# How to say "No presents" for a first wedding? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 5, 2011, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318 "2011-02-05T22:39:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/41 "2011-02-07T05:59:20Z")
I’m getting married this year, and both my bride and I are over 50, and have fully stocked households that we will have to merge. Like the OP, I really didn’t want a lot of gifts, and was inclined to put “No presents” on the invitations. But I checked, and Miss Manners says this isn’t allowed. But we have come up with a plan that I think will minimize the number of gifts. I’ll be at liberty to disclose it, and how it worked, in a few months. The other day I came up with an idea that we probably can’t use, but that would be really great: a reverse directory. All wedding guests have to go to my Web site and agree to take one of the items I’ll have to get rid of when I move in with my sweetie! Take my sofa. Please! ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/42 "2011-02-07T15:44:22Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > Honestly? I love it when that happens. I get to write a check for something that is a cause that my friend suports. I get the tax write off and friend knows that he/she made a difference. I don’t have to spend hours shopping for something that will be returned. > > Anyhow, that’s just me. This is a fromal wedding planned by kind and loving people who are part of a very different culture. I’ve been wondering about the favors for a while. FMIL thinks that homemade would be best and agrees with bookmarks. > > I’ve already bought fully into the idea of asking for family photos. I didn’t cave, I fell in love with the idea. I called FMIL and she thinks its a wonderful idea as well. I can already see how I"m going to change the picture wall. TruCat’s post showed me what I really want. Yeah, I plan to use the idea too, if I ever take the leap. Glad it was helpful! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/43 "2011-02-07T15:52:43Z")
> [@emmaliminal](#): > > We put links to four non-profit orgs in our invitation with a brief, carefully worded explanation that we didn’t need any stuff. I love this. It lets people make a gift, while at the same time hopefully avoiding much of the clutter. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/44 "2011-02-07T20:41:23Z")
What one could do is have a website for the wedding festivities that one includes on the ‘save the date’ postcard. Amidst the information about dates, venues, and naked baby pictures of the bride and groom, list some bio info for those who don’t know the New Other Half; in that bio, mention the charities. This way the guest may get their own ideas. Sort of like a pre-wedding program? ---
**Author:** ![Sateryn76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Sateryn76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sateryn76)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/45 "2011-02-07T21:36:09Z")
I don’t know that that many people bring blenders and such to the ceremony/reception. I’ve only ever seen cards and some small knick-knack stuff. If you don’t have a wedding _shower_, then you should be able to avoid all of the fondue sets. ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/46 "2011-02-08T00:19:28Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > The other day I came up with an idea that we probably can’t use, but that would be really great: a reverse directory. All wedding guests have to go to my Web site and agree to take one of the items I’ll have to get rid of when I move in with my sweetie! Take my sofa. Please! Yeah!! You could have a [potlatch.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Potlatch)If you run low on stuff to give away, let me know. I’ll send along a van-load or 2. > [@Sateryn76](#): > > I don’t know that that many people bring blenders and such to the ceremony/reception. I’ve only ever seen cards and some small knick-knack stuff. > > If you don’t have a wedding _shower_, then you should be able to avoid all of the fondue sets. Nope. Much of that stuff is mailed to the bride and groom, either before or after the wedding. You don’t see it on the table at the ceremony, but it’s being delivered. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/47 "2011-02-08T03:31:47Z")
> [@Sateryn76](#): > > I don’t know that that many people bring blenders and such to the ceremony/reception. I’ve only ever seen cards and some small knick-knack stuff. > > If you don’t have a wedding _shower_, then you should be able to avoid all of the fondue sets. I am terrible evil. I give blenders. Its my idea of a gag gift, but my friends are so bent that they get it. If I can come to the ceremony/reception, I bring it, if not, I have it shipped to their home. I also buy something off the registry that they want…but lets face it…how would you know that you got married if you didn’t have at least 3 blenders? ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/48 "2011-02-08T03:41:58Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > But we have come up with a plan that I think will minimize the number of gifts. I’ll be at liberty to disclose it, and how it worked, in a few months. I will wait with bated breath. 😃 I am suddenly feeling churlish and rude. Congratulations to everyone who is getting married soon. I hope your day’s are special and perfect. > [@](#): > > The other day I came up with an idea that we probably can’t use, but that would be really great: a reverse directory. All wedding guests have to go to my Web site and agree to take one of the items I’ll have to get rid of when I move in with my sweetie! Take my sofa. Please! I can see this catching on. My Sweet Baboo doesn’t have a lot of stuff due to his career choice, but I have seen other people try to combine households. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/49 "2011-02-08T16:23:08Z")
