# How to, by the numbers **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [April 18, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891 "2008-04-18T14:35:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/61 "2008-04-21T12:04:31Z")
Skim _National Enquirer_, lust for candy, fidget, grumble, unload cart. How do you make a million dollars? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/62 "2008-04-21T13:04:22Z")
Be the “civilian” in a celeb sex scandal; sell story. How do you deal with insomnia? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/63 "2008-04-21T13:21:47Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you deal with insomnia? [/QUOTE] Shop hardware store. Get rawhide mallet. Apply directly to forehead! How do you deal with headaches? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/64 "2008-04-21T13:24:58Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] How do you deal with headaches? 😉 [/QUOTE] Hit head with hammer less, or more. Your call. How do you defend yourself from an army of angry five year olds? ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Sensitive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/58956e/32.png) [@Darth\_Sensitive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Sensitive)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/65 "2008-04-21T14:44:46Z")
With an uzi, large amounts of ammunition, and some love. How do you steal the Crown Jewels? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/66 "2008-04-21T15:54:51Z")
Lower yourself in from above, dodging laser rays of alarms. How do you win _American Idol_? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/67 "2008-04-21T16:16:37Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you win _American Idol_? [/QUOTE] Don’t Practice. Don’t practice. Don’t practice. Practice just a little. How do you make a lefthand turn in heavy traffic? ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Sensitive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/58956e/32.png) [@Darth\_Sensitive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Sensitive)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/68 "2008-04-21T18:02:20Z")
Turn on lights and siren. Zip through. Turn them off. How do you deal with an alien infestation? ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/69 "2008-04-21T19:17:45Z")
Run, scream, plot, die, more runing, screaming, sneeze on them. How do you get up the will to go to work every day? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/70 "2008-04-21T20:39:52Z")
Get up and dressed before regaining full consciousness; keep going. How do you make a hand puppet? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/71 "2008-04-21T20:47:25Z")
Cut hand off corpse. Embalm hand. Attach strings to tendons. How do you BBQ a roast suckling pig? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/72 "2008-04-21T20:49:07Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you make a hand puppet? [/QUOTE] Get him to run, get him elected; insert Cheney’s hand. (apologies for injecting politics) How can Obama win PA tomorrow? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2008, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/73 "2008-04-21T21:39:44Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] How do you BBQ a roast suckling pig? [/QUOTE] Sorry, I missed this one: Buy ticket to Memphis, have my Aunt Sister do her thang! How can Obama win PA tomorrow? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2008, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/74 "2008-04-22T12:46:44Z")
Hope like hell the Philly turnout is enough to prevail. How do you mend a broken heart? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2008, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/75 "2008-04-22T16:06:45Z")
You don’t. They work even when broken. How do you keep a manicure for more than 5 minutes? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2008, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/76 "2008-04-23T12:50:59Z")
You don’t. Unless you lead an uninteresting life, of course. How do you count cards? ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2008, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/77 "2008-04-23T13:24:36Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you count cards? [/QUOTE] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven and so on. How do you write poetry so bad that you’ll be remembered for it? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2008, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/78 "2008-04-23T13:53:50Z")
Become famous. Write bad poetry. Use fame to promote poetry. How does one commit regicide? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2008, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/79 "2008-04-23T15:01:44Z")
Beheadings (with or without guillotine) and firing squads are popular. How do you dress to impress? ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2008, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/80 "2008-04-23T15:47:11Z")
Buy expensive clothes. Wear no underpants when exiting fancy cars. How do you hang a picture on the wall? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=5)