# How to Handle the Agonizing Bull\*\*\*\* of Wedding Planning **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2010, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304 "2010-02-17T06:24:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/21 "2010-02-17T15:01:07Z")
Why does it have to be “her day”? The day is for both of them. I’ll add to the chorus of “sit down and talk with her”. Decide what is important for the two of you, and do that. The wedding industry be damned. Hubby and I got married at the judge’s house on Christmas Eve. The judge had been out feeding cows. He changed out of his rubber boots into some house shoes at the last minute because “it isn’t proper to marry people in your stocking feet”. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/22 "2010-02-17T15:12:25Z")
Plaster a smile on your face and practice saying, “Your wish, is my command, my beautiful bride!” Seriously, if you’re in ernest, about not really caring one way or another, about the details, do it. I wouldn’t keep repeating “I don’t care”, that’s not the message you want to send, and it will get old fast. Make it your contribution to alleviate the stress that is wedding planning. “What can I do to help?”, “How can I make this better?”, “Just tell me what you’d like me to do, I’m all about being there for you!”, “Whatever you need, your wish is my command!” And then live up to those words. When it’s all making her crazy, sweep her into your arms and cover her with kisses. Take her away to a nice restaurant for a lovely meal. If you accept, right now, that this will be your role, and determine to be good at it, you will be widely admired, by one and all. And she will definitely appreciate the ‘contribution’ you’re making. I know people who, to take a break and to brake in their wedding shoes, took a short walk together each evening, as the wedding day grew closer, banning wedding plans as a topic for discussion for the duration, each evening before retiring. They swore by it, claimed it saved their sanity. Another thing they did, was stop counting down to the wedding and start counting down to the honeymoon, it worked a charm! I wish you luck, these are deep waters you are venturing into, my friend. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/23 "2010-02-17T15:15:13Z")
> [@Glory](#): > > If she’s planning a big hullabaloo she might have been dreaming about it since she was 11. I thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster daily that my fiancee is _not_ a woman like that! And **Wilbo** , it’s not _her_ big day, it _theirs_. They are entering into a lifelong commitment of equal partnership, it’s not Princess Day. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/24 "2010-02-17T15:16:03Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > My best idea so far is “honey, I don’t give a flying fuck except about the beer and the music, so just do whatever you want, and don’t tell me, or ask me, because I don’t care and I don’t want to know.” This solution probably leaves much lacking. If by “lacking” you mean that telling someone that you flat don’t give a fuck about something important to them is a total jackass move, then yes, it leaves much lacking. Think about something important to you that you throw a whole lot of time and energy into, and how it would make you feel if your fiancee told you, “look I don’t give shit one, so don’t even talk to me about it.” You’d think she was being a right bitch, right? You absolutely need to talk to your fiancee about how elaborate these plans are and how much time and effort you’re willing to put into all this. _That_ is not the way to broach the topic, however. Unless you just happen to enjoy having a big fight. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/25 "2010-02-17T15:39:48Z")
The “subtle psychological clue” isn’t that you don’t want to get married. It’s that you both need to figure out what’s going on here. Does she have unrealistic fantasies that will never truly be satisfied? Is she all into “keeping up with the joneses?” Do you, deep down, expect her to do the ‘woman’s work’ while you sit back and reap the rewards? Is your refusal to participate a passive-aggressive response to her not taking your wishes into consideration? These kinds of issues can have grave repurcussions in the marriage. > [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > It just seems like a wedding ceremony should satisfy both parties rather then being a one-sided affair. But I’ve never had to plan one myself, so I’m talking out of my ass here. You’re not talking out of your ass. You’re right. If one party is unhappy and pissed off, something is wrong. Anyway, for some reason, I’m reminded of my days of selling flooring. Often, a married woman would come in, do all the research, and out of literally tens of thousands of styles and colors, select 2-3 choices. Then she would come in with her husband and show him the 2-3 choices. He would usually veto one, thus either approving the other option or letting her choose between the two remaining option. So why don’t you try to get her to do something similar? You may not give a hoot about flower girl dresses in the abstract. But if presented with two photos, you probably could pick the one you liked better. (or the one that’s cheaper!) You’d be participating in the decision making, but you wouldn’t have to spend hours at the dressmaker poring over book after book of nauseating little blonde princesses in shiny dresses. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/26 "2010-02-17T15:43:00Z")
You both need to be willing to compromise on wedding stuff, meaning she needs to calm down a bit about it if she is freaking you out and you need to be willing to be more involved than to say that as long as there is booze you’re cool with it. My fiance hasn’t been big into the planning either but he sat down and helped me pick items for the registry, choose colors for the wedding, etc. Stuff that was really important to me he left to my discretion but he is helping with favors and putting together information for our guests about things to do in Vegas (that is where we are getting married) and putting stamps on all the invitations. It doesn’t take much of his time and it makes me feel much better that he is involved with the planning and execution of the wedding. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/27 "2010-02-17T16:02:56Z")
