# How to tell boss/co-workers you have failed them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 31, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385 "2011-10-31T15:40:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/1 "2011-10-31T15:40:25Z")
I need advice on how to handle a situation I have gotten myself in to at work. The short story: I have work that is supposed to be done, and it isn’t. The long story: I used to be awesome at work…I took on projects if they were available, and put out a really great product. I have always been a bit of a procrastinator, but at the same time working at the last minute only motivated me. I know you’re not supposed to let your personal life effect your work (and vice-versa), but ever since this spring when my wife decided she wanted a divorce and moved out, I have had a very hard time getting myself to focus on work. I used to even be ok when it came to reactive stuff like just returning calls and e-mails, but lately I have been even getting behind on those. I thought that the problem might have been that I just didn’t have any real deadlines to meet with my work…I had plenty of time to get it done, so I kept putting it off. I even volunteered for more so that I would hopefully feel more urgency to get it done. Well, I have meetings for the next 3 days, and I am supposed to have contributed about 1/5th of the material (maybe a tad more) for those meetings. Mine is not complete, far from it in fact. I may, if I am able to kick-start, be able to put out something presentable if I work from now until 0900 tomorrow. That is maybe, IF I can get anything done at all. So the question. Without making excuses, how do I show up tomorrow and tell my boss and co-workers that it just ain’t done? One of the worst things is that a part is something that was re-assigned to me from one of those people. I know I should have asked for help on this a long time ago. Even if everybody didn’t understand why they were helping me out, at least it would be done. Arrgh. Want to be a good worker again. Maybe this was more of a venting than seeking advice… ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/2 "2011-10-31T15:47:48Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I may, if I am able to kick-start, be able to put out something presentable if I work from now until 0900 tomorrow. That is maybe, IF I can get anything done at all. This _first_, sugar! Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/3 "2011-10-31T16:02:12Z")
Heh. I went through this recently with a co-worker of mine (“Frank,” I have a thread about him someplace) who was busy flaming out. Here is what I wish he had done: 1. Ask for help _today_ if you can. Is there any co-worker who can help you out or at least make anything a little easier? Or are there sub-projects that they could perhaps get done quickly? 2. If you really don’t think you can get it done by tomorrow, let people know, as early as possible, and ideally before tomorrow, what parts won’t be done. _Especially_ if anyone else needs those parts to do his or her own job. No one wants to be blindsided by this kind of thing (and I speak from experience as one who was blindsided and hated that _much_ worse than the fact of Frank not getting his work done). If you fail your boss/co-workers, they may roll their eyes, but if you cause _them_ to fail, they’ll be angry. Again, as I know from experience. 3. At some point you need to sit down and talk to your boss and/or co-workers about steps to take so this doesn’t happen again; this will let them know that you really do care about it (and aren’t just looking to be laid off, like Frank turned out to be). One thing you might do is partnering with another co-worker who could check in on you every one or two days to check on progress. Your project managers may also want to know that they may need to be a bit more hands-on for a while. You can cite “temporary personal reasons” without elaborating, if you need to, without using it as an excuse, but more to let them know it is (probably) temporary. 4. Perhaps someone will come in who has more experience with this than I do, but maybe counseling? CBT? Of course, your mileage may vary for your own workplace/boss/co-workers, but in general people are much happier when they are informed than when they’re not, and when they know your intentions are good than when they don’t. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/4 "2011-10-31T16:09:11Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > 1. CBT? I don’t know if Cock & Ball Torture is the answer here… Actually, maybe it is. OP - What can you do to get the first meeting pushed back. Emergency doctor’s appointment for a child or relative that you must get to? Something, anything, to buy you an extra day or even some extra hours. This would be my first move. In most places I’ve worked, 90% of meeting participants are dreading them anyway and jump at any chance to delay them. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/5 "2011-10-31T16:23:32Z")
