# How to become the ultimate asshole **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 3, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186 "2010-05-03T18:18:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Happy\_Fun\_Ball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_fun_ball/32/17664_2.png) [@Happy\_Fun\_Ball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Fun_Ball)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/21 "2010-05-05T19:56:19Z")
Damn, I thought this thread was going to be about **Rand Rover** and was excited to join… Ah well. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/22 "2010-05-05T20:21:55Z")
> [@L. G. Butts](#): > > Damn, I thought this thread was going to be about **Rand Rover** and was excited to join… Ah well. I thought the reveal at the end was that he was talking about Michael Scott from _The Office_. Seriously, go back and read it again. It’s like a biography. God, I wish they’d just kill that fucking character in a fiery car crash. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/23 "2010-05-05T21:06:32Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Do you honestly think that people _here_ need further instructions?? Really. Many are doing just fine. A few could write the book. ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/24 "2010-05-05T21:14:59Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Still, I have to be honest - the most assholish rant responses come from **ivanastikov** or whatever his name is. The rest of you are just pretenders. Yayyyyyy! Recognition at last! Hang on a sec… :dubious: You’re lucky you are in The Pit, or I’d have cited the fuck out of you! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/25 "2010-05-05T21:38:00Z")
You know who is the all-time ultimate asshole? Hitler, that’s who. First he is the most evil man in all human history, which is something of an achievement, since Stalin is also in the running, along with Dick Cheney, Dick Nixon and Steve Jobs. But then, when the world is finally ready to laugh at the ultimate asshole (much like Mel Brooks recommended), he lawyers-up and get YouTube to take down all the Hitler Downfall rants. What an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/26 "2010-05-05T22:21:50Z")
> [@Gangster\_Octopus](#): > > Oh yeah, back in my day we didn’t even have sarcasm for our rants and we only had three swear words, one of which was “darn”. We had to work for our rants, dagnabb **it it**! Gotcha ya! ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/27 "2010-05-05T23:31:11Z")
I’m concerned. I don’t _want_ to be an asshole, but I _am_ better and smarter than pretty much everyone, and know more things than people, and really the only moral thing to do is to advise people when they’re wrong. Also, that gift sucked and it would be dishonest to say otherwise. I haven’t gone on longer trips than most people, though. Of course, you’d have to be an idiot to like to travel that much… ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/28 "2010-05-06T00:12:33Z")
Do you suffer from poor self-esteem? Never fear, you too can be an asshole! It’s a common misconception that assholery is the sole province of the arrogant and egotistical, but now even people with non-existent self-esteem can be total assholes by cultivating the Self-Loathing Narcissistic Personality! Just follow these easy steps: 1. You are inferior to everyone. Does this mean you’re not special? Of course not! Being weaker, poorer, clumsier, stupider and less attractive than anyone else means that you are needier than everyone else! You didn’t ask to be born this way, and it’s completely unfair of God and the Universe to have done this to you. Remember that **no one else understands you**. They cannot even imagine how disadvantaged you are, and how the advice everyone gives you on how to be happy and successful **can’t work for you**. 2. You are a victim. Therefore, nothing is your fault. You mean well, but between the shortcomings you bitterly hate and resent, and the continual bad luck a cruel and sadistic God dumps on you, the “true” you who is kind, patient and loving never has a chance to show. The reason other people endure without complaint things you do not is because pain hurts you so much more than it hurts everyone else. Everything you do that others bitterly criticize you for are simply the absolute necessities for you to cope with your condition. 3. Sadly, very few people will feel as sorry for you as you do for yourself. Remind yourself that THEY have never been crushed by life like you have, and if they had they’d sing a different tune. Remember that there are really two "you"s: the person you _want_ to be, the person you _intend_ to be- the “real” you in other words-- and that other person, the person you find yourself stuck in the position of being, the person you are **damned** to be. Think of it as having a conjoined twin who is a drooling imbecile. It is the tragedy of your life that you will take the blame for what this other person does, because no one can see the Real you. ---
**Author:** ![sqweels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f19dbf/32.png) [@sqweels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sqweels)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/29 "2010-05-06T04:08:14Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#): > > You know who is the all-time ultimate asshole? Hitler, that’s who. First he is the most evil man in all human history, which is something of an achievement. Ja, but Der Fuhrer vas a terrific dancer. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/30 "2010-05-06T04:16:12Z")
Everybody knows that! ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/31 "2010-05-06T04:19:58Z")
It’s not everyone that gets to meet my brother but it’s an unforgettable experience for the ones that do. My condolences and deepest apologies. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/32 "2010-05-06T04:31:40Z")
