# How to handle daughter dating older guy (Long) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 5, 2011, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325 "2011-04-05T22:33:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/41 "2011-04-06T07:46:42Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > My suspicion is that a 17 year old is going to outgrow a 25 year old who is interested in dating a 17 year old. Assuming, of course, that they don’t wind up growing up at the exact same time. I’d say I feel about three years younger than I actually am, and that’s been consistent for a very long time. I’ve only dated one woman who was older than me, and she turned out to be literally crazy. A question for the OP: Are they both seniors? For some reason college seniors and high school seniors often seem to feel they have something in common. It only lasts if the college graduate is going on to get a postgrad, and even then it will likely fail after that, as most people who date a someone with postgrad ambitions want one themselves. I must admit I’m still not entirely sure why different levels of maturity freak people out, and only when it comes to dating. I’d say half the guys and at least a third of the girls I know act younger than they are. And I’m including acquaintances, so it’s not biased based on my maturity level. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/42 "2011-04-06T08:17:57Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Assuming, of course, that they don’t wind up growing up at the exact same time. As I said, it could happen. I don’t know any of the individuals involved. And Pullet pointed out it worked for her. But all that said, the odds are against it. Like Markxxx said, most people grow a lot between 18 and 23. If this guy didn’t grow up then, he’s not very likely to grow up now. In five years, she’ll be a young adult of 22 and he’ll be a 30 year old teenager. ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/43 "2011-04-06T09:01:44Z")
Please, please ask your daughter what kind of birth control she prefers and don’t just force her on hormonal birth control. I have good friends who have had terrible reactions to hormonal contraceptives, one of whom became seriously depressed for about two years after taking them for 8 months. I think it’s a common fallacy to automatically assume that they are the best thing for a young woman. > [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > My suspicion is that a 17 year old is going to outgrow a 25 year old who is interested in dating a 17 year old. I think this is a good point. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/44 "2011-04-06T09:24:39Z")
> [@TexasDriver](#): > > Be sure and tell her that even though you are helping her get birth control, that you are not condoning sex outside of marriage. I don’t care what you did when you were single and dating. Neither you nor your ex are condoning sex at your daughter’s age. Right? She can decide IF she wants children AFTER college. If she thinks it would be so much fun to have her very own baby to love, you may be a grandmother before you think. Come on now. What if, unlike you, they actually have realistic expectations of what their 17 year old daughter is going to do and condone her being in control of her own body to do it? Why does sex automatically = children? They’ve already discussed birth control and sex quite extensively. > [@](#): > > Ask her if she is thinking of the guy as marriage material. Yes? OK, another bag of worms. If the answer is no, then be nice, but point out that she shouldn’t be wasting his time or hers in a relationship that she knows she doesn’t want to be in. Date with the idea of figuring out who you are, what you like, and where you want to be one day. If the “the rest of your life” is not in the equation, why are you still dating that person? I don’t think it really needs to be said, but do not do this. Shouldn’t be wasting her time in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in? Clearly she does want to be in the relationship or she wouldn’t be in it! God, what a bunch of terrible advice all condensed down into one post. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/45 "2011-04-06T09:51:11Z")
> [@TexasDriver](#): > > Ask her if she is thinking of the guy as marriage material. Yes? OK, another bag of worms. If the answer is no, then be nice, but point out that she shouldn’t be wasting his time or hers in a relationship that she knows she doesn’t want to be in. Date with the idea of figuring out who you are, what you like, and where you want to be one day. If the “the rest of your life” is not in the equation, why are you still dating that person? Because > [@CitizenPained](#): > > Dating is practice for the grown up stuff. It is not “what you do in order to select a spouse”; it can be but (please do not read this if you’re fainthearted, **TexasDriver** ) not everybody wants to get married and it’s pretty much part of the definition of both “17 years old” and “23 years old” to be figuring out what they want their life to be like: this includes figuring out whether they do or do not want to get married. And some people do not want to get married and do want to have sex, either casually or as part of long-term relationships: o tempora, o mores! (That’s Latin for “won’t someone think of the children?”) ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/46 "2011-04-06T09:57:45Z")
My parents got together when my mother was 17 and my dad was 24. Think it’s their 35th anniversary this year. Just saying. (Not saying that a relationship can only be a good thing if it leads to marriage though, that would be silly.) I don’t personally think there’s that much chance of accidental grandkids at this stage; the older guy who tells his teenage girlfriends ‘not to tell, people won’t understand’-yes I’d be pretty worried; the older guy who wants to meet the parents, owns his own place (with his mother staying!)… You know, I can’t see him wanting to get his teenage girlfriend knocked up at this point either. When I was 25, one of my best friends (also female) was 17- never really felt that as a massive age gap. Really depends on the individuals concerned… ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/47 "2011-04-06T11:26:37Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I would tell this scumbag once, and once only, that he was never to speak to my child again, and that would be the end of it. That’s one way to make sure the relationship lasts a long time, and that your daughter will never speak to you again. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/48 "2011-04-06T12:42:27Z")
