# How would you abuse god-like powers? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 14, 2003, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466 "2003-03-14T23:59:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/61 "2003-03-17T02:49:21Z")
**ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA USE THEM TOGETHER USE THEM IN PEACE** …'Cause, you know, **Terrifel’s** got a groovy new pad. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/62 "2003-03-17T02:54:17Z")
First of all, since I have god-like powers, I’d just publicly set myself up as the new God. And I wouldn’t be one of those weirdo existential gods. I hate those guys. I’d be like one of the OLD gods. The CLASSICAL gods. One of the “lives-on-a-big-palace-on-the-mountaintop-yeah-that-mountaintop-five-miles-outside-athens” type gods. And I’d make the necessary changes to the universe to boot. First off, It’s OK to bring dead people back to life. Either via technology, or by going on some sort of mythic quest. Or just by filling the proper form down at the office of the Bureau of Deistic Affairs. Whatever’s more convenient. Come to think of it, I’d make the afterlife more accessible, too. No more of that “in the heart of god, and god is everywhere” nonsense. I’m talking about an actual physical location, one you could drive to and peek in the entrance of. Macintosh computers will now forever be supernaturally capable of running any type of software. And I mean ANY. If you folded up a 5.25 inch floppy disk from a Commodore 64 and shoved it in the DVD drive, it’d be able to read it without any problems. Neckties are banned. Permanently. Unless you wear them like a bandoleer. Nerds and Geeks would become the new Aristocracy. School bullies would develop the nasty habit of spontaneously combusting. I’d elevate most of the non-human primates in the world to a Copper Age level of technology, just to watch the fireworks. Oh, and Animals get to go to the afterlife, same as humans. Probably some of the more distinguished species of plants and trees, as well. And I’d bring back dinosaurs. Occasionally, in totally unexpected locations. Like in dining rooms of people I don’t like. Come to think of it, I’ll bring Unicorns and Dragons to life, too. And probably the humanoid fantasy races too…that might cause too much of a population boom if I just created entire civilizations of elves and whatnot, so I’ll probably just transmogrify preexisting humans. I suspect I’ll have no shortage of volunteers. I might bring some fictional characters to life, too. Just for the sport of it. And I’d take requests. Convenient “Customer Satisfaction Questionnaires” and “Suggestion Boxes”, set up at all places of worship and natural landmarks. And of course, I’d encourage people to worship me as their new god. And for the people who worship me a little _too_ much, as you’ll find in any religion, I’d just appear in front of them as two beings at once, just to prove I could, and then pretend to get into an argument with my selve(s), just to freak 'em out. And I’d ride a ethereal giant mantis, like a horse. Just because I could. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/63 "2003-03-17T03:30:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Terrifel \* > \*\***ALL THESE WORLDS > ARE YOURS EXCEPT > EUROPA > USE THEM TOGETHER > USE THEM IN PEACE** > \*\* _ **Oh my God. It’s full of stars!** _ ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/64 "2003-03-17T03:41:09Z")
Damn straight. That’s why all the ladies call me the Monolith.🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/65 "2003-03-17T03:43:03Z")
…Nothing to do with Mono, you understand… ---
**Author:** ![Helena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c68b51/32.png) [@Helena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/66 "2003-03-17T06:17:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \* > **I would create a new plant. 500 ft tall, bright orange, and it would smell putrid.** The Pink Bunkadoo? ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/67 "2003-03-17T12:06:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ranchoth \* > \*\*First of all, since I have god-like powers, I’d just publicly set myself up as the new God. > > \ \*\* I am intrigued by your use of powers and would like to subscribe to your newsletter and/or worship. ---
**Author:** ![LooseTheMarmocets](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f0a364/32.png) [@LooseTheMarmocets](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LooseTheMarmocets)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/68 "2003-03-17T18:17:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eonwe \* > \*\*I want the power to give people orgasms just by looking at them. What fun that’d be, and it’d certainly brighten their day. \*\* Must NOT, under ANY circumstances…ever…look at…Grandpa!!! AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH God no… the blindfold!! get the …bliiiiindfolllld ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/69 "2003-03-17T19:56:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fionn \* > \*\*Here’s the scenario: > > You’ve been magically granted god-like powers. (How and why are beside the point.) You’ve taken care of all the big stuff-poverty is ended, prejudice is erased, AIDS and cancer are cured and the environment’s clean as a whistle. It’s time to have fun. What kind of petty changes would you make just to suit you? \*\* First abuse: I don’t cure diseases, poverty, etc. I clean the environment though, and I end prejudice by …removing… prejudiced individuals from my universe. Pedophiles and other predatory sexual deviants (serial rapists, child molestors and others to be defined at my whim) join the bigots. Next - guns are gone. Period. Nothing that shoots anything that can be defined as a bullet any longer exists. Then I make the news informative, and set up a requirement that people have to understand major local, national and international events at more than a soundbite level. There are others but I have to go. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/70 "2003-03-17T20:34:59Z")
1. There really would be a giant face on the moon watching you. ---
**Author:** ![toofargone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecae2f/32.png) [@toofargone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toofargone)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/71 "2003-03-17T21:29:37Z")
Well lets see… There would be the torture until death, resurrection, death, resurrection, etc… for those who deserve it. Of course I would be the judge of who was deserving of it. The cheating person of a relationship would see their mothers face on anyone they tried to have a sexual relationship with for the period of 1 year. People who, pull out in front of me, cut me off, are being jerks in general in their cars will automatically find themselves standing on the side of the road. They will not be allowed to have a vehicle for 6 months. If they continue in the same manner they will never drive again or will die. Children will have anything they wish for on their Bday, no pain torture, killings, maiming, only good things. Things that can not be taken care of properly will disappear with the dawn of a new day. Elephants, giraffes, things like that. I would make government officials such as governors, reps, president etc… make minium wage and pay for their trips to anywhere they needed to go. Evil doers would experience what their victims experienced 10 fold. I really like that smite thing.🆒 That is all until I descend and give you any more commandments ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/72 "2003-03-17T21:34:32Z")
