# How to Handle the Agonizing Bull\*\*\*\* of Wedding Planning **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2010, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304 "2010-02-17T06:24:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/81 "2010-02-19T19:47:34Z")
What are bridesmaid ribbons? ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/82 "2010-02-19T19:48:43Z")
> [@GargoyleWB](#): > > I found many times that politely asking the bride-to-be, “Is this something that you care deeply about, or is it your mother?” to put choices in perspective will help make your bride an ally in the planning, instead of a torment. Be sure to ask in a polite, nonjudgmental way, though. You _don’t_ want to call something she really does care about stupid or trivial. That’s insulting. It’s like saying “that dress makes you look fat”- it’s something you don’t want to say, even if it is true. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/83 "2010-02-19T20:00:19Z")
I stayed completely out of it. Didn’t plan one thing. Wasn’t asked one question. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the planning. I made it very clear to my wife that I truly, honestly didn’t give a shit about a single thing, and didn’t want to be included in anything. I asked her just to leave me out of it and just tell me what time to show up. That’s exactly how it went. One of the smartest decisions I ever made. No headaches at all. We got married at her parents’ farm. She went out ther a week ahead of me, put everything together with her mom and sisters, and I showed up at the appointed time. In my opinion, there’s no reason for the groom to spend 5 seconds of time on wedding palnning. Not one detail actually matters in the long run. It’s all just frivolous, self-indulgent bullshit trivia. Why get involved with it? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/84 "2010-02-19T20:07:56Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > If you think something is vulgar, or childish, you should not have it in your wedding. I didn’t have the garter toss because I think it is so often undignified (and hard to keep it from getting that way, if the wrong person catches the garter, and the wrong people so often want to catch it). We didn’t feed each other cake, because I have thought since I first heard about it when I was around 7 that smashing cake in someone’s face is childish. We skipped the cake feeding altogether, because we’re klutzy and would be likely to get cake on each others’ faces, and we wouldn’t want anybody to think we were smashing cake. My mother-in-law wanted us to do the cake smashing, but I stuck to my guns on that, and we didn’t do it. AFAIK, we’re still married. We didn’t do a cake smash either, but I took a dot of frosting and dabbed it on my bride’s nose. It’s helpful to remember that you are a putting on a party for other people at which you are the entertainment. Of course you should draw the line at anything you consider humiliation, but it’s natural for your guests to want to have a bit of fun with you. ---
**Author:** ![Laggard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de053/32.png) [@Laggard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laggard)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/85 "2010-02-19T20:16:41Z")
I’m fairly cynical about marriage and since you roughly only a 60% chance of staying together for life I never understand why the damn ceremony has to be such a huge deal. Oh, and feeding each other cake can be a beautiful, symbolic event. Smashing it in their face is childish and crude. ---
**Author:** ![Laggard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de053/32.png) [@Laggard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laggard)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/86 "2010-02-19T20:20:36Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > I must be behind the times - I’ve never heard of this (tapping on glass to signal couple to kiss). Am I just a clueless bumpkin? 🙂 I’ve never been to a wedding where this didn’t happen. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/87 "2010-02-19T20:29:04Z")
I’ve never been to one where it did. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/88 "2010-02-19T20:35:13Z")
The glass tapping thing is apparently something that’s done at the sort of wedding where you have seating assignments and a “fun” DJ/emcee. Being the low-class sort, I’d never heard of it until I took part in a wedding planning message board. “Trained seal” sums up my opinion of it perfectly, though people who are used to that sort of wedding seem to like it. I guess it’s like cake and punch and little mints in the fellowship hall–just a matter of what you’re used to. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/89 "2010-02-19T20:45:38Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > The glass tapping thing is apparently something that’s done at the sort of wedding where you have seating assignments and a “fun” DJ/emcee. I’ve heard that it can end in glasses being broken. If you don’t want it at your wedding, that’s a decent excuse to use. If someone starts it, don’t kiss. Send someone around to discreetly ask them to please not do that, you’re afraid a glass might get broken. Or they’d probably stop pretty soon if it was clear that you were ignoring it. You should talk with your DJ or emcee beforehand about this kind of thing. It’s also good to tell them ahead of time if there are some songs you absolutely do NOT want to hear, for whatever reason. Or if you’re afraid they might play music with lyrics that would shock your 80-year-old grandmother. Much better to head off potential problems like this at the pass, rather than gritting your teeth or throwing a fit during the reception. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/90 "2010-02-19T21:07:53Z")