In my experience, a true neutron density asshole cannot be realized in its crystalline form unless the asshole can obtain some position of authority over others, however menial, however arbitrary. Only then can the true potential of an asshole be realized, only then can a rectal inversion collapse in on itself with enough gravity to form an anal event horizon, where all energy and information is trapped, and no light ever escapes. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/33 "2010-05-06T07:00:43Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > I’ve followed the steps you recommended in your OP, but to no avail: I’m still wonderful and beloved by all I encounter. What do I do now? Please help. Need more profanity, fucker. _Don’t_ take it too far and use racial epithets, or you will be branded as an asshole and a bigot. Nobody likes bigots. > [@otternell](#): > > If the above steps are not taking you to the full level of ultimate asshole as you desire, then allow me to recommend a few optional steps: > [ul] > [li]Always use a very loud voice, preferably with noticeable condescension literally dripping from your fangs [/li][li]Don’t ask questions, demand answers[/li][li]Understand that every comment made by a loser (that is everyone who is not you) is a plea for your assistance, advice and wisdom. Feel free to shower the losers with your wisdom at every moment.[/li][li]Insist upon knowing colleagues (those not within your department) whereabouts and status at every moment.[/li][/ul] > > These additional steps should assist with your desired assholish upgrade. This is shitty advice, and you talk way too fucking much. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/34 "2010-05-06T08:54:36Z")
The oldsters stand around the water cooler long after their break is over and sing a response to **elucidator** : “You are the ass of the universe. Much less than the echo of ducks, you have no right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the meter of your parodies will never work out right…” ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/35 "2010-05-06T12:34:05Z")
So you think that **your** co worker is the ultimate asshole ? In your dreams ! Mine is a hundred times more of an asshole then yours. If it wasn’t for the fact that I earn two hundred thousand pounds a year and frequently have to fly abroad to exotic locations to stay at five star hotels on expenses I’d probably pack the job in. Yes he’s that much of an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/36 "2010-05-06T14:44:09Z")
> [@Pduol](#): > > Being an asshole is a very rewarding experience. It will allow you the freedom to concentrate solely on yourself and your own wants. You will never again have to worry about other people, and their needs and feelings. Being weighed down by friends and their incessant demands will become a thing of the past. Perhaps the best reward of being an asshole is that you can feel superior to everyone in your community, state, nation, or even the world! For some people, the necessary philosophies for becoming an asshole are already in place, they only need some refining. Others will need to change their entire attitude. It takes some commitment, but with dedication and perseverance, you can adopt the needed mindset and be on your way. There are three guiding principles that, if followed, will guarantee that you can become the ultimate asshole. > > The first principle is the most important. You must come to believe that you are more important than, and superior to, everyone else. You are the only one that matters. Your entire demeanor must shout at everyone you meet that they are not important. Their desires and feelings are of no consequence. This is possibly a difficult attitude to nurture, but it is essential if you want to become the ultimate jerk. Vigilance is crucial. Be on guard at all times for thoughts that someone else, other than yourself, has any degree of value. If this thought crops up, it should be immediately replaced by thoughts about how superior you are to them. > > Some of the people that you meet are complete losers. With them this attitude will be no problem. Other people that you run into may be well adjusted, friendly, good looking, or any number of redeeming qualities. With these people you may have to examine every aspect of both them and you, but it is imperative that you find something that makes you better than them. Everyone has some bad qualities. Find these in the other person and use them to your advantage. This will become easier with practice. Once you have found something that makes you superior, Only think about that one thing. If you get in a conversation with this person, bring it up. Be sure to expound on it and talk about your ability and their ineptitude. The person in question will most likely not want to become friends with you, nor will they have any respect for you. You don’t want to be their friend anyway, because they are so far beneath you. > > Mastery of the first principle is crucial to becoming the ultimate asshole. You must believe with every fiber of your being that you are superior to everyone else. Faking this belief is not an option. Regular assholes can get away with faking it. But to become the ultimate asshole you must believe it with everything you have > > Now that you believe in your own superiority, the second principle is to prove your superiority to everybody that you meet. There are a number of different ways to accomplish this. > > The easiest way is to one-up everyone that you get into a conversation with. For example, if someone tells you that their hi-score in bowling is 223, you should tell them about the 300 game you bowled last week. If an acquaintance tells you about their trip to a