story in five years” bad, but the coupon invitation itself never been a problem. If she would be mortified by the coupon, then it’s _far_ better that she know about it up front. But there’s NO reason why you _must_ start this friendship with a coupon. Don’t wed the two issues so closely ($5 -or $500- for a friendship is usually a bargain) Could it be that you were nervous about making an invitation at all? If so, it’s best to recognize it right away. It’ll help you formulate your future plans. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/35 "2004-08-19T05:02:25Z")
Hi, **Wesley**. Although I agree with **CBEscapee** that you didn’t really _need_ to explain, you did just fine with your message. Good first step – especially if you don’t want her necessarily to assume that this is anything other than just a friendly gesture. Relax and have fun. Lots of girls also like to ease into a friendship before they consider dating someone. ---
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/36 "2004-08-19T05:17:19Z")
**Wesley** , we’ve talked about it here in the back room while you were surfing [freestuff.com](http://freestuff.com), and we’ve decided that your intention is most definitely to woo, date, marry, and sleep with this woman (not necessarily in that order). On the off-chance that you weren’t aware of this intention, we thought it best to inform you. We see the Pit thread coming already…“She wants to pay RETAIL for her freakin’ wedding dress!!” ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/37 "2004-08-19T05:17:46Z")
If you’re going to go the coupon route Wesley, you’d better have a penis that can snake out drains and sing the Anniversary Waltz. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/38 "2004-08-19T05:24:29Z")
> [@Standup Karmic](#): > > **Wesley** , we’ve talked about it here in the back room while you were surfing [freestuff.com](http://freestuff.com), and we’ve decided that your intention is most definitely to woo, date, marry, and sleep with this woman (not necessarily in that order). On the off-chance that you weren’t aware of this intention, we thought it best to inform you. > > We see the Pit thread coming already…“She wants to pay RETAIL for her freakin’ wedding dress!!” Yeah you’re right. Here was the text of my original message Dear (person). I have some coupons to a pizza place i’d like to try. Normally i’d ask a friend to go but they are all busy, so i’m asking you. Since this was my idea and they are my coupons i’d appreciate it if we split the bill 70/30 instead of 50/50. Also, try to wear something nice. Don’t dress all frumpy like you normally do, put some effort into looking attractive. People will see us. I ‘guess’ your boyfriend can come, but he has to sit at another table. ---
**Author:** ![bughunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/39 "2004-08-19T20:12:01Z")
> [@CBEscapee](#): > > Why don’t you just say “I’m hungry, are you? wanna go get a pizza, my treat?” My sentiment exactly. Just treat her like you would any other potential friend… unless there’s something more going on… > [@](#): > > You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Which makes me think there’s something more going on… Are you being honest with yourself, Wes? Cuz it seems to me that you’re somehow attracted to this girl, otherwise you wouldn’t be taking such care with a simple invitation for pizza. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453/40 "2004-08-19T21:11:18Z")
> [@bughunter](#): > > My sentiment exactly. Just treat her like you would any other potential friend… unless there’s something more going on… > Which makes me think there’s something more going on… > > Are you being honest with yourself, Wes? Cuz it seems to me that you’re somehow attracted to this girl, otherwise you wouldn’t be taking such care with a simple invitation for pizza. No, I feel its you guys who are making a big deal of this. I am trying to figure out how to not make this sound like a date invitation, all I wanted was a little help on how to do that (and I got that info on post 2). Every big deal has been made by everyone else (all the coupon fighting and whatnot). I am a little neurotic with women though so I may be fearing she will overreact but I am just trying to expand my social network. Do you people not trust me or something, to think that I can spend 30 minutes with a woman without trying to break up her relationship? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-one-ask-a-woman-to-socialize-with-you-w-o-it-sounding-like-a-date/260453.md?page=3)