# How to respond to an inappropriate question? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2010, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376 "2010-08-25T06:11:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/161 "2010-08-26T19:05:32Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > It reveals what your favorite color is. How much an iPhone is going for at Best Buy reveals nothing. > > I’ve already pointed out that I don’t consider that to be personal. > > So, what’s your salary again? Salary is personal. The price of something is not. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/162 "2010-08-26T19:09:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Contrapuntal](#): > > > > I’ve already pointed out that I don’t consider that to be personal. > > > > So, what’s your salary again? > > Salary is personal. The price of something is not. It’s not the price of something but _what you paid for it_. yeesh. If you ask me how much the bamboo basket is, and I tell you I paid $40,000 for it, did I just tell you something about my income? Obviously yes. Am I wrong for wishing to avoid telling you that? ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/163 "2010-08-26T19:11:22Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > It reveals what your favorite color is. How much an iPhone is going for at Best Buy reveals nothing. > > I’ve already pointed out that I don’t consider that to be personal. > > So, what’s your salary again? Good question. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/164 "2010-08-26T19:11:39Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Contrapuntal](#): > > > > I’ve already pointed out that I don’t consider that to be personal. > > > > So, what’s your salary again? > > Salary is personal. Really? And therefore none of my business? Not if you work for the government. Where is it set down what separates the personal from the not personal? How much did you spend on booze last year? > [@](#): > > The price of something is not. The price of some items are not. How I spend my money is. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/165 "2010-08-26T19:11:46Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > Salary is personal. The price of something is not. > > It’s not the price of something but _what you paid for it_. That’s exactly the same thing. > [@](#): > > yeesh. If you ask me how much the bamboo basket is, and I tell you I paid $40,000 for it, did I just tell you something about my income? No. Not necessarily. > [@](#): > > Am I wrong wishing to avoid telling you that? It’s not a question of being “wrong,” I’m just curious as to why it meake people uncomfortable to asked how much something costs at the store. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/166 "2010-08-26T19:15:04Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Hello\_Again](#): > > > > If you ask me how much the bamboo basket is, and I tell you I paid $40,000 for it, did I just tell you something about my income? > > No. Not necessarily. Don’t be fatuous, Jeffrey. You now know either a)I am the sort of person who spends a year’s income on a basket for display b)I make a LOT more than $40,000 in a year c)I am independently wealthy. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/167 "2010-08-26T19:15:10Z")
It makes people uncomfortable in exactly the same way you are uncomfortable telling us your annual salary. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/168 "2010-08-26T19:23:15Z")
I say its crass to _ask_ even with people you do know well, actually, unless it’s a context where friends are talking about money for other reasons. Whether you know the person or not, whether you are _genuinely curious_ or not, isn’t the point, for me. It’s that you are saying that the logistics (good word, **TC** ) of the acquisition are what makes the thing significant, or not, rather than the artistry and aesthetic effect. I know someone who has a very artfully decorated house upon which she has spent a considerable amount of time, effort, and creativity, but very little money. Some items came from flea markets and yard sales for less than $20, but have been laboriously cleaned, recontexted in various ways, and carefully placed and lit.\* Because I know her and we were already talking about design processes, she chose to tell me the provenance and process of some of the pieces, confident that I already appreciated the aesthetic merit. But I’m pretty sure she would have been embarrassed and insulted had someone simply come in and looked at something and asked how much she paid for it. Because the price she paid, in this case quite literally, has nothing to do with the value, and the implication that it did would be missing the whole point. The _value_ is not shown on the price tag. The value is what’s there in front of you. Talk about that! - I started to give examples here of how she’d done this, but since it wasn’t my work, I think I’ll refrain. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/169 "2010-08-26T19:24:04Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > It makes people uncomfortable in exactly the same way you are uncomfortable telling us your annual salary. Some of us don’t feel that way. If we respect that some people do, and you respect that some people don’t, then hey, we’ve reached an understanding. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/170 "2010-08-26T19:28:27Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > If we respect that some people do, and you respect that some people don’t, then hey, we’ve reached an understanding. And to come full circle, _when you are not sure whether a question will offend someone or not, the polite action is to not ask it_. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/171 "2010-08-26T20:05:14Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > _when you are not sure whether a question will offend someone or not, the polite action is to not ask it_. True enough. But for some of us, it’s so far off the radar that the question of whether it’s appropriate doesn’t even come up. Personally, I probably wouldn’t ask it because my gut would be telling me not to. The reasons enumerated in this thread wouldn’t occur to me, though. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/172 "2010-08-26T20:19:53Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > How much money do you make a year? Since I’m essentially taking the same position as \*\*Dio \*\*and **tdn** here (i.e., that asking about the cost of an item of artwork that’s on display isn’t necessarily rude), $72k. _shrugs_ I’m a senior system administrator in a small company. It’s just money. If I or anyone I’m likely to associate with asks about the price of something, I’m going to assume it’s because they’re interested enough in it to want one of their own. I don’t really see where “class” has anything to do with it–and if the person asking is going to be offended by the answer because of some bizarre classism issue, they shouldn’t be asking it. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/173 "2010-08-26T20:24:50Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > $72k. You think you’re better than me? ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/174 "2010-08-26T20:26:48Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > > [@Zeriel](#): > > > > $72k. > > You think you’re better than me? That depends. How much do you make? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/175 "2010-08-26T20:29:29Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Incidentally, if you have something out on display, you’re already bragging about it. No, and I think this is the crux of the matter. She’s not bragging, she’s making something beautiful available to be enjoyed. Furthermore, it is necessary, in order for her to share it, for her to let you into her home. It’s a very prsonal thing she’s sharing. I can see how if you interpret that as bragging, then it would seem inconsequential to go the extra step and name a price for it. But the whole point is that art and beauty are not valuable for their financial value. It is the commodification of something that FDH considers to be far deeper. It’s like if you and I were acquaintances, and I mentioned that I love Casablanca, and you said you’d never seen it. I might make the gesture of finding a venue and hosting you there so that you might enjoy it as well. I’d probably be very interested to hear how/whether it moved you, and what parts touched you most. I would be highly offended if your first response was “Huh. What’d you pay for those tickets?” What FDH has offered is far deeper as it also involves sharing her personal space. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/176 "2010-08-26T20:32:41Z")
> [@gladtobeblazed](#): > > Just keep a random price tag on it, that’ll satisfy their curiosity and keep the real cost secret. Ah, the Minnie Pearl approach. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/177 "2010-08-26T20:33:26Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > You think you’re better than me? > > That depends. How much do you make? 😃 It’s hard to tell, as they pay me in wicker baskets. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/178 "2010-08-26T20:33:33Z")
I guess I’m confused why it makes a difference _why_ the OP feels the question is rude. You (the general you) are under no obligation to answer anyone’s question about anything and you owe no one any explanation. You don’t get why she finds it rude? Who cares? You’re not the one being asked. I think the OP got a lot of good suggestions that can be used in a variety of situations, not just about artwork. Nobody is suggesting that someone is EVIL for asking a question that makes someone else uncomfortable. People are simply exchanging things to say in any situation where someone asks you something you’re disinclined to answer. > [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Does one have to qualify everything to death around here? Now now, you’ve been around here long enough to know the answer to _that_ question. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/179 "2010-08-26T20:57:58Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > The only boorish behavior I see on exhibit here is your apparent eagerness to insult a guest in your home. (Simply stating “I prefer not to say” doesn’t appear to do enough to convey that this _possession_ of yours is more important in your eyes than the person you’ve invited in.) Seriously, where I’m from even the lowest uneducated trash have better sense than that. **Moderator note:** Given that we’re apparently dealing with some cultural variations here, and that agreement is far from unanimous, and even more importantly that we’re not in the Pit, please refrain from inferring that the OP is a boor or uneducated trash. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2010, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376/180 "2010-08-26T23:08:05Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > > [@Zeriel](#): > > > > $72k. > > You think you’re better than me? Yes, but not because of our relative salaries. :D:cool: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-respond-to-an-inappropriate-question/551376.md?page=10)