# How to talk to my son about porn... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 13, 2009, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291 "2009-05-13T14:47:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/21 "2009-05-14T00:26:19Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > What exactly do people think is sooo unrealistic about porn anyway? Based on 17 years of married life, I think I can provide at least a partial answer to your question with two words: Facials Swallowing ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/22 "2009-05-14T00:27:32Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > Based on 17 years of married life, I think I can provide at least a partial answer to your question with two words: > > Facials > Swallowing I guess I’m lucky to have the girlfriend I do, but in my world there is nothing unrealistic about that. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/23 "2009-05-14T00:32:03Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > I guess I’m lucky to have the girlfriend I do, but in my world there is nothing unrealistic about that. 🙂 I’m glad to say I’m in the same boat … _now_. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/24 "2009-05-14T01:02:28Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > What exactly do people think is sooo unrealistic about porn anyway? People say that all the time on this board but I don’t really get it. Bigger than average assets and actors a bit more attractive than average? OK, but they are still very real people, and I’ve seen plenty of porn featuring actors I would _not_ be interested in having sex with, because they weren’t attractive enough. Not every single porn actor has a boob job or a giant cock, either. Ever try to pick up a girl by putting your junk in a pizza box? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/25 "2009-05-14T02:40:57Z")
You might explain that if he gets to BAD porn, ie kiddie stuff, while he’s looking for porn, that could cause problems for mommy and daddy, whoever owns the computer. Legal problems, that is. That might remove it from the “sex is shameful” realm. I agree with the posters who hold that telling the boy the desire to look at stuff like that is normal, but it’s not real world stuff. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/26 "2009-05-14T02:53:44Z")
I would have SO gotten my parents into a difficult situation. When I was 9 years old I had zero interest in ogling mature females. I wanted to ogle 9 year old girls. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/27 "2009-05-14T03:12:22Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > What exactly do people think is sooo unrealistic about porn anyway? People say that all the time on this board but I don’t really get it. Bigger than average assets and actors a bit more attractive than average? OK, but they are still very real people, and I’ve seen plenty of porn featuring actors I would _not_ be interested in having sex with, because they weren’t attractive enough. Not every single porn actor has a boob job or a giant cock, either. > > Otherwise most of the mainstream stuff it is your fairly standard sex acts, nothing I haven’t done or wouldn’t be able to do if I wanted to. > > There’s a good deal of unusual fetish-oriented stuff that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but there are still plenty of real people doing that too. Yes I’m aware there’s stuff out there that really takes things to the extreme, but that’s not the _majority_ of porn on the internet. The bulk of it is fairly vanilla. Apparently you’ve never heard of “two girls one cup.” Or better yet, “Pornosaurus.” ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/28 "2009-05-14T03:12:39Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I would have SO gotten my parents into a difficult situation. When I was 9 years old I had zero interest in ogling mature females. I wanted to ogle 9 year old girls. What?! Don’t you know that that’s sick and evil? “But I’m nine–” NO EXCUSES. “I was bored. I was horny. She wanted it. I’m nine.” Pedophilia is a serious crime, young man, do you know how much trouble you’re in? ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/29 "2009-05-14T03:55:44Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Apparently you’ve never heard of “two girls one cup.” Or better yet, “Pornosaurus.” Oh I have. That falls under the category of “stuff that takes things to the extreme” which I mentioned in my post. But my point was that sort of thing is a minority of the total porn available on the 'net. ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/30 "2009-05-14T04:55:43Z")
