# How weird is this? 21 year old guy, 16 year old girl... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 15, 2009, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872 "2009-06-15T20:38:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/101 "2009-06-21T03:31:16Z")
I always find it interesting that in these cases folks try to excuse the age difference by pointing out how immature the fellow is. (And the older one is almost always the guy. Interesting, huh?) In my opinion that makes it all the worse. Not only is he a 21-year-old “in love” with a 16-year-old, but he is socially inept and maladjusted. This guy should get his daughter away from the older guy if at all possible. If not, he should tell them that they may see each other only if he personally chaperones every date. Let’s see how long Mr. Immature stays “in love” when the cold water of Daddy’s observant eye is cast on the scene. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/102 "2009-06-21T04:32:57Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > My point is that him being 21 has very little bearing on whether or not he would expose this sweet innocent flower to drinking. And going by the OP, the parents like him and think he’s a good kid. So there’s no reason to believe he’d turn around and get her drunk just because. Going by the OP, it’s the _mother_ who likes the guy. The father apparently does not. Maybe he’s overprotective, or maybe he has good reason to be suspicious. Heck, maybe he doesn’t think his daughter is all that innocent and fears she’s going to be using this guy for easy booze. We don’t have any way of knowing what these two young people are really like, but if both parents were so delighted with the situation this thread never would have been started. Even if this guy and all his college buddies are dedicated teetotalers, no harm will come of the parents having a discussion with the girl about how to stay safe when alcohol is involved. That’s all I suggested, remember? I didn’t say they should send the girl off to a convent or have the guy thrown in jail, I said they should have a serious conversation with her about responsible behavior when it comes to drinking and dealing with others who have been drinking. She’s bound to encounter such situations sooner or later, and if she’s going to be hanging out with college seniors then it’s almost certainly going to be “sooner”. It may indeed have already happened with friends of her own age, but that’s more, not less, reason for her parents to initiate the discussion. > [@](#): > > \*If the two of them end up drinking together (and yes, it would be much easier because he’s of legal age), I would bet large sums of money that it was a mutual idea of a fun time. \*So what? I doubt the parents are going to be thrilled if their very underage daughter starts drinking for fun. And if this guy winds up having to explain things to a judge, saying “I wasn’t contributing to the delinquency of a minor, it was a mutual idea of a fun time!” isn’t going to do him much good either. > [@](#): > > \*I don’t think teenagers are given enough credit for some of the things I’m sure they know all about \*If teenagers really knew all about the dangers of drunk driving they wouldn’t be the age group most likely to be involved in DUI accidents. Nothing in the OP indicates that this girl is particularly mature or responsible or even intelligent (she’s described only as “cute”), and good parents don’t just assume that their teenagers already know all about everything they need to know. > [@](#): > > \*Any “talk” from her parents on the subject beyond “don’t get in a car with a drunk person” is talking down to her in a really patronizing way. \*Heaven forbid parents try to give their children any guidance in life, that might be _patronizing_. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Darkhold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2009, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/103 "2009-06-21T06:51:05Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I always find it interesting that in these cases folks try to excuse the age difference by pointing out how immature the fellow is. (And the older one is almost always the guy. Interesting, huh?) Haven’t you ever heard the old refrain ‘Girls mature faster then guys’? Even if that’s not true from my experience it’s biological that girls go for older guys and guys go for younger girls. There are of course exceptions to this but IMO it seems these two fell together very naturally and though it may be a passing fling it doesn’t sound like he’s out to manipulate her. > [@](#): > > In my opinion that makes it all the worse. Not only is he a 21-year-old “in love” with a 16-year-old, but he is socially inept and maladjusted. I like how you put the quotes around “in love” it’s both their first relationships and yeah they probably don’t know love from lust or simple fondness but isn’t every first relationship like that? Also I think maladjusted is a pretty loaded word. He’s just a dork. Give him a break. > [@](#): > > This guy should get his daughter away from the older guy if at all possible. If not, he should tell them that they may see each other only if he personally chaperones every date. Paranoid much? Jesus what’s the worst that’s going to happen? Unless you think this guy is a date rapist the worst that will happen is broken hearts all around…like every first relationship. > [@](#): > > Let’s see how long Mr. Immature stays “in love” when the cold water of Daddy’s observant eye is cast on the scene. Yeah and how many relationships of any stripe will survive that? That suggestion is completely unreasonable. He’s been at their house many times. If he’s trustworthy enough to hang out until 2am (or whatever it was) unsupervised he’s trustworthy enough to go out on dates with her with a curfew. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/104 "2009-06-22T14:40:54Z")
> [@Telcontar](#): > > Or, as i jokingly told my mom: “Remember, one day I’ll pick your nursing home.” 🙂 This is an ongoing joke in my family, too. “Remember, Mom… Do you want the \*good \*home or the \*abusive \*home?” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/105 "2009-06-22T14:52:08Z")
