# How to reassure a woman who feels ugly? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2008, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927 "2008-11-16T00:01:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2008, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/41 "2008-11-17T05:30:34Z")
Ok, so we had a chance to have a good talk tonight. I made dinner and she came over and we yakked. **Lavender Falcon** and **eleanorigby** pretty much nailed it. Getting older, seeing a couple of gray hairs, feels fat, looks 40, and feels ugly. And she’s never going back to that hair salon. She spent 30 minutes staring at the ceiling at her crow’s feet. Or something. I don’t know why you’d be looking at the ceiling in a hair salon, but there’s precious little I actually know about the finer sex. Long story short, it was our first time to really sit and talk for over a week, and venting really helped. I sat, I listened, I nodded along. At the end, she told me that I always know “just the right things to say,” which apparently implies that nodding is saying. I told her that she’s more lovely than the day we met, because I can now truly appreciate the beauty that she embodies in myriad ways. We hugged. I gave her a to-go package with some leftovers. Honestly, I’m not exactly sure what happened, except that I just gave her the space to feel what she wanted to feel, and then it seemed to pass, like blue sky immediately following a summer hail storm in the prairies. Knowing her, we’re done with the storm front of that crisis. Thanks again for helpful thoughts, advice, experiences, and insights. It was truly helpful. > [@Brandon](#): > > I will throw a question out there that you don’t necessarily have to answer: Why have you devoted so much time to her _self_-esteem? Because she’s my best friend and I love her. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2008, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/42 "2008-11-17T06:16:29Z")
The problem might not be so much that she doesn’t look or feel 25, it could be that she’s sad simply because she isn’t 25. I mean no matter how hot you look or how “cool” or fun you are to hang out with most people don’t like being the oldest one in the club. > [@SmartAleq](#): > > Bottom line is you can say meaningless pleasantries and tepid comments to a woman all you like, but if you want her to KNOW she’s a hottie you pretty much have to fuck her blue. Right. Because having sex for validation seems to work great for girls of all ages. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2008, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/43 "2008-11-17T07:05:57Z")
Next time you’re out with her, go ask (or pay) some random attractive dude who’s on his way out to stop by your table and say something like “I just wanted to say that I really love how you’ve done your hair.” ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2008, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/44 "2008-11-17T23:27:32Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Right. Because having sex for validation seems to work great for girls of all ages. Hey, if it bugs you don’t do it–me, I like having my guy slobbering all over me and chasing me around with a hardon. Perhaps I’m just a simple soul, or perhaps I’ve just heard too many cheap words with nothing to back them up. YM obviously V. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/45 "2008-11-18T01:21:18Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > You, madam, are nuts. I have met you and can say with confidence that you are gorgeous! I know feeling attractive must come from within but rest assured that this is just a case of your self-esteem having to catch up with what is already there. This is very sweet, by the way. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![criminey.jicket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@criminey.jicket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/criminey.jicket)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/46 "2008-11-18T01:48:22Z")
> [@Standup\_Karmic](#): > > I told her that she’s more lovely than the day we met, because I can now truly appreciate the beauty that she embodies in myriad ways. We hugged. I gave her a to-go package with some leftovers. You’re a good man, [del]Charlie Brown[/del] Standup Karmic. ---
**Author:** ![diggleblop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@diggleblop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diggleblop)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/47 "2008-11-18T02:19:13Z")
I don’t really try to reassure people with issues like these. People are adults, not young teenagers, I feel they should act like it. I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but getting older is just that…getting older. Sounds like she needs to accept this more so than what she looks like. Hell, I don’t know her though, but my advice is to maybe tell her that she still looks good and let sleeping geese honk. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/48 "2008-11-18T20:39:13Z")
> [@SmartAleq](#): > > Hey, if it bugs you don’t do it–me, I like having my guy slobbering all over me and chasing me around with a hardon. Perhaps I’m just a simple soul, or perhaps I’ve just heard too many cheap words with nothing to back them up. YM obviously V. Maybe I’ve just seen too many “cougars” trying just a little too hard. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/49 "2008-11-19T00:56:16Z")