The advice above is primo. For this immediate need (tomorrow, 9am) I would combine them and ask for help to get the “bare minimum” you were talking about done. That being said… They know (somebody does surely, hopefully your boss) what you’ve been going through and people can be surprisingly willing to help. Ask for help, and then let them. It might take a year to get back up to speed, or maybe just a few months. (It takes as long as it takes.) AND you will have learned mo’ betta planning skills instead of waiting till the last minute. 😉 Get outside help, for your emotional needs, from a counselor. Talk therapy can work wonders & if there’s a need, accept a mild pharmacutical aid, too. Pat yourself on the back. You’re doing so much better than some folks when dealing with these situations. You haven’t given up, and we’re not giving up on you. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/6 "2011-10-31T16:47:55Z")
What kind of working relationship do you have with your coworkers? Maybe you can broach the subject casually: “Hey, guys, how are you doing with this project? Frankly, I’m having a little trouble with my part.” It’s OK to lean on your teammates sometimes, as long as they know they can do the same if necessary. (This means you do have to get your act back together when this is over!) As for your boss, if you go to him or her _before_ the meeting and say, “Hey boss, I’m running a little behind on this thing,” you’re more likely to get cut some slack than if you just show up at the deadline empty-handed. No need to give excuses or use over-dramatic language like “I’ve failed you.” Shit happens. I don’t like the idea of making up a lie to get out of the meeting; that’s just another way to procrastinate and won’t actually solve your problem. I’m sorry for your personal troubles and hope you can get out of your funk soon. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/7 "2011-10-31T17:02:13Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > OP - What can you do to get the first meeting pushed back. Emergency doctor’s appointment for a child or relative that you must get to? Something, anything, to buy you an extra day or even some extra hours. This would be my first move. In most places I’ve worked, 90% of meeting participants are dreading them anyway and jump at any chance to delay them. > [@Wheelz](#): > > I don’t like the idea of making up a lie to get out of the meeting; that’s just another way to procrastinate and won’t actually solve your problem. I’m sorry for your personal troubles and hope you can get out of your funk soon. Good luck! I agree with Wheelz, plus which if it’s several days of meetings as stated in the OP, I’m betting they are sufficiently scheduled that it’s not going to be actually possible to push it back. > [@](#): > > As for your boss, if you go to him or her _before_ the meeting and say, “Hey boss, I’m running a little behind on this thing,” you’re more likely to get cut some slack than if you just show up at the deadline empty-handed. No need to give excuses or use over-dramatic language like “I’ve failed you.” Shit happens. What I was trying to say, but **Wheelz** says it better. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/8 "2011-10-31T17:02:29Z")
\*\*Dung Beetle, \*\* working on that, but not optimistic that I’ll be any more productive than usual! **raspberry hunter,** I think I remember running across that thread. It sounds like Frank and I have a lot in common. That is all very good advice. I have an e-mail composed that explains, in general terms, my situation. My part not being done won’t cause anyone else to fail, exactly, but it is integral to the project review. I intended to talk to my boss about it this afternoon when I arrived (we do not all work in the same place), but she is not in the office today. One way or the other we’ll get the opportunity to ‘chat’ this week. Thanks for the tips. **Bob Ducca,** not really my style, though it did cross my mind. **Becky 2844,** I appreciate your comments as well. I’m sure that people understand better than I expect them to. Hopefully it won’t take me too long to get myself back up to speed and let everyone else know they can count on me again. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/9 "2011-10-31T17:10:35Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > No need to give excuses or use over-dramatic language like “I’ve failed you.” Shit happens. Yeah, that’s not actually something I would say to them. It’s just how I feel. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/10 "2011-10-31T17:10:44Z")
Last time I had a situation like this (paper that I just had no way to finish on time) I wrote an honest email to my professor asking for an extension. I never heard back from him. So I got it done. Turned the damn thing in on time. Got a good grade on it, too. He knew exactly what he was doing by not answering me. It’s normal to have that “I just can’t do this” panic, but most of the time, you actually can do it if you really need to. ---
