# How soon does the "kids" convo come up? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 27, 2010, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126 "2010-07-27T00:48:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/21 "2010-07-27T16:46:53Z")
If you were 22, I would say your approach is a bit presumptuous and forward. At 32, not at all. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/22 "2010-07-27T17:00:01Z")
I think the pertinent question is if the OP is actually having a problem with scaring off men. According to the OP she’s the one who decides not to pursue these relationships, not the other way around. If she’s bringing up the topic and guys are still calling then it’s reasonable to assume they’re not feeling pressured enough to run away. ---
**Author:** ![Macnbaish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Macnbaish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macnbaish)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/23 "2010-07-27T17:00:25Z")
You are correct. Life goals line up. If they don’t you’re just wasting each other’s time… ---
**Author:** ![Caveat\_lector\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@Caveat\_lector\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caveat_lector_1)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/24 "2010-07-27T17:03:04Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > If you were 22, I would say your approach is a bit presumptuous and forward. At 32, not at all. Why? I’m not attacking I’m just curious. Most of my friends knew at 22 that they wanted marriage and kids and dated with the goal of getting married and having kids. If you date with that mind set why have a romantic relationship at any age with someone that does not share essential goals. And to address the OP I’d have no problem with it. With the last woman I asked out it actually came up in the first conversation we ever had. It was actually of the reasons I asked her out. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/25 "2010-07-27T17:14:48Z")
> [@Caveat\_lector\_1](#): > > > [@Wilbo523](#): > > > > If you were 22, I would say your approach is a bit presumptuous and forward. At 32, not at all. > > Why? I’m not attacking I’m just curious. Most of my friends knew at 22 that they wanted marriage and kids and dated with the goal of getting married and having kids. If you date with that mind set why have a romantic relationship at any age with someone that does not share essential goals. Well, when you’re 22, you might be sure about what you want, but all the people you’re dating might not be sure, and definitely might not be ready even if they do know. So then it’s more realistic to talk about who you might or might not be “scaring off.” I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s okay to “scare off” people who don’t line up with your life goals, but the younger you are when you start, the more people you might be scaring off who actually might eventually line up with your life goals. I dunno. I never wanted kids. I would probably have been willing to have them had I fell in love with someone who wanted them, but I’m glad that didn’t happen. It would be a hard thing to wait around to see if the other person ever makes up their mind, and scary to think they might decide they want the opposite of me. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/26 "2010-07-27T18:30:49Z")
> [@Caveat\_lector\_1](#): > > > [@Wilbo523](#): > > > > If you were 22, I would say your approach is a bit presumptuous and forward. At 32, not at all. > > Why? I’m not attacking I’m just curious. Most of my friends knew at 22 that they wanted marriage and kids and dated with the goal of getting married and having kids. If you date with that mind set why have a romantic relationship at any age with someone that does not share essential goals. Because at 22, most people don’t even know who they really are or what they really want or need out of a long term relationship. I’m a firm believer that most people should not consider marriage until they are older than 26. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/27 "2010-07-27T18:50:38Z")
> [@BrknButterfly](#): > > What do you guys think? Do you think it is to forward of me to ask a guy a month in if he wants kids? Do you think it is wrong that I decide not to date them if they don’t? What is your overall opinion?? Totally depneds on how you initiate the conversation. If a woman had sat me down after only one month of dating, for a Very Serious Conversation and asked “What are your long-term plans? Where do you see us heading? Do you want children to be a part of our futre?” I’d probably have gotten freaked out a bit. But, if we were sitting outside and a toddler waddled by making goofy faces and the woman said: “Haha! That kid is so cute! Some day I want some kids of my own!” That would probably prompt me to weigh in with my opinion, which would give her the answer she needs, without making me feel like she is planning a whole future only one month in to dating. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/28 "2010-07-27T19:06:36Z")
Your co-workers sound odd to me. Are they heavily bought into the Hollywood stereotype of relationships or something, that everything will magically work out if you just love each other enough? ---
**Author:** ![ducati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@ducati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ducati)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/29 "2010-07-27T20:12:51Z")
Biological clocks. Man, I don’t see how you gals walk around with those things.😃 . ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/30 "2010-07-28T03:34:54Z")
> [@ducati](#): > > Biological clocks. > > Man, I don’t see how you gals walk around with those things.😃 > . It’s why we have big handbags. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/31 "2010-07-28T03:51:13Z")
I never had one installed. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/32 "2010-07-28T12:53:45Z")
The kid conversation should come up fairly quickly into dating. I’m 33 and already have two kids in their teens, I don’t want to start over with the smalls all over again. Online dating has made it easier so I don’t have to get my hopes up with a girl only to find out they have a kid or want some. It’s severely limited my dating pool though ☹ ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/33 "2010-07-28T12:59:59Z")
> [@ducati](#): > > Biological clocks. > > Man, I don’t see how you gals walk around with those things.😃 We’re all Flavor Flav on the inside. Those of you saying that tone matters are correct. A general conversation about hopes and dreams is one thing, pinning someone down to a 5-year plan is another. But there has to be room for people to change. At a young age, especially visions of your future change. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/34 "2010-07-28T14:12:02Z")
I agree it’s not only appropriate, but necessary, to have that conversation. I’m also 32 and discussed marriage and kids (in the general sense) with my boyfriend very early into dating. At our age, biology _is_ a factor, like it or not. Ignoring reality doesn’t make that reality change. Best to make sure everyone’s on the same page as soon as possible. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/35 "2010-07-28T14:55:34Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > If a woman had sat me down after only one month of dating, for a Very Serious Conversation and asked “What are your long-term plans? Where do you see us heading? Do you want children to be a part of our futre?” I’d probably have gotten freaked out a bit. My _high school girlfriend_ had this conversation with me when I was 18 and she was 17. While being a little freaked, we continued dating for a few more weeks until it fizzled because she lied about attempting suicide. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/36 "2010-08-02T16:59:13Z")
My husband brought it up on our first (e-Harmony arranged) date. Dear god I love that man. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/37 "2010-08-02T18:01:25Z")
It depends on why you’re dating the person. If it’s a casual thing with little reasonable expectation of a long-term relationship, you probably never have to have the kids discussion. Otherwise, I’d say it’s a good idea to do it before you have sex. You might as well get it out of the way early. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/38 "2010-08-02T18:53:04Z")
> [@BrknButterfly](#): > > That’s what I figured. Just be completely upfront. Most of my co-workers felt that if the guy I was dating or on the date with wanted kids, that kind of question would scare them off. I think it’d scare off guys who don’t want kids, but that’s kind of the point. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/39 "2010-08-02T21:41:51Z")
I’ve never brought up the marriage/kids conversation because I’ve never felt strongly either way about them. As a teen, I told myself I’d let my future serious SO decide; I’m almost 33, and still haven’t thought up a better approach. My current SO seems open to marriage but doesn’t want kids, and that’s fine with me. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126/40 "2010-08-03T02:35:07Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > If you were 22, I would say your approach is a bit presumptuous and forward. At 32, not at all. I totally agree with this. Romance and love and such is nice and no one wants to overplan it, it’s just not the fairytale romance we all want. But you have to be realistic. As long as you can get other guys, you’re just saving everyone a lot of time. Besides no one is to say that in five years, maybe you’ll run into one of these guy and your values will have changed and you can date him again. Maybe his values will have changed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-does-the-kids-convo-come-up/548126.md?page=3)