# How soon to make sexual advances on a widow? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2015, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389 "2015-06-12T21:26:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/1 "2015-06-12T21:26:44Z")
It may not be obvious from my name but I am a woman and recently widowed. I have just experienced my first sexual advance from a man. How soon would you do this or how soon do you think it appropriate? I know it varies with each individual, so I’m asking. ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/2 "2015-06-12T21:33:31Z")
I think a lot of it depends on the state of the marriage, if the death was foreseen (giving the surviving spouse time to process the imminent death, etc.) I’m not gonna ask her if she wants to grab a drink after the funeral, but I don’t think I would consider her off limits for more than a year (and that’s pushing it). In my (limited) experience, the older a person is, the sooner they are likely to put themselves out there. ---
**Author:** ![mrldii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@mrldii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrldii)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/3 "2015-06-12T21:38:59Z")
I’m pretty sure [at the very least] the ‘Third Date Rule’ still applies, regardless of any [unfortunate] circumstances that led up to asking someone out on the first one. Thank goodness you’ve saw **that** red flag before even accepting his invite for a first date! ---
**Author:** ![Dibbs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Dibbs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dibbs)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/4 "2015-06-12T21:42:19Z")
Tell him to go take a cold shower and to not ever show his sick face around you ever again! ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/5 "2015-06-12T22:05:21Z")
Really depends on the nature of the “sexual advances”. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/6 "2015-06-12T22:08:48Z")
Just to clear up this point - I was not on a date or putting myself out there. I am not dating, looking, making myself available or sending out vibes. I am uninterested in a relationship or what they call a hook up, with anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/7 "2015-06-12T22:11:53Z")
For me at least we’d kind of need to be dating before I suggested we bump uglies. And if we’re dating I like to think I’d be fairly well in tune with whether or not you’re ready to move on, so you wouldn’t need to check with a handful of anonymous cyberfolk to see if I was being creepy. Can’t really put a timeline on that kind of thing–it’s right when it’s right. Can’t speak to more casual hookups though, not my thing. ETA: You little ninja you. So it was an out of the blue booty call on The Widow dflower? Kinda strikes me as odd under any circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/8 "2015-06-12T22:20:12Z")
Yes Jester it was a surprise for me. But then if I was not so out of practice I would have noticed it an hour sooner. I have know him a long time but not well. He is thinking of buying the lawn tractor from me. So we were sitting and talking about people we know in common and movies. Just normal friend talk. But every once in a while it was a bit personal. Then he asked if we could put on some music and dance nice and slow. OH Now I get it! So I said I was not interested. Now I know why I was complimented on looking good for my age, etc. Too soon, too soon. No, not just that, but I was giving no encouraging hints. I never will. I’m done with that. So it did feel out of the blue. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/9 "2015-06-12T22:20:15Z")
> [@Dibbs](#): > > Tell him to go take a cold shower and to not ever show his sick face around you ever again! Its faster to kick him in the nads. So, if he tries it again? Go For It! ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/10 "2015-06-12T22:23:24Z")
No need for violence. It was not attempted rape, just an offer. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/11 "2015-06-12T22:23:55Z")
Maybe he misunderstood the whole ride on thing? ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/12 "2015-06-12T22:25:24Z")
Most of my late wife’s friends started hitting on me within a month or so of her passing. Some may have been doing it earlier, I was too numb and in pain for month to notice much of anything. People suck. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/13 "2015-06-12T22:28:49Z")
Really, Stuffy? Wow! ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/14 "2015-06-12T22:51:41Z")
:(I apologize in advance, because this is going to just a bit on the crude side, but here we go. I’m a widow, too. I have been since 2005. I had a good marriage and it devastated me to lose my husband. It was a good 18 months before I had even a glimmer of interest in the opposite sex and it was longer than that before I started missing sexual activity. Mostly, I was just numb. Unfortunately, there is a certain contingent out there that think that widows are a hot property, just panting for nookie because we were used to getting it and enjoying it on a regular basis. Widows aren’t like bitter divorces who are mad at men in general, in their book. We’re ‘easy’. I was beyond surprised - shocked, really - at the liberties some people thought they could take with me. At first I questioned myself and wondered what I was doing to give off those kind of signals. But after awhile I realized it wasn’t me. It was them. They were just ‘nasty boys’. So, sorry to say, you will probably be the victim of a few of these kind of advances. Don’t hesitate to tell them to f\*\*\* off. And remember that there are plenty of other folks out there who will respect your situation and treat you properly. If that type of guy has an interest in you, he’ll probably wait for you to tell him it’s ok to proceed. Don’t hesitate to do so if you find a good one that you like. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s one helluva thing to happen to a person. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/15 "2015-06-12T22:57:00Z")
Yep, really. The first was the one who was around the most often. She sorted of moved herself into the empty bedroom a few feet from where I’m writing this. Ostensibly to help me and the boys with things. One month to the day of Naomi’s passing, I’m in the kitchen staring off into space probably, she asks to speak to me. I sort of blame myself for not seeing it coming, but to be honest I spent a lot of that first month in an alcohol fueled haze. She then proceeds to get all touchy feely…I don’t quite remember how I extricated myself from her and broke down in my room. She left a day or three later. Over the next several months two others made their play. ---
**Author:** ![mrldii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@mrldii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrldii)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/16 "2015-06-12T23:00:07Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > Just to clear up this point - I was not on a date or putting myself out there. I am not dating, looking, making myself available or sending out vibes. I am uninterested in a relationship or what they call a hook up, with anyone. ~WHOA!!!~ There was no Lobster Dinner at a Fine Dining Establishment [yet] and [already] there were sexual advances?!? I’m with “dont ask”…perhaps the printed copy of the ad omitted the word ‘tractor’ from the ride-on equipment you were selling. Either that, or he’s simply terribly cheap on top of being extremely tacky. Or, he’s a very, very busy man and has had to learn excellent time-management skills. In any event and regardless of the circumstances, I stand by my previous: Thank God he came in with the red flags a-wavin’!!! Now, you don’t have to waste another precious nanosecond wondering who/how he _really_ is. 🆒 Best of luck to you…and sorry for your recent loss. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/17 "2015-06-12T23:07:52Z")
No need to apologize Stillowned. Thanks for your story. At first I thought it strange that he was interested in me as he is younger by at least 15 years and would seem to me to have no trouble finding dates. Then it was not just strange but insulting. I was just in the neighborhood and convenient. As you said “easy” and probably desperate, in his eyes. A friend told me to be flattered but I am not! ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/18 "2015-06-12T23:10:54Z")
Stuffy, you did have it tough. I hope you and yours are doing well. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/19 "2015-06-12T23:20:42Z")
72 hours after the funeral ---
**Author:** ![Claverhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Claverhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claverhouse)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/20 "2015-06-12T23:29:25Z")
As with many things, a Year and a Day. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389.md?page=2)