# How to react to a new tranny? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2003, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610 "2003-07-19T18:07:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2003, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/21 "2003-07-20T06:22:01Z")
Well, in the opinion of this extremely smart slut, if people stop taking offense at these words, they will lose their power to offend. Duh! So start that process on its way by not getting offended. (Yes, even when offense was intended. Just pretend it wasn’t.) And racist=treating your white friends differently than you treat your black friends. And yes, I have pissed off friends of all possible colors and sexes. But they have forgiven me, because I am fun, and also I am usually right. Sometimes it takes a few years for people to realize this. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2003, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/22 "2003-07-20T06:46:58Z")
> [@](#): > > If people stop taking offense at these words, they will lose their power to offend. Duh! So start that process on its way by not getting offended. (Yes, even when offense was intended. Just pretend it wasn’t.) Duh indeed. If a term is offensive, it is not incumbent upon me or anyone else to pretend that it isn’t. Maybe that works for you, but surely you see that you can’t make it work for everyone. For example, you probably think by calling yourself a slut you are “taking the word back,” but IMO it sounds self-belittling and sad. Your mileage may vary and I’m sure does vary from mine on this, which is exactly my point. And MONZA never said he treated his white friends any diifferently than he treated his black friends. He didn’t say anything about how he treats anyone, and he didn’t say anything about his friends. I’m not trying to bust your chops here, but some people take allegations of racism very seriously, and it seems like your accusation about him is not even based on anything he actually said, but rather what you think he said. And racist=treating your white friends differently than you treat your black friends. ---
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2003, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/23 "2003-07-20T10:06:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by capybara \* > Dumb question: difference between transgender and transexual? Does this run along the line of the difference between “gender” and “sex”, where one is a cultural identity and one is a physical characteristic? I use these words the way you described it, but since there are various definitions, here some threads: [About cross-dressing](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=179182&highlight=transsexual+OR+transexual+OR+transgender+OR+transgendered) [Ask the transgendered person](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=67415) [Transsexual question](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=173009&highlight=transsexual+OR+transexual+OR+transgender+OR+transgendered) [Transgenders](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=48853&highlight=transsexual+OR+transexual+OR+transgender+OR+transgendered) [Do transgender people see themselves as “gay” or not?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=118553&highlight=transsexual+OR+transexual+OR+transgender+OR+transgendered) [GLBT: Why the “T”?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=2158862) [Transsexual etiquette](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=77814&highlight=transsexual+OR+transexual+OR+transgender+OR+transgendered) Hey **modro** , thanks. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > For example, to you being called a “transboy” is okay, but being called a “trannyboy” is not. I would not have thought it would be okay to call you either, because where I come from calling any male above the age of about 16 a “boy” implies a lack of maturity and/or independence, and is therefore probably mildly . . . well, if not insulting, at least irksome. Oh I understand, I still call myself a boy for the moment because due to various reasons I lack some kinds of social skills, don’t understand some social rituals, still live with my parents, never worked etc… Physically I look around 15, and last summer at a museum my dad has been asked how old I was because “it’s free to kids below twelve years old”. So all that plus the fact that I can wear t-shirts made for 10yo boys if I want to, all contribute to the “I feel boyish” factor. I’m 21yo in fact. > [@](#): > > I’m just pointing out that some of the distinctions you’re drawing seem very fine indeed to us outsiders, and I hope you have patience with us. It is of course always appropriate to refer to someone by the terms he or she prefers, but sometimes it’s hard to know or keep track of just what those terms are. I realize that yes, I have the same problems about “which words should I use” with other groups of people (fat folks, people of color, disabled folks etc…). And the distinction I was making is indeed fine, but come on I’m French! Everybody know we’re anal about the meaning of words and which ones to use. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krisfer_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2003, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/24 "2003-07-20T16:02:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lazz \* > \*\* but come on I’m French! Everybody know we’re anal about the meaning of words and which ones to use. 😉 \*\* Welcome to the boards kiddo! Keep that sense of humor and you will do just fine! ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/25 "2003-07-21T06:09:06Z")
