# How to, by the numbers **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [April 18, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891 "2008-04-18T14:35:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/101 "2008-04-25T16:20:36Z")
[QUOTE=HongKongFooey] Yank it like a monkey in a Mango Tree [BBC NEWS | Health | Masturbation 'cuts cancer risk'](http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3072021.stm) How do you mend a broken heart? [/QUOTE] Chocolate, wild monkey sex, chocolate, booze, chocolate, superglue, chocolate, time. How do you quit a book club? ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/102 "2008-04-25T16:49:48Z")
[QUOTE=SmartAleq] Chocolate, wild monkey sex, chocolate, booze, chocolate, superglue, chocolate, time. How do you quit a book club? [/QUOTE] Booze, superglue and wild monkey sex at the next meeting. How do you tell if an octopus is a boy octopus or a girl octopus? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/103 "2008-04-25T17:02:24Z")
[QUOTE=ultrafilter] Booze, superglue and wild monkey sex at the next meeting. How do you tell if an octopus is a boy octopus or a girl octopus? [/QUOTE] How many tentacles down pantsfront as he/she watches TV. How do you tell a very young child a pet has died. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/104 "2008-04-25T17:06:14Z")
Died? Don’t you mean “has gone to the farm”? How do you talk your way out of a speeding ticket? ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/105 "2008-04-25T17:29:36Z")
“Hi,Officer. I just got back from Iraq. Good Day!” How do you fly fish? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/106 "2008-04-25T17:58:03Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] Check orientation [/QUOTE] (I was drinking coffee when I read this. You do not owe me a new monitor, but you do need to clean my glasses) Add wings, propellers, engines, fuel. How do you find the time? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/107 "2008-04-25T18:20:48Z")
[QUOTE=Little Plastic Ninja] (I was drinking coffee when I read this. You do not owe me a new monitor, but you do need to clean my glasses) Add wings, propellers, engines, fuel. How do you find the time? [/QUOTE] Call up Morris Day, ask what they’re doing these days. How do you miss the broad side of a barn? _:: proffers tissue (and thanks) ::_ ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/108 "2008-04-25T18:29:36Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] How do you miss the broad side of a barn? [/QUOTE] Look at the narrow side, aim carefully, and fire. How do you bowl a perfect game? ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/109 "2008-04-25T18:38:05Z")
Drink a beer, bowl a strike. Drink more beer; 300. How do you convince your wife you were bowling and not at a bar? ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/110 "2008-04-25T18:38:28Z")
[QUOTE=Asimovian] How do you bowl a perfect game? [/QUOTE] Knock down all the pins, repeat twelve times, gloat How do you get a cat out from a tree? Never mind I like **Oredigger77** ’s answer better 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/111 "2008-04-25T20:33:44Z")
[QUOTE=HongKongFooey] How do you get a cat out from a tree? [/QUOTE] Don heavy gloves. Climb tree. Grab cat. Struggle. Fall. Ouch. LEFTOVER UNANSWERED ANSWER FROM POST 109: [QUOTE=Oredigger77] How do you convince your wife you were bowling and not at a bar? [/QUOTE] Get powder on pants, spray shoes, brag about your score. EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS ANSWER: [QUOTE=twickster] How do you make a French braid? [/QUOTE] Take hostages. Threaten to hurt them if he doesn’t braid. How do you make a Doper only answer one question instead of three? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/112 "2008-04-25T20:37:52Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] How do you make a Doper only answer one question instead of three? [/QUOTE] Be certain the question doesn’t involve Opal in any way. What is 14 k of g in a f p d? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/113 "2008-04-25T21:12:30Z")
[QUOTE=Asimovian] What is 14 k of g in a f p d? [/QUOTE] Perhaps fourteen kilograms of gravy in a fondue pot: delicious! (that wasn’t actually a “how-to” question) How do you dance with the devil under a full moon? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/114 "2008-04-25T21:48:53Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] How do you dance with the devil under a full moon? [/QUOTE] Very carefully. Very, very, very, very, very, very, very carefully. How do you remember whether you turned down the thermostat at night? ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/115 "2008-04-25T21:55:04Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you remember whether you turned down the thermostat at night? [/QUOTE] Slip foot out of covers. How do you make a cappachino? ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/116 "2008-04-25T23:50:30Z")
[QUOTE=Danalan] How do you make a cappachino? [/QUOTE] Make a caffé latte with less milk. How do you convince Turkish soldiers not to look in the hidden compartment at the bottom of your camera case? ETA: Hurry! ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/117 "2008-04-26T02:33:54Z")
Distract them by joking about their funny hats. Just as well, maybe, that you didn’t get this one very soon. How do you make a perfect martini? ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/118 "2008-04-26T02:43:06Z")
Pour vodka in martini glass add splash of vodka: martini. How do you find a 25 year old girl to go to a Beach Boys concert? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/119 "2008-04-26T02:45:51Z")
Ask Eliot Spitzer for his little black book. Bring cash. How do you clean a non-self-cleaning oven? ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/120 "2008-04-26T04:00:31Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] Ask Eliot Spitzer for his little black book. Bring cash. How do you clean a non-self-cleaning oven? [/QUOTE] Take off, nuke from orbit, only way to be sure. How do you install Windows Vista? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=7)