# How to, by the numbers **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [April 18, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891 "2008-04-18T14:35:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/121 "2008-04-26T05:20:17Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] Perhaps fourteen kilograms of gravy in a fondue pot: delicious! (that wasn’t actually a “how-to” question) [/QUOTE] :smack: In my effort to be a smart-ass, I forgot the point of the game. My apologies. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/122 "2008-04-26T05:30:56Z")
[QUOTE=SmartAleq] Take off, nuke from orbit, only way to be sure. How do you install Windows Vista? [/QUOTE] Insert CD; click OK; pray. How do you clean the fridge? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/123 "2008-04-26T06:06:05Z")
Bag, tag, and store for decay. Then get new fridge. How does one convince the landlord to replace various appliances? (stove and fridge, in case anyone is curious.) ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/124 "2008-04-26T06:09:40Z")
never mind ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/125 "2008-04-26T06:12:10Z")
Find energy-waster appliance buyback program. Give him the money. How do you shake a groovy thing if it has knurling on it? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/126 "2008-04-26T11:03:27Z")
With a rakish flick of the thumb. (Thanks for the laugh, **brujaja**!) How do you cheer up someone who just lost her job? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/127 "2008-04-26T11:36:25Z")
Tell her she’s one of your favorite role models? How do you make the coconut cream they put in piña coladas? ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/128 "2008-04-26T11:36:42Z")
Rent a clown. What? Doesn’t everyone enjoy clowns. Nice dinner. How do you stop from waking up at 5 am on the weekends? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/129 "2008-04-26T12:08:00Z")
Stay up all night. What I said, about the coconut. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/130 "2008-04-26T13:03:31Z")
(Thanks **brujaja**!) [Simmer shredded coconut, water; strain well; cool; cream will rise.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconut_cream) How do you woo a clown? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/131 "2008-04-26T17:23:48Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] How do you woo a clown? [/QUOTE] Get horn that makes “woo” sound. Squeeze. Flirt. Squeeze again. How do you handle a hungry man? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/132 "2008-04-26T17:32:59Z")
[QUOTE=InvisibleWombat] Get horn that makes “woo” sound. Squeeze. Flirt. Squeeze again. How do you handle a hungry man? [/QUOTE] Like [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=9708224&postcount=33). 😉 ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/133 "2008-04-26T17:38:23Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] Like [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=9708224&postcount=33). 😉 [/QUOTE] Obviously great minds think alike! 😉 How do you deal with geniuses? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/134 "2008-04-26T20:03:52Z")
Set them to work babysitting and cleaning houses. Humor ensues. How do you like to celebrate May Day? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/135 "2008-04-26T20:47:39Z")
[QUOTE=brujaja] How do you like to celebrate May Day? [/QUOTE] Don blonde wig, tight dress; swish hips, purr. Hilarity ensues. How do you put a colicky baby to sleep? ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/136 "2008-04-26T20:57:45Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] How do you put a colicky baby to sleep? [/QUOTE] Have the vet do it. How do you defend yourself against accusations of vileness and poor taste? ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/137 "2008-04-26T22:24:48Z")
::sigh:: I’m not all the way through yet…but this joke just has to be told. > [@Darth Sensetive](#): > > How do you deal with an alien infestation? Nuke them from orbit. Only way to be sure. How do you learn magic? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/138 "2008-04-26T22:31:53Z")
[QUOTE=ultrafilter] How do you defend yourself against accusations of vileness and poor taste? [/QUOTE] Find someone with worse taste, who inspired your pale imitations. > [@pedescribe](#): > > How do you learn magic? Like this. No, like that. The other way. Fuck it! How do you deal with extraneous kittens? ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/139 "2008-04-26T22:41:43Z")
> [@otoku loki](#): > > How do you deal with extraneous kittens? Take picture. Make sign. Hang sign. Sell. Repeat. How do you dodge a bullet? ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891/140 "2008-04-26T23:54:03Z")
By never having pissed them off in the first place. How do you stop eating blackberry pie? (freezer died; had to make 3 pies!) P.S. **5-4-Fighting** : I figure you could be asking for real, because who else would ask that? If so, the popular answers are 1) Daddy’s voice, 2) put them on top of the clothesdryer while it’s running – they like the vibrations (needless to say, this is ONLY if your dryer is well-vented), and, 3) take them for a ride in the car or a walk outside. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-by-the-numbers/445891.md?page=8)