# how to approach GF with issues? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 16, 2014, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637 "2014-09-16T10:06:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![timewilltell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@timewilltell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timewilltell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/41 "2014-09-16T13:00:09Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > There’s not a lot of gray area here. Either you’re comfortable that you’re in an exclusive relationship, or you aren’t. If not, then you need to talk to her about it, using pretty much those exact words. She can either say “yes” or “no”. > I am baffled that you feel confident (or felt confident) that you are/were in an exclusive relationship with this woman. Why, exactly, was that? Because long before our break up I asked her “are we exclusive because I’d like to be” and she said yes. And then after the reconciliation we both reaffirmed this that we were exclusive. I felt confident in what she said as I understand the intentions of her words and they were not ambiguous. But do you mean something else? ---
**Author:** ![timewilltell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@timewilltell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timewilltell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/42 "2014-09-16T13:06:13Z")
> [@Sahirrnee](#): > > What she did when she wasn’t with you is none of your damn business. > What you did when she wasn’t with you is none of her damn business. > > What she did before she met you isn’t any of your damn business. > What you did before you met her isn’t any of her damn business. > > What she does after you break up is none of your damn business. > What you do after you break up is none of her damn business. > > You should not be asking her those questions and she should decline to answer them. Whether she sat for two weeks crying her eyes out, was out screwing a different man every night, or any combination thereof, it’s none of your business. > No answer she gives will satisfy you anyway. > You don’t own her, you broke up with her, she doesn’t owe you shit. > > Don’t go poking your nose in where it doesn’t belong and you’ll be a lot happier for it. My goodness. I can’t believe that: “hey, did you start anything during our break up that might be a problem to us now? and therefore how would you deal with it?” is such a freaking controversial thing. I’ll have to assume that everyone that thinks I am totally off base here is…I don’t know…don’t wanna get banned. Hopefully, someone with common sense will swoop in and realize that YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE BREAK UP PERIOD IN SOME WAY TO GET OVER IT. I’m just such a controlling little badger, I practically tied her up and interrogated and beat…what with all my questions pertaining to whether 100 dudes were now pursuing her and she may or may not be acting like someone usually would when exclusive NOW…I don’t have carpet in my office. I obviously need carpet on the floor and to wear a helmet given these ABSURD questions and concerns. It’s like no human would normally wonder of those things. Later, PC folks. I’ll only respond from now on to the rational. ---
**Author:** ![timewilltell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@timewilltell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timewilltell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/43 "2014-09-16T13:17:15Z")
PS. Any idea how common infidelity is in the US among women and men? About 1 out of 5 men or women that married are being cheated currently. So it is like an unreasonable concern so long as someone tells you that are being faithful to your face! So asking a few cautionary questions to re-establish exclusivity, boundaries, and monogamy…is just so 1990’s American common sense…it’s as if people actually understood human nature a bit better than it is now understood via a cloud of socially acceptable messages distributed through biased websites like Jezebel (yeah, gender centric media rots your brain)…please switch the genders in this story and test your reaction. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/44 "2014-09-16T13:20:54Z")
> [@timewilltell](#): > > Or she put me in a position where even considering doing these things to salvage the relationship would be doing her a favor. > > I seriously don’t think you can possibly walk a mile in the mocassins of a man that is not explicitly a bleeding heart liberal. You appear to be an unpleasant little twit & she will be better off without you. ---
**Author:** ![monasings](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@monasings](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monasings)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/45 "2014-09-16T13:24:36Z")
If the OP were a woman, and the person in question were a man, I would still say that there are the same trust issues going on, and that communication needs to be reestablished. Since the OP seems to only want answers who support his own hypothesis and doesn’t think, obviously, he is to blame at all for what appears to be a very fractured relationship, I will respectively bow out of the discussion. Best of luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![timewilltell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@timewilltell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timewilltell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/46 "2014-09-16T13:24:52Z")
> [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > You appear to be an unpleasant little twit & she will be better off without you. So says the person judging my character by how I react to what I feel is the biased reaction of folks here on this site. Oh huh…or I’m being attacked/unpleasantly addressed by people that cannot possibly consider the perspective of a man that might be being hurt by a woman in the way I described. ---
**Author:** ![timewilltell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@timewilltell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timewilltell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/47 "2014-09-16T13:28:09Z")
> [@monasings](#): > > If the OP were a woman, and the person in question were a man, I would still say that there are the same trust issues going on, and that communication needs to be reestablished. > > Since the OP seems to only want answers who support his own hypothesis and doesn’t think, obviously, he is to blame at all for what appears to be a very fractured relationship, I will respectively bow out of the discussion. > > Best of luck to you. I fell on a rock when 6 years old. Obviously, my ulna interact with the rock. However, my ulna was not to “blame” in the sense usually reserved for that word. To blame was that I was dropped accidentally by a parent from a position about 4 feet above a large rock. Interaction does not in anyway insinuate proportional culpability, unless you’d like to fault me for getting into or staying in this relationship. Are you perhaps doing some victim blaming !?!? ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/48 "2014-09-16T13:30:46Z")
My bad I thought from the title it was the GF who has the issues. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/49 "2014-09-16T13:31:26Z")
