# How should we approach this? (Gave person $ for reason, don't know if $ was spent for reason)
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [March 19, 2013, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384 "2013-03-19T19:13:49Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/1 "2013-03-19T19:13:49Z")
So my wife and I are members of a science fiction fan group here in San Antonio. Just over a year ago we were discussing having a group presence at the upcoming [Worldcon](http://www.worldcon.org/) sf convention (this September) when the leader of the group expressed concern about finances - we’re just fans, there are no dues, and any monies paid have come out of the leaders pockets. Worldcon needed $160 for the group to register and the leader didn’t have that money available.
Later that evening, my wife and I took the leader to the side and said that we would be glad to donate the $ to the group so that the group could have representation at Worldcon. Leader agreed and we donated the money within a week or two (this all happened in January, 2012, if that matters.)
Well, let’s just say that, based upon statements the leader has made over the past few months about “not receiving free passes to Worldcon for the group, therefore the group might as well not go if we can’t get free passes” (or whatever), it seems readily apparent to me that the money was not used to purchase a booth (or whatever) at Worldcon.
My wife and I are of two different mindsets about this:
1. I say that it’s OK to just ask leader what happened to the group fee, and if the group is not registered, that it’s within our right to ask for our $160 back, despite whatever personal/financial turmoil is going on with leader’s life.
2. My wife prefers to drop it, or, at least approach it very indirectly, as leader has lost their job (but found another one and is currently employed in a salaried position), likely doesn’t have $160 to give us, we are doing much better than leader financially and we don’t need the money, Laura (my wife) doesn’t want to lose the friendship/acquaintance, Laura doesn’t want to cause friction within the group and lose _their_ friendship/acquaintances, etc.
So, what say you? How would you approach this?
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### Author:  [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/2 "2013-03-19T19:20:46Z")
Forget about it and never give the group money again unless you write the check to the end payee. But making an issue of it now has no upside.
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### Author:  [@HipGnosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HipGnosis)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/3 "2013-03-19T19:23:43Z")
It is certainly ok to ask what happened to the monies donated for the registration, etc. It’s best done with your wife there as a witness but no one else.
It is ok to ask for the donation money back. But don’t hold your breath.
It IS ok to tell that leader that you feel taken advantage of and/or mislead and therefore won’t ever be donating again.
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### Author:  [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/4 "2013-03-19T19:37:43Z")
On rereading your post, the following occurs to me: the $160 may well have gone to a dealer’s room reservation, but if the group did not have money to follow up, the deposit might have been forfeit. It is damnably expensive to have space at the big cons and it may have been the simple case of not being able to finish what was planned and partially paid for.
I think you’re entitled to an explanation, but make it a nonconfrontational question in private, and if the money was misspent, ask for compensation in prepaid dues or publications or something the group can spare over time.
Could be worse. I wrote off about one hundred times that amount in a similar situation…
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### Author:  [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/5 "2013-03-19T19:50:38Z")
You have to at least inquire. Go from there.
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### Author:  [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/6 "2013-03-19T20:24:13Z")
You have to at least ask. Looks pretty hinky him just not mentioning on his own what the heck happened to the money.
I don’t quite get what you were expecting to get for the money. I mean you are just a group of fans. You don’t need a booth or to be “represented” at the convention. Was the $160 like buying a ticket for someone(s)?
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### Author:  [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/7 "2013-03-19T20:28:52Z")
Just reading the title I was all ready to tell you to suck it up. But reading the whole story I would have to say you need to ask about it.
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### Author:  [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/8 "2013-03-19T20:28:58Z")
Since you’re looking for advice, moved to our advice forum, IMHO (from MPSIMS).
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### Author:  [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/9 "2013-03-19T20:36:58Z")
Just ask and get it over with. Next time don’t give away money like that. You could have sent the money yourself if it was a legitimate purpose.
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### Author:  [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/10 "2013-03-19T20:55:32Z")
I’m confused - an individual (i.e. one person) membership for this year’s Worldcon is $200. What was everybody expecting for $160?
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### Author:  [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/11 "2013-03-19T21:01:33Z")
> [@That\_Don\_Guy](#):
>
> I’m confused - an individual (i.e. one person) membership for this year’s Worldcon is $200. What was everybody expecting for $160?
It sounds like the down payment or deposit for a dealer’s room table or an organization room table.
Also, at-the-door pricing is not the same as long-advance pricing. Tix could have been $160 or less right when the con was announced.
