# How to respond to an inappropriate question? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2010, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376 "2010-08-25T06:11:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/81 "2010-08-25T16:50:12Z")
> [@SmartAlecCat](#): > > Actually [Priceless: The Myth of Fair Value (and How to Take Advantage of It)](http://www.amazon.com/Priceless-Myth-Fair-Value-Advantage/dp/080909469X) discusses some research showing that knowledge of the price has a definite effect on appreciation. > > For example, if you give two glasses of the same wine to two people, and tell one it is cheap swill and tell the other it is a very expensive vintage, they will have a different perception of the wine. They’ve actually shown different physical reactions in brain scans with such experiments. Slight hijack here, but… That’s very interesting. I recently read something similar about blind taste tests of some cheap brands of whiskey. (I think.) The results they were getting were not at all what they were expecting. As it turns out most people prefered the taste of whichever whiskey came out the cool looking bottle. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/82 "2010-08-25T16:55:39Z")
> [@SmartAlecCat](#): > > > [@spark240](#): > > > > The price a work’s present owner paid is _not important_ (unless you’re sufficiently interested to be in the market yourself). If the amount of that past transaction were $1,000 more or less, what difference would that make to the appreciation of the work’s presence here and now? None. > > Actually [Priceless: The Myth of Fair Value (and How to Take Advantage of It)](http://www.amazon.com/Priceless-Myth-Fair-Value-Advantage/dp/080909469X) discusses some research showing that knowledge of the price has a definite effect on appreciation. > > For example, if you give two glasses of the same wine to two people, and tell one it is cheap swill and tell the other it is a very expensive vintage, they will have a different perception of the wine. They’ve actually shown different physical reactions in brain scans with such experiments. You’re right. I should have said “what difference _should_ that make.” The fact that it _can_ make a difference simply illustrates to me that our larger culture _is_ philistine. (Has any of that research made cross-cultural comparisons?) For lack of other understanding, too many of us have had our brains wired to react to price tags as definitive. We who find deeper values need to do more to transmit these, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/83 "2010-08-25T16:57:37Z")
> [@SmartAlecCat](#): > > Strive to do the right thing yourself, but if someone else does the wrong thing, you should assume they are human and made a simple mistake and try to find the best way through. This is priceless advice. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/84 "2010-08-25T17:01:39Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > The fact that it _can_ make a difference simply illustrates to me that our larger culture _is_ philistine. What it means is that our species is human. Yes, it is cross-cultural and cross-era. A great book on this is _Blink_ by Malcolm Gladwell. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/85 "2010-08-25T17:10:43Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Yes, it is cross-cultural and cross-era. A great book on this is _Blink_ by Malcolm Gladwell. Have you got a cite for the first? You may be right, but I’m not prepared to believe that without reading real research for myself. I read _Blink_ and don’t recall it being “on this.” You’ll have to explain what you mean. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/86 "2010-08-25T17:26:50Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > The only boorish behavior I see on exhibit here is your apparent eagerness to insult a guest in your home. (Simply stating “I prefer not to say” doesn’t appear to do enough to convey that this _possession_ of yours is more important in your eyes than the person you’ve invited in.) Seriously, where I’m from even the lowest uneducated trash have better sense than that. No, no that’s not the boorish behavior here. I don’t care where you’re from in the world. In justifying your belief you have chosen to characterize the OP as someone who isn’t even as good as the lowest uneducated trash in this horrific place you’re from. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/87 "2010-08-25T17:32:35Z")
This is going to be a no-win because the object in question is a woven sculpture, and when most people think of woven sculpture, they imagine a basket from Pier 1. If the OP answers the question honestly, whether the other person asked it with the best of intentions, with pure ignorance or outright rudeness, the other person is going to think “jeez, I could get something like that for $12.95.” Therefore, the only way to answer the question is “This is a one-of-a-kind, but I can give you some information about the artist if you’re interested in his work.