# How to get my mother to stop pushing faith on me or at least understand me? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 11, 2011, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178 "2011-01-11T02:09:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/41 "2011-01-12T15:54:49Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Well, I’m not trying to change her. I just would like her to understand how her behavior affects my relationship with her. Well, make up your mind. Which is it? You don’t want her to change, or you do want her to change and achieve that understanding? _Your wanting her to understand your perspective here is the parallel of her wanting you to understand, to her satisfaction, her perspective on God._ > [@](#): > > Because she hasn’t figured it out on her own. It seems the consensus here is to not bother pointing this out to her, and I’m open to this. Good, because it’s a pretty sure bet she won’t figure it out no matter how hard you try to help her do so. > [@](#): > > But do you really think the desire to have a better, more open relationship with my mother has anything to do with my maturity level? It seems like a pretty reasonable desire to me. The desire is reasonable. The expectation that the desire can somehow be fulfilled is not. The maturity/wisdom that seems to be lacking is in understanding and accepting that you can not make this happen. > [@](#): > > Resigning myself to the fact that my mother will never understand me doesn’t strike me as any more mature than trying to foster that understanding. The shared personal experiences of, by my count, a dozen people in this thread would indicate otherwise. They’ve talked about the reality of what is as opposed to the ideal of what isn’t. Let’s put it this way: the next step in your growth is to accept this reality. Going back to your OP title question: **How to get my mother to stop pushing faith on me or at least understand me?** There are several techniques mentioned in this thread to get her to stop (or at least reduce) pushing her faith on you. As far as getting her to understand you in the way that you would like, the phrase “at least” suggests you perceive that as the easier task. What we’ve been telling you is that it’s not just more difficult, it’s essentially impossible. Let it go and move on. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/42 "2011-01-12T16:12:56Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > I don’t. Thought I made that clear in the OP. Rarely if ever do I talk about any private aspects of my life to my parents. And I rarely talk about anything remotely bad that is going on my life. > > So one of the few times that I _do_ vent to her about a normal, everyday challenge, my mother reacts as if I need a come-to-Jesus moment and hits me with 5 page letter about believing in God to pull me through. > > I’m frustrated because she can’t see that this is why I’m so damn private about everything. Then I take back what I posted previously. I totally understand. My parents are the exact same way. It’s because their religion teaches them to only value women for their reproductive abilities and for little else. If you don’t want to marry and reproduce, what good are ya? :dubious: I despise that attitude, so I do what you do: Just don’t discuss much. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/43 "2011-01-12T16:18:28Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > Well, make up your mind. Which is it? You don’t want her to change, or you do want her to change and achieve that understanding? _Your wanting her to understand your perspective here is the parallel of her wanting you to understand, to her satisfaction, her perspective on God._ I disagree that this is symmetrical. This is what I want: to talk to her about my life without being clubbed over the head with a 5 page letter rife with religious platitudes. This is what she wants: to club me over the head with a 5 page letter rife with religious platitiudes whenever I talk to her about my life. So the practical solution to this, of course, is for me to stop talking to her about my life. Although it would be nice if she understood why her communication style makes me reluctant to open up to her (as she frequently bemoans my privacy), you say I shouldn’t even explain it to her because she won’t get it. Okay. Nothing extra objectionable about that opinion. Taking this approach doesn’t strike me as mature or lovingly tolerant, though. It just means I’m being avoidant. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/44 "2011-01-12T16:18:34Z")
Sometimes people have to go around the track a few times before they get that they can’t change others, control their reactions, or make them react or appreciate it ways that suit their wishes. We’ve all faced things in life that forced us to go around the track more than once. It’s pretty clear, from the way this thread has evolved that you’re going to keep going around the track, a few more times, before you understand that she isn’t going to change and that the only thing you can control is you. You have nothing but sympathy from me, I went around the track several times learning this very lesson - you cannot push a rope! If I may offer you one last piece of advice it would be, when you’ve reached the place where you begin to question why you keep expecting her to be different - this time, why you keep going back to the well, only to be, yet again crushed to discover it’s the same crap as last time, you may begin to beat yourself up for being so foolish. Don’t bother. In my experience, self loathing does not shorten the journey round the track. Instead of that exercise, tell yourself you’re going to see what you missed last time. Good luck. And if it helps, I once read somewhere that the Mother Daughter relationship is _ **the** _ most complex relationship there is. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/45 "2011-01-12T22:28:14Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Ooh! Can I use that as my sig for a while? Butta course! ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/46 "2011-01-12T23:02:55Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Taking this approach doesn’t strike me as mature or lovingly tolerant, though. It just means I’m being avoidant. Some people you can be mature and lovingly tolerant with. I lovingly tolerate my husband’s weird habits. If something truly drives you up the wall, you cannot lovingly tolerate it. I cannot stand my mother’s religious perspective. That’s where avoidance to salvage a tiny part of the relationship comes in. Sure you could always send her a 5 page letter about how you sacrifice goats to Satan every night and don’t understand why you don’t have a lover yet, except for that really hot smoking guy who only shows up in the dark… 😃 and proceed to kill any hope for a continued relationship with your mom. Or you accept that this is a permanent part of her personality, you can’t change it, she doesn’t want to change it, and if you want to keep her in your life at all, you have to just know to avoid and dance around certain things. Yes it sucks, but in a lot of cases, having a limited, overly formal and not too close relationship is better than having no relationship at all. Avoidance gets a bad rap a lot of times, but there is something to be said for it when you really don’t want to sacrifice a relationship even though there are inconsolable differences. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/47 "2011-01-12T23:37:11Z")
You unburdened yourself to her, and she is trying to help you. She really believes that having this sort of faith is helpful. So don’t blame her. If I were you, if you haven’t done so already, gently tell your mother that you have decided that this kind of faith is not something you have or want to have. And if you unburden yourself again in the future and you get the same kind of response from your mother, you will just have to stop broaching these kinds of problems with her. I am an atheist and I see what you’re saying, but you have to understand that your mother is only trying to help. If you cannot get her to stop proselytizing and it bothers you, then you will have to stop seeking advice from her. ---
**Author:** ![janeslogin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@janeslogin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janeslogin)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2011, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/48 "2011-01-13T22:23:43Z")
I just packed up and left home at age 18 because of this faith obsession, among other things, e.g. racial bigotry. It was much easier to disappear in 1956 I suspect. My name just popped up on the internet people finder a year ago. But you might try just disappearing. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2011, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178/49 "2011-01-14T00:22:57Z")
The day I decided that I could be happy single for the rest of my life was the day I met my love. We just hooked up and because we weren’t worried about the future our relationship blossomed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-get-my-mother-to-stop-pushing-faith-on-me-or-at-least-understand-me/567178.md?page=2)