# How would putting Steven Seagal into a movie change it? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 10, 2008, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011 "2008-02-10T06:28:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/21 "2008-02-12T22:45:04Z")
Wow, I thought this thread had died the death of Seagal’s career. Now I just hope to Og he doesn’t stumble across it, and revive his career by making parody films of himself. ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/22 "2008-02-12T22:48:36Z")
Is “ensuckify” a word? ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/23 "2008-02-12T22:53:41Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] Now I just hope to Og he doesn’t stumble across it, and revive his career by making parody films of himself. [/QUOTE] He’s actually about 15 years into that. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/24 "2008-02-12T23:00:39Z")
Watch Steven Seagal as he tries to save a poor oil town from an evil man who wants to steal all the gooey subterranean riches. In the climactic scene Seagal stiffly avoids a mortal blow from a bowling pin, looks vaguely annoyed, then rapid-slaps the bad guy who reels back and is gruesomely cut down the middle by his own mechanical pinsetter. Best line of the movie, delivered after the coup de grâce: _looks like you’ve gotta split_. Town is saved, our hero grows fat in his crapulence. Bad guy’s adopted kid moves into the mansion and opens it up as a public bowling alley and grange house. And there was much rejoicing. ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/25 "2008-02-12T23:41:42Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] Wow, I thought this thread had died the death of Seagal’s career. Now I just hope to Og he doesn’t stumble across it, and revive his career by making parody films of himself. [/QUOTE] No, probably he will stumble across this thread and hunt each of us down. What have I gotten myself into??? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/26 "2008-02-12T23:42:52Z")
[QUOTE=pravnik] He’s actually about 15 years into that. [/QUOTE] I meant movies that he _understands_ are parodies of himself. ---
**Author:** ![WarmNPrickly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@WarmNPrickly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WarmNPrickly)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2008, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/27 "2008-02-13T03:53:37Z")
I think he would be perfect to present **A Brief History of Time** or possibly a remake of **Cosmos** or **Connections**. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2008, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/28 "2008-02-13T21:25:16Z")
_Titanic_: Seagal plays a retired Royal Marine with an American accent who’s “just a humble cook” in the galley of the great liner. After squashing Leonardo diCaprio underfoot and boffing Kate Winslet, he learns that Fenian radicals are aboard, scheming to steal an ultra-advanced prototype Maxim gun from the cargo hold. He kicks their asses all over the place, of course, and finds himself on the fo’csle just in the nick of time to see the iceberg and shout a warning to the bridge. The liner avoids the berg with barely an inch to spare and makes harbor safely in NYC. Seagal is showered with accolades, which he humbly shrugs off, although not before eating everything offered to him at a series of elaborate high-society tribute dinners. In a memorable final scene, Winslet covers herself in garlic butter and slithers all over him. Roll credits. Put out eyeballs. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2008, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/29 "2008-02-13T21:57:01Z")
[QUOTE=Elendil’s Heir] In a memorable final scene, Winslet covers herself in garlic butter and slithers all over him. [/QUOTE] OK, so what did the old tramp do at the end of Seagal’s version? I’m guessing she hoists over the gunwale and pinches off a “merde de la mer.” ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2008, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011/30 "2008-02-13T22:13:55Z")
[QUOTE=Flander] Steven Seagal would get the shit knocked out of him in **Brokeback Mountain**. [/QUOTE] Actually, he’d probably get it knocked farther into him. 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-putting-steven-seagal-into-a-movie-change-it/437011.md?page=1)