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/88 "2010-08-25T17:35:47Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Have you got a cite for the first? You may be right, but I’m not prepared to believe that without reading real research for myself. > > I read _Blink_ and don’t recall it being “on this.” You’ll have to explain what you mean. It wasn’t specifically on attaching value to art per se, but it had plenty of great examples. The whiskey taste test that I mentioned above. The orchestra director who found the best trombone player in the world, until he found out she was a woman. Kenna (Weaker example, I admit). It shouldn’t take a lot of proof to convince you, though. Haven’t you had this experience yourself? I have, many times. I was in an art gallery a few years ago and saw a painting that I thought was good, but nothing special. Then I saw the price tag. $300,000 for a watercolor? Woah! I ended up spending about 20 minutes looking at it, and the more I looked, the more I saw. We all look for little clues to help us know what to think about something. Most people would probably not admit it, because it would mean that they’re not as free-thinking as they would like to believe. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But if you want evidence, just look at Madison Avenue. Advertizing is a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s that big because it works. They tell us what to think about a product, we think that, and we buy it. Of course, if you ask anyone if they’re influenced by advertizing, they will say no. But the folks on Madison Avenue are no fools. They know what they’re doing. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/89 "2010-08-25T17:38:55Z")
> [@stpauler](#): > > > [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > > > Oh, for someone that is rude beyond words I try to go with one I read in some etiquette column… > > > > Rude Person: Blah blah blah reallly rude > > Me: :: stands blinking for an internal count of three :: > > Me: I’m sorry, what did you ask? > > Rude Person either shuts up or: Blah blah blah really rude? > > Me: (if they ask again) That’s what I thought you asked. > > > > :: me walk away :: > > I had conversation as follows with a family member. > > Aunt: Can you look at my computer here? > Me: (tap tap tap) Ah, you’ve got a virus that fucked up your computer. All better now. > Aunt: I’m sorry, what did you say? > Me: You’ve got a virus that fucked up your computer. All better now. > Aunt: I heard what you said, I just don’t appreciate you swearing around me. > Me: Then don’t ask me to repeat it if you didn’t like it. > > I had social engineering questions like that. Passive aggressive bullshit and far from true etiquette at all. You’ll pardon me if I don’t take etiquette advice from someone who can’t restrain himself from dropping the f bomb in the company of someone who would prefer not to hear it? Oh yes, I know you fixed her computer and therefore she should have to absorb your poor manners, but you’ve hardly shown yourself to be Mr Etiquette in this situation regardless of how funny you think your retort was. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/90 "2010-08-25T17:39:54Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > [(unless you’re sufficiently interested to be in the market yourself) This, to me, would be just about the only reason I’d consider asking the question in American culture–which is why my preferred response would be either a discussion of the acquisition of such pieces or, more straightforwardly, responding as though the questioner had actually asked “That style would mesh splendidly in my own parlor–from what artist and/or gallery did you get that?” ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/91 "2010-08-25T17:43:04Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > This is going to be a no-win because the object in question is a woven sculpture, and when most people think of woven sculpture, they imagine a basket from Pier 1. If the OP answers the question honestly, whether the other person asked it with the best of intentions, with pure ignorance or outright rudeness, the other person is going to think "jeez, I could get something like that for $12.95. Personally, I feel like making that kind of assumption about the likely response is in and of itself somewhat, if not rude, at least dismissive of the other party as a philistine. ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/92 "2010-08-25T17:46:27Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > You’ll pardon me if I don’t take etiquette advice from someone who can’t restrain himself from dropping the f bomb in the company of someone who would prefer not to hear it? Oh yes, I know you fixed her computer and therefore she should have to absorb your poor manners, but you’ve hardly shown yourself to be Mr Etiquette in this situation regardless of how funny you think your retort was. It wasn’t just meant to be funny, it was also meant to prove a point. And while I certainly have the ability to restrain my speech among those who prefer to have the delicate ears pristine, I cannot assume what language might offend those who subscribe to such prurient lifestyles. I’ve got one co-worker around whom I cannot even say “gosh” and I’m able to restrain myself, tyvm. But ya know what? She didn’t have me repeat words that she found offensive, she was upfront in what she preferred to hear instead of playing childish games. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Yarster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/7c8e57/32.png) [@Yarster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yarster)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/93 "2010-08-25T17:55:25Z")