I have not read every post, forgive me. But I had some friends with a similar issue, they needed nothing, and just wanted people to attend. Still, the urge to give a gift is very strong to try and over ride, be prepared. Here’s what my friends did, and it seemed to work pretty well. They included a note with the invites, explaining they really did have all they needed, and wished only for a gift free wedding, as unusual as it seems. Them give them choices. If they must, please donate to our favorite charity…blah, blah. You might think that covers it - it doesn’t. People are going to call you, your Mom, his Mom. Be ready, and present a united front. Just script it for them so they are repeating what the invite note effectively said. Then include that you have already preselected a needy/worthy family to whom all gifts will be donated. BINGO! That you’re going to regift all seems to be the final straw, as it were. It conveys that you are in earnest. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/50 "2014-09-14T21:28:16Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I think we’re all missing the symbolism here. The point is that by receiving these things you are symbolically including them into your household. That item that is in your home reminds you of them, and makes them feel a part of your day-to-day life. It’s wrong to think that you can get married and not make any changes to the stuff in your home, even if you have been living together for ten years. Donate the old one unless it is substantially better than the new. > > Now, there must certainly be things in your home which need updating. How about new towels and linens? Photo frames? One bride I know asked for wall-hanging photos of each family, probably the most thoughtful and generous “request” I’ve ever heard. She then hung them throughout the hallways in their home. A really lovely idea, made everyone feel included, and gave each group an excuse to get a nice portrait done that year. > > Or pretend that Thanksgiving is coming up and it’s your turn to host this large clan. What do you need? Servers? an extra counter-top oven? Large coffee urn? A couple of stow-away cots? (Or better, the kind that fold up into ottomans?) Warming trays? > > If you begin with the thought of including them or hosting them, and ask for the implements of hospitality, you can’t go wrong. I have another friend who is in very similar situation to yours. She asked my advice and I opened my mouth to repeat the above. It occurred to me to come back and ask: What did you finally do? How was the idea received? Anything you wish you’d done or would do differently? Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/51 "2014-09-14T22:35:04Z")
My friend’s daughter just got married to a military man. They’ll be stationed a few thousand miles away in Alaska. They discreetly spread the word as to their plans, which would make hauling gifts very inconvenient, and I didn’t see one wrapped gift at their wedding. I think we were all smart enough to send money. P.S. There’s no way in hell I’m attending someone’s wedding without bringing a gift. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2014, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/52 "2014-09-15T02:12:18Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I have another friend who is in very similar situation to yours. She asked my advice and I opened my mouth to repeat the above. It occurred to me to come back and ask: What did you finally do? How was the idea received? Anything you wish you’d done or would do differently? Not to be speaking for our dear **flatlined** , but I THINK that the marriage to Sweet Baboo, USMC, did not go forward as planned, and instead a couple of years later she found herself happily hitched to Beloved Butthead, e-e-e-e-vul lackey of Big Oil. My immediate feeling is that she does not regret how things turned out for her. I do hope that Sweet Baboo, USMC, returned safely to WVA, and found a suitable partner with whom to spend his golden years. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2014, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/53 "2014-09-15T02:32:43Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Not to be speaking for our dear **flatlined** , but I THINK that the marriage to Sweet Baboo, USMC, did not go forward as planned, and instead a couple of years later she found herself happily hitched to Beloved Butthead, e-e-e-e-vul lackey of Big Oil. > > My immediate feeling is that she does not regret how things turned out for her. > > I do hope that Sweet Baboo, USMC, returned safely to WVA, and found a suitable partner with whom to spend his golden years. Ooh! So sorry if I brought up a sore point, Flatlined. Sounds like it’s worked out for the best though? My apologies. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2014, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/54 "2014-09-15T05:38:32Z")
