# How to decipher lust **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 23, 2012, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675 "2012-10-23T22:55:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![evollost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9de0a6/32.png) [@evollost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evollost)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2012, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/1 "2012-10-23T22:55:44Z")
There’s a guy. Well a man. He’s 30 I’m 20. We spend a lot of time together. Almost everyday. We tell each other a lot and honestly I think he loves me like I love him. Physically I know he’s attracted to me because he tells me how beautiful I am. I arouse him without trying. He kisses my body and holds my face. He cares about how I feel and always tries to make me laugh. I know he’s insecure about his own looks but he knows that I find him unbelievably sexy and that I’m super in to him. We do everything a couple “would” do except kiss. He say’s he doesn’t want a relationship and I think it’s because he thinks I will break his heart. He had a relationship before me. With a woman around my age and she ruined his life. But it was because she’s a bad person not because of her age. Idk what to do to show him I’m different other than be myself but I don’t think that’s enough. Is this a lost cause? Should I keep him as my friend with benefits? Am I just a sex slave? Or move on since it seems like we will never be more? When I try to leave him he pulls me closer but idk if it’s enough for me? Am I wasting time? It’s been 3 months of no kissing. Does he need more time? I’m not trying to be cocky but I am beautiful one of the most prettiest women he’s been with is that why he won’t take me serious? I know this is a lot but I really care about him but I just cant tell if it’s lust or love with him…please help,😕☹ ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2012, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/2 "2012-10-23T23:16:25Z")
He told you he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t kiss you. His words and actions are lining up with each other. The only thing that isn’t lining up is your wish. And no matter how hard you wish, you can’t wish someone to fall in love with you. How you proceed at this point is up to you. If you want to meet a guy who loves you back, then break up with him and date other guys. If you’re content to be the hot chick he bangs, then don’t change anything. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/3 "2012-10-24T00:43:22Z")
Sounds like he’s still attached to the previous woman. ---
**Author:** ![typoink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@typoink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/typoink)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/4 "2012-10-24T00:52:54Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > He told you he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t kiss you. His words and actions are lining up with each other. The only thing that isn’t lining up is your wish. And no matter how hard you wish, you can’t wish someone to fall in love with you. How you proceed at this point is up to you. If you want to meet a guy who loves you back, then break up with him and date other guys. If you’re content to be the hot chick he bangs, then don’t change anything. It certainly _is_ possible that somebody has a hang up they’ll get over. Just ask my wife. When we met, I was immediately fond of her but it took about six months before I was comfortable being seriously intimate. Communicate. Say exactly how you feel, and give him a chance to respond in kind. Don’t assume anything; assumption is the easiest way in the world to make yourself vulnerable. Talk. That said, a thirty-year-old guy screwing a twenty-year-old girl and refusing to kiss…not a good sign. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/5 "2012-10-24T01:02:11Z")
Not to sound rude, but no one can help you. Only YOU can decide what you want, and if you aren’t getting it, you’re the only one who can ask for it, and if you still don’t get it, you’re the only one who can walk away from it. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/6 "2012-10-24T01:11:42Z")
Does he give a reason for not kissing you? False teeth, bad breath, weird hangup, etc. Did you just ask him? If you can’t ask questions like that your relationship has no legs anyway. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/7 "2012-10-24T01:17:34Z")
He’s not kissing you? Honey he’s so not into you. Run. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/8 "2012-10-24T01:21:34Z")
Off to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/9 "2012-10-24T01:28:38Z")
Get out fast. A guy who won’t kiss you… for months… I can’t even imagine why you’re still seeing this guy. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/10 "2012-10-24T03:45:18Z")
To make sure I’m understanding this, you hang out with this guy all the time, you have sex with him regularly, but he never, ever kisses you because he doesn’t want a relationship. That’s weird. It kind of sounds like he wants to have sex with you and nothing more - that’s not very respectful towards you, unless all you want from him is sex. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/11 "2012-10-24T03:50:40Z")
**evollost** , are you saying he doesn’t want to kiss because he doesn’t want a relationship, or for some other reason? Your OP isn’t clear about that. ---
**Author:** ![Hockey\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/12 "2012-10-24T04:00:11Z")
Maybe you need a mint. OK, probably not. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He’ll continue to fuck you for as long as you let him, or until he finds a woman he does want to be in a relationship with. You won’t be anything more to him than someone to bang. Only you can decide if that is OK for you or not. ---
**Author:** ![humblebumble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5e925/32.png) [@humblebumble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/humblebumble)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/13 "2012-10-24T04:05:49Z")
He’s just not that into you. You don’t think you are in love but rather you know that you’re in love. That’s the difference. Hope this helps. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/14 "2012-10-24T04:23:18Z")
