# How to, by the numbers **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [April 18, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891 "2008-04-18T14:35:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/21 "2008-04-19T05:33:22Z")
[QUOTE=HongKongFooey] Start a thread, call it “How to, by the numbers” How do you become a movie star? [/QUOTE] Look hot; acting lessons; small theater; awesome agent. How do you wash dishes? ---
**Author:** ![Parthol](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/dec6dc/32.png) [@Parthol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parthol)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/22 "2008-04-19T05:39:11Z")
[QUOTE=ZipperJJ] How do you wash dishes? [/QUOTE] Stuff dishwasher beyond capacity. Add soap. Run. Curse residual crust. How do you learn to juggle? ---
**Author:** ![Boozahol\_Squid\_P.I](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d9b06d/32.png) [@Boozahol\_Squid\_P.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boozahol_Squid_P.I)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/23 "2008-04-19T06:33:45Z")
[QUOTE=Parthol] Stuff dishwasher beyond capacity. Add soap. Run. Curse residual crust. How do you learn to juggle? [/QUOTE] Find a bunch of objects. Drop them sequentially. Fail repeatedly. How do you become a pirate? ---
**Author:** ![GameHat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ed655f/32.png) [@GameHat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GameHat)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/24 "2008-04-19T06:39:12Z")
[QUOTE=Diomedes] Find a bunch of objects. Drop them sequentially. Fail repeatedly. How do you become a pirate? [/QUOTE] Put out one eye. Apply patch. Sprinkle speech with “ARRRRRrrrrrrr!” How do you handle when you’re in a public restroom stall and realize that no toilet paper remains? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/25 "2008-04-19T08:03:04Z")
Having had foresight, fish around in purse for emergency napkin. How do you do lucid dreaming? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/26 "2008-04-19T12:44:11Z")
[Prepare; remember; keep journal; recognize themes; link dreamworld and reality.](http://www.consciousdreaming.com/lucid-dreaming/how-to-lucid-dream.htm). How do you get Pitted? ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/27 "2008-04-19T15:46:01Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] [Prepare; remember; keep journal; recognize themes; link dreamworld and reality.](http://www.consciousdreaming.com/lucid-dreaming/how-to-lucid-dream.htm). How do you get Pitted? [/QUOTE] Say, “Gays recruit, Jesus saves, Bush rocks, kittens should die.” \* How do you play the piano? - Just in case it’s not clear, I don’t believe these things, but I think they’d sure garner a Pitting! ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/28 "2008-04-19T15:52:38Z")
[QUOTE=Spoons] How do you play the piano? [/QUOTE] Sit at piano. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. How do you cook a romantic meal? ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/29 "2008-04-19T15:54:45Z")
[QUOTE=Spoons] How do you play the piano? [/QUOTE] Hit correct keys at correct time with correct force. How do you get through the work day? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/30 "2008-04-19T16:04:00Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] How do you cook a romantic meal? [/QUOTE] Plan; shop; cook; don’t burn anything; light candles; pour wine. How do you get through the work day? ---
**Author:** ![Boozahol\_Squid\_P.I](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d9b06d/32.png) [@Boozahol\_Squid\_P.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boozahol_Squid_P.I)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/31 "2008-04-19T16:34:33Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] Plan; shop; cook; don’t burn anything; light candles; pour wine. How do you get through the work day? [/QUOTE] Sleep with eyes open through meetings. Arrange e-mail. Then, Dope! ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/32 "2008-04-19T18:10:45Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] Plan; shop; cook; don’t burn anything; light candles; pour wine. How do you get through the work day? [/QUOTE] Since no new suggestions was given. Starbucks, vente; fight colleagues for jobs (really); surf. converse, knosh. How do handle a hungry man? ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/33 "2008-04-19T22:39:44Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] How do handle a hungry man? [/QUOTE] Remove cardboard, poke holes in plastic, cook in oven 😉 How do you stop a charging Rhino? ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/34 "2008-04-19T22:57:43Z")
[QUOTE=HongKongFooey] Remove cardboard, poke holes in plastic, cook in oven 😉 How do you stop a charging Rhino? [/QUOTE] Take away its hefty line of credit. Isn’t that obvious? How do you build a kite? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2008, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/35 "2008-04-20T02:18:49Z")
[QUOTE=freckafree] How do you build a kite? [/QUOTE] According to Bradbury, with old circus posters. Tail of children. How do you combat creeping disillusionment? ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2008, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/36 "2008-04-20T04:06:56Z")
Read old books; chocolate; watch children play; use baseball bat How do you give a cat a bath? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2008, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/37 "2008-04-20T04:19:40Z")
Clean toilet. Add soap. Drop Cat in. Cover. Flush. Release. How do you artificially inseminate a cow? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2008, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/38 "2008-04-20T04:28:12Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] How do you artificially inseminate a cow? [/QUOTE] Dinner, movie, existential conversation, turkey baster, get phone number, run! How do you impress a teenager? ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2008, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/39 "2008-04-20T04:42:57Z")
[QUOTE=brujaja] How do you impress a teenager? [/QUOTE] Just, like, you know, don’t like, just, what-_everrrr_ How do you write a hit song? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2008, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/40 "2008-04-20T06:41:35Z")
[QUOTE=HongKongFooey] Just, like, you know, don’t like, just, what-_everrrr_ How do you write a hit song? [/QUOTE] 😃 tee hee! You must have some! Ahem. Hit song: Experience pain. Write it out. Melody has hooks, doesn’t suck. (Or, “Ask Brujaja. I gotta million of 'em.”) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=3)