neighboring state, tell them about your trip across the country. If their trip was across the country, yours was to Canada or Mexico. Try to interrupt them before they finish their story and then dominate the conversation with yours. It is always good if your one-up happens to be true, but truth is not what is really important. What is important is that you illustrate your superiority in every conversation you have. > > You must be careful, though. You don’t want to one-up someone with a lie that can be proven false. For example, when you overhear a guy saying that his car can accelerate from zero to sixty in five seconds, it would be futile to casually mention that your car can do it in four seconds if it is a well know fact that you drive a 1972 Ford Pinto. At this point, if you are a regular asshole, you would probably have to walk away dejected because you do not have a better story to tell. However, to become the ultimate asshole, you have to think on your feet. You have to be able to come up with half truths and outright lies in an instant. Remember that your goal is to prove your superiority using any methods necessary. The correct ultimate asshole response in this scenario is to recall a car that you used to have, and talk about it’s acceleration abilities. This way, it can’t be proven false. You can also fabricate the reason you don’t have the car anymore. Perhaps you totaled it while running from the cops because they were trying to break up your illegal street racing operation. It would be a good idea to tell this story loud enough to be heard in a three-quarter mile radius. The volume at which you tell any story should increase with the sensationalism. > > Of course, one-upping, while being the easiest, is not the only way to prove your superiority. Another very effective method is to become an expert on any subject. It does not really matter if you know anything about the subject you are talking about as long as the people you are talking to know even less. At a dinner party, you could complain loudly that the wine served was not an appropriate choice to go with the meal. Make sure it is clear to everyone present that you would have picked a different vintage and year. At a football game, after a bad play by your team, criticize them for the bad call. Explain to everyone around you the play you would have called in that situation, and why it would have worked. If you here someone complaining about rush hour traffic, tell them exactly how the freeway designers messed up. Then tell them the way you would have designed it so there would be no bottlenecks. > > The third principle is to develop assholish behaviors. This is a broad category and can encompass many different activities. The main goal here is to offend or annoy as many people as possible. Be as disrespectful as possible towards everyone, especially elders and authority figures. Blare out a long string of obscenities with a bunch of children present. If you receive a gift, don’t be grateful. Criticize it instead. Degrade and insult people that you come in contact with. It’s easy to do once you get the hang of it. > It takes time and patience to become a full-fledged ultimate asshole. Do not make light work of it. If you persevere, these three principles will become your guiding light. You will be able to join the ranks of ultimate assholes everywhere. > > Signed, > Pduol’s Coworker, The most ultimate of ultimate assholes! Shit man…you are a whiner. Why are you wasting my time with your silly whining? Sheesh. Hell, when I did a rant just last week, it was on something worthwhile and important and was much more ranty than that dribble above. You must be one of those fat, short, bald, hippy teabagger types…or a retard, homo or a woman. ---
**Author:** ![gonzomax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gonzomax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzomax)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/37 "2010-05-06T15:28:32Z")
> [@Pduol](#): > > Being an asshole is a very rewarding experience. It will allow you the freedom to concentrate solely on yourself and your own wants. You will never again have to worry about other people, and their needs and feelings. Being weighed down by friends and their incessant demands will become a thing of the past. Perhaps the best reward of being an asshole is that you can feel superior to everyone in your community, state, nation, or even the world! For some people, the necessary philosophies for becoming an asshole are already in place, they only need some refining. Others will need to change their entire attitude. It takes some commitment, but with dedication and perseverance, you can adopt the needed mindset and be on your way. There are three guiding principles that, if followed, will guarantee that you can become the ultimate asshole. > > The first principle is the most important. You must come to believe that you are more important than, and superior to, everyone else. You are the only one that matters. Your entire demeanor must shout at everyone you meet that they are not important. Their desires and feelings are of no consequence. This is possibly a difficult attitude to nurture, but it is essential if you want to become the ultimate jerk. Vigilance is crucial. Be on guard at all times for thoughts that someone else, other than yourself, has any degree of value. If this thought crops up, it should be immediately replaced by thoughts about how superior you are to them. > > Some of the people that you meet are complete losers. With them this attitude will be no problem. Other people that you run into may be well adjusted, friendly, good looking, or any number of redeeming qualities. With these people you may have to examine every aspect of both them and you, but it is imperative that you find something that makes you better than them. Everyone has