# How to deal with out of proportion reactions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 14, 2013, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929 "2013-03-14T16:32:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/1 "2013-03-14T16:32:39Z")
Early this morning, I sent a calm, formatted normally e-mail to my parents upset that my Dad had rearranged my furniture while I wasn’t there (he had originally told me he’d be there while I was still home, delays meant I had left for the day) Received reply, waited to read it, should’ve continued to wait. It was a caps lock screed calling me an ingrate, using a discredited diagnosis of me they came up with themselves (to get themselves off the hook for how I turned out). If this means we never speak again, so be it! At least my Fridays will be free. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/2 "2013-03-14T16:39:58Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > It was a caps lock screed calling me an ingrate, using a discredited diagnosis of me they came up with themselves. > [@etv78](#): > > If this means we never speak again, so be it! Sorry, which out of proportion reaction should we be giving advice on dealing with? ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/3 "2013-03-14T16:42:41Z")
Well, I prefer liquor myself but really any mood-altering substance should do the trick. (I can’t even imagine how I would react to my dad re-arranging my furniture. Confusion, I think, mostly.) ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/4 "2013-03-14T17:01:38Z")
etv78, I think you should use this opportunity as a mirror to look into your own propensity to react completely out of proportion. It’s been my experience that you tend to meet disagreement on this board with all caps, exclamations and other reactions that are way out of proportion with the actual issue at hand. Maybe this is behavior that you’ve learned from your parents, or maybe your parents are so used to you doing it to them that this is a pre-emptive attack, so to speak. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/5 "2013-03-14T17:09:38Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > If this means we never speak again, so be it! I have to agree, some out of proportion reactions are hard to deal with. Most likely, he’s used to you by now, and has already forgiven you. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/6 "2013-03-14T17:15:57Z")
**Munch** -You’re probably right that I fly off too easily. Dunno if I learned _from_ them, or as defense to them. **panache** -They also want to meet with Case manager and psychologist. (I vehemently oppose this idea, and they know this) We’ll talk in a couple weeks, and if we can’t do so calmly, water under the bridge. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/7 "2013-03-14T17:36:03Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > my Dad had rearranged my furniture while I wasn’t there (he had originally told me he’d be there while I was still home, I’d appreciate some clarification here. What does “rearranged” mean to you? Was he swapping the positions of a significant percentage of your furniture, or did he move the recliner to a spot in front of the TV? Was your dad’s visit specifically to rearrange your furniture, or for some other purpose? If he was visiting to rearrange your furniture, is it reasonable to think that he was genuinely trying to help you out, rather than shitting all over your home? ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/8 "2013-03-14T17:51:56Z")
Anything that involves telling my parents I am upset with them … does NOT go in an email. That was your mistake right out of the gate. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/9 "2013-03-14T17:57:47Z")
**Cheese** -He was bringing over a loveseat (originally planned a couch IIRC) I live in a 1 BR, FWIW. He placed it in the middle of the room, and moved a bookcase (exposing the wires for a TV and cable box) in to the corner. He also previously had brought over a coffee table and end table, also a kitchen set, which I DEFINITELY appreciated (now I can make my lunch on that and not my kitchen counter) :). I’m in a wheelchair, and am alone for 22 hours a day. No need for the extemporaneous seating. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/10 "2013-03-14T18:02:03Z")
So you got upset because your dad brought you free furniture that you absolutely needed, but got upset that he didn’t return every single thing in your apartment to the way it was? My advice? Get over it, and apologize to your parents. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/11 "2013-03-14T18:43:31Z")
Two things. If you didn’t want the loveseat or coffee table, you needed to tell your parents that, not let them bring them over, unwanted. OTOH, one should have a minimum amount of seating in a home, at least in the hopes that one might get visitors from time to time. Once you agree to let them bring in the furniture, it’s unfair of you to get mad that they bring the furniture in and try to make space for it. They probably should have been more reasonable in their response, but it seems to me they are genuinely trying to help you, and putting time and effort into it. Loveseats do not move themselves, it’s work, and your father did it for you. They want you to appreciate the fact that they are trying to help you, and not just hear the complaints when things aren’t exactly the way you want them. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/12 "2013-03-14T19:01:18Z")
