# How to Handle the Agonizing Bull\*\*\*\* of Wedding Planning **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2010, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304 "2010-02-17T06:24:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/101 "2010-02-20T15:34:26Z")
I started a new thread on this subject–[http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=12141586#post12141586](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=12141586#post12141586) ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/102 "2010-02-20T18:23:14Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > How can he “set me up for failure” when all I’m doing is being a sounding board, and giving my opinion according to the facts I have. I agree with **Rover** here, actually. You’d be a worthless sounding board. What’s the point of asking advice from someone whose entire store of information is what you just told them? ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/103 "2010-02-20T18:27:26Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I agree with **Rover** here, actually. You’d be a worthless sounding board. What’s the point of asking advice from someone whose entire store of information is what you just told them? They might ask you questions you didn’t think of, or respond to information in a different way than you expected. In explaining things to them, you might try harder to give a balanced view of the pros and cons than you admit to yourself (therby approaching the situation more objectively), or by explaining you might realize the choice is obvious. If all that sounds worthless to you, hey no skin off my back. Rand made it seem that being asked for an opinion was a trap for the unwary, I was disputing that. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/104 "2010-02-20T18:32:01Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > My husband and I just got married last month and he didn’t really care about the details. So I didn’t make him do it. He was a sounding board when I needed to think things through aloud. He had a few tasks he was in charge of (limo, baker, tuxes) and when it came down to it, he was there to do the little things I just didn’t quite have time to do. The couple weeks before the wedding he helped with stuff, which is almost expected, but before that? He didn’t do much. And I was okay with that. > > But do you know how we got to the point where I was okay with that? We sat down, like adults, and talked about it. He didn’t necessarily want all the big, fancy stuff. He didn’t care about it. But I did. He knew that if it was important to me, it was important to him. We struck a deal. I wouldn’t harp on him about getting wedding stuff done if he took a couple big tasks off my plate and would be there without complaint the couple weeks before, when it was really down to the wire. > > The best part was? Because he knew I wasn’t going to harp on him or expect it, he would offer to help on things, like stuffing invitations into envelopes. He got brownie points (and lots of loving) for volunteering, and I got help. It worked out well. I found this post hilarious. It really shows the difference between what a woman imagines is going on in this kind of conversation and what’s really going on. "He knew that if it was important to me, it was important to him. " No, he knows he has to ACT like it’s important to him, or he’ll never get any peace. I promise you, though, it’s NOT important to him. You say you made a deal not to “harp,” but the entire conversation you described is nothing but harping. You made the poor sap go down _two weeks_ before to plan the wedding? That doesn’t sound like he escaped from much of anything. That’s two miserable weeks of his life he’ll never get back. Grooms should be more like me. They’ll be a lot happier. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/105 "2010-02-20T18:36:39Z")
You two are making it sound like it’s a one-way street in relationships - men putting up with women. Would you like to hear how many times I’ve sat and listened to a thesis on why the designated hitter is an abomination? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/106 "2010-02-20T18:36:49Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > They might ask you questions you didn’t think of, or respond to information in a different way than you expected. In explaining things to them, you might try harder to give a balanced view of the pros and cons than you admit to yourself (therby approaching the situation more objectively), or by explaining you might realize the choice is obvious. > > If all that sounds worthless to you, hey no skin off my back. Rand made it seem that being asked for an opinion was a trap for the unwary, I was disputing that. I’m not sure I’d agree that “setting a person up for failure” is the correct characterization. I don’t think my wife has malicious intent when she does this stuff, but she does have the habit of harping on me to give an opinion on stuff I have no interest in (“what kind of flooring should we put in the kitchen? What color should we paint the walls?”) I honestly don’t care at all, but she insists that I choose a sample or look at website on flooring or something, then when I pick something just to pick somthing, she invariably dismisses it as the wrong choice. I could swear sometimes that she’s using me as a reverse barometer for taste. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/107 "2010-02-20T18:41:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You two are making it sound like it’s a one-way street in relationships - men putting up with women. Would you like to hear how many times I’ve sat and listened to a thesis on why the designated hitter is an abomination? I’m cognizant of this kind of thing. That’s what buddies and the internet are for. I don’t insist on talking to my wife about stuff I know she’s not interested in. Side note, I’m not making this up. My wife just came in and asked me if we put should something called “cerama-lock tiles” in the kitchen. I don’t even know what those are. I’m about to find out, though. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/108 "2010-02-20T20:19:08Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You two are making it sound like it’s a one-way street in relationships - men putting up with women. Would you like to hear how many times I’ve sat and listened to a thesis on why the designated hitter is an abomination? No, its men putting up with WEDDINGS and it IS entirely a one way street. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304/109 "2010-02-22T20:14:36Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > How would you “show interet” exactly? Listening when he talks about it, and not insisting on immediately changing the subject to something else. That way, he at least feels comfortable talking with me about something that he is interested in. I would also avoid making comments to him or where he would be likely to overhear them about how stupid I think his latest hobby is. You might even end up learning something. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-handle-the-agonizing-bull-of-wedding-planning/529304.md?page=5)