# How to handle daughter dating older guy (Long) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 5, 2011, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325 "2011-04-05T22:33:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/201 "2011-04-08T08:26:58Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > Answering the question asked without comment. > > PTIP: I assume it means “Predictable Troll Is Predictable” Thanks **bucket** , I wondered too! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/202 "2011-04-08T12:08:02Z")
> [@LavenderBlue](#): > > Yes. > > The issue is also about helping young men and women of both sexes have the self esteem to have high standards when choosing a partner. I remember thinking that high school boys were just completely stupid when I was in high school. They all seemed so dumb and shallow. When they weren’t calling guffawing attention to my large breasts they were making fun of the fact that I loved to read. Even back then I wanted someone who knew at least something about art, politics and literature. A mature 17 year old girl is much “older” than most high school boys. Girls often grow up faster. She may feel she has much more in common with a guy who is older, more aware of the world around him. The question really, when your 17 year old daughter dates a guy in his 20s is “does my daughter have the maturity and self esteem of a person in her early 20s herself” - often the answer is yes. And secondly, “is the guy she is dating responsible and mature with a decent self esteem himself, who sees my daughter as an individual - or is he targeting a high school girl because he DOESN’T need to be mature and responsible to get an ego boost from this?” When this is not the case - yeah, skeevy. But age alone is not sufficient cause for skeeviness. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/203 "2011-04-08T12:11:32Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > Answering the question asked without comment. > > PTIP: I assume it means “Predictable Troll Is Predictable” Thank you **bucketybuck** ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/204 "2011-04-08T12:20:09Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > There’s not a lot of mystery why a teen girl is attracted to older guys. The questionable thing is why a twentysomething guy would be interested in a teen girl. Why isn’t he interested in women his own age? Is there something wrong with him that turns off older woman? In the case of my twenty something boyfriend - he’d gotten to know me through my friendship with his brother. I was cute, funny and smart. We had similar tastes in movies and music and similar political leanings. We had grown up in the same small town, attended the same church, and our families knew one another. He thought we might have something in common, and we did. His next girlfriend (who became his wife) was his own age, and as far as I know, I was the only underage girl he ever dated. In the case of my friend, he saw his future wife and knew. He didn’t know her age (which did give him pause) or anything about her - he just knew. He looked at his friends and said “excuse me, I need to go meet my future wife” and he did. He’d dated women his age before, never dated anyone that much younger than him before. But waiting for her to be an adult wasn’t going to stop love at first sight - and it didn’t. And she is perfect for him - they share the same interests and values. (Seriously - this is how it went down and I spent the first five years shaking my head waiting for the inevitable implosion - a person does not SEE another person and KNOW - she’s almost 40 now and they are still married). In neither case was the attraction because the girl in question was a teenager. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/205 "2011-04-08T13:53:11Z")
Accusations of trolling are against the rules. So is “poking the bear with a stick.” I’m not going to issue any warnings, but give a reminder to everyone to stop these accusations. For Diogenes to state his opinion is not against the rules. If you don’t like it, the Pit is available for your needs. **Ellen Cherry IMHO Moderator** ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/206 "2011-04-08T14:04:42Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > In the guy’s defense, I’ve found that women are fucking depressing past 24 haha That’s around the time they’re slowly realizing they got trapped in some career that isn’t their dream job and that it’s too late to do anything about it, and the time they’ve been through a few bad relationships so they have baggage, hang-ups, bitterness toward men, maybe even a kid. As they get closer to 30 they start getting hang-ups about not being married or having a baby if they don’t already have one. Plus there’s that whole 28 - 32 phase where they’re “independant Sex & The City women” who don’t NEED a man and reject a bunch of decent guys who at 35+ they’ll complain don’t exist… > > I’m a fan of 20 - 24 year olds the most, personally. The bubbly “haven’t had my dreams crushed by the Real World” attitude of a 20 year old is awesome. Plus no saggy boobies. 🙂 > > - TWTTWN Okay, you? You are giving me the screaming heebie-jeebies, and ordinarily I’m skeptical of Dio’s assertions about guys being predators. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/207 "2011-04-08T14:17:17Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > They’re exactly the same. A 25 year old who hits on 17 year olds is an immature slimeball by definition. If he was mature and ethical, he wouldn’t be trying to fuck high school girls. It doesn’t make him less of a creep if he has a college degree. Some people even men are looking for things other than sex in a relationship. In fact, it is more likely that a 25 year old male is looking for common interest and compatibility in a relationship than a 17 year old male. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/208 "2011-04-08T14:38:14Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I would tell this scumbag once, and once only, that he was never to speak to my child again, and that would be the end of it. As far as you knew. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/209 "2011-04-08T15:10:24Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Some people even men are looking for things other than sex in a relationship. In fact, it is more likely that a 25 year old male is looking for common interest and compatibility in a relationship than a 17 year old male. And dating does not necessarily mean SEX. Some people DO choose to wait until marriage, or at least until their underage girlfriend (or boyfriend) is legal. It may not be the most common scenario, but its a plausible one. Frankly, its a little offensive to me to condemn my former boyfriend and my friend as inherently skeevy. Both were attracted to girls who were underage. Both took great pains to be respectful of the girl’s age. Neither committed statutory rape. Both could have gone off and found women of age to boink, and to the best of my knowledge, both remained celibate while waiting - though neither was a virgin themselves. I think that is sort of admirable - it shows a lot of respect for the person you are with. It would be FAR easier to not date an underage woman and get laid by someone your own age than to date an underage woman and be celibate until she reaches a magic birthday. ---
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/210 "2011-04-08T15:14:52Z")