**Author:** ![PeskiPiksi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e495f1/32.png) [@PeskiPiksi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PeskiPiksi)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/11 "2011-10-31T17:19:41Z")
I don’t really have any advice for how to handle this other than what’s already been said, but I just wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up too much. You’re human, which means sometimes you’re going to goof up. We’ve all been there in one way or another, including your coworkers and your boss. So don’t waste time feeling guilty and regretful. Just learn what you can from the situation, then forget it and move forward. Forward, forward, forward. [dory]Just keep swimmin’, just keep swimmin’, just keep swimmin’…[/dory] ---
**Author:** ![redtail23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3e96dc/32.png) [@redtail23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/redtail23)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/12 "2011-10-31T17:29:53Z")
I think you’ve gotten good suggestions so far. My only recommendation is to not pussyfoot around the subject. I’ve always found that a straightforward “OK, I’ve screwed up, here’s the situation, what can we do to fix this” is best. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/13 "2011-10-31T17:31:56Z")
> [@redtail23](#): > > I think you’ve gotten good suggestions so far. > > My only recommendation is to not pussyfoot around the subject. I’ve always found that a straightforward “OK, I’ve screwed up, here’s the situation, what can we do to fix this” is best. E-mail sent. That was a hard f\*iing e-mail to send. Not as hard as having to dread walking in tomorrow morning with little-to-nothing, though. No response yet and travelling for the next 3 hours, so won’t see any reactions until then. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/14 "2011-10-31T17:43:10Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Last time I had a situation like this (paper that I just had no way to finish on time) I wrote an honest email to my professor asking for an extension. > > I never heard back from him. > > So I got it done. Turned the damn thing in on time. Got a good grade on it, too. He knew exactly what he was doing by not answering me. > > It’s normal to have that “I just can’t do this” panic, but most of the time, you actually can do it if you really need to. I’m not sure school and work is a good comparison here. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/15 "2011-10-31T17:57:57Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I’m not sure school and work is a good comparison here. I’m quite sure that it’s a terrible comparison. Getting a paper in on time affects no one on Earth besides the student and the professor. Not completing work on time, or doing it half-assed in a misguided effort to not be found out, affects co-workers, the boss, and potentially the entire company. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/16 "2011-10-31T18:12:41Z")
“You’ve failed me for the last time, Sicks Ate”. Or worse yet: “Apology…_accepted_”. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/17 "2011-10-31T18:43:22Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > I’m quite sure that it’s a terrible comparison. Getting a paper in on time affects no one on Earth besides the student and the professor. Not completing work on time, or doing it half-assed in a misguided effort to not be found out, affects co-workers, the boss, and potentially the entire company. Absolutely. It’s a stretch to even consider them similar situations. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/18 "2011-10-31T18:49:43Z")
Get off the Internet and start working on your project. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2011, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/19 "2011-10-31T19:08:17Z")
Well, I’ve had 11th hour panic as well, and gone crying to the boss begging for extra time. She always just smiles at me cryptically and tells me to do my best. And somehow, I end up pulling everything outta my ass on time anyway. So now I’ve learned and I add, “I’m just bitching, I’m sure I’ll get it done.” But I think the OP’s situation is a little different because he’s also procrastinated \*telling \*anyone he’s in the weeds. And while I agree that the best approach is to just come clean asap, I disagree that you say to your boss “Okay, I screwed up, now what are we gonna do to fix it?” No. You made the mess; at least make a couple of suggestions for how you’re going to fix it. Last time I made a big screwup, I immediately confessed to my boss and the last part of the sentence was me telling her what steps I’d already taken to avoid the same situation happening again. So go in there and say, “Okay, I screwed up, but if we do X, Y, and Z, I think we’ll be okay.” And you will be. ---
**Author:** ![Dusty\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ba8739/32.png) [@Dusty\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dusty_Rose)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2011, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385/20 "2011-11-02T00:42:12Z")
So what happened today? How’d it go? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-boss-co-workers-you-have-failed-them/601385.md?page=2)