# How to handle daughter dating older guy (Long) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 5, 2011, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325 "2011-04-05T22:33:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/221 "2011-04-08T17:16:02Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > Sorry, I don’t buy it. The 17-20 year olds I supervise at my job seem pretty damn mature. Maybe a library calls to a type of person that is more mature in general, but I’ve never really bought the whole 17 year olds and so So SO different from 22 year olds thing (let alone someone in their mid-20s). > > Then again, maybe I’m just immature. > > ETA: What **Dangerosa** said. I wouldn’t doubt that SFG (and many of the people who disapprove of this relationship in this thread) are speaking statistically and experientially–that is, by and large, the average 17 year old is going to be less mature than the average 25-year-old, and the average 17 year old is not going to have any experience living on their own, supporting themselves, living in “the real world” where the average 25-year-old will have a noticable bit of that. Now, in this economy and with the ongoing delaying of full adult responsibilities that some parents of current kids are passing along, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that gap in maturity is less than when I was 25 and MUCH less than when I was 17 (I fully understand the humor value of pronouncing this from my lofty age of 31. =P) simply because more kids are living at home longer and transitioning to the “own apartment, own job, own life” world much more gradually. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/222 "2011-04-08T17:27:40Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > I wouldn’t doubt that SFG (and many of the people who disapprove of this relationship in this thread) are speaking statistically and experientially–that is, by and large, the average 17 year old is going to be less mature than the average 25-year-old, and the average 17 year old is not going to have any experience living on their own, supporting themselves, living in “the real world” where the average 25-year-old will have a noticable bit of that. > > Now, in this economy and with the ongoing delaying of full adult responsibilities that some parents of current kids are passing along, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that gap in maturity is less than when I was 25 and MUCH less than when I was 17 (I fully understand the humor value of pronouncing this from my lofty age of 31. =P) simply because more kids are living at home longer and transitioning to the “own apartment, own job, own life” world much more gradually. Which is why its wise not to make generalizations about the OPs daughter or her boyfriend. Statistically - yeah. MOST seventeen year olds should not be dating guys in their 20s. Individually, I don’t know the individuals in question and when I was seventeen and dating a guy in his twenties, it actually was an appropriate relationship to be having. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/223 "2011-04-08T17:39:14Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > Okay, you? You are giving me the screaming heebie-jeebies, and ordinarily I’m skeptical of Dio’s assertions about guys being predators. oh I’m totally a creepy predator, I’ve dated/fucked a ton of chicks across the age gamut from 17 - 49. The above is just my observation from experience: the optimistic bubbly outlook of girls under 24-ish is way more attractive than the jaded cynical outlook of older women (who generally don’t see themselves as jaded or cynical, they’re just “realists” in their mind). Odds are this guy isn’t attracted to the OPs daughter because she’s 17 but because her personality is refreshing compared to women his age and it’s just an unfortunate hitch for them that she’s so young. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/224 "2011-04-08T17:47:09Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Frankly, its a little offensive to me to condemn my former boyfriend and my friend as inherently skeevy. Both were attracted to girls who were underage. Do you not see how these two sentences are mututally contradictory. Adult males who pursue underage girls are engaging in skeevy behavor. There is no non-skeevy way for an adult male to go after jailbait. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/225 "2011-04-08T17:49:50Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > I’ve known several young women like her in my life. And while ideally, these young women would find very mature young men to date, the reality is that the majority of people they are willing to date are five or ten years older than they are. And the only adult males who would want to date a 17 year old girl are skeeveballs. ---
**Author:** ![Marc\_Xenos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Marc\_Xenos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marc_Xenos)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/226 "2011-04-08T17:50:25Z")
Wow, 3 days old and already there’s 5 pages of opinions. Bottom line, at 17 (nearly 18) she’s already making her own decisions in life and nothing you demand will change that. Or at least, hopefully, if you did a good job raising her, that’s the case. A child who remains a child far into her adult years, still needing mommy and daddy’s permission and approval, will always be a confused, indecisive child, regardless of age. It’s okay to be disapproving and to state that disapproval. Once. After that, it’s no longer about you, even though you THINK you’re making it about her. As for those who comment about the statistical probability of such a permanent conjoining, remember that nobody commits to each other based upon statistical odds of success. And sheer will is a formidable opponent to random statistics. I offer this perspective from a man who is 17 years older than his wife, as well as a father who’s raised 4 children into adulthood (2 girls, 2 boys, 24 - 33 years old), along with all the trials and tribulations of marriage and with kids. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/227 "2011-04-08T17:53:02Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Do you not see how these two sentences are mututally contradictory. Adult males who pursue underage girls are engaging in skeevy behavor. There is no non-skeevy way for an adult male to go after jailbait. At seventeen in some states (not to mention other countries), she’s not jailbait. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/228 "2011-04-08T17:55:17Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > And the only adult males who would want to date a 17 year old girl are skeeveballs. What about the adult females who date seventeen year old and younger males (or females too, we shouldn’t exclude lesbians)? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/229 "2011-04-08T17:57:06Z")
I don’t care. That doesn’t make it un-skeevy. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/230 "2011-04-08T17:59:58Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > And the only adult males who would want to date a 17 year old girl are skeeveballs. What about a guy who is 18 years old plus a day, and a girl who is 17 years old plus 364 days? The guy is technically an adult male, and the girl is technically a child. He’s only a skeeveball for a day? Off-topic, skeeveball for a day sounds like a good reality show. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/231 "2011-04-08T18:01:53Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I don’t care. That doesn’t make it un-skeevy. When is someone an adult, in your mind? ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/232 "2011-04-08T18:05:57Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I don’t care. That doesn’t make it un-skeevy. Out of curiousity, and I don’t know that anyone’s nailed you down on it before, where IS the bright line for “non-skeevy” in your opinion? Y’know, in case your daughter is attracted to mine in around 16-20 years. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/233 "2011-04-08T18:06:24Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > What about a guy who is 18 years old plus a day, and a girl who is 17 years old plus 364 days? The guy is technically an adult male, and the girl is technically a child. He’s only a skeeveball for a day? > > Off-topic, skeeveball for a day sounds like a good reality show. 🙂 Here we go with this stupid game. What if the girl is 16? 15? 14? 11? 9? 4? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/234 "2011-04-08T18:07:34Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > Out of curiousity, and I don’t know that anyone’s nailed you down on it before, where IS the bright line for “non-skeevy” in your opinion? > > Y’know, in case your daughter is attracted to mine in around 16-20 years. 😛 What is the bright line for old enough to fuck? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/235 "2011-04-08T18:09:25Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Here we go with this stupid game. > > What if the girl is 16? 15? 14? 11? 9? 4? You’re the one who’s drawing black and white lines in the shades of grey. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/236 "2011-04-08T18:11:23Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > I knew this girl when I was in my late twenties - she was seventeen. Amazing woman. Just, wow. She’d been emancipated from her parents for two years, held a job (and supported herself), finished high school with honors and was already in college. I made an attempt to explicitly say, over and over, that I’m talking about typical high schoolers versus typical post-college adults, and yet you go dig up a special circumstance of someone who’s 17 but supporting herself. So, good for you, I guess. Maybe later I’ll go use Schindler as an example of why the Nazis were good people. (Yes, I’m being intentionally ridiculously hyperbolic. But I trust you recognize the point.) Please also keep in mind: you weren’t \*dating \*any of these amazing teenage girls you apparently know. Being in a relationship with someone versus working with them or being friends with them is a completely different dynamic. > [@Zeriel](#): > > I wouldn’t doubt that SFG (and many of the people who disapprove of this relationship in this thread) are speaking statistically and experientially Bingo. > [@](#): > > I fully understand the humor value of pronouncing this from my lofty age of 31. Good god, man, why haven’t we shoved you out onto an iceberg yet? > [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > oh I’m totally a creepy predator, Well, at least you’re honest about confirming our suspicions. > [@Marc\_Xenos](#): > > Wow, 3 days old and already there’s 5 pages of opinions. Well, there are five pages of **Dio** ’s opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/237 "2011-04-08T18:11:35Z")
You’re the ones refusing to draw any lines at all. I’ve never seen you people admit that any age is too young. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2011, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/238 "2011-04-08T18:15:22Z")
I am going to make a decision here to close this thread and recommend that any further conversation on this topic be either taken to a new IMHO thread (“What is your opinion on dating ages re: young adults and teenagers?”) or Great Debates (“What are the criterion for mature dating?”) or something along these lines. The discussion has moved well beyond the original situation, and has people chafing in several directions. Let us make a fresh start, please — if anyone cares to begin a new thread. **Ellen Cherry IMHO Moderator** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325.md?page=11)