I stand by ny original post. If you think a word derogatory, don’t use it. If you feel you’re part of a group that has been subject to unfair discrimination, how in the heck do you qualify using a word you deem derogatory in conversation. “Recapturing” the word is BS if you continue to use it amongst yourselves. And if you do continue to use it amongst yourselves, pretending offense is pretty much just pretending. Or not really trying to be part of society. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/26 "2003-07-21T07:48:55Z")
I agree completely with **Ringo’s** post above. When those who complain of discrimination or some sort of _ISM_ based on the use of particular words and who THEN turn around and use those same words self-referentially, it makes a mockery of the claims of victimisation. If the words in themselves are so hurtful, then they should not be used…by anybody. It is also a form of discrimination in itself: reserving the use of some parts of our language for those who are most deserving (by virtue of their particular minority status) while denying such opportunities to others who do not have the ‘approved’ sexual orientation/colour/gender/ethnicity or race etc. While ‘payback’ discrimination might salve some of the wounds experienced by those who have suffered years of physical and mental abuse at the hands of ‘the majority’, it does nothing nowadays to facilitate their acceptance by the mainstream…it’s counterproductive IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/27 "2003-07-21T09:57:14Z")
Somehow I don’t think it is up to people from the majority group/group in power to tell the minority/lesser group which words they shouldn’t use, but I suppose it’s debatable, like all things. I admit I’m not really interested in that debate, it’s too much theorical and I don’t know if I could trust my English in that realm. I’m more concerned about how I, at my level, can show people how to make feel a transperson safer in the day to day life. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/28 "2003-07-21T10:05:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lazz \* > \*\*Somehow I don’t think it is up to people from the majority group/group in power to tell the minority/lesser group which words they shouldn’t use, but I suppose it’s debatable, like all things. > \*\* **Lazz** , in this instance it is the minority group (of whichever persuasion) who is telling the rest of us (who don’t dance to the same tune) which words are to be used, not the other way around. It is the minorities who are dictating the appropriate language, despite using the same language themselves. THAT is my concern. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/29 "2003-07-21T10:15:20Z")
And before I am flayed at the whipping post for being criminally insensitive to the plight of those who have suffered oppression for their sexuality/gender/race/ethnicity/disability etc, I am NOT condoning the redneck who screams abuse at you while including the adjectival ‘tranny’ or ‘poofta’ or ‘nigger’ or ‘kraut’ or ‘dyke’, generally prefaced by some sort of obscenity. The use of that sort of language WITH THE MALICIOUS AND FUCKTARDED INTENT TO HURT AND DAMAGE is NOT what I am talking about. You will never win over the ignoramus who has his/her head stuck up their own arse. But you WILL make life a lot easier for yourself (whatever your minority status) if you give the rest of us a bit of a break about the use of mere reference words. ---
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/30 "2003-07-21T12:22:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kambuckta \* > **Lazz** , in this instance it is the minority group (of whichever persuasion) who is telling the rest of us (who don’t dance to the same tune) which words are to be used, not the other way around. That’s my point. It’s an attempt for a group who don’t have any or few power to gain some control over its life, to set some boundaries when you belong to a group who historically have very few space of its own. > [@](#): > > The use of that sort of language WITH THE MALICIOUS AND FUCKTARDED INTENT TO HURT AND DAMAGE is NOT what I am talking about. I think we all agree here don’t worry. I didn’t find you insensitive in your posts. > [@](#): > > But you WILL make life a lot easier for yourself (whatever your minority status) if you give the rest of us a bit of a break about the use of **mere reference words.** (bolding mine) That is what I don’t agree with, for you it’s simply words and it doesn’t have an impact on you, but during all my teen years I’ve grown up with words applied to me, words people didn’t really think how I would grow up when I hear/see them often, as a result I grew up thinking I was really really screwed up mentally wise, some freaky kid suffering from a “Benjamin’s syndrome with masculine vocation”. This expression is a reference word where I live, and the people, the doctors, who use it toward us honestly don’t see anything wrong with it. To come back to the word “tranny”, seriously it has blown up out of proportion, I said I wasn’t fond of the word, I said why, it’s a word I don’t even use and even one I would be glad if no one at all, trans or not, was using it. As I said it’s a pet peeve. Now I think that my error comes from that: If I talked about how I would people not using it, except for trans folks, it was only to cover my ass, because I know transfolks who use and like this word for the very reasons I don’t like it myself. So if they want to apply this word to them, fine. I wasn’t thinking at all about the debate about outsiders using “inside” negative words. I wasn’t really thinking that far and about how my sentence would be taken. I really should have phrased my original post better. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/31 "2003-07-21T12:47:19Z")