_Abuse_ godlike powers? 😃 😃 😃 Farts would be visible. The default appearance would be a brownish mist that would slowly dissipate, while making it perfectly clear where it came from, but there would be variations in colour and texture depending on the nature of the fart. Cats would gain opposable thumbs and the strength and skill to use them. 😃 All those half-joking mythological beings and places around us–Car Key Gnomes, Shub\_Internet, The Dimension of Lost Socks, etc–would become real. Repeat an old wives’ tale long enough and it becomes real. For you. (“Step on a crack! Break your mother’s back!” In other news today, Mrs Geraldine Bloggs was admitted to Riverview Emergency today when the unexpectedly collapsed while shopping…) I’ll go with the karma becoming more immediate, direct, and obvious as well. Especially around bullies, captains of industry, and politicians. ---
**Author:** ![rockle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/73ab20/32.png) [@rockle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rockle)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/73 "2003-03-17T21:53:44Z")
(1) Stupid people would not be allowed or able to breed. (2) My husband would like Brussels sprouts, lima beans, mushrooms, and cabbage so that I wouldn’t have to eat them alone. (3) Cats would be bathroom trained - this includes regular litter box excretions, as well as hairballs and barf. (4) For that matter, cats would GET THEIR OWN DAMN JOBS so that they can support their catnip habits. However, basic food, water, and shelter would still be the responsibility of the Host Humans. (5) All tomatoes sold in grocery stores would be organically grown and actually taste like tomatoes. (6) The U.S. National Anthem would be changed to something more appropriate, like “Highway To Hell.” (7) And while we’re on the subject, talking chimpanzees in ugly expensive suits would NOT be allowed to be elected President. Anyone who would even dream of considering voting for talking chimpanzees in ugly expensive suits would not be allowed or able to breed (see #1). (8) Chris Cornell would become my own personal sex toy. Gorgeous rock and roll drummers would worship at my feet and beg to join my harem. (9) People who fail to make regular child support payments would be shot without trial. People who don’t pay child support AND claim their children on their income tax returns would be shot, then drawn and quartered. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2003, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/74 "2003-03-17T22:19:56Z")
If I had godlike powers _right now_, whomever it is that keeps pulling the cushions off the seats on my trains would find themselves permanently unable to bend at the knees. Bastards. ---
**Author:** ![LtningBug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/73ab20/32.png) [@LtningBug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LtningBug)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2003, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/75 "2003-03-18T08:07:57Z")
I’m reminded of the Twilight Zone episode with the little boy who had god-like powers. It sucked to be the people in his home town. Myself? I don’t trust myself enough to have god-like powers. But I would like to be able to play the guitar . . . ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2003, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/76 "2003-03-18T08:35:42Z")
Abuse Godlike powers? I’d spend some time using them to make sure I would never know I’d used, let alone abused, them. After that I wouldn’t even know I had Godlike powers. Everything would just be right. If you run spam or popup ads or take more than a minute to withdraw cash from a bank machine, you’ll probably never know what hit you. Well, not probably, because since you’d never have existed you wouldn’t be able to know. There’d be cats with wings, though, and flying cars, and world peace and a disease that could only be cured by hot consensual sex. ---
**Author:** ![wedgerat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@wedgerat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wedgerat)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2003, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/77 "2003-03-18T12:33:49Z")
Songs would be contagious. “I have that awful song ‘Louie Louie’ in my head, Ma.” “Oh, I hear that’s been going around. Better stay home from school and not infect the other children.” Mu-ah-ha-ha! ---
**Author:** ![Dumbguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dumbguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dumbguy)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2003, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/78 "2003-03-18T17:42:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eonwe \* > \*\*I want the power to give people orgasms just by looking at them. What fun that’d be, and it’d certainly brighten their day. \*\* In a related but much less magnanimous vein, recently while watching various world leaders speak, I’ve wished I had the power to make them crap their pants in the middle of their speeches. Some very primitive part of my brain seems to feel that world diplomacy would be handled better by a bunch of guys with a load in their slacks. ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2003, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/79 "2003-03-19T00:54:29Z")
I would make sure that everytime you hit or bumped your head little blue birdies or stars would twirl around you. I would rid the world of chicken wings. In FaerieBethLand there would be only wingless, boneless, skinless chickens. In FaerieBethLand cheese would cure any ill, plants would never die (unless you wanted them to), and the preferred body type for women would be buxom goddesses blessed with killer T & A 😃 ---
**Author:** ![king\_of\_spain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7cd45c/32.png) [@king\_of\_spain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/king_of_spain)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2003, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466/80 "2003-03-19T01:27:28Z")
If you’re a jerk, you get instantly transported to another planet on the other side of the galaxy. It’s a perfectly nice planet - Earthlike but better in some little ways, lots of natural beauty, a distinct lack of materials that can be turned into bombs, no pathogens dangerous to humans, etc. And there’s a forcefield around it ensuring that no one on this planet can ever get out into space. No punishment to these people, I’m just gonna leave them to their own devices, but they don’t get to bother the rest of us, and they don’t get all the benefits of living on Earth, which I have turned into a delightful utopia with my new miraculous powers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-would-you-abuse-god-like-powers/161466.md?page=5)