# How to introduce an insecure wife to the idea of female friends **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 19, 2012, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326 "2012-04-19T21:43:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/61 "2012-04-23T13:33:48Z")
I’ve been married for 14 years. My Wife is great and we have no troubles in our marriage. I do get to have friends though. So does she. We are not joined at the hip and do have our own activities that we enjoy. My best friend (besides my Wife) is a woman. I’ve know her for 23 years. We use to work together. Third shift. You develop a certain camaraderie when you work shift work. My Wife met her once. At our wedding. She lives 100 miles away so we only see each other a once every couple of months. We get together for some beers and bar food and listen to live bands. Afterwards, I just stay at her apartment. It’s just not worth it to drive home (having to cross the continental divide twice to do so). We’ve gone out of town together to a music fest, stayed in a yurt. We have tickets to see Steve Martin play banjo in July. She only works about 30 miles from me though. Sometimes we will take a Friday afternoon off and just meet for lunch. I understand it’s a bit of an unusual set up. But it works for us. I think it’s important to have your own friends as well as shared friends. This person just happens to be a woman. Another best friend is a woman as well, she’s my cousin though so I guess it doesn’t count. My Wife has a male friend that is a forest ranger. She has stayed with him at his ‘post’ (a cabin) in Rocky Mountain National Park. No biggie. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/62 "2012-04-23T14:16:38Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > This post just sent a chill down my spine. > > First the OP’s situation and his attitude sounds exactly like mine some 14 years ago. I too thought I was the perfect husband ruining the curve for everyone else. > > I finally got a divorce because I came to realize exactly what **Giraffe’s** post describes. > > I don’t care who you are. You can only take so much of walking on eggshells and doing doggy tricks to makle your SO feel “secure”. Everyone has a breaking point. > > Listen, love is a gamble not a guarantee. Does the OP’s wife want to take that leap of faith or not? Since my ex was once a member of this community, I’m deleting the long-form post I just made and simply saying: This. 100% this. _Especially_ paragraph four. ---
**Author:** ![Woeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Woeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Woeg)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/63 "2012-04-23T15:53:28Z")
> [@Hal\_Briston](#): > > This. 100% this. _Especially_ paragraph four. Jumping in to say “thirded” - Wait, is that even a word? My ex was of the “hot but insanely insecure” variety. I never cheated on her, but I damned sure was tempted towards the end. The girls who attracted me weren’t “hot” by common definition, but were certainly emotionally less abusive. Walking on eggshells SUCKS, and I will NEVER permit myself to be in that kind of relationship with anyone ever again. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about that mess with the new Mrs. Woeg. She’s awesome, lets me be friends with who I want, and doesn’t need to control me to prove her self worth. Life is a MILLION times happier. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/64 "2012-04-23T17:00:35Z")
> [@jerryonly](#): > > That sounds good in theory. But there are 2 reasons I would like to avoid that scenario > > 1. My wife is bipolar, and sometimes can be a little off kilter. Like start a fight if a chick looks at me in public off kilter. Even though this woman at work is not nearly as attractive, if she was seen smiling at something I had said it would be on. > > 2. The woman’s boyfriend who already does not like me because of the amount in common we have is an ex felon. The felony being beating the shit out of a cop. He just got out of prison. I would definitely keep your wife away from your friend’s boyfriend! ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/65 "2012-04-23T17:10:05Z")
> [@jerryonly](#): > > She does have friends of the opposite sex. Friends who have admitted at points in their life to be attracted to my wife. I however, am secure in the fact that my wife would not cheat on me, and am honestly ok with her having said friends. > > I know it is a double standard. And I know I cannot use logic to get past her insecurities. > > The idea of actually bringing this up to her though, and working through her insecurities is a frightening prospect. I know it needs to be done, so my marriage doesn’t collapse in on itself. Because I will feel repressed. And the alternative is she will feel hurt. > > Well damn > > Seems like I know what I need to do at this point > Thanks to everyone who gave me advice > ~Jerry I obviously do not know your wife, but this is a bit “scary” to me; if she thinks it’s fine for her to have male friends, but not fine for you to have female friends, that is a big red flag. I’m not saying she is a cheater, but Cheaters tend to project there “way” onto others, and assume that their significant others are also cheating. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2012, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/66 "2012-04-23T17:30:00Z")
> [@fjs1fs](#): > > I obviously do not know your wife, but this is a bit “scary” to me; if she thinks it’s fine for her to have male friends, but not fine for you to have female friends, that is a big red flag. I’m not saying she is a cheater, but Cheaters tend to project there “way” onto others, and assume that their significant others are also cheating. and sorry everyone, “there” should have said “their.” ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/67 "2012-04-24T03:37:58Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > This post just sent a chill down my spine… > I don’t care who you are. You can only take so much of walking on eggshells and doing doggy tricks to makle your SO feel “secure”. Everyone has a breaking point. > … Very saddened reading all of this because this is the road I fear my wife and I are trapped in. I’ve always struggled in dealing (or not dealing) with her insecurities which manifest in the same way as the OP’s. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/68 "2012-04-24T04:24:04Z")
> [@GargoyleWB](#): > > Very saddened reading all of this because this is the road I fear my wife and I are trapped in. I’ve always struggled in dealing (or not dealing) with her insecurities which manifest in the same way as the OP’s. ☹ Those kinds of insecurities unfortunately do tend to lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy - she’s afraid of losing you, and some day she ends up driving you away. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/69 "2012-04-24T05:18:30Z")