> [@Mithril](#): > > He would be just as much in charge of the beer and music as she is of the other stuff. I think it’s quite clear that in this wedding the bride will not be offering choices from which the OP will select. > [@](#): > > The point is not to have a pissing contest, but to have both people working together at an appropriate level of involvement based on their wishes and abilities. It seems clear that the OP wishes to have very low involvement, and zero conflict. ---
**Author:** ![legalsnugs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@legalsnugs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legalsnugs)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/28 "2010-02-17T16:11:00Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > My best idea so far is “honey, I don’t give a flying fuck except about the beer and the music, so just do whatever you want, and don’t tell me, or ask me, because I don’t care and I don’t want to know.” This solution probably leaves much lacking. But I just have no enthusiasm for this whatsoever, I mean none. Yeah, that one’s seriously lacking. A lot of women, your bride included apparently, have been planning their wedding day since they could walk. Your attitude communicates that you really don’t give a flip about what she believes is the biggest day in both your lives. I suggest you not give her that impression. Ask her what she would like you to take care of (getting the booze, for example, or renting a limo or whatever). Some brides welcome the help; some will ask you to do it, then re-do it when they don’t like what you’ve done, but I don’t know your bride, so I don’t know how much she’ll turn loose of. But she absolutely wants you to care. So fake it. Act like you care. It won’t kill you to make the woman happy here. If she asks you if you prefer the peach feather pen or the white one, just pick one. Just close your eyes and point. If you pick peach and she really wants white, she’ll tell you. Then you say, “whatever you want, my love” (because you really don’t care), and you’ll be her hero. And if she really wants the peach, well, you’ll just be a genius. And, yes, I nearly broke up with my now-husband over the stupid napkins because he said something along the lines of your “best idea.” It was at that point I realized I was being batshit insane and I dialed it back considerably. But I am not your bride. Would she come to her senses or push you off a cliff? You decide. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/29 "2010-02-17T16:11:23Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Make it your contribution to alleviate the stress that is wedding planning. “What can I do to help?”, “How can I make this better?”, “Just tell me what you’d like me to do, I’m all about being there for you!” I think this is the best advice. Grin, bear it, and tactfully decline to offer opinions when you have none. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/30 "2010-02-17T16:21:11Z")
Consider hiring a wedding planner. Unfortunately, word of mouth is the best way to find a good one, so it may take time. Unlike you and your fiancee a wedding planner has been in the trenches so to speak. They know where to get discounts on the wedding clothes, which caterers will screw you and who will deliver decent food, and how to make sure the music arrives on time and stays sober. Explain upfront that you have X amount of money to spend and firmly no more and most will gladly work within your parameters and turn out a lovely wedding. ---
**Author:** ![audient](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@audient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/audient)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/31 "2010-02-17T16:25:50Z")
I don’t think it’s a psych clue that you don’t want to get married. You’re just being sane. American weddings are insane. I’ve been to over 500 of them in my work (most about 5 times the national avg price - so particularly insane). I realized that it’s a day. It’s an event. In the end you’re married, and that’s what lasts - that & the pictures. When the lady & I got married last summer we spend about 1/4 the national average, and only spent “real” money on photographer and music. And the music is because we’re musicians and wanted to show respect to our friends who played. Everything else was potluck/DIY. We’re just as married as anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Mithril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mithril/32/3517_2.png) [@Mithril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mithril)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/32 "2010-02-17T16:25:57Z")
Where exactly does the OP say that his fiancee is being unreasonable, or that she has been planning a wedding since she was 11 years old? He said they would be spending about an average amount on the wedding. Average does not equal ridiculous, and he has not said that she is freaking out because she ordered stationery colored ivory linen and she got antique lace. $20,000 is more than I would spend on a wedding, but it’s _average_! It’s not a referendum on the bride’s character that she wants something _average_. ---
**Author:** ![mack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mack)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/33 "2010-02-17T16:46:33Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > Happy for female perspectives too but thought guys who’ve been there might have the most insight. I treated it like I was throwing a big once in a lifetime party. Live band, a variety of food served buffet-style, including vegetarian dishes and pigs-in-blankets type stuff for the kiddies, sit wherever you want, Open bar, a good time was had by all. No wedding parties (just best man and maid of honor or whatever they’re called these days), no rehearsal dinner, or super expensive rings. We pretty much blew it all on the reception. Both families are pretty low maintenance and were just happy to see us wed. The caterer sent a great guy with a velvet touch who moved the reception along from stage to stage. My wife and I paid for it, and my parents threw in some, too, so we were in charge of the whole thing. There were a lot of decisions and pain in the butt stuff and the writing of massive checks, but the goal was I wanted to celebrate our marriage and show everyone who came from far and near a great time. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/34 "2010-02-17T16:55:49Z")
> [@legalsnugs](#): > > Would she come to her senses or push you off a cliff? You decide. Some people would consider that dodging a bullet. I’m one of them. Then again, I have no real intention to marry, and would probably run screaming in the opposite direction if my fiance wanted to spend $20,000 on any single day event that didn’t involve a trip into space. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/35 "2010-02-17T17:02:42Z")