> [@](#): > > I don’t know what the situation is with the OP’s kid, but there’s certainly a strong possibility that his behavior has nothing to do with sex or porn in and of itself. He may just have felt pressured to be “brave” like the other kids and visit a site he knew he wasn’t supposed to. I’m with this. I mean nine is when you’re all giggly about sex. If he was a teen, it would be different. But most little kids don’t really understand about sex yet. They know about it…but for them it’s something to giggle about and be " ewwww why’d anyone do that?" ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/31 "2009-05-14T06:34:25Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > Nope, they know there are people out there who want to view porn sites but whose employers or schools use filtering software to block those sites. Some of them are even sneakier than that- they’ll put non-porn-related key words on their web sites, so that people who aren’t looking for porn might click on their site. I’ve looked at my share of porn on the internet, and i also use the web for my research and study and a whole bunch of other stuff. I literally cannot remember the last time a regular internet search took me to a porn site. I’m not saying it never happens, but i reckon i use the internet more than the average person, and it never happens to me in my day-to-day work and general browsing. Ironically enough, about the only time when unwanted porn sites get in the way is on the occasions when i’ve tried to search for articles about the porn industry (work conditions, rates of pay, disease, exploitation, etc.). I worked out that you have to be a bit scientific about it: plugging “porn” into Google gets you nothing but tits and ass, but typing “pornography” gets you more mundane studies and definitions. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/32 "2009-05-14T12:55:09Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > What exactly do people think is sooo unrealistic about porn anyway? People say that all the time on this board but I don’t really get it. Let’s think about this [ul] [li]In porn, having sex with people you just met is normal. In real life, this is almost always accompanied by drama.[/li][li]In porn, having sex in public is spicy. In real life, this is almost always accompanied by drama, sometimes by getting arrested.[/li][li]In porn, having sex with people who have authority relationships (teacher, police officer, nurse, secretary) is a fun fantasy. In real life, someone is probably getting sued or fired.[/li][li]In porn, getting tested for STDs is a routine cost of doing business. In real life, it involves going to the doctor’s, giving blood, getting a physical examination, and a months-long waiting period between partners.[/li][li]In real life, if you didn’t get tested for STDs, you’ll be pausing the action to put on a condom.[/li][li]In porn, birth control is not considered. In real life, from a man’s perspective, he needs to either rely on his partner to maintain a steady level of artificial hormones in her body, or have surgery on his genitals to have reliable protection against child support. [/li][li]In porn, a “facial” is a cinematic device used to communicate the male orgasm. In real life, a lot of women don’t find this appealing.[/li][li]In porn, it is OK that the man’s orgasm is real, but the woman’s orgasm is fake. In real life, not so much.[/li][/ul] I also think you dismiss the unrealistic appearance thing a bit hastily. In real life, if a gorgeous young woman is sleeping with a plain-looking man twice her age, it’s usually because he’s rich as hell. Not every young man will grow up to be Donald Trump. Finally, I think the main lack of realism isn’t necessarily what is depicted in porn, but its instantly available nature. In real life, good sex comes from building a relationship with someone. It’s not a “click now for sexual satisfaction” type of thing. Sex in porn is about as realistic as life in cartoons. In cartoons, falling off a cliff, getting blown up by dynamite, or getting sawed in half is all in a day’s work. That’s what I’d tell a 9 year old. ---
**Author:** ![C3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/c3/32/3108_2.png) [@C3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C3)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/33 "2009-05-14T13:47:45Z")
All of what **Harriet the Spry** said, plus - most porn revolves around a woman fulfilling a man’s fantasies. That’s fine, but I think it’s important for boys _and_ girls to understand that women have fantasies and desires, too, and that it’s just as important for their wants and needs to be respected. I have two boys and this is an issue my husband have discussed quite a bit (and my boys are little - 3 & 5). We’re very liberal and want our boys to understand that sex is an important, healthy part of life. We also want them to be respectful of whomever they choose to have sex with and to understand that that person has feelings and that it isn’t all about getting yours. And, we would like them to choose partners who are respectful, of themselves and our boys. I think it’s important to make it clear that porn does not cover this part of sexuality. It’s fine (and can be fun) to look at it, but it needs to be understood that a huge part (one of the best parts, I think) of a relationship is not being depicted. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/34 "2009-05-14T13:57:00Z")