We actually considered _putting it in our DJ’s contract_ that if he played “The Chicken Dance” he would forfeit the balance of his money. After talking to him and being convinced that he was not an idiot, we didn’t have to put it in writing. But if he had played it he would have been fired on the spot and we would have been playing our own CDs on a boom box. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/91 "2010-02-19T21:18:56Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > She went out ther a week ahead of me, put everything together with her mom and sisters, and I showed up at the appointed time. This would seem to require the bride-to-be having a mom & sisters who she trusted to share the work of setting up the wedding. This does not universally obtain. ---
**Author:** ![sciurophobic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cab0a1/32.png) [@sciurophobic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciurophobic)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2010, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/92 "2010-02-19T21:48:25Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > If you think something is vulgar, or childish, you should not have it in your wedding Second that. The wife and I quickly agreed that the following would not occur at our wedding [ul] [li]Bouquet toss[/li][li]Garter removal and toss[/li][li]smashing of cake into face[/li][li]the Macarena[/li][li]the Chicken Dance[/li][li]glass clinking[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/93 "2010-02-20T05:20:37Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > If you think something is vulgar, or childish, you should not have it in your wedding. I didn’t have the garter toss because I think it is so often undignified (and hard to keep it from getting that way, if the wrong person catches the garter, and the wrong people so often want to catch it). We didn’t feed each other cake, because I have thought since I first heard about it when I was around 7 that smashing cake in someone’s face is childish. We skipped the cake feeding altogether, because we’re klutzy and would be likely to get cake on each others’ faces, and we wouldn’t want anybody to think we were smashing cake. My mother-in-law wanted us to do the cake smashing, but I stuck to my guns on that, and we didn’t do it. AFAIK, we’re still married. I heard (probably on these boards) that the aggressiveness used to smash cake in each other’s faces is inversely proportional to how long the marriage lasts. We didn’t do garters or cake smashing or glass clinking at our wedding, either. We did toss the bouquet - to my sister, the only single lady there. No, wait, there was cake-smashing - my husband’s best friend, his best man, gave him an ambush cake-smashing. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/94 "2010-02-20T05:43:44Z")
I’m amazed more people haven’t encouraged getting a wedding planner. Get one! It can’t contribute much more to your bottom line, and it’ll clearly be easier on both of you. It’s what I’ll do when I’m there in 5ish years. As an aside, my parents have gone to some _insane_ Indian weddings in recent years. They’re so insane that they start getting ideas for _my_ eventual wedding - never any good ones, either, just “ooo! It was really nice how there were 9 courses and eighteen desserts. Doesn’t that sound nice, _lindsaybluth_?” Or “They had a different band for every section of the wedding - it was lovely”. Once they were late to the hotel in DC and got stuck behind the procession - the groom was white, and on a stallion, riding to the hotel. Most have had 3 different cuisines - American, Indian, and whatever-the-couple’s-favorite-foods-are. The overall totals have been literally cost a quarter million dollars :smack: Not I, said the duck. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/95 "2010-02-20T13:47:18Z")