Just heard this on the radio: [http://www.star94.com/info2go/Story.aspx?ID=1398802](http://www.star94.com/info2go/Story.aspx?ID=1398802) Overzealous parents can lead to overzealous children with a lack of impulse control or perspective. Not saying this happened in this case, but it is food for thought. ---
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/211 "2011-04-08T15:15:55Z")
Just heard this on the radio: [http://www.star94.com/info2go/Story.aspx?ID=1398802](http://www.star94.com/info2go/Story.aspx?ID=1398802) Overzealous parents can lead to overzealous children with a lack of impulse control or perspective. Not saying this happened in this case, but it is food for thought. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/212 "2011-04-08T15:47:43Z")
Does it also lead to overzealous posting? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/213 "2011-04-08T15:51:51Z")
Yes, yes it does. Could a mod remove one of those for me? I was wondering why it gave me a “You must wait 60 seconds between posts” messages, but I just clicked home and forgot about it. Apparently, it queued it up twice. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/214 "2011-04-08T16:36:02Z")
> [@LavenderBlue](#): > > There’s a huge difference between a 25 year old high school drop out who lives at home with his parents and the same 25 year old who has graduated from college, moved out and works a full time job. As a parent I would not be happy if my daughter was dating either guy. I’d probably discourage her from dating either man. But I hope we call all agree that the high school drop out is far more of a problem than the guy with the full time job and completed education. Actually, I’d think the 25-year-old drop-out who lives at home with his parents is a much more \*sensible \*match for a 17-year-old high schooler. You know exactly why he’s attracted to immature people–he is one. The problem is the 25-year-old with a degree and a job; IME, most people of that age and stage of life have no reason to be attracted to a high schooler any reason but physically. So, either the guy is hiding some other kind of social retardation, or he’s just after sex. > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > The questionable thing is why a twentysomething guy would be interested in a teen girl. Why isn’t he interested in women his own age? Is there something wrong with him that turns off older woman? IME, yes. Anytime I’ve been involved with someone where there was a significant age/stage-of-life gap, it was mainly about sex or the guy was in some significant way fucked in the head. Which, again, isn’t to say that those experiences were in anyway \*damaging \*for me–just that if a 17-year-old high school girl is dating a 25-year-old man, he’s probably not going to be husband material. > [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > I’m sure someone will jump on me for this, but a lot of 17-18 year olds aren’t immature airheads and in many cases he assumes the teenager IS someone his own age. So yeah, when guys say “she’s really mature”, they mean it and it’s true. There’s a world of difference between “mature for your age” and “actually has had the experience of moving away from home and going to college or getting a full-time job to support yourself.” The most mature 17-year-old high school student in the world who is still living at home and being supported by their parents is massively different from a college student living on their own (even if rent and tuition are paid for by their parents), who is massivley different from a college graduate who is now working full-time and supporting themself, or getting more education and supporting themself. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/215 "2011-04-08T16:37:32Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > As far as you knew. See, that’s why God invented GPS, nondescript white vans, and night vision binoculars. And restraining orders. ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/216 "2011-04-08T16:42:59Z")
> [@maplekiwi](#): > > I was in a similar (but not the same) situation as you TJ. The relationship was over when my 19 year old daughter got sick of being told she was immature when she was acting her age. & the controlling & the fault finding. > > Hopefully that will happen to your daughter too. That’s what happened to me, too; I started dating a guy about to graduate college at the end of my freshman year. He’d get upset that I wasn’t “acting my age,” but it was really that I WAS acting my age (nearly 19); I just wasn’t acting HIS age (23). It got old fast. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/217 "2011-04-08T16:57:21Z")
I’d just like to say that this thread really delivers the funny. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/218 "2011-04-08T16:59:23Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Actually, I’d think the 25-year-old drop-out who lives at home with his parents is a much more \*sensible \*match for a 17-year-old high schooler. You know exactly why he’s attracted to immature people–he is one. The problem is the 25-year-old with a degree and a job; IME, most people of that age and stage of life have no reason to be attracted to a high schooler any reason but physically. So, either the guy is hiding some other kind of social retardation, or he’s just after sex. You must know some spectacularly unimpressive seventeen year old girls. Cause I know some who have a LOT of maturity, emotional and intellectual. I knew this girl when I was in my late twenties - she was seventeen. Amazing woman. Just, wow. She’d been emancipated from her parents for two years, held a job (and supported herself), finished high school with honors and was already in college. Well rounded, intelligent and interesting. She could easily hold her own with me and my girlfriends who were ten years older than her. I’ve known several young women like her in my life. And while ideally, these young women would find very mature young men to date, the reality is that the majority of people they are willing to date are five or ten years older than they are. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/219 "2011-04-08T17:03:43Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > There’s a world of difference between “mature for your age” and “actually has had the experience of moving away from home and going to college or getting a full-time job to support yourself.” The most mature 17-year-old high school student in the world who is still living at home and being supported by their parents is massively different from a college student living on their own (even if rent and tuition are paid for by their parents), who is massivley different from a college graduate who is now working full-time and supporting themself, or getting more education and supporting themself. Sorry, I don’t buy it. The 17-20 year olds I supervise at my job seem pretty damn mature. Maybe a library calls to a type of person that is more mature in general, but I’ve never really bought the whole 17 year olds and so So SO different from 22 year olds thing (let alone someone in their mid-20s). Then again, maybe I’m just immature. ETA: What **Dangerosa** said. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/220 "2011-04-08T17:04:16Z")
I was wondering why this thread had gone five pages so fast, and my suspicions were confirmed. 🙂 I just hope I’m watching Judge Judy the night **Dio** is on, explaining why he assaulted the young man his daughter is dating. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325.md?page=12)