Also, did your dad bring over a loveseat all by himself? That’s not an easy task. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/13 "2013-03-14T19:25:16Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Two things. > > If you didn’t want the loveseat or coffee table, you needed to tell your parents that, not let them bring them over, unwanted. OTOH, one should have a minimum amount of seating in a home, at least in the hopes that one might get visitors from time to time. > > Once you agree to let them bring in the furniture, it’s unfair of you to get mad that they bring the furniture in and try to make space for it. They probably should have been more reasonable in their response, but it seems to me they are genuinely trying to help you, and putting time and effort into it. Loveseats do not move themselves, it’s work, and your father did it for you. > > They want you to appreciate the fact that they are trying to help you, and not just hear the complaints when things aren’t exactly the way you want them. Oh, I _intellectually_ agree with this. However, if they had been better parents to me when it truly mattered, I would already been in a well furnished apartment 9or home) because I’d be WORKING and would have the MONEY to buy my own furniture. Doesn’t matter, they got what they wanted/needed (Dad/Mom), my life got fucked up, but no matter, what matters is that they’re happy! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/14 "2013-03-14T19:47:39Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > **Cheese** -He was bringing over a loveseat (originally planned a couch IIRC) I live in a 1 BR, FWIW. He placed it in the middle of the room, and moved a bookcase (exposing the wires for a TV and cable box) in to the corner. He also previously had brought over a coffee table and end table, also a kitchen set, which I DEFINITELY appreciated (now I can make my lunch on that and not my kitchen counter) :). I’m in a wheelchair, and am alone for 22 hours a day. No need for the extemporaneous seating. You are in a wheelchair and alone for 22 hours a day. These are not excuses for mistreating elderly people who are trying to help you. Or non-elderly people trying to help you. Or people not trying to help you. Stop being a dick. Learn to apologize. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky_the_Wonder_Spirit)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/15 "2013-03-14T20:16:23Z")
I think you might need a new psychologist - that’s a whole lot of unresolved anger you seem to be carrying around. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/16 "2013-03-14T21:21:09Z")
> [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](#): > > I think you might need a new psychologist - that’s a whole lot of unresolved anger you seem to be carrying around. It seems pretty well-resolved - his parents are to blame for everything in his life. People who blame other people for their problems tend to forget the flip side of it - that would mean that the other people have all the power over you and your life, and that’s rarely true, especially if we are adults still blaming our parents. As for the OP, I’d start with looking at my own actions when someone has an out-of-proportion reaction. Did I somehow provoke this inadvertently? If I honestly don’t think so, then I would do one of three things - get over it if it is an aberration, talk with them if it is a pattern and I want or need to continue associating with them, or dump their ass if they’re just nuts. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/17 "2013-03-14T21:55:38Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Oh, I _intellectually_ agree with this. However, if they had been better parents to me when it truly mattered, I would already been in a well furnished apartment 9or home) because I’d be WORKING and would have the MONEY to buy my own furniture. Doesn’t matter, they got what they wanted/needed (Dad/Mom), my life got fucked up, but no matter, what matters is that they’re happy! Wow. Do them a favor and stop speaking to them. Enjoy your Fridays. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/18 "2013-03-14T23:40:16Z")
Did we not note that he is in a wheelchair? He can’t just deal with rearranging stuff, typically people in chairs have their places arranged so they can actually manage to _do_ stuff like cook and clean. If you remove the minimum required space to wheel around in, the area becomes either useless or hazardous. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2013, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/19 "2013-03-14T23:47:40Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Did we not note that he is in a wheelchair? He can’t just deal with rearranging stuff, typically people in chairs have their places arranged so they can actually manage to _do_ stuff like cook and clean. If you remove the minimum required space to wheel around in, the area becomes either useless or hazardous. Right, but there’s a right way of expressing this and there’s a bad way. A bad way would neglect to provide thanks for bringing over all that heavy-ass furniture. I know if someone scolded me after doing something back-breaking on their behalf, I would be tempted to respond in all-caps too. Did he at least say thank-you? I don’t know. But I am not thinking he did, since he says he emailed his parents “upset”. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2013, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929/20 "2013-03-15T00:18:58Z")
My parents sometimes did things at my house that I didn’t expect. My dad liked to prune bushes. Way to much. He killed a few at his house. I came home and found mine cut way, way back. I swallowed hard, smiled and thanked him. Mom sometimes cleaned while I was at work. Tucking things away that I didn’t find again for weeks. It’s all part of being in a family. It’s not worth complaining and raising a fuss. imho I never wanted to deliberately hurt my parents feelings. Especially if they were trying to do something nice and had the best of intentions. My bushes grew back within a year. I found my stuff that mom tucked away. I rather enjoy time with family then get into arguments. YMMV [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-deal-with-out-of-proportion-reactions/652929.md?page=2)