# How to tell if a movie sucks. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 21, 2013, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088 "2013-07-21T03:53:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/41 "2013-07-21T18:58:26Z")
> [@Fiendish\_Astronaut](#): > > Also, any movie that displays the words “Michael Bay” on screen at any point. I’ll do you one better: It hasn’t happened yet (AFAIK), but if a trailer contained the credits “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan”, it would be 100% guaranteed to suck. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/42 "2013-07-21T19:00:06Z")
I’ve posted this same observation several times, but will share it again anyway. Look at the blurbs from critics that they show in the print ads and TV commercials. It doesn’t matter what the reviews SAY, just look at where the reviews came from. I don’t take the famous critics’ word as gospel, BUT if a commercial for an upcoming movie has to get positive quotes from obscure critics, that’s a VERY bad sign. If there were rave reviews from the NY Times, or Rolling Stone, or Roger Ebert, or any mainstream critic, there would be blurbs from those sources in the ads. But avoid any movie whose ads feature rave reviews come from any of the following: 1. A radio station critic (especially from WMCA radio) 2. Sixty Second Previews 3. Cosmopolitan Those sources invariably give great reviews to almost anything. ---
**Author:** ![Hippy\_Hollow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hippy_hollow/32/4841_2.png) [@Hippy\_Hollow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hippy_Hollow)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/43 "2013-07-21T19:13:37Z")
If it’s called \_\_\_ Movie, involving any of the Wayans family. If it’s an installment of a franchise _not_ featuring the primary character(s). A ridiculous amount of explosions, especially oil-refinery-grade ones. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/44 "2013-07-21T19:14:24Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > But avoid any movie whose ads feature rave reviews come from any of the following: > > 1. A radio station critic (especially from WMCA radio) > 2. Sixty Second Previews > 3. Cosmopolitan 99% of the reviews from an organization that ends with “.com” are a bad sign, as well. ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/45 "2013-07-21T20:48:16Z")
If Nicolas Cage’s hair is longer than four inches ([and many other things](http://www.thejay.com/2007/02/09/bad-nicolas-cage-movie/)). CMC fnord! ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/46 "2013-07-21T21:07:51Z")
> [@Exapno\_Mapcase](#): > > If there are explosions, then the movie is braindead. If there are lots of explosions, you will become braindead. If the point of the movie is how pretty the lots of explosions are, then society will become braindead. > [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > If there are [del]explosions[/del] car chases, then the movie is braindead. If there are lots of [del]explosions[/del] car chases, you will become braindead. If the point of the movie is how pretty the lots of [del]explosions[/del] car chases are, then society will become braindead. Sometimes I’ll watch a movie, enjoy it, and my husband will ask if he’d like it. I will say, “No explosions or car chases, and lots of people talking. No, you wouldn’t.” Yeah, he LIKES explosions and car chases, and he particularly likes car chases that end in explosions. We joke, sort of, that he outsources his thinking to me. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/47 "2013-07-21T21:11:26Z")
“Tyler Perry presents…” ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/48 "2013-07-22T00:42:06Z")
> [@SuperAbe](#): > > This is pretty much the one symbol I hate-with-the-fire-of-a-thousand-suns not having on my keyboard (okay, maybe μ and ², too). Unicode is your friend - type “Alt+0176” on your _number pad_ (i.e. hold down the alt key while typing 0176 ) and you’ll get the degree symbol in all its glory: **°** > > (For a complete list, try [the official chart](http://www.unicode.org/charts/) or [this nifty browser](http://unicode-table.com/en/) - the later lets you copy and paste from directly.) ° Thanks! ۝ ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/49 "2013-07-22T00:55:36Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Sometimes I’ll watch a movie, enjoy it, and my husband will ask if he’d like it. I will say, “No explosions or car chases, and lots of people talking. No, you wouldn’t.” Yeah, he LIKES explosions and car chases, and he particularly likes car chases that end in explosions. > > We joke, sort of, that he outsources his thinking to me. Let me then ruin my own credibility by recommending the movie _Hit and Run_. It’s a car chase movie. But despite that, I enjoyed it. I think what sold it for me was that Dax Shepard is a huge car buff. He made this movie because he honestly likes car chases and not because he was looking to sell tickets to some demographic. He got his real-life fiancee (Kristen Bell), some real-life friends, and some cars he actually owns and made a car chase movie. And the fact that everyone making this movie is having a good time comes through. ---
**Author:** ![aNewLeaf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@aNewLeaf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aNewLeaf)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/50 "2013-07-22T01:00:32Z")
I enjoyed the only Paris Hilton movie I’ve watched. She’s got a talent. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/51 "2013-07-22T01:24:06Z")