My husband and I just got married last month and he didn’t really care about the details. So I didn’t make him do it. He was a sounding board when I needed to think things through aloud. He had a few tasks he was in charge of (limo, baker, tuxes) and when it came down to it, he was there to do the little things I just didn’t quite have time to do. The couple weeks before the wedding he helped with stuff, which is almost expected, but before that? He didn’t do much. And I was okay with that. But do you know how we got to the point where I was okay with that? We sat down, like adults, and talked about it. He didn’t necessarily want all the big, fancy stuff. He didn’t care about it. But I did. He knew that if it was important to me, it was important to him. We struck a deal. I wouldn’t harp on him about getting wedding stuff done if he took a couple big tasks off my plate and would be there without complaint the couple weeks before, when it was really down to the wire. The best part was? Because he knew I wasn’t going to harp on him or expect it, he would offer to help on things, like stuffing invitations into envelopes. He got brownie points (and lots of loving) for volunteering, and I got help. It worked out well. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/96 "2010-02-20T14:16:40Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > But that doesn’t mean that’s what I’d say to my husband, if he were interested in guitars and were asking me those questions. \*\*I’d show some interest for his sake. \*\* Yes, the OP can think that all he wants. But what you think and what you say to your fiancee when she’s talking to you aren’t necessarily the same thing. How would you “show interet” exactly? Your husband is asking you which of several options you prefer–there really is no way to “show interest,” and if you don’t know everything that goes into choosing between the options then you really can’t help him anyway. Don’t you think your husband would be being a little bit of a jerk by asking you something you don’t know anything about and expecting a serious answer from you? ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/97 "2010-02-20T14:25:25Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > Doesn’t what both of you all are saying boil down to, “Even if you really don’t care about whatever she’s asking your opinion on, at least sincerely pretend to care”? No. I’m saying that the fiancee is being a jerk by asking the guy’s opinion on pew bows in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/98 "2010-02-20T14:58:00Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > How would you “show interet” exactly? Your husband is asking you which of several options you prefer–there really is no way to “show interest,” and if you don’t know everything that goes into choosing between the options then you really can’t help him anyway. > > Don’t you think your husband would be being a little bit of a jerk by asking you something you don’t know anything about and expecting a serious answer from you? It’s… really not hard. Let’s say my husband was wondering if he should buy one guitar or the other. Instead of staying “fuck off I don’t know.” I say “I don’t know, what’s the difference?” Then he can explain to me the difference between 2 options, and, when I have enough information, I can give an opinion. The act of explaining things to me, might also clarify his thinking. I might also have a gut-level opinion, if part of the choice is aesthetic. Really, it only takes a minute, and it’s not hard. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/99 "2010-02-20T15:09:54Z")
But your opinion would be worthless–a two-minute conversation isn’t enough to convey all of the information necessary to make an informed opinion on the subject. And your husband would know your opinion would be worthless, so he shouldn’t have asked for it in the first place, which makes him a jerk for asking. He basically set you up for failure, which is a jerk thing to do. I just don’t see why some women have this need to ask their SO about stuff that the SO obviously can’t have a valid opinion on. The women that do this need to break this bad habit instead of trying to convince men to play along. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/100 "2010-02-20T15:22:18Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > But your opinion would be worthless–a two-minute conversation isn’t enough to convey all of the information necessary to make an informed opinion on the subject. And your husband would know your opinion would be worthless, so he shouldn’t have asked for it in the first place, which makes him a jerk for asking. He basically set you up for failure, which is a jerk thing to do. How can he “set me up for failure” when all I’m doing is being a sounding board, and giving my opinion according to the facts I have. What do you mean by “failure?” If you, in fact participated, there is no failure. Let me give you an example. One day, my husband was trying to decide what do with his Xbox. I do not know, or care, a thing about Xboxes. He had three options: 1. Buy a new Xbox costing X 2. Send the Xbox back for repair, costing from .5X to X 3. Try to fix it himself, costing .3X, but if that was unsucessful, he would have to do either 1) or 2) So, first he explained the options, then asked me what I thought. After discussing it I was able to give an opinion. I promise you this did not take more than 15 minutes of my life. My husband found it helpful. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304.md?page=6)