# How should we approach this? (Gave person $ for reason, don't know if $ was spent for reason) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 19, 2013, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384 "2013-03-19T19:13:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/21 "2013-03-21T01:56:32Z")
Well, third time’s the charm, right? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/22 "2013-03-21T01:56:56Z")
> [@HipGnosis](#): > > It is certainly ok to ask what happened to the monies donated for the registration, etc. It’s best done with your wife there as a witness but no one else. > > It is ok to ask for the donation money back. But don’t hold your breath. > > It IS ok to tell that leader that you feel taken advantage of and/or mislead and therefore won’t ever be donating again. This! But should’ve been done a year ago. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/23 "2013-03-21T01:58:24Z")
Within the context of your marriage, if you or your wife went out and blew $160 on something stupid, would that be ok? If you came home and she said (or you said to her) "I went a little crazy on Amazon today and spent $160 bucks on . . . ", would that be no big deal? If so, let this go. In some objective sense it’s silly to pay $160 just to avoid conflict, but it’s not the stupidest thing ever, either. If, on the other hand, $160 is in the “serious purchase that must be discussed in advance” category in your relationship, then you need to pursue this. Otherwise, it will grate at you. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/24 "2013-03-21T14:21:03Z")
A few people have said you are “within your rights to ask”, or words to that effect. Well, of course you are. But that’s not the issue - the issue is that by asking, you might lose a friend (maybe several friends). OK, you might say that someone who basically steals $160 is no friend anyway. That may be true, but as has already been said, no good is likely to come of it either way. I mean, look at it this way: there are a few possible outcomes. 1. Guy says it was all paid-for but then due to some unexpected contingency, or act of a third party, things have not turned out as planned. In which case you are no better off. 2. Guy comes out with the sob story (as you expect) of having no money and he will pay you back when he is more financially secure, etc. In which case you are no better off. 3. Guy outright lies about the circumstances. In which case you are no better off. It is highly, highly unlikely that option 4 (guy apologises, it was just an oversight, he returns the money to you immediately and you reman friends) is going to happen. Given the high risk of upsetting your wife (even if - especially if - you are right) for the small chance of reward, I would just drop it. I’m no expert, I’ve only been married a year, but one thing I have learned is that some things in a relationship are more important than money, or your own strongly-held views. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/25 "2013-03-21T18:55:18Z")
I’m sure I’ll sound like an elitist for saying this but: A whole group of people couldn’t muster up $160? I’d have to wonder about a group like that and I damn sure wouldn’t be footing the bill for them. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/26 "2013-03-22T00:37:33Z")
Ask about it. ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/27 "2013-03-22T01:29:36Z")
I’d say if it’s important to your wife to just let it go, then let it go. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/28 "2013-03-22T14:57:38Z")
You would be well within your rights to ask about it or even demand a refund. However, it is your wife’s thing and you should let her decide. Since she doesn’t want to risk any hard feelings you will have to eat the loss. 160 dollars lost to avoid upsetting your wife is money well spent. If you say something and bad things happen you will be hearing about it for literally the rest of your life. Not worth the risk. ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/29 "2013-03-22T15:31:55Z")
Could you contact the Convention organizers/staff and see if $160 was ever deposited by this person? They might be able to explain what happened to the money if it was a non-refundable deposit, and then you wouldn’t have to have a confrontation. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/30 "2013-03-22T15:38:21Z")
> [@puddleglum](#): > > You would be well within your rights to ask about it or even demand a refund. However, it is your wife’s thing and you should let her decide. Since she doesn’t want to risk any hard feelings you will have to eat the loss. 160 dollars lost to avoid upsetting your wife is money well spent. If you say something and bad things happen you will be hearing about it for literally the rest of your life. Not worth the risk. It’s too late about the hard feelings. The OP and his wife will now be suspicious and resentful of this dude . And perhaps for no good reason, he may have a perfectly valid explanation. That’s why you need to find out. Otherwise you’re going to be resentful over this- for the rest of your life. Yes, OP you need to get your wife’s buy in, but you need to talk her into this. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/31 "2013-03-22T23:21:23Z")
I see this as two separate questions: 1. If the money ended up in the leader’s pocket, or being squandered on something that wasn’t followed up on, should you just swallow it? It sounds like your wife thinks so, and you probably agree. If that’s the case, there’s probably little chance of actually getting the money. 2. What was the money actually for? It actually seems quite likely there was some non-stupid reason for this, the leader just never told you what it was, so you might feel a lot better if you knew what had happened rather than just having the money disappear. The first thing to check would be asking your wife, or looking at any old emails about it or anything, to see if they said what it was actually paying for. Or maybe ask your wife to casually ask what happened – it’s possible if she asks what happened, rather than starting by being accusatory, he may just tell her “oh sorry, xxxxx, I’m sorry, I can’t pay you back immediately because blah blah blah but…” and you can decide then whether to say “oh, don’t worry”. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/32 "2013-03-23T01:43:53Z")
Here’s the deal. There is no “casual,” “indirect,” or “non-accusatory” way to ask someone what happened to the money you gave him. No matter how nicely you or your wife choose your words, what he’s going to hear is “…you thieving bastard!” at the end of the sentence. Money or friendship. Choose one. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/33 "2013-03-23T01:48:15Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Here’s the deal. There is no “casual,” “indirect,” or “non-accusatory” way to ask someone what happened to the money you gave him. No matter how nicely you or your wife choose your words, what he’s going to hear is “…you thieving bastard!” at the end of the sentence. > > Money or friendship. Choose one. Sorry, once you start think they are a thief, you can’t help but put them into “non-friend”. Better to clear the air, that way there is at least a chance the friendship will be maintained. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384/34 "2013-03-23T02:46:45Z")
Thanks for the advice everybody. I’ve decided to drop the issue. If my wife cares to make it one, that’s on her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-should-we-approach-this-gave-person-for-reason-dont-know-if-was-spent-for-reason/653384.md?page=1)