some bad qualities. Find these in the other person and use them to your advantage. This will become easier with practice. Once you have found something that makes you superior, Only think about that one thing. If you get in a conversation with this person, bring it up. Be sure to expound on it and talk about your ability and their ineptitude. The person in question will most likely not want to become friends with you, nor will they have any respect for you. You don’t want to be their friend anyway, because they are so far beneath you. > > Mastery of the first principle is crucial to becoming the ultimate asshole. You must believe with every fiber of your being that you are superior to everyone else. Faking this belief is not an option. Regular assholes can get away with faking it. But to become the ultimate asshole you must believe it with everything you have > > Now that you believe in your own superiority, the second principle is to prove your superiority to everybody that you meet. There are a number of different ways to accomplish this. > > The easiest way is to one-up everyone that you get into a conversation with. For example, if someone tells you that their hi-score in bowling is 223, you should tell them about the 300 game you bowled last week. If an acquaintance tells you about their trip to a neighboring state, tell them about your trip across the country. If their trip was across the country, yours was to Canada or Mexico. Try to interrupt them before they finish their story and then dominate the conversation with yours. It is always good if your one-up happens to be true, but truth is not what is really important. What is important is that you illustrate your superiority in every conversation you have. > > You must be careful, though. You don’t want to one-up someone with a lie that can be proven false. For example, when you overhear a guy saying that his car can accelerate from zero to sixty in five seconds, it would be futile to casually mention that your car can do it in four seconds if it is a well know fact that you drive a 1972 Ford Pinto. At this point, if you are a regular asshole, you would probably have to walk away dejected because you do not have a better story to tell. However, to become the ultimate asshole, you have to think on your feet. You have to be able to come up with half truths and outright lies in an instant. Remember that your goal is to prove your superiority using any methods necessary. The correct ultimate asshole response in this scenario is to recall a car that you used to have, and talk about it’s acceleration abilities. This way, it can’t be proven false. You can also fabricate the reason you don’t have the car anymore. Perhaps you totaled it while running from the cops because they were trying to break up your illegal street racing operation. It would be a good idea to tell this story loud enough to be heard in a three-quarter mile radius. The volume at which you tell any story should increase with the sensationalism. > > Of course, one-upping, while being the easiest, is not the only way to prove your superiority. Another very effective method is to become an expert on any subject. It does not really matter if you know anything about the subject you are talking about as long as the people you are talking to know even less. At a dinner party, you could complain loudly that the wine served was not an appropriate choice to go with the meal. Make sure it is clear to everyone present that you would have picked a different vintage and year. At a football game, after a bad play by your team, criticize them for the bad call. Explain to everyone around you the play you would have called in that situation, and why it would have worked. If you here someone complaining about rush hour traffic, tell them exactly how the freeway designers messed up. Then tell them the way you would have designed it so there would be no bottlenecks. > > The third principle is to develop assholish behaviors. This is a broad category and can encompass many different activities. The main goal here is to offend or annoy as many people as possible. Be as disrespectful as possible towards everyone, especially elders and authority figures. Blare out a long string of obscenities with a bunch of children present. If you receive a gift, don’t be grateful. Criticize it instead. Degrade and insult people that you come in contact with. It’s easy to do once you get the hang of it. > It takes time and patience to become a full-fledged ultimate asshole. Do not make light work of it. If you persevere, these three principles will become your guiding light. You will be able to join the ranks of ultimate assholes everywhere. > > Signed, > Pduol’s Coworker, The most ultimate of ultimate assholes! I write much better pits than that. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/38 "2010-05-06T15:41:10Z")
> [@gonzomax](#): > > I write much better pits than that. You idgit! He had 3 points…not one! ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/39 "2010-05-06T15:59:36Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > Need more profanity, fucker. Believe me, I’ve tried. I called my next door neighbor a dried-up old cunt and she just pinched my cheek. Later that day she brought me a pie she had baked just for me. I called her a cunt again, but I took the pie. It was pretty good. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186/40 "2010-05-06T17:00:44Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Believe me, I’ve tried. I called my next door neighbor a dried-up old cunt and she just pinched my cheek. Later that day she brought me a pie she had baked just for me. I called her a cunt again, but I took the pie. It was pretty good. Do you know _everything_ she put in the pie? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-become-the-ultimate-asshole/538186.md?page=3)