I don’t get the people saying, “oh, you can’t stop her from seeing him.” The hell I can’t. It’s not about forbidding _her_, it’s about terrifying _him_. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/49 "2011-04-06T13:36:55Z")
No, but you can stop her from respecting you. If she thinks you make hasty, stupid decisions, she will think “Well, mom & dad don’t know what they are talking about anyway” and as soon as she gets out of your reach she will do the stupid things anyway. Better to have her do them under your supervision and trusting you, coming home to tell you the issues. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/50 "2011-04-06T13:40:31Z")
I agree with those who say that a 25-year-old being interested in a 17-year-old is creepy. Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that big an age difference. But looking at the different life stages they’re at now, it’s a \*huge \*difference. And it’s skeevy. My husband’s roomate in college started dating a high-school sophomore when he was a junior in college. That’s what, maybe a 5 year difference? And it was incredibly weird then - we teased him mercilessly. Because no way were they both in the same place. I’m not saying it’ll never work out, and I’m not trying to belittle those that did make a go of relationships that started in a similar way. I’m saying I totally understand where you’re coming from, **TJ**. My mom woulda lost her damn mind. And here’s the interesting thing: I knew that, even back then. My parents’ rule was that you could date someone in your class or the class above or below you, but dating beyond that was right out. So even if I wanted to date someone outside that range, I wouldn’t have, because I knew the rules and respected them (and my parents). I wasn’t the lying or sneaking around type, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/51 "2011-04-06T13:45:10Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > No, but you can stop her from respecting you. If she thinks you make hasty, stupid decisions, she will think “Well, mom & dad don’t know what they are talking about anyway” and as soon as she gets out of your reach she will do the stupid things anyway. Better to have her do them under your supervision and trusting you, coming home to tell you the issues. Just a guess at his thoughts: “Fuck her respect- I care more about her safety.” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/52 "2011-04-06T14:35:01Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > No, but you can stop her from respecting you. If she thinks you make hasty, stupid decisions, she will think “Well, mom & dad don’t know what they are talking about anyway” and as soon as she gets out of your reach she will do the stupid things anyway. Better to have her do them under your supervision and trusting you, coming home to tell you the issues. All she’ll know is that the guy stopped calling her. She doesn’t need to know why. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/53 "2011-04-06T14:39:49Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Just a guess at his thoughts: “Fuck her respect- I care more about her safety.” This too. It’s my job to keep the predators away. I don’ t care about earning the uninformed “respect” of an immature child. She’ll understand when she grows up. I’d keep her in the dark about it anyway. What my daughters don’t know won’t hurt them. If Johnny Predator suddenly does a vanishing act, they don’t need to know why. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/54 "2011-04-06T14:41:06Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I don’t get the people saying, “oh, you can’t stop her from seeing him.” The hell I can’t. It’s not about forbidding _her_, it’s about terrifying _him_. Which will only insure that in the future she will look to date guys that cannot be terrified by her parents. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/55 "2011-04-06T14:42:48Z")
I guarantee that no such guy exists. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/56 "2011-04-06T14:58:27Z")
Unless there is some reason to think this guy is a creep (other than simply that he’s dating your daughter), I would not make a big deal out of it. Also, don’t use the “you lied” thing as a proxy for your real agenda which is to prevent her dating this guy. Both your daughter and the guy sound like good people. Just make sure she has birth control (which you’re already doing). ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/57 "2011-04-06T15:06:49Z")
Any 25 year old macking on a 17 year old is a creep by definition. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/58 "2011-04-06T15:10:01Z")
When I was 17 I started dating a man who was 27. I will concur with the earlier statment about your daughter outgrowing him. It doesn’t sound like this is a predator but rather a more immature than his age young man, and his real age is part of the attraction for your daughter. What will eventually break them up if you allow this to run it’s course is that he is more immature than that age. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/59 "2011-04-06T16:02:34Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I guarantee that no such guy exists. * * * Creepy Suitor:\*\*\* It’s none of your business, man. I will fuck you up. _ **Dio:** _ No. You’ll try, and that little experiment will end in tears, my friend. So, again for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the _fuck_ away - or let’s you and me go outside right now. It’s past my bedtime. Make a choice. _[Cut to **Dio** on the ground, being savagely beaten by **Creepy Suitor**]_ (Stolen shamelessly from _Kiss Kiss Bang Bang_) ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325/60 "2011-04-06T16:18:21Z")
I’m enjoying the fantasy world Dio inhabits, in which he has absolute control of all the people around him at all times. But let’s try to stay serious instead. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-daughter-dating-older-guy-long/577325.md?page=4)