Sorry, you’ll have to add me to the unwashed masses. If I walked into a one room apartment particularly at a party that is crowded, you couldn’t help to notice immediately how it was decorated, because you are presumably confined to that room and perhaps a small kitchen. Then you have a prominently displayed piece of art, and if I admired it, I would probably be curious what it cost. Indeed, when you see woven things like this, it is not immediately obvious where it comes from, how long it takes to make, or what materials it is made of. It could cost $25 or $25,000. You may just have a thing for displaying $25 generic pieces of art. Assuming I like it, my first thought is: if I want one for myself, is it in my price range? The fact you live in a one bedroom apartment instead of a mansion tells me I probably can, but for all I know, this was a gift, or is something you paid a fortune for because you are secretly a specialized art collector. Either way, if I was at all friendly with you, I would ask. Perhaps I can put it another way. I host a large Halloween party every year and we have about 100 people at our house. I have an unusual collection of failed American firearms in shadowboxes in my office; some dating back to before the Civil War. Since many do not look like conventional guns or have obvious weird features, people always ask me why they failed, which is followed by “what are they worth?” or “what do you pay for them?”. I have never considered that a rude question. ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/94 "2010-08-25T18:13:11Z")
On the question itself: I wouldn’t necessarily call it rude, but definitely socially clueless. I would feel as uncomfortable being asked for the price of something that is a significant part of my total assets, and also for the price of something that is not that but an outlier in terms of indulging myself (for example my current commuting bicycle cost about 1½ times my net monthly income; I indulged myself for once but I’d be uncomfortable being asked for the price). The artwork mentioned by the OP might, for all the person asking knows, meet these criteria. That said, there are obvious ways of answering the question without answering it - many good unsnarky suggestions upthread. I wouldn’t tell the other person in so many words that the question was inappropriate. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/95 "2010-08-25T19:03:04Z")
> [@gladtobeblazed](#): > > Just keep a random price tag on it, that’ll satisfy their curiosity and keep the real cost secret. That was my initial thought - maybe $999,999.99. > [@TruCelt](#): > > \ > So, my rule of thumb is: “When someone asks you a question you don’t wish to answer, answer the question you wish they had asked.” In this instance, you might respond with information about the artist, the craft, maybe write down the webpage in case they’d like to see more of his work. Use it as an opportunity to educate.\ I think that’s excellent advice. I don’t think most people are trying to be rude, but are not sure where to go when confronted with unfamiliar art, and US Americans are a blunt people. > [@madmonk28](#): > > People who don’t have enough imagination to decide if they like a piece of art have to be told how much it costs before they know if it is any good. I don’t have that problem; I have no problem thinking that a lot of art is pure shite without knowing the pricetag. 🙂 ETA: Forgot to say, those Japanese bamboo sculptures are amazing! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/96 "2010-08-25T19:30:37Z")
“Hmmm … I really can’t recall.” Then you change the subject. Saying “I’d rather not say” creates a confrontation. Instead you want to convey that the information won’t be forthcoming, while putting the blame on yourself. Sure it’s a lie. You know how much you paid for the thing, and the person asking also knows you know how much you paid for the thing. But polite interaction is full of little untruths like this. You’re deflecting an uncomfortable question as gently as possible. And, generally, across large swathes of America, asking how much something costs is rude. It invites unpleasant comparisons between different levels of financial resources, particularly if the individuals are not close friends. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/97 "2010-08-25T19:55:56Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > > [@Voyager](#): > > > > “Why do you want to know? If you are interested in buying it, I regret to inform you that it is not for sale.” > > > > With the implication that only a boor would have any other reason to ask. > > Other than the perfectly reasonable “I’d like to buy something similar and want to know what sort of price range to expect”? “I love that, where did you find it?” would be perfectly appropriate in this case. As we can see from the link, each piece is unique, and so the price of this particular one may or may not be relevant. In any case, a question of “would you mind telling me the price” after a discussion of the piece would seem a lot more acceptable - especially if prior interest in buying a similar one was shown. