# How to respond to an inappropriate question? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2010, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376 "2010-08-25T06:11:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/181 "2010-08-26T23:12:47Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > I guess I’m confused why it makes a difference _why_ the OP feels the question is rude. You (the general you) are under no obligation to answer anyone’s question about anything and you owe no one any explanation. You don’t get why she finds it rude? Who cares? You’re not the one being asked. > > I think the OP got a lot of good suggestions that can be used in a variety of situations, not just about artwork. Nobody is suggesting that someone is EVIL for asking a question that makes someone else uncomfortable. People are simply exchanging things to say in any situation where someone asks you something you’re disinclined to answer. Because, perhaps, some of us believe that it’s more polite to assume good faith on the part of such a questioner, and some of the responses suggested and attitudes displayed were not exactly conducive to that. Asking “why do you think it’s rude” opens up a larger discussion about differing values that might give the OP a space in her head in which to say “well, they don’t mean offense, that might be the way their social group operates” and possibly as a result moderate her answer. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/182 "2010-08-26T23:52:42Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > Because, perhaps, some of us believe that it’s more polite to assume good faith on the part of such a questioner, and some of the responses suggested and attitudes displayed were not exactly conducive to that. Asking “why do you think it’s rude” opens up a larger discussion about differing values that might **give the OP a space in her head in which to say** “well, they don’t mean offense, that might be the way their social group operates”\*\* and possibly as a result moderate her answer.\*\* Have you even read her responses? Sheesh! [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12838998&postcount=6](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12838998&postcount=6) And especially this: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12839945&postcount=64](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12839945&postcount=64) ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/183 "2010-08-27T00:21:48Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Does one have to qualify everything to death around here? [del]Yes[/del]. Sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/184 "2010-08-27T00:50:44Z")
When I read the title of this thread I thought this was going to be all about the deliberately rude things people say to try to make you feel on a lower level than them. In theory I guess this _could_ be such a question – if you were to start bragging about cost, you’d have “lost” that battle, because you’d be trying to win their approval. But I think it’s at least as likely to not be a rude question. Firstly someone generally ignorant of art may struggle for something to say. I’ve certainly been in that position where any question I ask may expose my ignorance, but I’ve been luckier and found slightly safer things like: So, how long have you had this? And secondly, they may like it, and wonder as a ballpark figure how much it would cost to get something similar (obviously it could be a unique item, but if you were to say it was fairly cheap then they might assume it is not unique and ask where you got it etc). Art is special wrt price because there are only loose “rules” guiding whether something is worth 100k instead of 1k. If a guest asked how much, say, your sofa, was worth, that’s more likely to simply be a rude question: they should have a vague idea what sofas cost, so why are they asking? Are they implying that you bought a cheap, inferior-quality sofa? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/185 "2010-08-27T01:14:54Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > > [@TriPolar](#): > > > > You said, “Honesty can sometimes be quite rude in itself, and a horribly bad idea.” > > So it is in direct response to your endorsement of dishonesty. Perhaps you actually meant keeping quiet, which is not dishonest if you are not obligated to provide information. > > Show me anywhere where I said that dishonesty was a virtue, or admit that you are just blowing bilge. You are absolutely correct. You did not say that dishonesty was a virtue. You did say honesty is a horribly bad idea. I consider those equivalent in nature. However, that is still an exagerration of your intent on my part, because I think you only meant that one should avoid the issue altogether, not to be dishonest. I still disagree with your basic concept that honesty is ever rude, or ever a bad idea. Don’t bother telling me the exceptions you think exist. Any would be wrong, or based on a misconception of what honesty is. It is a virtue, and it is always the best policy. Now why don’t you admit that honesty is not rude. People who cannot deal with the truth should not blame their failings on others. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/186 "2010-08-27T01:40:23Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Have you even read her responses? Sheesh! I have, and I’ve read the responses in the thread that essentially say the askers are being deliberately rude to her. Continuing to provide a voice of moderation. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/187 "2010-08-27T01:59:01Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > > [@TruCelt](#): > > > > Have you even read her responses? Sheesh! > > I have, and I’ve read the responses in the thread that essentially say the askers are being deliberately rude to her. Continuing to provide a voice of moderation. Note the portion of your words **TruCelt** bolded, which I suspect are what was being responded to there. > [@Zeriel](#): > > …give the OP a space in her head in which to say “well, they don’t mean offense, that might be the way their social group operates” and possibly as a result moderate her answer. The OP, **Fried Dough Ho** was _looking_ to moderate her answer, to not be rude in return. That was the original point of the thread. