# How will Character X die? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 20, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193 "2009-01-20T19:48:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/1 "2009-01-20T19:48:43Z")
No spoiler warning because this thread is about taking wild-ass guesses with no factual support whatsodamnever. Pretend you work for the CIA. Some characters’ eventual ways of death are easy to predict. Buffy Summers will be a half-second too slow to dodge a vampire one day. Gregory House is a murder waiting to happen. Jimmy Olsen will hit his signal watch with two seconds to spare when Clark is three seconds away. But other characters are harder, and thus have more amusement potential. How will Perry Cox from Scrubs bite it? What about Jean-Luc Picard? Or Ally McBeal? Anybody? Bueller? ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/2 "2009-01-20T20:04:50Z")
Jean-Luc will take his entire ship and crew with him as he continues his life-long pattern of dallying while his ship is taking a pounding. Apparently no higher up has ever sat him down for an engagement review and asked him why his ship was under fire for several minutes before he bothered to return fire. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/3 "2009-01-20T20:09:17Z")
Gonzo the Great will die choking on a chicken bone. Because the Heimlich maneuver can’t be properly done to the musical accompaniment of Handel’s Messiah while hopping up and down on a trampoline. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/4 "2009-01-20T20:10:03Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Anybody? Bueller? Ferris Bueller will die of congestive heart failure at 60. He will have been working in middle management an the shipping department of a major furniture making business. His wife, who he never really loved, will remarry in less than a year. His children will remember a broken man who spent too much time at work and dreamed about a boat that he would never buy. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/5 "2009-01-20T20:11:30Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > Ferris Bueller will die of congestive heart failure at 60. He will have been working in middle management an the shipping department of a major furniture making business. His wife, who he never really loved, will remarry in less than a year. His children will remember a broken man who spent too much time at work and dreamed about a boat that he would never buy. Okay, except for the never-really-loved-hiw-wife part, you’re talking about ME. Stop it! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/6 "2009-01-20T20:11:45Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Jean-Luc will take his entire ship and crew with him as he continues his life-long pattern of dallying while his ship is taking a pounding. Apparently no higher up has ever sat him down for an engagement review and asked him why his ship was under fire for several minutes before he bothered to return fire. ‘Because I am a character in Star Trek sir. Other than Kirk and spock we are all irredeemable pansies.’ 'The finding of this tribunal is that there are no problems with Captain Picard’s actions, it’s true, we ARE all irredeemable pansies in the United Federation of Hippies…I mean planets. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/7 "2009-01-20T20:13:26Z")
Homer Simpson and Krusty the Clown will die of heart attacks after years of overeating. Marge Simpson will die of a heart attack, too, but hers will be stress-related. A teenage Bart Simpson will be shot dead by Apu after robbing the Kwik-E-Mart one time too many. Lisa Simpson will die peacefully in her sleep at a ripe old age, and will be given a state funeral due to her service as President of the United States (and the only yellow one, at that). Maggie Simpson will die of diaper rash. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/8 "2009-01-20T20:17:53Z")
Leroy Jethro Gibbs will be found stabbed to death in his office. His killer will never be found, mostly because his staff members will not be looking that hard. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/9 "2009-01-20T20:22:34Z")
Hollywood Playboy/Double-Naught Agent and Brain Surgeon Jethro Bodine died at a ripe old age after bringing in the trolley car he was conducting to a safe stop. His next-of-kin Elly Mae Clampett-Drysdale will host a memorial service to him by the cement pond and afterwards feed him to her critters. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/10 "2009-01-20T20:24:12Z")