I would be insecure, too, if the best thing that my husband had to say about me is that I’m “hot,” but not to worry because his “twin” is a little “chubby.” The guy straight out laid down a “will I or won’t I” list that was nothing more than a physical comparison. In healthy marriages, “she’s not particularly good looking” is not the main limiting factor to screwing around. I agree this marriage seems to be in a bad place, but I wouldn’t place all the blame on the wife. In a healthy marriage, getting upset about friends would indeed be unhealthy. But in an unhealthy marriage, everything is unhealthy. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/70 "2012-04-24T06:28:36Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I would be insecure, too, if the best thing that my husband had to say about me is that I’m “hot,” but not to worry because his “twin” is a little “chubby.” The guy straight out laid down a “will I or won’t I” list that was nothing more than a physical comparison. In healthy marriages, “she’s not particularly good looking” is not the main limiting factor to screwing around. > > I agree this marriage seems to be in a bad place, but I wouldn’t place all the blame on the wife. In a healthy marriage, getting upset about friends would indeed be unhealthy. But in an unhealthy marriage, everything is unhealthy. I think you fail to see “Guy Logic”. Understandably so.. 🙂 Guys don’t normally cheat on there GF/wives because they found someone who fulfills their emotional needs or has such an awesome personality. We (supposedly) cheat because the other woman is so damn hot. I’m sure the OP thought that was a given to everyone reading this thread. Hence he mentions the physical attributes of both his wife and the other girl. ---
**Author:** ![florez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b9e5f3/32.png) [@florez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/florez)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/71 "2012-04-24T07:33:17Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I think you fail to see “Guy Logic”. Understandably so.. 🙂 > > Guys don’t normally cheat on there GF/wives because they found someone who fulfills their emotional needs or has such an awesome personality. We (supposedly) cheat because the other woman is so damn hot. Maybe guy logic is part of the problem. I agree with even sven, the OP assumes we should realize he is incapable of cheating on a “hot” wife, with a less attractive package. If and when he does cheat, he can always congratulate himself- on overcoming his original shallow take on the “chubby”. From what I have read, there are many reasons that men cheat; some just for the novelty, some are passive aggressive and punishing, some see it like a game, or a way to boost their self esteem. Also, when a marriage is going south, a spouse might look elsewhere, rather than work on the problem. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/72 "2012-04-24T10:53:54Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I think you fail to see “Guy Logic”. Understandably so.. 🙂 > > Guys don’t normally cheat on there GF/wives because they found someone who fulfills their emotional needs or has such an awesome personality. We (supposedly) cheat because the other woman is so damn hot. > > I’m sure the OP thought that was a given to everyone reading this thread. Hence he mentions the physical attributes of both his wife and the other girl. Can you see how “don’t worry babe, I haven’t found anyone attractive enough to make me want to cheat on you” isn’t going to be much of a comfort? I’m trying to imagine how my boyfriend would react to “Don’t worry about Mr. X. He’s not as attractive as you- he’s a brunette and a little bit heavy!” A stereotypical “female logic” excuse would be pretty much as unpallatable. How would you feel if your wife said “Oh, I would never cheat on you with X, he’s only an associate manager and drives a Ford Fiesta!” Both would go down like the bullshit they are. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/73 "2012-04-24T11:39:06Z")
My husband and I have had great work friends of the opposite sex. To the best of my knowledge, we’ve remained faithful to each other. I don’t think “connecting with work friend” means “replacing the wife.” However, I do think that the type of possessive jealousy your wife has, combined with mental illness, is going to strain your marriage until it breaks. And I’m not seeing a lot of hope for the situation changing. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/74 "2012-04-24T20:38:47Z")
She’s asking you to shut out half of the world’s population so that she doesn’t have to deal with her insecurities. Not fair. I talk about my friends at work all the time. I’ll go to happy hour with them, send them flowers, write them cards. Some are men. Some are women. Your wife needs to get over it or get some counseling. And you need to realize that an emotional attraction is just as compelling as a physical one. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/75 "2012-04-24T20:52:59Z")
No one has suggested a threesome yet? ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/76 "2012-04-24T20:57:30Z")
Maybe it’s the introvert in me, but I don’t even know why your friendship with this woman even needs to be presented to your wife as a “thing”. Don’t you guys just work together? Why is this work friend so important that her existence needs to spillover into your household? Since the two of yall work together, you have a lot of built-in opportunities to interact with one other without the appearance of impropriety. You can go to lunch, you can goof around at the water cooler, you can take breaks together, etc. It sounds like this isn’t enough for you, though. Is it that you want to do stuff one-on-one outside of work? I’m not a jealous type at all, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel uncomfortable when your SO wants to spent a lot of time with someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/77 "2012-04-24T21:39:28Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > No one has suggested a threesome yet? Post #45. It was incredibly clever. We all laughed and laughed. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/78 "2012-04-24T21:50:05Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I think you fail to see “Guy Logic”. Understandably so.. 🙂 > > Guys don’t normally cheat on there GF/wives because they found someone who fulfills their emotional needs or has such an awesome personality. We (supposedly) cheat because the other woman is so damn hot. > > I’m sure the OP thought that was a given to everyone reading this thread. Hence he mentions the physical attributes of both his wife and the other girl. Compare and contrast Maria Shriver with the maid that Arnold impregnated. Or Elizabeth Hurley with Divine Brown. A more-attractive wife does not necessarily preclude a less-attractive fling. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/79 "2012-04-24T23:35:43Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Post #45. It was incredibly clever. We all laughed and laughed. Heck, I’m _still_ laughing! ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2012, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326/80 "2012-04-24T23:47:28Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > Compare and contrast Maria Shriver with the maid that Arnold impregnated. > > Or Elizabeth Hurley with Divine Brown. > > A more-attractive wife does not necessarily preclude a less-attractive fling. A third, and perhaps more salient comparison - Diana Spencer and Camilla Parker-Bowles. Diana was beautiful, Camilla…not so much, even in her younger years. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-introduce-an-insecure-wife-to-the-idea-of-female-friends/619326.md?page=5)