(Back to the OP) Sort of like shaking hands with a guy who has hooks. Just 'cause you find it unusual doesn’t mean she does. She ought to help you through your awkward moments. It is just common courtesy. Besides she knows you (like a zillion other people) are/were feeling a bit off-put. She knows how to handle this social situation. Follow her lead. ---
**Author:** ![KellyM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/57b2e6/32.png) [@KellyM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyM)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/32 "2003-07-21T13:57:29Z")
For what it’s worth, I’m not the least bit bothered by “tranny” as long as it’s not used in a derisive way. I consider myself reasonably capable at differentiating offensive and nonoffensive uses. ---
**Author:** ![KellyM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/57b2e6/32.png) [@KellyM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyM)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/33 "2003-07-21T14:00:08Z")
On the OP: “I’m sorry, I think we’ve met before, but I didn’t catch your name. I’m \.” ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/34 "2003-07-21T14:20:40Z")
To me, the words that are “loaded” are the ones that connect two (or more) different meanings and imply that they are inherently associated. _Nigger_ is such a word because it explicitly means “slave” and also “black person” and by doing that it says to have the nature of the one is to have the nature of the other. That makes it a threat as well. Other words are more easily rescued no matter how often they’ve been used as epithets and insults. If “fag” means “gay guy” and “slut” means “sexually precocious female”, one can accept them and say “yeah, so?” and they start to lose their bite if enough people embrace them. (I think this has effectively happened with “dyke”, in fact, although YMMV). ---
**Author:** ![KellyM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/57b2e6/32.png) [@KellyM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyM)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/35 "2003-07-21T14:29:54Z")
**AHunter3** , I think “dyke” has been reclaimed, although “lesbo” has not yet. I am quite willing to go by the label of “tranny dyke”. ---
**Author:** ![Stage\_Manager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stage_manager/32/7267_2.png) [@Stage\_Manager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stage_Manager)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/36 "2003-07-21T17:19:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by KellyM \* > \*\*On the OP: “I’m sorry, I think we’ve met before, but I didn’t catch your name. I’m \.” \*\* See, that one wouldn’t work at all; she started the conversation with “It’s been SO LONG since I’ve seen you!” I’m just wondering how to ask, if I see her again, what she wants to be called. ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2003, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/37 "2003-07-21T22:12:21Z")
Quote Shakespeare to her, _“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”_ And then simply ask her what she prefers to be called . ---
**Author:** ![KellyM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/57b2e6/32.png) [@KellyM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyM)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2003, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/38 "2003-07-22T02:00:49Z")
I suggest asking Miss Manners. I’m sure she’d have an answer. In fact, I am seriously tempted to submit this as a question for her, if you won’t. Her email is [MissManners@unitedmedia.com](mailto:MissManners@unitedmedia.com). ---
**Author:** ![Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krisfer_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2003, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/39 "2003-07-22T02:07:28Z")
If you do **KellyM** please report back on what her answer is… I am very interested in her response. Knowing me I’d say something like “WOW! our lives have obviously gone down VERY different roads! Looks like calling you Craig is out… so what name do you have now? And please dont let it be mine cause you have WAY better taste than that! Mine sucks!” ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2003, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610/40 "2003-07-22T02:14:51Z")
So in other words, she admitted first that she knew you, she was well aware of the fact that the last time you saw her she was a he, and she didn’t have the courtesy to tell you her new name? Sounds to me like it’s her social problem, not yours. When one changes one’s name, it’s generally common courtesy to inform people you meet of that fact, not make them fish around for a polite way of asking what really is something you should have told them up front. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-react-to-a-new-tranny/189610.md?page=3)