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### Author:  [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/12 "2013-03-19T21:03:03Z")
> [@CarnalK](#):
>
> You have to at least ask. Looks pretty hinky him just not mentioning on his own what the heck happened to the money.
>
> I don’t quite get what you were expecting to get for the money. I mean you are just a group of fans. You don’t need a booth or to be “represented” at the convention. Was the $160 like buying a ticket for someone(s)?
I don’t really know. My wife is far more involved in the group than I am and we gave the $ based upon her understanding of what’s involved.
A booth at the Dealers Room is $175, so perhaps that’s it? Or perhaps we were just paying for Leaders ticket… I don’t know, other than the fact that we gave L $160.
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### Author:  [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/13 "2013-03-19T21:05:01Z")
> [@That\_Don\_Guy](#):
>
> I’m confused - an individual (i.e. one person) membership for this year’s Worldcon is $200. What was everybody expecting for $160?
I’m not too sure, but I think $160 was the individual price at the very beginning, with the price being increased as time passes. The next price increase is the end of April.
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### Author:  [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/14 "2013-03-19T21:19:23Z")
> [@JohnT](#):
>
> 1. My wife prefers to drop it, or, at least approach it very indirectly, as leader has lost their job (but found another one and is currently employed in a salaried position), likely doesn’t have $160 to give us, we are doing much better than leader financially and we don’t need the money, Laura (my wife) doesn’t want to lose the friendship/acquaintance, Laura doesn’t want to cause friction within the group and lose _their_ friendship/acquaintances, etc.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for the money back in this situation. Although you should probably do that yourself, given your wife’s concerns about friction and the fact that she’s “closer” to them than you are. Maybe you happen to be better-off than the leader is, but that doesn’t mean you owe them free charity. Give them some time to come up with the money, sure, but it’s not gauche to make clear that you expect a refund for unrendered services.
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### Author:  [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/15 "2013-03-19T22:13:42Z")
> [@Loach](#):
>
> Just reading the title I was all ready to tell you to suck it up. But reading the whole story I would have to say you need to ask about it.
Me, too. I’d keep it quiet and nonconfrontational, as others have said, but I think you’re well within your rights to ask what’s up.
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### Author:  [@Simplicio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simplicio)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/16 "2013-03-19T22:22:18Z")
I think I figure out what the money was supposed to be for in the first place before asking. It seems kinda weird to accuse someone of not using the money you gave them for the reason you gave it to them and then not know what that reason was.
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### Author:  [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/17 "2013-03-19T22:38:42Z")
Well, there’s that, too. My wife doesn’t even want to directly ask, given the possibility of a negative answer with potential fallout arising because of such. :smack:
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### Author:  [@Enkel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enkel)
#### Post date: [March 19, 2013, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/18 "2013-03-19T23:02:37Z")
Approach the leader, tell him/her that the event is coming up and you need to work out a schedule for manning the booth and figure out what sort of display it is going to have. Tell her that you want to plan your travel and need to know if you’re carrying stuff for the booth or if you’ll be shipping it all there UPS for pickup.
That will allow the leader to tell you exactly what the situation is. It is possible that you and the wife are going to have to pay for tickets for yourself and the leader might have been hoping for a free ticket with the booth (something this is very normal in events that I’ve worked at).
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### Author:  [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)
#### Post date: [March 20, 2013, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/19 "2013-03-20T17:44:32Z")
On second request for loan, I reached into my pocket, withdrew invisible wallet, opened it, and handed them the invisible $20 bill.
Upon the questioning look, I explained:
“I am pretending to lend you $20, just like you pretended last time that you were going to ever pay it back, and that you needed it for something other than to buy drugs. Isn’t pretending fun!”
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### Author:  [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)
#### Post date: [March 21, 2013, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/20 "2013-03-21T01:07:31Z")
> [@JohnT](#):
>
> Well, there’s that, too. My wife doesn’t even want to directly ask, given the possibility of a negative answer with potential fallout arising because of such. :smack:
I’m seeing two lessons to be learned:
1. Don’t be so quick to give money away on something for which you haven’t a clue as to it’s use.
2. Don’t give money to this clown (or any clown) again.
Did you see the same lessons to be learned as I did?
So, now, the main question is: Should you ask, against your wife’s will and direct counsel?
I’m seeing a third lesson coming down the pike…
[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384.md?page=2)