> [@Litoris](#): > > I agree that you should deal with the bullying issue, even though as a parent, I would be inclined to wonder if that were just something he said to take the shame off himself. “I didn’t do it, Little Johnny dared me to!” … “The other kids bullied me into looking at internet porn at home.” That may be the single least believable sentence ever spoken. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/35 "2009-05-14T14:03:09Z")
I would have the same talk my father had with me at that age: “WHAT IS THIS DOING UNDER YOUR BED AND WHO THE HELL GAVE IT TO YOU?! I’LL JUST HOLD ONTO IT SO YOUR MOTHER DOESN’T FIND OUT!” > [@Litoris](#): > > ETA – my way is mine and might not work for you or your family, depending on your religious/political/sexual/whateveral views. We take a very liberal stance on sex at our house. We don’t condone it prior to college graduation, but we don’t criminalize it, either. You consider that “liberal”? Interesting. > [@Rigamarole](#): > > What exactly do people think is sooo unrealistic about porn anyway? People say that all the time on this board but I don’t really get it. Well it’s unrealistic in the sense that when I’m working and the FedEx girl says she’s here to handle my package, she doesn’t expect me to drop my pants and go to town on her. (I know that now). Also, my girlfriend doesn’t really ever throw on a nighty and ride a horse around or get with her hot friend in the stable and pour non-dairy creamer on each other. Also for a lot of people on this board, it seems like any sex with any woman is pretty much unrealistic.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/36 "2009-05-14T14:08:04Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > I’ve looked at my share of porn on the internet, and i also use the web for my research and study and a whole bunch of other stuff. I literally cannot remember the last time a regular internet search took me to a porn site. I’m not saying it never happens, but i reckon i use the internet more than the average person, and it never happens to me in my day-to-day work and general browsing. Google is better for this than some older search engines, or maybe this is less of a problem than it used to be. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/37 "2009-05-14T14:24:16Z")
[quote=“Harriet\_the\_Spry, post:32, topic:496291”] [li]In porn, having sex in public is spicy. In real life, this is almost always accompanied by drama, sometimes by getting arrested.[/li][/QUOTE] Plus, in porn when you have sex in public/outside, you never get sand up your butt crack, water up your vagina, or or ants in god knows where. You also don’t have to worry about “Ohmigod, can I orgasm, with that person see me?” and there’s no “Hurry up and come so we can get out of here and get this stupid experiment in bringing back our sex drives over with!” And no one gets rained or even minds if they do. In fact they probably like it. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/38 "2009-05-14T15:35:02Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > “The other kids bullied me into looking at internet porn at home.” > > That may be the single least believable sentence ever spoken. At nine years old it’s pretty believable. I don’t think a nine year old is going to find much more use from the porn other that its shock value. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/39 "2009-05-14T16:53:57Z")
I would reinforce what has already been said, especially by **Harriet the Spry** - porn isn’t real. Women really don’t look like that (thank God) and don’t act like that, and neither do men. And mostly for that reason, sex is better in real life than that. “Let’s Pretend” is fine once in a while, but if you base your life on it, get used to failure. The other thing I would gently suggest is not to make too big a deal about it (_pace_ your ex-wife). It happens. I have been in the same situation, although with a somewhat older son, and I didn’t put filters on my PC or anything. Curiosity is normal, as is a dare from your friends. As long as he doesn’t get the impression he is learning anything real from porn, I don’t think it is all that harmful. YMMV, void where taxed or prohibited, professional driver on a closed course, past performance is no guarantee of future earnings, etc. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2009, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291/40 "2009-05-14T19:40:31Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Also, my girlfriend doesn’t really ever throw on a nighty and ride a horse around or get with her hot friend in the stable and pour non-dairy creamer on each other. Really? You need to look for another girlfriend, then. 😉 Anyway re: some of the above points, I didn’t mean to suggest the _acting_/“plot” situations in porn resembled reality… I don’t even consider that to be a factor. Most of the porn I look at doesn’t really have any acting at all, it just gets straight to the point. I merely meant to imply some of the sex acts aren’t all that bizarre. There are women who don’t find facials appealing, but if you are with one who is open-minded enough it’s a very attainable fantasy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-talk-to-my-son-about-porn/496291.md?page=3)