> [@Standup\_Karmic](#): > > Honestly, I’m not exactly sure what happened, except that I just gave her the space to feel what she wanted to feel, and then it seemed to pass, like blue sky immediately following a summer hail storm in the prairies. Knowing her, we’re done with the storm front of that crisis. > > Thanks again for helpful thoughts, advice, experiences, and insights. It was truly helpful. > > Because she’s my best friend and I love her. Jesus-can we clone you? You LISTENED to her and let her express her feelings. This is much rarer than you think. Well done. Would that we all had men in our lives that just LISTENED to us, didn’t try to take over or solve the problem and didn’t dismiss it because they don’t know how to help. You are a very good friend to her indeed. I’m not interested in anyone fucking me blue (well, perhaps not as a solution to my problems), but I can see where that would have a place. If you don’t want to be fucked blue, then don’t be. Play nice, girls! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Brandon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f08c70/32.png) [@Brandon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brandon)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/50 "2008-11-19T08:16:17Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > The OP would have to let us know. His hearing may be 20/20 but if her _perception_ is that he’s dismissive, well…you know. Yea, I understand what you’re getting at. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > Jesus-can we clone you? You LISTENED to her and let her express her feelings. This is much rarer than you think. Well done. Would that we all had men in our lives that just LISTENED to us, didn’t try to take over or solve the problem and didn’t dismiss it because they don’t know how to help. You are a very good friend to her indeed. Seconding the cloning motion. The reproductions can handle all the whining, and when that’s done, I’ll take care of the remedy put forth by **SmartAleq**. Maybe that tandem approach will rid the world of all women who falsely believe (temporarily or otherwise) they are ugly. Seriously though, I’m glad you feel everything is taken care of, **Standup Karmic**. I hope that the storm truly is weathered. Also, I think you were correct in your earlier assessment that you misrepresented the situation. To me, it certainly seemed like you had already tried listening and complimenting her. I may have just had poor comprehension of it all. > [@Standup\_Karmic](#): > > I sat, I listened, I nodded along. At the end, she told me that I always know “just the right things to say,” which apparently implies that nodding is saying. That certainly seems to fit in with the “pouncing” someone apparently did earlier. Just letting you know since you were intrigued by the concept that **Scarlett67** suggested. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/51 "2008-11-19T15:39:10Z")
Oops. My “play nice” was meant in jest. No junior modding intended. ---
**Author:** ![UntouchedTakeaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d78d45/32.png) [@UntouchedTakeaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UntouchedTakeaway)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/52 "2008-11-19T18:01:01Z")
I don’t know that you can. Without going into gory details, I am at a point in my life where my self-loathing is at an all-time high and my self-esteem is lower than it’s ever been (and trust me, it’s been low all my life). I _despise_ myself. I hate my looks. I have been put into a situation that is most likely going to drive me into financial ruin. I’ve gained back weight after 3 years of successful post-gastric bypass maintenance. I try to keep my self-abrasion to myself for the most part, but of course, some of my friends are aware. They are very kind, and the best thing they say is “I don’t see you like that”. In my calmer moments, I reflect on that and it’s some comfort. VCNJ~ ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/53 "2008-11-19T18:11:52Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Jesus-can we clone you? You LISTENED to her and let her express her feelings. This is much rarer than you think. Well done. Would that we all had men in our lives that just LISTENED to us, didn’t try to take over or solve the problem and didn’t dismiss it because they don’t know how to help. You are a very good friend to her indeed. Yeah, the ladies like it when you listen instead of trying to fix their problem. Unless they are telling you to actually do something. Like when I told my girlfriend “I sympathize that you are hungry, not that you wanted me to fix you dinner” to which she replied “what are you insane! I wanted you to put dinner in the over so we had something to eat tonight!” ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/54 "2008-11-19T18:32:13Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Yeah, the ladies like it when you listen instead of trying to fix their problem. > > Unless they are telling you to actually do something. Like when I told my girlfriend “I sympathize that you are hungry, not that you wanted me to fix you dinner” to which she replied “what are you insane! I wanted you to put dinner in the over so we had something to eat tonight!” Well, if you’ve listened, you would’ve known and put the damn food in the oven! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/55 "2008-11-19T20:02:40Z")
> [@KarlGrenze](#): > > Well, if you’ve listened, you would’ve known and put the damn food in the oven! 😉 True, but what is up with her? Why not just say, hey–put dinner in the oven, I’m starving? Direct statements and requests I can handle. What I admire about the OP is that he just let his friend blather on about her"issues"–that’s what I mean by listening. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/56 "2008-11-19T21:15:29Z")
If this was an actual situation, not just **msmith** being funny, if she said, “I’m hungry.” and left it at that, her bad. If she said, “I’m hungry - would you mind popping that frozen casserole in the oven?” it is your bad. I don’t think there are many women left who haven’t heard that men are fixers and doers; if they still want to try to communicate by broadcasting their brainwaves at their men and hoping the men figure out if it is a listen or a do situation, too bad for them. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927/57 "2008-11-19T23:43:49Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > If this was an actual situation, not just **msmith** being funny, if she said, “I’m hungry.” and left it at that, her bad. If she said, “I’m hungry - would you mind popping that frozen casserole in the oven?” it is your bad. I don’t think there are many women left who haven’t heard that men are fixers and doers; if they still want to try to communicate by broadcasting their brainwaves at their men and hoping the men figure out if it is a listen or a do situation, too bad for them. Yes, my bad. :smack: I thought of the situation “I’m hungry, please put the food in the oven”, instead of just the “I’m hungry”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-reassure-a-woman-who-feels-ugly/472927.md?page=2)