> [@Darkhold](#): > > Jesus what’s the worst that’s going to happen? Unless you think this guy is a date rapist the worst that will happen is broken hearts all around…like every first relationship. There are a lot of subtle degrees of coercion that can happen around sex, and most of them occur when someone with more life experience and/or social status is around someone with less. Just because sex isn’t rape doesn’t mean it’s healthy. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/106 "2009-06-22T15:08:21Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > There are a lot of subtle degrees of coercion that can happen around sex, and most of them occur when someone with more life experience and/or social status is around someone with less. Just because sex isn’t rape doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Again, awkward dork does not equal “adult monster trying to pry apart the legs of the delicate flower.” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/107 "2009-06-22T16:01:28Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > Again, awkward dork does not equal “adult monster trying to pry apart the legs of the delicate flower.” Show me where I said it did. They are people in two completely different life stages, and that’s what makes it weird. Either there’s going to be a big imbalance in experience/power, or the guy is damaged goods and thus somehow “acceptable.” How is either of these a good relationship? ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/108 "2009-06-22T16:05:43Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Show me where I said it did. > > They are people in two completely different life stages, and that’s what makes it weird. Either there’s going to be a big imbalance in experience/power, or the guy is damaged goods and thus somehow “acceptable.” How is either of these a good relationship? I didn’t say you did, but many others in this thread have said as much. As for your two options as to what this relationship could be like, I don’t buy it. There’s always super secret choice C… awkward guy makes awkward girl and they live awkwardly ever after (or for however long they last until the first relationship jitters break them up). That’s a far more common outcome than the older person (the older person, not “the guy”) being a power-crazed sociopath and the younger person (not "the girl) being a wide-eyed innocent who’s never thought about sex by 16. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/109 "2009-06-22T16:24:32Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > As for your two options as to what this relationship could be like, I don’t buy it. There’s always super secret choice C… awkward guy makes awkward girl and they live awkwardly ever after (or for however long they last until the first relationship jitters break them up). > > That’s a far more common outcome than the older person (the older person, not “the guy”) being a power-crazed sociopath and the younger person (not "the girl) being a wide-eyed innocent who’s never thought about sex by 16. That’s because your “power-crazed sociopath and wide-eyed innocent” example is a strawman. \*Can \*this relationship work out well, to the benefit of both people, where they live happily ever after, and even if they don’t get married, it was a positive experience for both of them that would not have had a better alternative? Sure. It’s just not likely. _She’d_ probably be better off with someone closer to her own age, and _he’d_ probably be better off getting his shit straightened out instead of wallowing in his emotional immaturity by dating someonw who’s about two life-stages younger than him. I have seen several relationships that involve proportionately large age gaps, and \*especially _when they cross the boundaries of various life stages (high school, college, “real world” job), they almost always (a) are pretty much just about sex_ or (b) eventually fall apart when the younger person realizes how much time they’ve wasted with this immature older person. \*Note, I’m not necessarily saying \*exploitative \*sex, just that sex is pretty much what the relationship is going to be based on, rather than having the other good solid aspects you need to build a real partnership. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/110 "2009-06-22T17:07:02Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > _She’d_ probably be better off with someone closer to her own age, and _he’d_ probably be better off getting his shit straightened out instead of wallowing in his emotional immaturity by dating someonw who’s about two life-stages younger than him. Ah, here’s where we disagree. I think all this “life stage” talk is a load of hooey. Sure, there’s some truth to generalizations among similarly aged teenagers and twentysomethings, but everything is so individualized from about 16-23 that it’s useless to make a blanket statement like “16 year old dating 21 year old, good or bad?” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/111 "2009-06-22T17:46:08Z")
**Justin\_Bailey** , I think you’re giving people way more credit for individuality than they deserve. Yes, there are going to be exceptions, but by-and-large high schoolers, people in college, and people supporting themselves after school are going to have more in common with other people in their respective groups than with those outside of them. I’m wondering if you have any kind of personal investment here that’s influencing your perspective (e.g., you are currently involved in a relationship like the one being discussed here), and you’re getting all in a huff because you think we’re either saying that if you’re the older partner you’re a pedo/messed up or if you’re the younger that you’re way more naive than you think you are. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872/112 "2009-06-22T19:03:25Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I’m wondering if you have any kind of personal investment here that’s influencing your perspective (e.g., you are currently involved in a relationship like the one being discussed here), and you’re getting all in a huff because you think we’re either saying that if you’re the older partner you’re a pedo/messed up or if you’re the younger that you’re way more naive than you think you are. My wife is four years younger than me and we met when she was 17 and I was 21. Maybe I am too close to this. But I’ve met enough individuals who leap between teenage groups, college groups and post-college groups to know that making any generalization (especially one on the flimsy info in the OP) is a fool’s game. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-weird-is-this-21-year-old-guy-16-year-old-girl/499872.md?page=5)