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/188 "2010-08-27T02:02:33Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > If we respect that some people do, and you respect that some people don’t, then hey, we’ve reached an understanding. > > And to come full circle, > _when you are not sure whether a question will offend someone or not, the polite action is to not ask it_. That depends on you being unsure about whether a question will offend someone. Fried Dough Ho, it might be worth bearing in mind that the question isn’t considered universally rude; if someone’s being rude, then they’re trying to make you uncomfortable, but if they’re just asking a question that you consider rude but that they don’t, then any discomfort is on your end. However, you were the only one who was actually there, and tone of voice counts for a lot; I could imagine ‘how much did THAT cost?’ coming across as very rude. I do LOVE the ‘answer the question you wanted to answer’ technique from TruCelt - that’s useful for a lot of situations. So, it seems it’s best for you to answer ‘well, it was a one-off,’ and then lead into a discussion of the work or change the subject. (I know other people have said the same - I’m just seconding/whatevering them). And now I know that it’s best not to ask an American how much their artwork cost, even if it looks like something I’d consider buying myself. That’s useful information. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/189 "2010-08-27T02:12:28Z")
> [@BMalion](#): > > But you failed to question if the asker was a good choice for anal sex. Aluminum or White Ash? (I’m thinking White Ash; old, aged, well used from baseball. So well used that some splinters might teach the seat of the asker/guest what poor parenting and at least 2 decades of age haven’t so far. ) ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/190 "2010-08-27T10:27:41Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > … Aluminum or White Ash? > > … Oysters or snails? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/191 "2010-08-27T11:40:44Z")
> [@BMalion](#): > > > [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > > > … Aluminum or White Ash? > > > > … > > Oysters or snails? You do throw the best parties…! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/192 "2010-08-27T13:08:05Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > You think you’re better than me? > > Yes, but not because of our relative salaries. :D:cool: My uncle makes more than your sister. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/193 "2010-08-27T13:55:24Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > > [@Zeriel](#): > > > > Yes, but not because of our relative salaries. :D:cool: > > My uncle makes more than your sister. Choose your response from the following: That’s not my SISTER. That’s not MY sister. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/194 "2010-08-27T14:01:35Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > The OP, **Fried Dough Ho** was _looking_ to moderate her answer, to not be rude in return. That was the original point of the thread. I agree. And I was recalling that, in the face of other advice on the thread, such as… > [@rhubarbarin](#): > > Whenever I feel like someone is asking a rude question I don’t want to answer, I usually blow it off with an incredulous chuckle, and then say ‘I don’t know why you would ask that’, followed with something blunter like ‘That’s rude’ if they persist. I’ve sure hurt some feelings and/or made people feel awkward by doing this, but **they deserved it** , > [@pbbth](#): > > **Rude person** - How much did you pay for that piece? > You - Anal sex. And several others who are just making the assumption that the questioner is “rude” rather than simply “not sharing the same cultural values”. Not to mention the frankly creepy comment about baseball bats that was after my original statement. As long as there continue to be arguments in the thread that are, essentially, “anyone who asks that is terribly rude, and you are justified in saying/doing whatever you want in response” I feel like I am perfectly justified in saying “just remember that they’re NOT NECESSARILY BEING RUDE, even in many US cultures (as evidenced by other of this thread’s responses), so it’s probably best to assume they’re asking in good faith until they prove otherwise.” ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/195 "2010-08-27T14:15:04Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > “anyone who asks that is terribly rude, and you are justified in saying/doing whatever you want in response” I feel like I am perfectly justified in saying “just remember that they’re NOT NECESSARILY BEING RUDE, even in many US cultures (as evidenced by other of this thread’s responses), so it’s probably best to assume they’re asking in good faith until they prove otherwise.” To be clear, no matter how rude a person is, it is 10 times ruder to retaliate in kind. It is also extremely bad manners to inform someone of their rudeness, particularly in front of other people. So just to be clear on my position, I believe the question is a rude one, as any question on the subject of religion, sex, or finances is inherently rude when you barely know the other person. A gracious person would not put their host in an uncomfortable position by asking an intrusive question. However, there is never an excuse for responding rudely. A gracious host assumes that the error was inadvertent. The OP specifically wants to know how to respond without being rude, when a rude question is asked. Various approaches have been suggested, such as: probing for more information (“are you interested in buying one?”), changing the subject to something you DO want to talk about (“let me tell you how it’s made…”), lightly evading (“oh a bit, but it was worth it to me”), and white lies (“it was a gift”). ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/196 "2010-08-27T21:01:35Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > > [@Contrapuntal](#): > > > > Show me anywhere where I said that dishonesty was a virtue, or admit that you are just blowing bilge. > > You are absolutely correct. You did not say that dishonesty was a virtue. You did say honesty is a horribly bad idea. Your constant misrepresentation of my posts is becoming tiresome. I am beginning to think that you are doing it on purpose. Show me anywhere that I said honesty is a horribly bad idea, or shut the fuck up. > [@](#): > > I consider those equivalent in nature. However, that is still an exagerration of your intent on my part, because I think you only meant that one should avoid the issue altogether, not to be dishonest. I still disagree with your basic concept that honesty is ever rude, or ever a bad idea. Don’t bother telling me the exceptions you think exist. Any would be wrong, or based on a misconception of what honesty is. It is a virtue, and it is always the best policy. Way to keep an open mind. > [@](#): > > Now why don’t you admit that honesty is not rude. People who cannot deal with the truth should not blame their failings on others. Honesty can sometimes be very rude. I would give you examples but you have cleverly forestalled that by sticking your fingers in your ears. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/197 "2010-08-27T21:38:22Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Incidentally, if you have something out on display, you’re already bragging about it. I strongly disagree. What I have displayed in my home is there because it makes me happy. My wife and I have a personal connection to every piece of art (we know the artist, or got it at a fundraiser event for a cause we believe in, or we just love to look at it). I spend a lot of time in my home. Some of the furniture, artwork, and decorations in the house are mass-produced stuff, and some are originals. A few were custom made just for us. Some are family pictures or hand-me-downs that having meaning for us. None of it is there to impress other people, and the price is completely irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2010, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/198 "2010-08-27T23:38:40Z")
> [@scifisam2009](#): > > Fried Dough Ho, it might be worth bearing in mind that the question isn’t considered universally rude; if someone’s being rude, then they’re trying to make you uncomfortable, but if they’re just asking a question that you consider rude but that they don’t, then any discomfort is on your end. > [@Zeriel](#): > > And several others who are just making the assumption that the questioner is “rude” rather than simply “not sharing the same cultural values”. > … > As long as there continue to be arguments in the thread that are, essentially, “anyone who asks that is terribly rude, and you are justified in saying/doing whatever you want in response” I feel like I am perfectly justified in saying "just remember that they’re NOT NECESSARILY BEING RUDE, I must take issue. Rudeness is not a function of intent. For example, if I am in a culture where sitting to show the soles of the feet is understood as a rude gesture, and I do it because I just don’t know any better, then _I am being rude_. It doesn’t matter if I “agree with” the code that is interpreting the rudeness, nor if I had only friendly intentions. Rudeness _can_ come from malice, sure, or even a principled, deliberate challenge to another’s values. But most often, I think, it comes from insensitivity and ignorance. > [@Hello\_Again](#): > > To be clear, no matter how rude a person is, it is 10 times ruder to retaliate in kind. It is also extremely bad manners to inform someone of their rudeness, particularly in front of other people. > … > A gracious host assumes that the error was inadvertent. Absolutely, yes. Perhaps the ideal response is one so gracious and gentle that the transgressor never perceives themselves to be rebuked, yet is still educated a little about the cultural or philosophical basis that find their actions objectionable. That’s certainly not easy, and probably sometimes impossible, but it sounds like a good aspiration to me. ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/199 "2010-08-28T00:20:58Z")
I too don’t get why this is a forbidden question. What if I walked past your desk and saw you eating the blue plate special from the cafeteria. Would it be OK if I asked how much they were charging for it? But if you really don’t want to tell them, don’t weasel out of your self-induced predicament with a snappy come-back, just say it’s a secret. That’s what it boils down to. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/200 "2010-08-28T00:46:55Z")
> [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](#): > > I too don’t get why this is a forbidden question. > > What if I walked past your desk and saw you eating the blue plate special from the cafeteria. Would it be OK if I asked how much they were charging for it? > > But if you really don’t want to tell them, don’t weasel out of your self-induced predicament with a snappy come-back, just say it’s a secret. That’s what it boils down to. Your answer almost makes it seem that you are offended that this is a question the OP doesn’t want to answer. What difference does it make _what_ the question is that a person doesn’t want to answer? Someone should never make someone feel bad about asking a question unless the question itself is seriously effed up (“So how often do you fuck your wife in the ass?” ). So,as it has been pointed out several times, the OP isn’t looking for a witty retort. She’s looking for something she can say if the question comes up again. We can all play the dumb question game (can I ask what you paid for your newspaper hurrr durr durr?) but the OP isn’t asking what you’re insinuating that she’s asking or did you read the thread? She isn’t looking to make anyone feel bad so your “snappy come-back” nonsense is ridiculous. No one is saying “OMG you’re an evil fucktard if you ask about ART!” They are saying that if she doesn’t want to answer an almost stranger about it she can deflect it politely by using “x” suggestion. Your bewilderment that someone would want to find a way to answer someone without making them feel bad or giving away information she doesn’t want to discuss is frankly baffling. A few people in this thread are reacting as if her OP says “OMG these stupid hilljacks come into my house and ask me what my ART costs as if THEY know what REAL ART is. :: haughty sniffing :: Disgusting masses of uncultured boors! What can I say to them to make them realize they are dirt under my feet and make them think twice about asking things in the future!?” I mean, how DARE someone ask opinions on how to gently deflect a question. The nerve of her! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376.md?page=11)