# How the hell is "time out" supposed to work? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 11, 2013, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660 "2013-03-11T22:47:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660/21 "2013-03-12T13:26:24Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > We have the same problem with time out: my kid may just be too young for it. He really doesn’t get “stop”, “stay” , or limitations on movement: he’s really good about understanding when I want him to do something, he certainly understands “no, don’t touch” but he has a lot of trouble with the idea that he can’t go somewhere, or that he shouldn’t move. He’s 16 months, though, so I assume he will figure it out. Though I am open to suggestions. The doctor said to put him in his crib, but he loves his crib. I don’t really want to make that a punishment place. > > For a kid that won’t stay: this was devastating, but it did work: he isn’t supposed to stand on the bed. I kept telling him no, and removing him, and he thought that was hysterical, and so kept doing it. So I picked him up, put him outside my bedroom, and closed the door–with me still inside. I counted twenty seconds. He bawled his eyes out: being separated from mom was pretty much the end of the world. He hasn’t stood on the bed since, or, more accurately, he is very open to being reminded that he shouldn’t. Yep, you nailed it. If you can’t get them to stay (though by 18 months, he should be as trainable as a German Shepherd, so give it a little time) then you (safely, fleetingly) remove yourself from his sight. Good instincts! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660/22 "2013-03-12T13:49:19Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Heh. Yeah, every disciplinary technique has an “oops” moment sooner or later. I was (am) a “natural consequences” mom - you make a mess, you clean it up. Which doesn’t work so well when the child really wants to use the broom and bucket. Took me several rounds of cereal on the floor and spaghetti sauce on the walls before I figured out what was going on. I had to modify that technique and make my daughter stand there and watch me clean up her mess, without helping at all. That was torture for her, and put a quick end to that behavior! 😃 But I WANNA clean my apartment! I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA! Knock yourself out. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660/23 "2013-03-12T15:25:12Z")
For The Nephews, there is no lack of attention involved in “time outs”, because their parents are incapable of Shutting The Hell Up. If the child has commited an infraction, they have to give their speech\*. But both kids hate having to be still almost as much as they hate having to listen to their parents’ rantings. - The Kidlet is already developing what my mother calls “that same look you used to have”, where you is me. As I’ve explained, it’s the look that means “I know I’m going to get the book thrown at me no matter what I do so I’ve tried to develop a poker face - but mine is naturally made of glass, I just can’t go beyond ‘glassy attention’”. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660/24 "2013-03-12T15:30:17Z")
For us, “time out” means “get out of my sight before I do something we’ll both regret, especially you.” The kid doesn’t need much more of an incentive. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660/25 "2013-03-12T16:30:35Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > Works a treat but tends to leave sticky residue. > > The belt from a towelling dressing gown/bath robe tied just tight enough is good too.😃 Yeah, but then they get drool all over the belt of your bathrobe. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660/26 "2013-03-12T17:22:51Z")
I’ve been giving time outs a lot of thought recently, because it seems they’re already becoming a bit less effective for us, and my kid’s only 2 and 1/2. I’ve heard many people recommend the book “[How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk](http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363106444&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk)”, and they had a lot of good ideas. Like **WhyNot** , I’m all about “natural consequences,” so I liked their approach. However, I was a little dubious at first of the fact that they advocate not using punishment at all. And they count time outs as a punishment. The idea is that using arbitrary punishments is not really instructive to the kid. At worst, it makes them resentful, and sometimes, as **Pyper** points out, it actually reinforces the bad behavior. At best, it teaches them that doing a specific thing will get them punished. But it doesn’t teach them how to consider the consequences of their actions in a more general sense, and it doesn’t teach them what they _should_ do, only what they _shouldn’t_. They make the point that our goal should be to teach our kids to identify what’s the right thing to do, and if they mess up, to fix it. Punishment only teaches them to identify what will make their parents angry, and to avoid getting caught doing it. So I’ve come to the conclusion that timeouts can still work, but ideally, they should only be used when they’re a natural consequence of the bad behavior. “If you can’t share your toys, then you can’t play at all for five minutes,” makes sense to a kid. “If you keep throwing food on the floor, then you’ll have to sit quietly for five minutes,” makes considerably less sense. Since reading the book, I’ve tried to use consequences rather than always resorting to time outs, and that does seem to make the time outs more effective. As for the original question, how to make them stay put, we started out by holding him in place, as **DSeid** described. This was relatively easy, since we started when the kid was around a year old, maybe a year and a half. I’d sit with him on my lap, facing out, and I’d quietly count to 60 (we do one minute per year of life). As he got a little older and caught on to the concept, I started having him sit on the stairs while I sit in front of him and count. It sounds like I’m paying attention to him, but I don’t look at him directly, and I ignore him unless he talks or wiggles around or tries to get up. If he does that, I threaten to put one of his stuffed animal in time out as well. That usually does the trick. He’ll cry, but he’ll sit still for the duration. For some reason, he _really_ hates having his buddies in time out, even if it just means the buddy is sitting on the floor next to me. I [got that idea](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=14953353&postcount=1) from **Frylock** , incidentally, and will be forever grateful. Now, I just need to threaten a time out, and that’s usually sufficient to stop the behavior. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-the-hell-is-time-out-supposed-to-work/652660.md?page=1)