# How soon to make sexual advances on a widow? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2015, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389 "2015-06-12T21:26:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/21 "2015-06-12T23:37:20Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > Most of my late wife’s friends started hitting on me within a month or so of her passing. Some may have been doing it earlier, I was too numb and in pain for month to notice much of anything. People suck. Took that long, huh? The worst case of widower chasing I ever witnessed was at the funeral home. A whole cluster in colored stockings and netted hats like a mob of butterflies. Probably 7 or 8 of them, tittering like tweens. It genuinely turned my stomach to watch them. I think it was only partly interest in the man (who was still a handsome man at 80), and muchly interest in his house full of nice things, with the expectation that he would soon follow his beloved to the grave. ☹ **dflower** , you’ll be ready when you’re ready, which may be sometime between 20 minutes ago and never. But do expect that some people have no expectation of a mourning period at all, and others have timelines that don’t match yours. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2015, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/22 "2015-06-12T23:52:27Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > Stuffy, you did have it tough. I hope you and yours are doing well. It’s been nearly 3 years. We’re mostly doing well and thank you. My condolences on your loss. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/23 "2015-06-13T00:06:38Z")
I might ask a widow out for coffee or lunch or something within a short time after the death in a “I’m here for you” kind of way. Hopefully, she doesn’t react by kicking me in the nuts just yet. I wouldn’t consider proposing anything romantic (let alone sexual) until I got some kind of signal from her that she considered herself back on the market so to speak. Losing my mother is the closest death I can think of to a spouse, and even that left me uninterested in a relationship for a long time afterward. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/24 "2015-06-13T00:15:49Z")
If my spouse died, I would probably not be interested in any type of romantic relationship for a very long time. Years, maybe. I wouldn’t be offended if someone asked me out for a drink within a couple of weeks or months, but I think I’d turn them down. I probably wouldn’t initiate a romantic relationship with someone who’s spouse died unless they initiated it first. You never know how long it will take someone to grieve. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/25 "2015-06-13T00:47:34Z")
Maybe it was easier for our great great grandmothers. Back when generally accepted rules for mourning and the attire that indicated your position in that mourning timeline were very obvious. If I was upper class or even middle class in the Victorian times I would be in complete black and all would know not to intrude in my grief. But now I am expected to be back at work in no time flat and cheerful at that. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/26 "2015-06-13T00:59:21Z")
**dflower** my condolences on your loss. You’re undoubtedly expected to be back at work and cheerful, AND expected to turn down unwanted offers with a smile and gratitude. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/27 "2015-06-13T00:59:57Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > Maybe it was easier for our great great grandmothers. Back when generally accepted rules for mourning and the attire that indicated your position in that mourning timeline were very obvious. If I was upper class or even middle class in the Victorian times I would be in complete black and all would know not to intrude in my grief. But now I am expected to be back at work in no time flat and cheerful at that. ☹ I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that. I personally would have found the rigidly prescribed Victorian mourning period stifling, but then I hate it when people tell me what to do. But yeah, it really would be nice if we could come up with a modern equivalent of mourning dress or symbol, widely recognized, that we could choose to wear as long as we each feel the need. My condolences for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/28 "2015-06-13T01:06:17Z")
Sex on the coffin is frowned upon. GoT notwithstanding. ---
**Author:** ![FeAudrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7feea3/32.png) [@FeAudrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FeAudrey)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/29 "2015-06-13T01:14:15Z")
A common signal that you are “back on the market” is to stop wearing your wedding ring. This may be too subtle for some of the folk described by previous posters. Customs have varied widely by time and place. In Victorian times, there was that lengthy, elaborate timetable, with two year’s worth of prescribed wardrobe colors and permitted activities. In the eighteenth century, things moved a lot more quickly – James Madison was making his addresses to the widowed Dolley Payne Todd after about six months, with friends on both sides encouraging the match. These days, as those above posters have noted, it’s your call. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/30 "2015-06-13T01:24:10Z")
> [@FeAudrey](#): > > A common signal that you are “back on the market” is to stop wearing your wedding ring. This may be too subtle for some of the folk described by previous posters. It took me a little over a year to take off my wedding ring. I’d forgotten (I think) that I was wearing it. It now sits in a box with it’s companion. I’m waiting to give them to one of my sons or daughter. ---