> [@](#): > > YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE BREAK UP PERIOD IN SOME WAY TO GET OVER IT. No she doesn’t. What she did while you two were broken up is None Of Your Business, and she doesn’t have to tell you about it. > [@](#): > > “hey, did you start anything during our break up that might be a problem to us now? and therefore how would you deal with it?” You have no right to ask the second question if you are not willing to trust her answer to the first. Once and for all - drop it. If there are current issues, they will come up, but you damn well better not be the one to raise them. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Amberlei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Amberlei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amberlei)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/50 "2014-09-16T13:39:33Z")
> [@timewilltell](#): > > At this point, I’d have to monitor her in the relationship for a time and see that she no longer does/says things that are just “off”. She would have to begin acting like GFs in the past that earned my trust. > > So, I’d have to instruct her in the ways of transparency and then hope it takes. From this, it looks as if you have major control issues. You shouldn’t go into a relationship thinking you’re going to change a person to make them fit a certain mold that would make them more acceptable to you. Either you take them and accept them as they are, or you walk away. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/51 "2014-09-16T13:40:20Z")
> [@timewilltell](#): > > So it is like an unreasonable concern so long as someone tells you that are being faithful to your face! Emotions can carry you to places that you’d never rationally buy a ticket for. I’m reading way too much emotion from you and it seems to be clouding, choking, and poisoning a lot of things around you. You can’t drive a car using a microscope as a windshield (and you and anyone with you will only end up hurt if you try). You both need more time apart or… an end to the relationship and a parting of ways. Running or bicycling or using a stair-master until your feelings pass (or at least level off) may also be a good idea. FTR- I don’t hate you, I’m not jealous of you, I’m not being cruel to you or picking on you. I don’t even know you. I know strong emotions when I read them is all. Good Luck with them. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/52 "2014-09-16T13:48:24Z")
> [@timewilltell](#): > > At this point, I’d have to monitor her in the relationship for a time and see that she no longer does/says things that are just “off”. She would have to begin acting like GFs in the past that earned my trust. > So, I’d have to instruct her in the ways of transparency and then hope it takes. :dubious: I had such high hopes for you… but this is way over the line creepy. I revise my earlier stance. She’s better off without YOU. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/53 "2014-09-16T13:57:52Z")
**timewilltell** , I want you to think about something. You are tying yourself up in knots about this, correct? You were worried before the breakup, you’re worried now, and, should the relationship continue, here’s what you have to look forward to: > [@timewilltell](#): > > -Snip- > > At this point, I’d have to monitor her in the relationship for a time and see that she no longer does/says things that are just “off”. She would have to begin acting like GFs in the past that earned my trust. > > -Snip- > > So, I’d have to instruct her in the ways of transparency and then hope it takes. And on top of that, you say: > [@timewilltell](#): > > -Snip- > > She was raised in a controlling and very dysfunctional household and so small lies are very natural to her. I don’t think she even thinks that something is a small lie before she states it. She speaks of lying to others all the time and shows no guilt. In fact, I can’t remember a sincere display of guilt or shame on her part, even when speaking of the past. > > -Snip- Is this really how you want to spend your time? And son, I’m going to tell you right now, in my opinion, she’s cheating. Period. Full Stop. So save yourself the heartache - you can’t change her, you can’t “fix” her, all you can do is walk away. ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Stilettos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/fbc32d/32.png) [@Red\_Stilettos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Stilettos)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/54 "2014-09-16T14:33:44Z")
Asking her if you are exclusive is fine and you should have that conversation. What isn’t fine is getting a “yes, we’re exclusive” and following up with a litany of questions about whether she was with anyone while you were apart, is there anything you need to put an end to, did you unknowingly flirt with anyone, have you had FB contact with your ex, etc. Her dealing with those issues is implicit in her answer of wanting to be exclusive. If you talked to me that way, I would find it controlling. I’m not a child. I understand what it means to be exclusive. As for the rest, you clearly don’t trust her. I don’t think the windburn (which could be medication), chapped lips (which happen to me when I’m dehydrated) and dry eyes (allergies, dehydration?) are the huge red flags you think they are. It’s more of a red flag that you think minor physical ailments are a sign that she MUST have screwed around with her ex. Also, if you know she lies, that’s enough if a reason to get out if the relationship. It doesn’t matter if she lied about this particular event or not. ---
**Author:** ![Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58956e/32.png) [@Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emtar_KronJonDerSohn)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/55 "2014-09-16T14:40:45Z")
> [@timewilltell](#): > > She was raised in a controlling and very dysfunctional household So THAT’S why she’s willing to date you… ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/56 "2014-09-16T15:03:16Z")
^^ qft ^^ ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/57 "2014-09-16T15:33:30Z")
I think anytime you see a change in patterns it is cause to at least be alert. Continued out of the ordinary behavior is almost certainly an indicator of something going on. In almost all cases the cheating party will lie about cheating so you really do have to trust your instinct To me you sound logical and like most in a relationship you want to give the other person the benefit of the doubt but you are finding it difficult. I say trust your gut feeling, if you feel like she is cheating and lieing she most likley is. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/58 "2014-09-16T15:37:47Z")
> [@Sahirrnee](#): > > My bad > I thought from the title it was the GF who has the issues. Yeah, this. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/59 "2014-09-16T15:52:27Z")
I’m totally with Saje on this. You’re way, way, WAY out of line, I’d be shining you the door right smartly! “…anything of concern, during breakup…”, of concern to whom? Who she interacted with and how, is not your business. How things were left? Either you trust her to do what is needed, or you don’t. And clearly, you don’t! “… not freaking unreasonable…” Sorry, but completely unreasonable and unbelievably controlling. You get to wade into all her other relationships and decide if they’ve been sufficiently cleaned up? That you feel the right to supervise or oversee another adults personal affairs in this fashion reveals something very ugly about you. I don’t know how young you are but I think you’re in for a painful life lesson on control and arrogance. I’m wishing you tons of Good Luck because I think you’ll need boatloads of it to turn this train wreck around! ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637/60 "2014-09-16T16:06:32Z")
Life is too short to live with that much angst. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-approach-gf-with-issues/698637.md?page=4)