> [@Hockey\_Monkey](#): > > Maybe you need a mint. OK, probably not. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He’ll continue to fuck you for as long as you let him, or until he finds a woman he does want to be in a relationship with. \ Oh yeah, the part about the 20 year old woman he was dating ruining his life is bullshit, too. It sounds like an excuse for him to do what he wants when he wants and you just let him because he’s so hurt and sad. Boo frickin’ hoo. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/15 "2012-10-24T05:07:48Z")
Disclaimer, I’m about to say some really callous things, but please take it in the spirit it’s intended. > [@evollost](#): > > There’s a guy. Well a man. He’s 30 I’m 20. He’s half of your entire lifespan older than you. That is reason alone to doubt the legitimacy of this relationship. > [@](#): > > We spend a lot of time together. Almost everyday. So he either works with you, goes to school with you, you two live together, or he devotes his free time to spend with you. I don’t see any of those possibilities as particularly healthy given your ages. > [@](#): > > Physically I know he’s attracted to me because he tells me how beautiful I am. I arouse him without trying. He kisses my body and holds my face. He cares about how I feel and always tries to make me laugh. Making a girl laugh is probably the 2nd most overrated trait a woman can extol about her boyfriend (the first is “nice”). Let’s not put “getting a woody for a hot 20 year old” into the “reasons to love him” tally either. > [@](#): > > We do everything a couple “would” do except kiss. He say’s he doesn’t want a relationship and I think it’s because he thinks I will break his heart. I read this as: “We do everything a couple would do except kiss… and be a couple.” > [@](#): > > He had a relationship before me. At his age, I would hope so. > [@](#): > > With a woman around my age Either when he was around your age, which is fine. However I’m suspecting more recently than that. Which means this is a guy in the 28yo+ range serially “dating” college juniors which makes him a sleazeball. No exceptions. > [@](#): > > and she ruined his life. probably an exaggeration. oh, and also switch the pronouns. > [@](#): > > Is this a lost cause? Should I keep him as my friend with benefits? Am I just a sex slave? Or move on since it seems like we will never be more? A lost cause for what? For a relationship? Marriage? yes. But know that you’re not the one keeping him around as a friend with benefits, but him keeping you. > [@](#): > > It’s been 3 months of no kissing. Does he need more time? More time!? He should be so lucky. > [@](#): > > I’m not trying to be cocky but I am beautiful one of the most prettiest women he’s been with is that why he won’t take me serious? I know this is a lot but I really care about him but I just cant tell if it’s lust or love with him…please help,😕☹ He won’t take you serious because, again… he’s half of your lifespan older than you. Would you take a 13 year old seriously? Also, you’re in love with him. He’s in lust with you. I’m sure this board isn’t the first to tell you so. There’s probably a line of guys your age dying to tell you the same. In fact here’s a good litmus test. Would you tell your guy friends about this guy? Have you told your guy friends? What do they think? I can’t imagine the response being much different than what we here have said. ---
**Author:** ![wheresmymind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@wheresmymind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wheresmymind)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/16 "2012-10-24T05:16:08Z")
So you’re a pretty hot, nubile 20 year old girl. A 30 year old man with questionable looks confides in you, has sex with you and “kisses your body,” but refuses to kiss you on the mouth and gives you one of the oldest “I’m not ready for a relationship” excuses in the book. I’d say you’re being used, as a sex object and an emotional outlet. Now there’s nothing wrong with that per se, but you seem to want a relationship that he is clearly not interested in, and that will likely only lead to tears down the road. It sucks to hold a torch for a guy who doesn’t feel the same way about you, and it also sucks to have your slam-piece constantly trying to convince you to fall in love with her. Speaking as a single 30 year old guy, I’d love to have a hot 20 year old chick that I could take out to dinner, have long, personal conversations with, and then sex up all night. But I’m not gonna lie, the fantasy breaks apart when I imagine introducing her to my friends as my girlfriend. I might get some sleazy “yeah buddy!” high-fives from some of the guys, but mostly there would just be knowing eye-rolls and constant ribbing about the child I was dating. I don’t let my friends dictate my life, but their teasing would just serve to illustrate the fact that while a hot 20 yo would make a great fuck-buddy, I probably wouldn’t want her as a girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/17 "2012-10-24T05:21:45Z")
I think to decipher lust you have to decode it with rot69. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/18 "2012-10-24T12:53:18Z")
> [@evollost](#): > > Almost **everyday**. Bolding mine. This is why he won’t kiss you, and I don’t blame him. [http://www.future-perfect.co.uk/grammartips/grammar-tip-every-day.asp](http://www.future-perfect.co.uk/grammartips/grammar-tip-every-day.asp) ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/19 "2012-10-24T13:01:56Z")
Stop having sex with him and see what happens. Friends with Benefits only works when both people are on the same page. Some people don’t like to kiss, swapping spit grosses them out. However, when I hear someone doesn’t want to kiss I think of all the escorts I know who won’t kiss clients. Kissing is too intimate. ---
**Author:** ![Saraya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Saraya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saraya)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2012, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675/20 "2012-10-24T13:12:19Z")
On the bright side, you have a great man in your life that is a close friend that makes life worht living. “love” or no “love” I’d take it and just keep a loose eye open for a ‘boyfriend’ (or not if you can stomach not being told you’re loved) Also, stop the sex - casual sex is a lie and if you’re ‘friendship’ is worse off without sex, then he’s not all you thought he was. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-decipher-lust/638675.md?page=2)