Man up. Marriage is going to be a long series of things only one of you is really into. Being a partner in life means going whole hog in supporting what is important to your partner, and being able to expect the same in return. If youa re not willing to support her in something she’s dreamed of her whole life, then you are not interested in being married to her. There’s a big difference between being willing to marry her tomorrow, and being willing to be her marriage partner for life. Show up for the tastings, give your opinion, make sure she knows that in case of conflicting opinions you’d like her to have what she’s always dreamed of. Rub her shoulders when she gets stressed by it, run interference with your side if they cause trouble, be there to remind any and all involved that this is her day and you have her back 100%. DO NOT be an added source of stress with the rolling eyes and the grumpy half-attention. You are the Groom, not a resentful younger brother. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/36 "2010-02-17T17:17:16Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Man up. Marriage is going to be a long series of things only one of you is really into. Being a partner in life means going whole hog in supporting what is important to your partner, and being able to expect the same in return. Yes. It’s not all about you and what you want or don’t want any more when you’re married. If this has changed your relationship and you’re not sure you’re happy about the changes, there are two options. One is to live with it. This too shall pass. The other is to take an active role in making sure you can still do the stuff you used to do before you were planning a wedding. Even if she was normally planning the fun stuff to do before she was planning a wedding, she has less time now. If you want that stuff to happen, you have to step up to the plate and make it happen. What I don’t recommend is sulking while she does wedding planning stuff or saying “I don’t care” when she asks you for some input on the wedding. This is important to her, at least pretend you care. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/37 "2010-02-17T17:26:02Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > … but thought guys who’ve been there might have the most insight. Yes, and let me say that I handled the planning for my second wedding much better than for my first. Maybe there was a lesson for me there… :eek:😃 I would agree with **TruCelt** and **Anne Neville**. Part of commmitting to someone is wanting to make them happy, or at least not wanting to make them unhappy. From your side, that means committing to some level of genuine, non-grudging participation. From her side, it means not pushing you past a certain point. Where these lines are is something that you and she will have to work out through continuing communication. Weddings are stressful, certainly. But you’re going to face other stresses together in your marriage, and this can be good practice for learning how to deal with them. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/38 "2010-02-17T17:35:33Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > Why does it have to be “her day”? The day is for both of them. > [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > And **Wilbo** , it’s not _her_ big day, it _theirs_. They are entering into a lifelong commitment of equal partnership, it’s not Princess Day. It is obvious that the OP doesn’t really care much about the details of the wedding itself. He is very typical of most grooms, I know, I’ve met, and myself on two different occasions. Most girls dream about their wedding day from the first time they were asked to be a flower girl. And most guys do not. That is a fact of our culture. If you two were not like that, then great, your not like most people. Since it is apparent that the wedding details are more important to the bride-to-be, it is my advice to the groom…to let her have her way…that’s why I said it is her day. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/39 "2010-02-17T17:39:36Z")
Oh and one other piece of advice…let her decorate your bedroom however she wants. If she wants the frilliest comforter and shades of pink and lavendar…let her have it. It will make her happy. It’s not like you invite the guys over for poker and play in your bedroom. In exchange get what sort of audio visual equipment you want. It’s all about the compromises. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2010, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/40 "2010-02-17T18:25:49Z")
If you’ve got a beef with how much money she’s proposing to spend on this, you should say something. If her parents are paying for the whole thing, suck it up and thank them profusely. If you’re paying for it with money that you and she have earned, you wouldn’t be out of line discussing the money issue with her. Just be tactful. If some detail of the wedding is important to her, it’s important, period, end of discussion. It doesn’t matter how frivolous it seems to you, if it’s important to her, it’s important. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t budget, or decide which aspects of the wedding are most important to you and spend the most on those things. It means you shouldn’t be dismissive of things that are important to her. There is a way to set priorities and budgets diplomatically, without pooh-poohing her concerns. It’s good to learn how to discuss money matters with your prospective spouse without starting a fight or getting her all upset. You will have other discussions during your marriage about money. It’s an important part of managing your life together. Learn to discuss it without anybody getting upset, embarrassed, or defensive. For some reason, during wedding planning for some women, stuff seems important that you would never have imagined yourself giving any thought to a year ago, and that you will laugh at a year from now. It happens to the best of us. Just roll with it (this WILL be over someday), be supportive, and in a while she’ll laugh with you over how important some trivial detail seemed at the time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304.md?page=3)