**Author:** ![yawuntz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a5b964/32.png) [@yawuntz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yawuntz)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/31 "2015-06-13T01:29:39Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > … I was complimented on looking good for my age, etc… Smooth talker though eh? It takes a very special type of person to deliver such a “compliment.” ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/32 "2015-06-13T01:30:52Z")
Three days after burial to make sure the departed won’t take any issue, to forty days to make sure no one alive does. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/33 "2015-06-13T01:32:47Z")
Sucky Gestault is that, as a swimmer in the dating pool, you have to get your feelings hurt as a matter of course. As a widow/widower, you’ve already had your feelings hurt tremendously. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/34 "2015-06-13T01:39:35Z")
> [@FeAudrey](#): > > A common signal that you are “back on the market” is to stop wearing your wedding ring. This may be too subtle for some of the folk described by previous posters. Oh no, I stopped wearing my wedding ring after 3 months. I did not know it was a signal. But then I doubt that my “admirer” noticed. ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/35 "2015-06-13T02:09:30Z")
You never wore black, I take it. I’m thinking of tradition because I recall from my readings that (rich) were considered prize catches (might still be.) ---
**Author:** ![edwardcoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@edwardcoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/edwardcoast)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/36 "2015-06-13T05:44:17Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > It may not be obvious from my name but I am a woman and recently widowed. > I have just experienced my first sexual advance from a man. > How soon would you do this or how soon do you think it appropriate? > I know it varies with each individual, so I’m asking. So sorry for your loss. Some guys are just as thick as a brick and don’t know how to read when it’s time. I’ve never been pushed away from a woman or had my advances rejected, and I believe it’s because I have a very good sense of timing. I think it’s silly to count the number of dates or times a couple has been together, there is the right time and place for things, and there is no formula for that. I’ve not had experience with widows, but I think I would start off simply being their friend and not pressure them into an official date until they are ready. If I suggested an activity I thought we would both enjoy over time, and she didn’t show an interest, I would take that to mean she isn’t ready or isn’t interested in me. Depending on how long it’s been (less than a year), I think she might felt she is continuing to honor the memory of her late husband, and I would have respect for that. ---
**Author:** ![edwardcoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@edwardcoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/edwardcoast)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/37 "2015-06-13T05:47:14Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > Yes Jester it was a surprise for me. But then if I was not so out of practice I would have noticed it an hour sooner. > I have know him a long time but not well. He is thinking of buying the lawn tractor from me. So we were sitting and talking about people we know in common and movies. Just normal friend talk. But every once in a while it was a bit personal. Then he asked if we could put on some music and dance nice and slow. OH Now I get it! So I said I was not interested. Now I know why I was complimented on looking good for my age, etc. Too soon, too soon. No, not just that, but I was giving no encouraging hints. I never will. I’m done with that. So it did feel out of the blue. Sounds like he was more focused on what he was feeling and not considering your feelings. That’s not a great guy in my book. ---
**Author:** ![edwardcoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@edwardcoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/edwardcoast)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/38 "2015-06-13T05:56:26Z")
> [@dflower](#): > > Oh no, I stopped wearing my wedding ring after 3 months. I did not know it was a signal. But then I doubt that my “admirer” noticed. Some guys are just jerks. Don’t take it as a complement or be insulted. What he was offering simply isn’t what you were interested in from him. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/39 "2015-06-13T11:26:49Z")
Maybe he was trying to get you to come down on the tractor. ---
**Author:** ![dflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dflower/32/3270_2.png) [@dflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dflower)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2015, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389/40 "2015-06-13T18:45:19Z")
Wearing black is not a sign of mourning these days, I wear black often as it has been in style for everyday wear for some time. As for a noticeable sign that a woman is available it is so hard to know these days. So many women dress as if they are strippers or show girls that I am often shocked. But I am one to dress more for comfort than to draw attention to myself. So my “admirer” was not picking up on my signals and it took me a while to understand his intention. It was odd and a bit unnerving but I now know to watch out for this. I really did think that at my age, this was not going to be a concern for me. Live and learn. And thanks to all for your kind expressions of sympathy. It is appreciated. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-soon-to-make-sexual-advances-on-a-widow/722389.md?page=3)