# How to jazz up an unimpressive resume' **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 24, 2008, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678 "2008-04-24T14:22:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2008, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/1 "2008-04-24T14:22:02Z")
Let’s say you’re wanting to produce a resume’ that will get you a high-paying, low-pressure, cushy job with a window office, your own computer, keys to the restroom of your persuasion and a personal parking spot. Only trouble is, you never really had any work experience beyond minimum-wage or backbreaking jobs. How do you rephrase what you did so that it sounds more “impotent” to “da man” when you get it down on paper? We need names for these less-than-graduate-school-required occupations: Burger flipper Grocery bagger Changer of tires/oil/wiper fluid Paper boy/girl Delivery driver for pizza or other fast food service Greeter at Wal-Mart or similar emporium Yardboy Poolboy Carhop Hooters mannequin Please note that the intent here is not to denigrate one’s employment. Rather it is to elevate the sound of the employment to the point of allowing it to qualify one for that corner office. If you feel your job is in the community of the ones listed, or if you can think of others ways to make a living that don’t sound all that impressive, by all means identify what it is and then “jazz up” its name. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2008, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/2 "2008-04-24T14:33:12Z")
[QUOTE=Zeldar] How do you rephrase what you did so that it sounds more “impotent” to “da man” when you get it down on paper? [/QUOTE] “I’d like to be harder on my employees, but really I’m just an old softy.” Burger flipper - Nutrition reversal technician Grocery bagger - Food service containment advisor Paper boy/girl - Information distribution manager Greeter at Wal-Mart - Public relations professional Yardboy - Professional landscaper Hooters mannequin - Hooters mannequin ---
**Author:** ![DanMnz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@DanMnz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanMnz)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2008, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/3 "2008-04-24T14:41:02Z")
Burger flipper Applicance and Food Quality Control Manager Grocery bagger Personal Assitant in a Fast Passed Environment Paper boy/girl Early Morning Courier Service Man/Woman Delivery driver for pizza or other fast food service Evening Courier Service Man/Woman Greeter at Wal-Mart or similar emporium Information Kiosk and Door Man/Woman Yardboy Landscaping Manager Hooters mannequin Tips Assistant 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Lunar\_Saltlick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/977dab/32.png) [@Lunar\_Saltlick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lunar_Saltlick)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2008, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/4 "2008-04-24T14:49:45Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] “I’d like to be harder on my employees, but really I’m just an old softy.” [/QUOTE] Nicely done. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/5 "2009-02-25T12:55:34Z")
bump ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/6 "2009-02-26T00:15:29Z")
When I used to do job searches, now and then I’d turn up a position for a “vacuum engineer”. I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek title for a janitor, but it turns out there really is such a professional as a vacuum engineer. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/7 "2009-02-26T00:35:44Z")
> [@teela\_brown](#): > > When I used to do job searches, now and then I’d turn up a position for a “vacuum engineer”. I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek title for a janitor, but it turns out there really is such a professional as a vacuum engineer. Odd that my first impression would be someone involved with chrome on bumper hitch or golf ball and garden hose. But that’s just me, perhaps. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/8 "2009-02-26T01:04:48Z")
You want a surefire way to jazz up a resume? I got one suggestion for you: glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/9 "2009-02-26T01:47:07Z")
> [@teela\_brown](#): > > When I used to do job searches, now and then I’d turn up a position for a “vacuum engineer”. I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek title for a janitor, but it turns out there really is such a professional as a vacuum engineer. Yes, but his job _really_ sucks. ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/10 "2009-02-26T03:19:06Z")
Burger flipper - Thermal nutrition engineer Grocery bagger - Dry goods containment technician Changer of tires/oil/wiper fluid - Automotive safety technical specialist Paper boy/girl - Information distribution technician Delivery driver for pizza or other fast food service - thermodynamic sustenance specialist Greeter at Wal-Mart or similar emporium - Business-to-public interface technician Poolboy - Exterior Chlorochemical Engineer Hooters mannequin - Silico-American public expert ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/11 "2009-02-26T18:14:00Z")
Instead of “Lawyer,” I usually put “Whorehouse Piano Player.” Makes a more positive impression. ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/12 "2009-02-26T18:29:09Z")
Oh good grief, just lie, everyone else seems to. ---
**Author:** ![Nanoda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Nanoda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nanoda)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-jazz-up-an-unimpressive-resume/446678/13 "2009-02-26T23:42:25Z")
For a few months I was a petroleum redistribution engineer.