> [@campp](#): > > If I don’t know the main characters names, it’s a bad movie. Once you don’t care about a character, it’s over. I had almost exactly this problem with a superhero comic book series (JSA) several years ago. I didn’t start with the first issue, but came in in the middle of a lengthy story arc. While I picked up the _names_ of the characters, after reading it for a year it suddenly dawned on me that I still couldn’t tell you what most of the characters’ _powers_ were because the story moved so slowly that there was almost no “superhero action” in that entire 12-issue stretch. That’s a serious problem for a superhero comic, if you ask me. I dropped the title. > [@woodstockbirdybird](#): > > I’ll do you one better: It hasn’t happened yet (AFAIK), but if a trailer contained the credits “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan”, it would be 100% guaranteed to suck. “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan”, Starring Nicolas Cage." ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/52 "2013-07-22T03:58:13Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan”, Starring Nicolas Cage." I’ll raise you: “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan, Music by The Bay City Rollers, Starring Nicolas Cage.” ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/53 "2013-07-22T04:24:05Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > I’ll raise you: “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan, Music by The Bay City Rollers, Starring Nicolas Cage.” “Directed by Michael Bay; Screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan, [del][COLOR=Black]Vaguely[/del][/COLOR] Based on a Book by Phillip K. Dick, Music by The Bay City Rollers, Starring Nicolas Cage.” CMC fnord! ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/54 "2013-07-22T05:26:46Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > I’ve posted this same observation several times, but will share it again anyway. > > Look at the blurbs from critics that they show in the print ads and TV commercials. It doesn’t matter what the reviews SAY, just look at where the reviews came from. > > I don’t take the famous critics’ word as gospel, BUT if a commercial for an upcoming movie has to get positive quotes from obscure critics, that’s a VERY bad sign. > > If there were rave reviews from the NY Times, or Rolling Stone, or Roger Ebert, or any mainstream critic, there would be blurbs from those sources in the ads. > > But avoid any movie whose ads feature rave reviews come from any of the following: > > 1. A radio station critic (especially from WMCA radio) > 2. Sixty Second Previews > 3. Cosmopolitan > > Those sources invariably give great reviews to almost anything. You forgot Earl Dittman, of world-famous _Wireless Magazine_. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/55 "2013-07-22T13:37:06Z")
If it’s promoted on the basis of awards given out at semi-obscure film festivals, my suckometer begins twitching. > [@Mahaloth](#): > > If nothing happens by the end of the first reel…usually nothing will happen the rest of the movie. Very true. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/56 "2013-07-22T13:38:36Z")
If it’s a Fast and the Furious movie that does not take place in or around Japan. If it’s Star Trek V: The Final Voyage (movie 5 of what, 12 now?) ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/57 "2013-07-22T18:19:16Z")
> [@Raguleader](#): > > If it’s Star Trek V: The Final Voyage (movie 5 of what, 12 now?) Nitpick: The Final _Frontier_, not Voyage, which makes subsequent movies less problematic. Still a bad movie though. You are pointing the problem with the Jason Movies, where Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (#4 of 11) was followed by Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, which eventually lead to The Final Friday (9 of 11) followed by Jason X (that one was in space, so maybe it wasn’t on a Friday) My suck signs: “Heartwarming” in any review/poster. Movies made to capitalize on a pop-culture trend, especially one that’s already peaked. If anyone is making a Zumba movie, I don’t want to know. ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/58 "2013-07-22T20:43:17Z")
If a trailer for a comedy uses its best jokes. It’s hard to describe how to detect this, but I almost always can. Similarly, DVD previews for personal dramas that try WAY too hard to sell themselves as comedies are a huge red flag. (I’m glaring in your direction, _Friends with Kids_.) When watching a movie, I often keep an eye on the time. If I never get an urge to check, you’re doing great. If I want to check and you’re farther along than I thought, then you’re doing good. If you’ve made me look at the time inside 15 minutes, we’ve got a problem. Likewise, if I’ve sat through the movie, and what should be the finale clocks in with a half hour or more left to go!? Screw you. Bloated summer popcorn flicks are really bad about paddding run time. I like my movies efficiently brisk, 90 to 100 minutes. You’d better have a damn good reason for being long than two hours. The other offending movie type that violates this is the wannabe indie film where nobody involved could bring themselves to trim a “brilliant” script. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/59 "2013-07-22T20:59:54Z")
If the picture on the front of the DVD case shows a guy holding a gun, the movie will probably suck. If the movie is not science fiction or fantasy, yet relies on CGI, the movie will probably suck. If the movie has a hip-hop soundtrack, the movie will probably suck. If it is a remake of a classic movie, the movie will probably suck. ---
**Author:** ![johnspartan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@johnspartan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnspartan)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088/60 "2013-07-22T21:29:05Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > It’s a comedy and nothing in the trailer is funny. This is a biggie. Only exception I can think of is for a movie like Borat where they legitimately just couldn’t put a lot of the jokes in the trailer because it was pretty raunchy humor. But generally if it’s a comedy “for everyone” and the parts highlighted in the trailer aren’t funny, that’s a flag. If the stars on talk shows (Leno, Conan, etc.) are asked about the movie and their only answer is how much they enjoyed being around the other stars. As in, “Tell us a bit about the movie.” “Well it was great working with Vince Vaughn, he’s just a lot of fun to be around…” \<—translation, I _can’t_ in good conscience say something about the quality of the product… so I’m just gonna act as if the question was “Was it bearable to make this, at least?” If even the hand-picked reviews from far corners aren’t raves. “John Bernaderarler of the Kansas City Star gave it 3 stars out of 4!” or “Funny” - [Tripod.MoviesAreThereAndIReviewThemForMyBlog.com](http://Tripod.MoviesAreThereAndIReviewThemForMyBlog.com) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-to-tell-if-a-movie-sucks/664088.md?page=4)