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/98 "2010-08-25T20:17:54Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I was in an art gallery a few years ago and saw a painting that I thought was good, but nothing special. Then I saw the price tag. $300,000 for a watercolor? Woah! I ended up spending about 20 minutes looking at it, and the more I looked, the more I saw. > > We all look for little clues to help us know what to think about something. > … > Advertizing is a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s that big because it works. They tell us what to think about a product, we think that, and we buy it. Yes. Advertising works, in part, because it gives the impression (true or not) that a product is _already_ popular. Other people like it; it’s worth you trying it too. It means to synthesize the feeling we get naturally from, say, a friend’s recommendation. An aspirational price tag (that painting might have never sold for $300K) is a similar thing, a claim that other people accept such valuation. This price tag in fact made you look again, and longer. And, I would say, with more openness to finding great value. And then you, indeed, found more there. This is certainly worth examining. Would you have been unable to find the “more” without seeing a price? Suppose a good friend of yours had told you it was their very favorite painting, or a critic you respected made it an example in an essay. Wouldn’t that have been worth your time? Those might be better signals than the price tag, in terms of correlating your time with the subjective value to be found. And now suppose that, having spent your time and thought considering the work–and come to appreciate it–you then saw a price tag that seemed quite _low_ for the gallery. Would that make you suddenly appreciate it less? My point is that the subjective change comes from a difference in receptivity in the approach. Knowing the price can make you more receptive (or less, depending), but it doesn’t change the value you would find if you approached things equally. I still suspect (absent research to the contrary) that the nature and degree of this effect varies significantly across cultures. “Looking for clues” is natural–life is short, we don’t _have_ equal time for all things–but the signals themselves and how we respond are learned, cultural behaviors. If I display something in my home, I want my guests to approach it receptively on the basis of _my choosing to display it_. That should be the clue! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/99 "2010-08-25T20:52:40Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Yes. Advertising works, in part, because it gives the impression (true or not) that a product is _already_ popular. Other people like it; it’s worth you trying it too. It means to synthesize the feeling we get naturally from, say, a friend’s recommendation. An aspirational price tag (that painting might have never sold for $300K) is a similar thing, a claim that other people accept such valuation. Yeah, and it’s very powerful. Disney, those rat bastards, are masters of this. I remember several times seing commercials about fast food places offering toys of cartoon characters from a hit movie. And the way they put it was that if you don’t already have this cool toy, you’re not cool. Evan as an adult I felt a little guilty about not knowing who the character was – and this would be for a movie not even released yet! I found it rather sleazy, but quite effective. (And no, I never did get that Pocahontas wind-up doll.) > [@](#): > > Would you have been unable to find the “more” without seeing a price? I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t have spent the time looking. The subject matter is not really what I look for in art. If a friend, critic, or gallery employee got all pumped about it, I would have spent more time with it. But I have to say, the price tag is what really did it. I’ve seen watercolors sell for $500, $1,000, $5,000, even, on very rare occasions, $10,000. And those are by respected masters in upscale places. Yes, I was wowed by the huge number. I freely admit it. To slap a price tag that big on something takes massive balls. How could I not look further? > [@](#): > > And now suppose that, having spent your time and thought considering the work–and come to appreciate it–you then saw a price tag that seemed quite _low_ for the gallery. Would that make you suddenly appreciate it less? Good question. I don’t know. I did buy something by a painter that I really respect, someone usually priced much lower, but still way out of my budget. I got what I did because it was a smaller work, and taken off of display to make room for his newer works. (He’d transitioned to oils.) The gallery owner was happy to give me a 20% discount on it. I’ve very happy with it, and I thought it’s something I would never own. Oh, and if someone asks me how much I’d paid for it, I’ll gladly tell them the story. 🙂 > [@](#): > > My point is that the subjective change comes from a difference in receptivity in the approach. Knowing the price can make you more receptive (or less, depending), but it doesn’t change the value you would find if you approached things equally. Yes, very much so. Is it a cultural thing or a universal thing? I don’t know. You suspect one, I suspect the other. Maybe it’s a combination of both. The question is intriguing! > [@](#): > > If I display something in my home, I want my guests to approach it receptively on the basis of _my choosing to display it_. That should be the clue! Me too. Interesting thing, the painting I described in this post is hanging very near one of my own. People are always more drawn to mine, knowing nothing about either one. I’ll take the ego boost it gives me, and ignore the possibility that it’s just because I used brighter colors. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/100 "2010-08-25T22:05:21Z")
> [@Mops](#): > > I would feel as uncomfortable being asked for the price of something that is a significant part of my total assets, Oddly, I’d be more comfortable. It seems a lot more acceptable to discuss the price of, say, ones home or car especially with someone in the market for the same thing in the same area. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376.md?page=6)