# How to, by the numbers **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [April 18, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891 "2008-04-18T14:35:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/261 "2008-05-08T19:03:13Z")
Oh good, you got the memo. I need some dictation. What do you do with the sexual harassment suit this generates? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/262 "2008-05-08T19:10:10Z")
[QUOTE=Oredigger77] Oh good, you got the memo. I need some dictation. What do you do with the sexual harassment suit this generates? [/QUOTE] Spin it to say that it proves “the system works.” How do you work to add more random acts of kindness to the pool? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/263 "2008-05-08T19:15:02Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] How do you work to add more random acts of kindness to the pool? [/QUOTE] Mix them in with the chlorine. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/264 "2008-05-08T19:18:44Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] How much wood would a woodchuck chuck? [/QUOTE] Bzzt! Not a how-to question; try again. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2008, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/265 "2008-05-09T14:24:00Z")
How do you keep a game thread from dying when someone makes an illegal move? ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2008, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/266 "2008-05-09T14:38:56Z")
Take it into your own hands and get it rolling. How do you not take a half day when the rest of the office is at a golf turnament? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2008, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/267 "2008-05-09T17:14:53Z")
[QUOTE=Oredigger77] How do you not take a half day when the rest of the office is at a golf turnament? [/QUOTE] Spend the extra time writing “how-to” instructions for Dopers. How do you get a woodchuck to chuck more wood? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2008, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/268 "2008-05-09T21:55:03Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] How do you get a woodchuck to chuck more wood? [/QUOTE] Provide financial incentives. How do you kick a Dr. Phil addiction? ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2008, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/269 "2008-05-11T05:43:21Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you kick a Dr. Phil addiction? [/QUOTE] Replace it with soap opera addiction. How do you know if you are sane? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2008, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/270 "2008-05-11T09:47:37Z")
You don’t watch daytime TV. How do you fix a cracked sidewalk? ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/271 "2008-05-12T00:16:36Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you fix a cracked sidewalk? [/QUOTE] Chill beer, chisel out crack, clean debris, fill, drink beer. How do you win the Stanley Cup? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/272 "2008-05-12T13:39:24Z")
Win more hockey games than everyone else. Duh! How do you feign an interest in professional sports? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/273 "2008-05-12T16:18:46Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you feign an interest in professional sports? [/QUOTE] Determine leader. Say “I think they’re going all the way.” How do you trim a dog’s toenails without making them bleed? ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/274 "2008-05-12T19:01:51Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] Determine leader. Say “I think they’re going all the way.” How do you trim a dog’s toenails without making them bleed? [/QUOTE] Take pooch for walks on rough surfaces (head toward groomer). How do you trim a cat’s claws without getting bloodied? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/275 "2008-05-12T19:56:23Z")
[QUOTE=Rhythmdvl] How do you trim a cat’s claws without getting bloodied? [/QUOTE] Put them kittens on their backs and handle their feet. (seriously - this works. One of my cats lays in my lap and purrs when I trim his claws. Another has been known to fall asleep while I was trimming his) How do you trim a grizzly bear’s claws? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/276 "2008-05-12T20:18:01Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] How do you trim a grizzly bear’s claws? [/QUOTE] Same way you give a circumcision to an angry gorilla. How do you grow one’s arms four to six inches, while leaving both limbs still usable? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/277 "2008-05-12T20:39:30Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] How do you grow one’s arms four to six inches, while leaving both limbs still usable? [/QUOTE] Start with a three-year old and be patient. How do you change the oil in a car? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/278 "2008-05-12T20:50:53Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you change the oil in a car? [/QUOTE] Take it to a mechanic. Duh, why do it yourself? How can you tell how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/279 "2008-05-12T21:15:24Z")
One; get a power drill and water as a lubricant. How do you convince the kid this is a valid answer? ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2008, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/280 "2008-05-12T22:10:23Z")
Threaten them with the power drill until they agree. How do you convince CPS that you’re just kidding? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=15)