Sheldon Cooper will be shot by an impatient robber while arguing about the demand that Sheldon “give me all your money,” while it is obvious to anyone that _all_ his money isn’t in his wallet., and that money is merely an abstract concept anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/11 "2009-01-20T20:26:15Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Okay, except for the never-really-loved-hiw-wife part, you’re talking about ME. Stop it! 😃 Skald the Rhymer will die with a thirty inch shard of hardened aluminum transfixing both lungs and his heart. He will fall to his knees and give a last, meaningful glance at the video camera beaming a live feed to every nation on earth and silently mouth the secret phrase that he and his wife use as a playful proxy for “I love you.” Behind him there will be a dozen dead super-terrorists and the evil mastermind known as _Von Devilhat_ will be propped up against his now inert doomsday machine holding his entrails in and shivering against blood loss and shock. On the monument will be built on that site, the site where Skald the Rhymer saved the world, there will be a 10 meter statue of the man. Many liberties will be taken with its depiction, it is after all an idealized view of a man to whom the world owes so much. Most noticeable however, amid the steely face and rippling muscles is the almost comic immensity of his bronzed _package_. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/12 "2009-01-20T20:26:52Z")
**silenus** please find a way to get that scenerio to the writers of _The Big Bang Theory_. All but the shooting of course. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/13 "2009-01-20T20:27:58Z")
> [@mswas](#): > > ‘Because I am a character in Star Trek sir. Other than Kirk and spock we are all irredeemable pansies.’ > > 'The finding of this tribunal is that there are no problems with Captain Picard’s actions, it’s true, we ARE all irredeemable pansies in the United Federation of Hippies…I mean planets. Not watched much DS9, have you? Sisko poisoned an entire planet to get revenge on an officer that betrayed him. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/14 "2009-01-20T20:35:33Z")
Turk and JD will die together, of old age, happily married and living in Vermont. Carla is still friends with Turk, but is enjoying an affair with Cox, who never really got over her. Eliot dies alone, surrounded by cats. ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/15 "2009-01-20T20:39:13Z")
> [@Aesiron](#): > > Not watched much DS9, have you? Sisko poisoned an entire planet to get revenge on an officer that betrayed him. That’s true. But he would never admit to himself what a monster he was. He refused to acknoledge he wasn’t a perfect model fo a Federation officer. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/16 "2009-01-20T20:47:47Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Turk and JD will die together, of old age, happily married and living in Vermont. Carla is still friends with Turk, but is enjoying an affair with Cox, who never really got over her. Eliot dies alone, surrounded by cats. Seems more likely to me that Carla & Eliot would take up with one another, I should think. She herself fantasized about it and said it would be simpler, and she likes bossing Eliot around nearly as much as she does Turk. Besides, it would offer the opportunity for the occasional four-way, about which Carla would be neutral but at which the other three would jump. Though actually a JD-Turk-Carla three-way is what would lead to the Turkleton divorce. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/17 "2009-01-20T20:49:45Z")
> [@Aesiron](#): > > Not watched much DS9, have you? Sisko poisoned an entire planet to get revenge on an officer that betrayed him. No I didn’t. I guess the pansiness is just TNG. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/18 "2009-01-20T20:51:22Z")
Ok I’ll revise mine. Captain Picard planetside learns in a very brutal and messy fashion why you don’t send the bridge crew on the away team, and splurge for an uber-cool team of Space Marines in the studio budget instead. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/19 "2009-01-20T21:00:23Z")
James Bond: slips away peacefully at the age of 108, while taking a nap break from beekeeping at his Dartmoor estate. Drizzt Do’Urden: A combination of mitrailleuse and arquebus fire while trying to charge an infantry square. ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2009, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193/20 "2009-01-20T21:05:59Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > A teenage Bart Simpson will be shot dead by Apu after robbing the Kwik-E-Mart one time too many. > Lisa Simpson will die peacefully in her sleep at a ripe old age, and will be given a state funeral due to her service as President of the United States (and the only yellow one, at that). Nonsense. Bart Simpson will die of a heart attack at the ripe old age of 86. After serving 38 years as the Chief justice of the supreme court, he was widely considered one of most competent men to serve at that post. Retired from being the head of female studies at Yale university, Lisa Simpson will die of lung cancer at the age of 92. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-will-character-x-die/482193.md?page=2)