Nowadays I just give [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) gift cards. ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2014, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/55 "2014-09-15T22:04:52Z")
I just had two friends get married for the first time but they had all the stuff they needed already. Instead they signed up for a website that lets people “buy” your honeymoon. It breaks airfare and hotel and other items into different price points so people can buy like 1/4 of an airplane ticket, or 1/2 a night at the hotel. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2014, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/56 "2014-09-15T22:50:25Z")
I guess it’s all for the best. Those bookmarks would be totally obsolete by now anyway. ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/57 "2014-09-16T11:13:03Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > But we have come up with a plan that I think will minimize the number of gifts. I’ll be at liberty to disclose it, and how it worked, in a few months. > [@flatlined](#): > > I will wait with bated breath. 😃 I apologize for the delay. When I posted the message above, I intended to reveal the “secret” plan in three months, not 43. (Of course, this obviously won’t be useful to **flatlined** , but someone might enjoy it. We had a surprise wedding. We invited about 30-35 of our closest friends and family to an “engagement party” at a nice restaurant, and said we’d tell them there when the wedding would be. When they arrived, we handed out invitations that said, “The wedding is NOW!” We did tell a few key people in advance, but most everyone else was really surprised. It was fun, unique, and we got almost no gifts, just as we wanted. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2014, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/58 "2014-09-18T14:22:15Z")
Well, NOW you’ve done it. **Flatlined** is over there on the floor, all blue. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2014, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/59 "2014-09-19T12:21:06Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Well, NOW you’ve done it. **Flatlined** is over there on the floor, all blue. With the username and all, that conjures up an even more alarming visual than you may have meant. :eek: 😛 ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2014, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318/60 "2014-09-19T12:38:37Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > My friend’s daughter just got married to a military man. They’ll be stationed a few thousand miles away in Alaska. They discreetly spread the word as to their plans, which would make hauling gifts very inconvenient, and I didn’t see one wrapped gift at their wedding. I think we were all smart enough to send money. > > P.S. There’s no way in hell I’m attending someone’s wedding without bringing a gift. I know this is a zombie, but I wanted to reply to one of the new responses. Bringing gifts to the wedding itself is burdensome to the couple. We hadn’t anticipated this, and we had a lot of things to bring home in our car already, including the leftover food and booze, and all the things we’d had to bring with us for the wedding, like the chuppah canopy. We ended because of the gifts people brought to the wedding, we ended up having to use my mother’s car, as well as having someone who had a van volunteer to bring the last of everything. That was even after sending some food and booze home with guests. And this was a supposed “No gifts” wedding. We tried to make it “no gifts” by asking a few trusted friends and our rabbi to informally spread the word, and by not registering anywhere. Most people who sent us gifts anyway sent them to the house ahead of the wedding, but still, a lot of people brought them. We had about 300 guests, and even though we succeeded in discouraging gifts in about 2/3 of the guests, and about half of the gifts we did get were cash, that left still about 50 people, maybe 30 of whom brought things, half of which were bigger than a bread basket, to the ceremony. I hate to sound like I’m complaining about people’s generosity, and FTR, I got every thank you note written and mailed within 10 days of the wedding, but it was burdensome to have to bring gifts home from the service, which was not at our home. When I send a wedding gift, I always send it to the couple’s home, or if they are not yet living together, the bride’s home, in the weeks before the ceremony. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-say-no-presents-for-a-first-wedding/570318.md?page=2)